I
Life they say is a series of events stringed together, that we then categorize into "childhood", "teenage years"… you get the idea. This widely accepted viewpoint of what life is has always perplexed me. Something about it just doesn't seem to make sense. God, I sound like some lunatic trying to find the meaning of life; even though a perfectly logical hypothesis has already been established. But, call me crazy, I suppose, because here I am searching. What gets to me, I think, is that how could life work out so logically, if it's comprised of a random series of events? It just seems to me that there is more to it. Life shouldn't be that easy, or arguably, that hard, to define. Was it really just pure randomness that landed me here in Mystic Falls, Virginia? Randomness who decided my parents were to die? The simple answer most people would give is yes. Another handful might say it was God's doing. But, a small minority may possibly give the refreshing response of 'No, it wasn't just random. There is a reason for why it all happened.' Well, my question is what is the reason? If not chance and not God, then what? I suppose I'm chasing myself around in circles trying to figure this all out. I guess I'm just not the type of person who can just accept life as being completely free. I am a person of structure. I thrive in my own imagination, but when I do decide to grace the real world with my presence, I don't want my life there to be a series of unpredictable events that I cannot explain, understand, or ultimately, deal with. I guess you could call me a pragmatic imaginer. But one thing that is certain, if not anything else in this world is that I've changed. Ever since my parents passed away, I haven't been Elena Gilbert. I've been some weird clone. The only way I can describe the feeling is like this: the path that I have chosen has led me to a wall, and with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost. It now rises before me, a dark and silent barrier between all I am, and all I would ever want to be.
"Hey, Elena," Aunt Jenna called, "we have to go soon! You don't want to miss the first day of your senior year, do you?" Elena rolled her eyes with a heavy sigh and shut her journal. To be honest, Elena could care less about high school or her precious senior year. All that presented itself in the monotonous hallways of school was a sea of sexually tensioned teens, which obsessed over makeup or muscles, and did all they could to rise to the top of their pathetic illusion of a social food chain. She wasn't always so cynical. Just last year Elena had been exactly like every other girl at Mystic Falls High School. A stereotypical shallow drama queen whose life was revolved around how much power she could gain in the social realm.
"I'm coming, Jenna," Elena finally replied to her aunt. Her voice rose just enough for the sound to travel downstairs to the kitchen. Turning to her dresser mirror, Elena examined herself. Her hair had gotten longer, reaching now a little below her shoulder blades. Her perfectly placed highlights now lay in a scrambled ruin on her head. Elena couldn't even remember the last time she had gotten her layers redone; and being the ex-beauty obsesser that she was, she could pinpoint a tragic amount of split ends making a home at the bottom of her dark chocolate locks. Running a set of fingers with long forgotten fingernails through her tresses, she attempted halfheartedly to revive her flat hair into at least a small reminder of the grand perfection it had once been. She had succeeding only in making her hair lift slightly with static electricity. Abandoning her disheveled hair, she examined her face. Though no pimples made an agonizing appearance, her skin was slightly discolored. Her once majestic olive skin now sagged against her bones in a color that could slightly resemble gray. Rubbing her hands over her face, she turned away from the mirror. It was too depressing of a vision to stare at for too long Glancing down at a strand of hair she had been playing with during her examination, a look of disgust appeared on her tired face. Slipping a lone ponytail holder from her wrist, she quickly fixed her hair into a loose bun. Grabbing her backpack from the chair beside her, she hurried out of the room and down the stairs. As she neared the kitchen, the smell of burnt waffles filled her nostrils. Shaking her head lightly with a small roll of the eyes, she entered the kitchen.
"Hey girlie," Jenna said mildly, "you ready for today?" As she looked at Elena, the teenager could see the faint worried empathy hidden in her caramel eyes.
"Yeah," Elena said weakly, "I guess I have to be." She provided her aunt with a short shrug of the shoulders and the ghost of a smile.
"Honey," the elder replied with a sigh, "everything will be alright. Now, let me get a look at my beautiful niece." Jenna put a smile on her face, and gestured with her finger for Elena to turn in a circle for her. Jenna always told Elena that she needed the '360 degree view'. Elena hung her shoulders faintly, but obeyed her aunt. The black T-shirt she wore clung tightly to her body accentuating her curves, and the dark jeans hit perfectly at her waist line, and descended down her flawlessly designed legs, until they hit her black Converse. Though the outfit, in any sane person's mind, would have been considered as perfect for her, anyone who actually knew Elena would know otherwise. When Elena was thirteen, she had vowed never to wear black; period. She had considered the color wretched; a color that had no other purpose but to make the world darker. Elena rather, surrounded herself with the prettiest of pinks, and purples, blues, and greens. In her junior year, one guy even voted for her for Spring Fling Queen just because he had never seen her in any color that did not somehow bring on the memory of the spring season.
