Author Note – I started jotting down some scenes at Christmas when I was desperately trying to get my mind off of personal problems and kick start myself to continuing From the Ashes. First, I thought this could fit into Spies and Scientists but it didn't feel right (though I am in the middle of working on a couple of offerings for that series). Unsure how I wanted to finish this, I had no idea what to do with this short scene till I saw Captain Marvel this week.
This hasn't been beta-read as this is a surprise for Black Victor Cachat as well as another dear friend who encouraged me to keep tinkering – you know who you are. Unrequited angst is where I'm happiest. Hope you enjoy!
Not going for spoilers, just enjoying the gut-wrenching personal speculation.
I don't own anything, only borrowing. Please don't sue.
Snow
"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together." ― Vesta M. Kelly
Snow covers the ground in a white blanket, cocooning everything in its reach. Steadily falling from the sky, it glistens in the moonlight from where it lands on the tree branches. Pretty and innocent yet it can put you on your ass if you take one wrong step when it turns to ice.
Rather than enjoying the idyllic view, Natasha casts an appraising eye over the scene, looking for footprints which shouldn't be there. Her scrutiny is only for her own benefit, Clint has plenty of sensors and cameras around the property to detect unwanted guests. The man may revert to his natural Luddite tendencies where it comes to raising the kids, but he employs whatever tactics he needs, old and new, to protect them. Her eyes sweep over the spot by the stoop where, two hours ago, Coop and Lila taught Nate how to make snow angels; their indents now covered with fresh snow.
Natasha's arms curl around her waist protectively to shield her from the cold outside. It's for nought because of the glass creates a protective barrier between her and the elements, especially with the thick jumper Laura practically pushed her into hours ago and the fire pumping heat through the hearth to the side of her. The weight pushing down on her head and heart still sends chills through her body.
She's waiting, uncertain if it'll be for nothing. With a sigh, she settles onto the wide windowsill seat, the cushion dipping under her slightly. The sweetly decorated tree in the nearest corner spreads as much light as it does shadows across the floor. A small smile forms at the memory of the torn wrapping paper strewn over the polished wooden boards this morning. It slips away as she returns her attention to the scenery.
The shimmering flakes continue to float down from the sky. It is pretty and sweet and the kids loved watching it this afternoon while drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. Only after demanding a snowball fight, of course. Clint and Coop versus Lila and Natasha while the adults of their group stayed inside where it was warm. Neither side had it easy under the onslaught of the cold balls which exploded on impact but eventually, Laura called it a draw when she deemed them too cold and damp after Coop took one particularly large snowball to the back of the head courtesy of his sister. Laura didn't look like she had the patience to settle the brewing war and nipped it in the bud before things escalated. She silenced their arguments, Clint's and Natasha's louder than the kids', by informing them hot chocolate was ready and presented them all with blankets to warm them.
For now, the house is quiet. Long after the younger members of the family schlepped up to bed, the adults retreated to their rooms once they were certain the house was secure. Natasha doubts any of them are actually sleeping. Sleep is a luxury they all gave up on years before Thanos decided to snap his fingers.
Clint hovers upstairs, he feels her restlessness as much as she does his. He won't come down, Laura will soothe his pacing mind. They're a bad influence on each other when they're in this frame of mind. They're always on alert, waiting for the next thing to rip their fragile world apart. Plenty of enemies have tried. Their lives are still wrecked from the last time, they barely managed to recover. They lost so many. More when they fought to bring back the people Thanos wiped out.
They saved the world, now they're giving it time to grieve. A lot of people tried to lay this at their feet, tried to task them with putting the devastated planet back together. They put them on a pedestal. Apparently going to the end of existence and surviving gave them the authority to say how the world will be run from then forward. None of them was interested in denouncing the world leaders. They have helped the international alliance that has formed since Thanos gutted their planet with his destruction, rallying public support for the new leaders and, more particularly, guiding the regulations regarding enhanced.
With the holidays approaching, a new grim sense of appreciation for the importance of their unconventional family fell over them and, with the world seemingly coping for the time being, they decided to take some time for themselves. Wanting privacy from the never-ending media circus following them since their return, they've pretty much isolated themselves. Only a few people outside of their closest allies knows the location of the newest Barton residence.
Slipping past the media was as simple as using one of the cloaked Wakandan jets Shuri graciously lent them while she upgraded Stark's Quinjet. Natasha knows the young woman is happily taking the thing apart in her lab; appreciating the mechanics as they are while insisting they can be improved upon.
