Disclaimer
I'm not making a cent from this story.
Chekov and the Enterprise crew belong to Star Trek.
The name Saratoga comes from Neferit's "This is the End' series.
Notes
Other stories in this universe are, in chronological order:
Prologue
Chastise
A New Start
A New Season
Parallels
Unforgiven
Final Flight
6/7/2265
For seven years I lived for only one reason. And now that reason is gone.
For seven years I endured the stares and whispers of other crews, the silent disproval of Starfleet Command
and the harshness and mockery of civilians.
For seven years I endured the invisible Scarlet Letter emblazoned upon me. And for seven years I endured
the crushing guilt and shame.
I endured it and never once complained. After all it was nothing less than what I and the rest of the crew
of the Enterprise deserved. We had betrayed the Hero who saved Earth. We had betrayed our Captain.
We betrayed him with our assumptions, our harshness, our logic, our disinterest and, in my case,
my foolishness.
I may have been a prodigy and a boy genius, but in the end I was nothing more than a foolish child.
A foolish child who let himself be swayed by the opinions of others. A foolish child who participated
by not being wise enough to know how NOT to participate.
So for seven years I silently endured and clung to the one hope that I had. The faint, fragile hope
that someday the Captain might forgive me.
And then that hope was shattered forever as I watched the Saratoga explode in a ball of flame.
At first all I felt was shock and horror.
Then I felt unbearable grief. Grief that I would never be able to tell the Captain how sorry I was for
failing him. Grief that I would never be able to gain his forgiveness.
But then the true torment came. The searing realization.
The realization that not only had we betrayed our Captain...we were now responsible for his death as well.
Oh, I'm certain that the others, especially Commander Spock, would disagree with that assessment.
He would say that whatever else we may be guilty of Captain Kirk's death is not one of them.
He would say that the Klingons were solely to blame.
But it wasn't solely the Klingons' fault it was also ours. I know it. All I need to do is look at the facts.
Fact: We betrayed Captain Kirk and in the process we hurt him. We hurt so badly that he couldn't bear
to remain on the Enterprise. So he left and accepted command of the Saratoga instead.
Fact: The Saratoga was a tiny ship with a crew of a hundred. A research vessel with minimal weapons
and defenses. It was small, vulnerable and above all an easy target. Of course the Klingons might have
been willing to attack the Enterprise, but they would have been much more hesitant to do so because
of our size and weapons, not to mention the fact that attacking the Flagship would have risked war
with the Federation. And if they had attacked it, the action would have been planned and authorized
by their High Command, not by a single Commander who wanted to snatch a little extra glory in his
spare time.
Fact: If the Captain had been on the Enterprise where he belonged, Kor would probably never have
attacked him. And even if he had, he wouldn't have been able to cripple the Enterprise with only a few
shots. The Captain would have had other options for saving his crew. Options other than evacuating them
in shuttles and then ramming his ship headlong into the Klingons. Options that didn't require him dying.
Fact: The simple brutal truth is that if it hadn't been for us Captain Kirk would still be alive.
We killed him as surely as if we fired on his ship ourselves. And now our hands are filthy with his blood.
Fact: We betrayed our Captain and we drove him to his death. Those are two sins which can never
be forgiven.
For seven years I lived for only one reason. The faint, fragile hope that someday the Captain might
forgive me. But now that day will never come.
And my agony will never end.