"Aw, Elena," Jenna cooed, "you look wonderful." Elena had to give her aunt kudos for smartly resisting the comment regarding her niece's color choice that Elena could sense on her aunt's tongue.
"Thanks, Aunt Jenna," Elena replied quietly. "Hey, um, where is Jeremy?"
"I haven't waked him up yet," Jenna replied simply.
"Why not? We need to get to school in like fifteen minutes." Elena squinted her eyes faintly at her aunt.
"I know that, Elena. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute alone." Her aunt gave an apologetic smile. Leave it to Jenna to slyly lure Elena in for an 'alone' conversation.
"I just want to make sure that you really are okay with going back to school," Jenna continued when her niece provided no response. "I mean life has been hard recently, and I don't want you to have even more on your shoulders."
"Aunt Jenna, don't worry about me. Maybe," she sighed, "maybe this is a good thing. Going back, I mean." Elena plastered the best smile she could muster onto her lips. In the recent months, she had gotten very talented at the art of lying about her feelings. If Elena was to be honest, no, she was not okay with going back to school. That building held so many memories of her life before the accident, and she wasn't quite sure she was ready to relive them just yet. That truth, though, she would never admit to Jenna.
"That's the way to be, Elena. Positivity is good in a situation like this," Jenna said with warm eyes and a supporting smile.
"Yeah," Elena said wispily. "You know, you should probably get Jeremy up."
"You're right. I'll be back. And hey," she said pointing at the burnt waffles, "eat up. You'll need all your strength today." With one last smile, she disappeared from the room. When Elena could hear the creaking of the stairs, she dropped her elbows onto the table, and hung her head in her hands. The tense and threatening feeling of tears hit her chest and stomach, but she knew no tears would ever come. The initial shock and mourning of her parent's death was over. Now came the stage of knowing that tears would do nothing to bring them back. So, she was left with the haunting memory of her parent's demise. Moving her head so her chin was resting on her hands, she stared at the waffles. Why Elena's eyes had wandered there she didn't know. She stared at the fluffy substance until it somehow morphed into looking appealing enough to eat. Breaking her eye contact with the waffles, she dragged herself over to the cupboard for a plate and a fork. Sitting back in her chair with a thud and placing the plate down on the wooden table heavily, she stabbed at a waffle with her fork, and let it drop onto her plate. She again stared at the substance momentarily before breaking a piece off with her forefinger and thumb, and popped it into her mouth.
"No syrup?" Jenna said from behind her.
"Uh," Elena replied with a minor vibe of shock in her voice, "I'm not in a sugary mood."
"Yeah, you and me both." Jenna placed her hand on the table and leaned into it, crossing her ankles.
"So did you manage to wake the sleeping beast?" Elena raised her eyebrow amused.
"Yeah," she said lightly, "it took a little while, though. After some dragging, and pulling, and the eventual threat of cold water being thrown on him, he got up. Geez, that boy is one stubborn kid when it comes to his sleep." Jenna shook her head in amazement as a small smile stretched on her face.
"Yeah, well, that's Jer for you." A small sense of pain could be detected in her voice. This conversation was all too familiar. She could remember her and her mother on the first day of freshman year talking about Jeremy's stubbornness while eating waffles. Elena's mother had used it as a sly tactic to get her daughter's mind off of the looming fear of freshman year. They had laughed and joked, and life had been great. Now, three years later, it could be considered farfetched to even consider Elena's life as fine.
"I suppose so," Jenna replied mildly. The thudding of heavy feet on wooden steps could be heard moments later, and both Jenna and Elena knew that Jeremy had left his cave that he called a room.
"It's too early," the younger teen complained groggily as he entered the kitchen.
"Yeah, well, Jeremy meet morning, and morning, say hello to your long lost pal Jeremy," Elena retorted sarcastically.
"Funny," Jeremy deadpanned as he stared at his sister flatly.
"Well," Jenna intervened before Elena could reply, "Why don't you have some breakfast, Jer?"
"Not hungry," Jeremy replied distantly. The comment seemed to make Jenna uncomfortable, because she moved her free arm and wrapped the hand around the upper part of the arm that supported her on the table.
"Okay, then. Uh, we should probably head out, huh?" Jenna gave Elena a pleading look, begging her to agree. Elena had to feel bad for her poor aunt. Having to become a parental figure to two teens that just lost their parents is definitely not classified as an easy job.
"Yeah, she's right," Elena agreed, subconsciously biting her bottom lip. There was no escaping it now. In a matter of minutes, she would be shoved into the puzzle of school, with a piece that no longer fit into the picture perfectly.