This house is bigger than the home Clint and Laura lovingly poured themselves into when they first got married; creating a refuge for their family as much as the strays Clint deemed worthy enough to let in on his secret life. For one thing, there's more space for said strays. And much to Clint's dismay, Laura somehow managed to adopt Fury's cat, Goose, while he was on the run with the renegade Avengers after the shitstorm that was the Accords. Fury asked Clint to feed it once while he was out of the country for too long and the archer has been traumatised and skittish in the cat's presence ever since. To this day the story remains elusive and a mystery. Natasha's never been able to wrestle, she literally tried to once, the details of the encounter out of her partner. Yet the feline is a constant companion to the Barton children and is currently curled up on the carpet outside their bedroom doors.
It took the Avengers a while to settle when they descended upon the house from their stations across the world a few days earlier. It's a subdued atmosphere even with the kids to distract them from the absence of their founding team members. The Barton children knew the world changed, even before the snap.
Natasha draws her knees closer to her chest and lightly drapes her arms over them to resist the urge to check her watch. She expects to be interrupted soon if the measured, sock padded footfalls on the stairs are any indication.
Bruce clears his throat quietly to alert her to his presence in the doorway. They've tiptoed around each since he returned over a year ago. They have never discussed their failed attempt at another life; their fondness for one another went unspoken as did his other half's flight through the galaxy, that was clearly an accident and not intentional. Their personal woes seemed unimportant compared to the dire aftermath of Thanos.
Especially after they lost Tony and Steve.
All of the Avengers would have sacrificed themselves; they went after Thanos with that very intention. One last kamikaze to at least do some damage even if they failed to bring back the people Thanos wiped out. But in the end, Steve and Tony took that decision out of their hands. Bullheaded till their last breath, they took the purple giant with them in a flash of an explosion, which she was shielded from by Hulk when it became apparent they couldn't stop their friends from their suicide mission.
Without waiting for an invitation, Bruce perches himself opposite her on the windowsill. He looks out at the white covered scenery, watching for the unseen enemy Natasha has been scouring for the last hour.
She watches him be bolder with her than he has since his return. He looks older than he ever has. Grey hair now grows back from his temples, threatening to take over the dark curls of the short style he adopted while away on Sakaar. She's not fond of it, she prefers the longer hair he had before. Not just on him, she doesn't like the closer shave the Big Guy has either. It's not just his hair that's different. Wrinkles etch the corner of his eyes while dark circles surround them. For once it's not nightmares keeping him awake. He's working himself to exhaustion.
Since they lost Tony, he's taken it upon himself to take over from the over-qualified mechanic with his work. Obviously with Pepper's approval, of course. Bruce would never make such an imposition without it. Most of his time is trying to juggle the numerous projects Tony had started before Thanos and trying to make sense of the notes Tony made for future tinkering. Whatever time he had left was spent on his own research and the changes to the new dynamic between him and Hulk.
Silence punctuates their loss.
Their mutual grief was expressed as a group during the toast given by Fury at dinner earlier. It seems worse when they're together, magnified and raw. She misses the offkey remark or joke Tony would have made to ease the tension; she misses the whisky he would have stashed in his suitcase for the sombre occasion too.
While they had a difficult relationship, starting with one of the most tedious assignments she'd ever had led to begrudging respect and being on the same side, they shared a common interest in Bruce. The quiet, thoughtful man grew to be important to both of them. And Tony was more tolerable in the scientists' presence. She regrets how their friendship deteriorated after the team fell apart. Tony would feel guiltier if he saw them now; wallowing under the same roof.
Just like Steve, he never knew when to stay out of it. If they were here, they wouldn't let them get away with tiptoeing. If they were here…she sighs.
She knows what Steve would say to her if he was here. The Super Soldier would tell her to stop wasting time if Bruce is something she wants. Honestly, she doesn't know. They're different people now to the ones who were swept up in the enchantment of the Lullaby. This is the longest they've been alone since they reunited, even with a houseful of people upstairs.
They're not avoiding each other, she's sure of it. It's certainly not a conscious effort. Their lives separated in the fall out; she, with her vast knowledge of numerous governments – her past life of infiltrating various regimes coming to the fore – and being a keen strategist, helped develop the new coalition between the world's nations, while he worked on implementing the various means of defence Stark Industries is developing. Timing was against them. She refuses to label it as fate.