"Great," Jenna said tightly, clapping her hands together. Elena gave a nod with a tight smile, while Jeremy kept his focus on his combat boots. Jenna began to walk to the door, picking up the keys from the coffee table located in the hallway as she went. The Gilbert siblings followed numbly. When Jenna's hand clasped around the doorknob, Elena felt her chest clench. Opening that door would be the transporter into the real world; a world which Elena despised greatly. Life showed no mercy on her, and the door was opened. The rising sun was blinding as the three trudged to the Toyota, and Elena already prayed for this day to be over. Jeremy and Elena slipped into the backseats as Jenna climbed into the driver's side. The car started with a groan and Elena sighed, leaning her forehead on the window. As the speeding scenery of the sleepy town of Mystic Falls passed by, the teenage girl felt a sense of loneliness overtake her. Unfortunately for Elena, her house was not far from the school. By car it would take eight minutes tops. This left little time for Elena to lick her still mending wounds before being thrown into the tub of salt so commonly known as daily life.
"Alright guys," Jenna said as they pulled into the school entrance, "have a great day. I'll see you at three. Oh, but call me if your plans change, okay?"
"Yeah, okay," Jeremy and Elena both mumbled and then proceeded to drag themselves out of the car. Jeremy didn't even say goodbye before stepping past his sister and heading into the school. Slinging her backpack over her shoulder, Elena stared at Jeremy's retreating from and the school in front of her. It felt like a jail. Not a jail that held her prisoner, but one that held her prisoner in her past. Biting her lip and fidgeting with her hands, she began to shuffle into the masses of students trying to get through the main entrance before the late bell rang. Elena felt lost. Elena Gilbert. Lost? That was almost as unheard of as puppies being called ugly. Elena, the social butterfly, the beauty queen who could always count on having a date for a dance or Friday night party, was lost in her own kingdom. Though nothing had changed with the castle or its subjects, she still felt like she was intruding. At the thought of this, she tightened her grip on her backpack strap.
"Elena!" A voice called behind her. Elena stopped in her tracks, earning herself a few glares from people around her, and she turned around. Standing before her was Bonnie Bennett. Her black hair fell in perfect soft locks, ending at the shoulders. Her green shirt brought out the warmth of her skin as her khaki pants hit at the knee, accentuating her legs. Her white Keds fit adorably on her petite feet, and Elena couldn't help but feel envious of her friend. She seemed so innocent, so untouched, and so happy.
"Hi, Bonnie," Elena said with as much as enthusiasm as she could. She would have attempted a smile as well, but Elena knew her friend would catch on to her faking if she did.
"So how have you been, sweetie?" Bonnie questioned sympathetically. "I haven't seen for like what, a month?"
"Yeah," Elena said weakly, "it's really been that long. Bon, I'm sorry I've been so distant, it's just-"
"Elena," Bonnie interrupted softly, "you don't have to explain it to me. I get it. It's a hard time for you." Bonnie displayed a supporting smile for Elena.
"Thanks Bonnie," Elena said, as a genuine smile crossed her features. She couldn't remember how long it had been since she had actually smiled without forcing herself to. Fighting back threatening tears, she embraced her friend. The warmth of Bonnie's body encircled Elena, and she felt safe and befriended. For the first time in months the agonizing tension in her stomach subsided, and momentarily she felt free from all of life's pains. It was in this moment that she realized just how much she had missed her best friend.
"Shh," Bonnie whispered to her quietly, "it's okay." Removing her arms from Elena's shaking body, Bonnie added, "How about I walk you to your homeroom." A kind smile trickled onto her lips.
"Bon," Elena said, "your homeroom is on a totally other floor though. If you walk me to mine, you'd be late." She gave Bonnie a nervous look. Though she appreciated her friend's gesture, she didn't want to be the reason why Bonnie was late on the first day of school.
"I'll risk it for you, Elena. And besides, it would give us some time to catch up!" Bonnie wasted no time in letting Elena oppose to her suggestion and grabbed her by the forearm and lead her down the all too familiar hallway.
"So, what's been up with you? What's new?" Bonnie gave Elena an encouraging smile, begging her to at least try to be social.
"Well, uh, I've done a lot of writing recently," Elena said weakly. In all honesty, though so much had happened to her, there seemed to be absolutely new to report. Before the death of her parents, Elena would have enough new things happening in her life to talk for over an hour. But now, Elena had barely enough to actually make a sentence. It gave her a sick feeling in her stomach. The old Elena Gilbert was dead; in every way possible. The only thing that could connect the new and old Elena was the fact that they looked alike and were technically the same person.
"Oh," Bonnie said, attempting to keep the boredom out of her voice, "writing is cool. What have you been writing?" Again, Elena found herself at a total loss for words for answering her friend's question.
"Pretty boring stuff. Nothing worth remembering, nothing worth forgetting. Just stuff." Elena gave a shrug of her shoulders.