"Pretty," Bruce comments. "You can hardly tell what's hidden beneath."
Her lips quirk at the obvious double meaning of his words. Sure enough, she finds his eyes on her when she looks up. "We'll need to dig our way out in the morning if it keeps falling," she raises an eyebrow.
She follows his eyes to where the cloaked jet sits submerged in the snow drifts nestling against the invisible hull.
"I wasn't sure if you'd come or if you'd spend the holiday in New York," Natasha tells him. Pepper had politely rejected the invitation with her usual graciousness, choosing to stay in familiar surroundings with Rhodey and Happy. Bruce, Sam and Wanda accompanied Natasha to the Barton home after they met at the Facility. Fury and Hill were already here.
"I wasn't sure if you wanted me to be here," Bruce admits gently. "I almost turned the car around a couple of times on the way to the Facility."
She tilts her head at him. 'Really?'
He nods. "You're, uh, not as open as before." He swallows, wincing with finding the right balance in his wording. Not just that, but she heard Steve use that word to describe her relationship with Bruce to Bruce. Years ago, at another gathering, as she was gliding away from the scientist. The significance of the comparison isn't lost on her. "It's hard to get a read on you."
There's something so earnest in his expression which cuts through her heart and she resists the urge to uncurl her body just to be contrary. He's right. She was distant, cold and commanding in the days following the Snap. She gave orders with a tone which left little room for argument. Bruce bore the brunt of more than a few of her demands when searching for the Mad Titan; he was one of the few she trusted who could understand the readouts from the scanners looking for any change in the Earth's orbit, possibly signifying the return of the alien enemy. She didn't mean it to seem personal and at the time he took her attitude without calling her on it.
"It was a stressful time," Bruce excuses her with a wave of her hand.
She doesn't make the same excuses, especially if it helped put a bigger wedge between them. "I'm sorry."
"Me too," he concurs. "For everything."
He doesn't say anything else, he doesn't need to. She doesn't need the apology, he does. She realised that a long time ago. Neither he nor the Hulk could've known they would be sucked up into a wormhole when they left. She'd been confident in his intentions when she returned to the Tower after Sokovia to pack up her room and found his go bag stowed with hers in her closet.
Timing aside, she doesn't think that's his only reason for approaching her. "What's on your mind, Bruce?" She encourages gently.
"I just… I'm sorry, this is difficult…Sometimes I still feel like I'm playing catch up."
"You never expected to be here."
"No," he admits. "When I woke up on Sakaar," he breaks off with a shake of his head. "I never thought it'd be possible to come home…I thought I lost…" He meets her eyes meaningfully. "Everything."
"And now you're home?" She can't help pressing even though she knows she shouldn't.
"I have mixed feelings."
Somehow, she manages to implore him to expand without asking.
"Part of me thinks our, me and him, place is here to protect this world, while another part thinks Earth is too fragile compared to where we've been the last couple of years."
"You want to go back there?"
"No," he sighs. "Hulk liked it. People liked him and his entertainment value. He was just a glorified cage fighter. But I think there are probably other sturdier worlds out there suited to his destructive side and could stand him testing his limits. And we could be trying to stop the fight before it even reaches Earth."
"A little late for that," she deadpans. "Have you made any plans?"
"It's just a thought," he argues lightly. "Thor offered before and he mentioned it again today. Apparently, the remaining Asgardians are big fans of Hulk," he laughs at the notion.
"What about the fans of Bruce Banner?" She asks with a sad smile. At some point, she'll thank Thor for his offer.
"Rare if not extinct," Bruce says with heavy self-deprecation. He suddenly finds his shoes fascinating.
"Well there's at least one," Natasha informs him. "Four if you count the kids upstairs. They adore you."
She's not exaggerating. Nathaniel had pretty much plonked himself on the man's lap within hours of meeting him and demanded a bedtime story. After stammering for a full ten seconds, Bruce had managed to retell a kid-friendly version of how she had evaded the Hulk on the Helicarrier only this time the ending included how she convinced his angrier half to be her friend. Of course, Aunty Nat's approval went a long way with endearing the kids to him.
"Are you asking for my permission to leave?" If this is goodbye, she refuses to let it be easy for him because he sprung it on her.
"I honestly don't know," Bruce admits looking at her. "I guess I wanted both of us to have some closure…instead of just disappearing again." He softens. "I never wanted to leave you like that. I hate that you doubted what we had."
"Had?" It stings even though she understands what he means.
"Our timing sucks Natasha," he gently intones.
"We had the Sceptre, we thought it was over." Free from the obligations of destroying HYDRA, they had a glimmer of life beyond redeeming their damaging past.
"I don't know what I expected to happen when it was over, but it was never you." She's mildly taken aback by that and he quickly realises how that must sound. "You're beautiful, funny, you could have anyone and I was hopelessly enamoured by the way you grasped some of the more complex aspects of my work without actually letting on. The Lullaby was just an added bonus. Of course, I wanted you…but how often do I get what I want?"
She can only blink at him, unsure what to do with the fluttering in her chest after he admitted to thinking about leaving. She wants him to stay because he wants to stay not because he feels obligated by their connection.
"You know, in the beginning, I thought, perhaps, you and Steve would…" There's no jealousy or envy in his tone just simple curiosity.
In the beginning, she thought Fury might ask her to secure the Soldiers' allegiance with certain intimate methods but he never had. The young agent he sent instead had much more of an influence at cementing Steve's affection. Natasha never knew Sharon's real identity till after Fury 'died'. But even she had been stung by the revelation of Sharon's ties to Peggy had been like a double-edged sword; at first, it felt like a betrayal to her memory as much as it was trying to garner a warped extension of the woman Steve loved. He was haunted by the memory of Peggy long before she died. That was clear to Natasha. While he tried to date, the women he met with could never compare to SHIELD's founding Agent. His relationships were always going to be fleeting.
His friendship and working dynamic with Natasha were too important to the Avengers Initiative for Fury to risk a physical relationship. Even without his oversight, neither crossed the line. Natasha cared about Steve. He was handsome and had a pure heart. She loved to tease him and wanted to see him happy. They worked well together, and in another life, there could've been potential for more. "He was a friend Bruce."
"I know but part of me still thinks -."
"Shouldn't my thoughts on the matter come into some consideration?" Natasha cuts him off. He concedes her point with wide eyes before ducking his head dutifully. "I'm good at being the person people want me to be. I tend to fall into different personas around different people, who they expect me to be. Steve wanted a fellow soldier; Tony wanted a spy who did anything to get the job done; Clint wants a sister. You?" She tilts her head and gives him a once over, for the first time taking in his rumpled sleeping attire of sweats and a tee. It belies the darkness she knows Bruce and Hulk carry, which mirrors the one in Natasha. They understand the soul-destroying nightmares filled with the screams of those they've devastated. Something Steve would never understand. He was a supportive friend and he would've tried to help if Natasha ever broached the subject of her past deeds but he was just a friend. "You looked for the woman beyond all of the facades."
"She's one hell of a woman."
"One hell of a challenge considering the identity crisis I was going through after SHIELD fell." He smiles with her. "You think we could've been happy if we'd run?"
He's thoughtful for a long moment before he answers. "We'd have been happy till one our friends were injured during a fight we could've prevented."
"My money would've been on Stark," she quips.
"Most likely." His smile wans a little. "You remember when Tony used to get drunk and fixate on one idea? Like that time, he convinced you to mix him mystery cocktails to see if he could name the ingredients? And he ended up ordering Pepper a hundred bunny beany babies. The next morning, he sobered up and kept ranting how she hated the last bunny he gave her. He never managed to cancel the order."
She rolls her eyes. She gets his point. Still… "That's an awful analogy."
"Yes, but I tend to miss him more when it's quiet in the middle of the night."
"Me too. I finally appreciate his penchant for distracting us from the rest of the world with his antics and he's not even here to reap the benefits."
"You would never admit that if he was here." A beat. She accepts his point. "I miss both of them."
"Me too," Natasha concurs sadly. "They wouldn't want us to live like this."
"No," Bruce agrees.
"Of course, they'd be arguing about how to deal with our new world."
"Without a doubt," he chuckles. Then he sobers. "Grief is a natural process but at some point, we have to accept what they did for us."
Natasha lets him talk.
"They finally realised what they could do together and saved the rest of us to finish the job," Bruce continues.
No matter what happens between her and Bruce, whether they rekindle their dalliance or continue as friends, Natasha is certain of one thing. The last thing Tony and Steve left them with. "We're stronger together."