"Well, it's still cool," Bonnie said. When Bonnie realized that they were only a few steps away from Elena's homeroom, she stopped Elena by stepping in front of her.
"Well, I guess I'll see you later," Elena said softly when she realized she was outside of her homeroom.
"Yeah," Bonnie said with a sad smile. "But, me and Caroline and Matt are going to the Grill after school. You should totally consider coming. It'll be fun." Bonnie's sad smile then morphed into a warm grin.
"Yeah," Elena said hesitantly, "sounds like fun." She then returned Bonnie's grin with a tight smile.
"So, does that mean I'll see you there? We could walk there together." Bonnie stared at Elena, silently begging her to say yes.
"Yeah, I'll go," Elena gave in. The last thing Elena wanted to do today was to go to the Grill with her friends. Though she loved them all, she had changed; they probably hadn't. The looming fear of being an outcast in her own set of friends became apparent, but she tried her best to lull the feeling.
"Great!" Bonnie squealed. "I'll see you then! I'll meet you at your locker after school." With one last smile, Bonnie turned away and started down the hallway, destined for the stairs at the other end.
"Okay," came Elena's delayed and quiet reply. Sighing, she grasped her backpack strap tightly, and walked over the threshold and into homeroom. The other members of the room were already in their seats doing various activities. Some texting, some plugged into their iPods, and some mindlessly tapping at their desks. As people slowly began to be aware of Elena's existence, they stared at her. It was a stare that quietly said 'I really want to know what happened with your parents, but have been advised not to mention anything, so I'm just going to stare.' Elena averted her gaze to the floor, and didn't dare pick up her head until she reached a vacant desk that was virtually isolated. A moment or so later, the late bell rang, and Elena hoped Bonnie had made it in time.
"Alright guys, everyone in a seat until the announcements are over," Mr. Jackson, the homeroom teacher, said. Two girls to the right of Elena continued their conversation as if the teacher hadn't even opened his mouth.
"And no talking," Mr. Jackson warned as he eyed the two girls. Their high pitched giggles ceased, and no one dare spoke until the monotone students were done reading the announcements over the loudspeaker.
"Have a great day, students, faculty, and staff," the end speaker said, and a moment later the bell rang. People couldn't get out of Mr. Jackson's room fast enough. When Elena stepped back into the hallway, she was swallowed by a mob of people going this way and that. Taking a breath to calm her nerves, she made her way to first period. As she trudged along, she stared vacantly down at the ground, never minding the world around her. Soon after, before she even knew what hit her, she found herself colliding with someone.
"Oh god," she muttered, "I'm so sorry." Moving her glance from the floor to the victim, she was met with a strikingly perfect boy. His hair was a soft brown color perfectly styled. It matched perfectly with his milk chocolate eyes. He looked so warm because of his sun kissed skin, and Elena couldn't help but stare.
"I- I'm Elena," she said shyly.
"Stefan," the boy smiled, reaching out a hand to her. Elena took it in hers, and shook it.
"Are you new here?" Elena asked, tilting her head to the side. She was sure that if this boy had ever been in this school before, she would've noticed. Especially since in the past, Elena had known everyone in the school, and everyone was certainly aware of her existence.
"Yeah, I just moved here a week ago." He gave a small smile.
"Well, allow me to be the first to welcome you. Now, I hate to be rude, but I have to get to class." Elena pointed apologetically in front of her, gesturing that her class was that way.
"Well, I won't keep you. It was nice to meet you, Elena," Stefan replied before walking past her. As she watched him go, she couldn't help but realize that he had said her name strangely. He said it as if he wished it was another name. Shaking the thought away, though, she walked on to her first period Advanced Placement European History.
As her APEH teacher Mr. Kramer droned on about the French Revolution, Elena found herself daydreaming. Not of the warm Stefan, but of another. Someone she didn't know, but somehow felt that she did. His piercing blue eyes stared at her through a haze of fog, and she could identify his jet black hair outlined beautifully through the fog.
"Katherine," she could hear the man whisper. It was almost like a lullaby. A velvety lullaby could probably have the power to hush an angry mob. But the question was who was Katherine?
Alright, so this is my new story idea. I'm not sure exactly where I'm taking this, but I'm willing to keep writing it if you're willing to follow me on this journey. To those of you who read this who also read Unholiest of Tortures, I will be updating that soon! It's just that I've had no good ideas for it recently, and don't want to post anything until I do. Also, I'm wanting to write some Delena one-shots, but don't have any inspiration. So, if you have a quote or song or something, tell me about, because I'd be happy to take a stab at writing something! Oh, and PLEASE tell me what you think of this story so far! I want to know your thoughts!
Remember, reviews are love, people! ;)