A/N: This is meant to be a bit of fun. I'm not trying to be mean or bitchy or anything, but... well, it's funny to me that two out of three RFR fanfics involves a new girl, and how Mary Sue-ish all of these new girls appear to be. This is just a humorous take on the Mary Sue problem. People... Next time you go to create a new character, think about it first. Is she a Mary Sue? Then DON'T create her. Every time you create a MS, God kills a kitten.
Please... think of the kittens.
~**~**~**~**~
The four RFR DJs were walking to the station before a show. A strange girl approached them.
"Um. Hello," said Travis as the girl proceeded to step between he and Robbie, link one of their arms in each of hers, and walk with them.
"Hi!" she said cheerfully, smiling widely as she stared up at the sky.
The four friends exchanged looks. "Not to sound rude, but... who the heck are you?" Robbie asked, raising his eyebrows.
"I'm Mary. Mary Sue! And you are Travis and Robbie, and the other two are Lily and Ray!"
"OK." Robbie and Travis exchanged looks again. This girl was definitely weird.
"So..." he began. "Why did you link arms with my friend and myself, and how do you know us?"
Mary squeezed his arm. "You big silly, I linked arms with you and your dark, curly haired friend because I am your new best pal!"
Ray shook his head. "No offense, but you aren't our best friend. We met you half a second ago, and we know nothing about you."
Mary rolled her eyes, and her voice became exasperated. "You don't have to know me! I meet you, one of you falls madly in love with me, and I become your best friend! It's simple!" She looked Robbie and Travis up and down, scrutinizing them both. "Although I can't be sure which one I should go for yet, because I might be related to one of you."
"Excuse me?" Robbie's eyes widened. "None of my relatives are as weird as you."
"And none of mine have ever been to Roscoe," said Travis, attempting to pry his arm away from this strange girl.
"Well," Mary conceded, "I could be related to him." She nodded her head towards Ray.
Lily stepped forward, looking angry. "Look, psycho. I've known Ray since he was three. You are not related to him. And anyway, shouldn't you know if you're related to one of us?"
Mary shook her head. "No, I'm definitely not related to you."
Lily appeared to be a bit offended. "Why not?"
Mary shrugged. "Dunno. I just never has been, is all. But we could possibly have been good friends back in kindergarten. If so, then we get to go off together and you get to tell me all about how you love either Ray or Travis."
The four teens stared at this strange girl, completely thunderstruck. "How I love either Ray or Travis?" Lily shrieked when she'd recovered from her shock.
Mary Sue nodded. "Yup! And then it gets a bit complicated... If you love Travis, then I get to fall in love with Robbie. But if you love Ray, then I get to fall in love with Travis. Either way, I'll be pleased." Mary grinned and tightened her already vise-like grip on the boys' arms.
Travis and Robbie both looked appalled but slightly pleased. Lily rolled her eyes. "And what if I don't like either one of them?"
Mary paused, frowning. "Well, I... I think that's impossible. You simply must love one of them" She shook her head, as if to clear it. The vapid smile returned to her face. "Or if you don't realize you love either one of them, I get to play matchmaker so you realize it!"
Lily stepped back, holding a hand to her temples. Ray stepped forward. "What about me? Not that you're a prize or anything, what with your apparent psychosis, but isn't it possible that you could fall in love with me?"
Mary curled her lip and shook her head. "No way."
"Why not?!"
"Because," she said, as if explaining a simple concept to a stupid child, "you are always in love with Lily."
Ray blushed. "I am not!"
"You are too!" Mary advanced on him a step, dragging Travis and Robbie along with her. "Besides, if I'm not related to you, then you have to hate me for at least a month or two."
"Not like that's gonna be a tough one..." he muttered, stepping away from Mary.
"See?" she said proudly. "You hate me already! I must be related to Travis or Robbie, then. Or, of course, I could be Lily's old friend..."
Robbie cut her off. "Look, Mary. We have somewhere we have to be, so maybe you could-"
"Oh," she said, "is it four o'clock already? Time for us to get to the station!"
The four DJs exchanged frantic looks. "What do you mean?" Ray asked, trying to be nonchalant.
Mary rolled her eyes. "Hopefully you keep hating me for longer than a month, you big dummy. I mean RFR, your show!"
"How do you know about RFR?" Robbie said frantically, looking around nervously.
Mary shrugged again. "Who cares? The point is, I get to be on the show now."
All four DJs yelled, "NO!"
"I do too!" Mary yelled indignantly. "I get to be on the show, whether I just fill in sometimes or I get a permanent seat. I don't care, but I get to be on the show!" She stomped her feet and finally released Robbie and Travis's arms. "I am the newest RFR DJ, and my alias is some kind of idealistic noun. Like... Rapture. Ooh, or Lust! I like Lust..."
While she babbled on to herself the four friends gathered together.
"Ok, I don't think Psychotic Avenger is going to be leaving on her own anytime soon," said Ray, lowering his voice.
"Agreed." Robbie looked at the other three. "Any ideas on how to get rid of her?"
"Ignore her until she goes away?" Lily suggested hopefully.
Travis shook his head. "I doubt it will work. After all, ignoring problems only makes them grow... or in her case, makes them more persistent." The four looked over their shoulders at Mary, who was grinning insipidly at them.
"It's OK!" she called out to them. "You have to engage in at least one group pow-wow without me! Carry on!" She sat down in the grass by the sidewalk and started twiddling her thumbs.
Ray, Robbie, Travis, and Lily all shook their heads in unison and returned to their private conversation.
"She got really upset when we told her she couldn't be on the show," said Robbie suddenly. "Maybe if we refuse to let her on it will make her go away."
Travis nodded. "I agree, but it's going to take more than that." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "But what?"
There was silence, and then Ray spoke. "She seems really set in what's supposed to happen, right? So how about we do everything opposite of what she says, and then she'll have to give up?"
The other three considered the idea. "It could work, Ray." Lily grinned at him. "I'm impressed." He blushed and grinned back.
"Alright guys, so play along with the plan, we'll see how it goes." Robbie led the group back to where Mary Sue was sitting.
"Are you guys all finished?" she asked happily. "Time to get to the station, huh? I decided I want my on air name to be Hunger!"
Robbie planted his feet and crossed his arms. "Mary, you cannot be on the show. It's as simple as that." Mary opened her mouth to throw another tantrum, but Travis caught her off.
"And you're not related to us. I've extensively researched my family tree, and you're not on it. You're white, so you can't be related to Robbie. And we've already established that you bear absolutely no relation to Ray or Lily."
"But... but..." Mary's mouth opened and closed as she looked from one DJ to the other.
"And I don't love Lily. I love you," Ray said smiling sweetly at her.
A look of pure disgust covered Mary's face. "Eew! You do not!"
Ray nodded and put an arm around her shoulders. "Do too!"
"And!" Lily stepped forward. "I do not love Ray or Travis. I love... Robbie!" She threw her arms around him and jumped on his back. "Spin around in circles with me, my One True Love!" Robbie giggled adoringly and spun around, Lily's arms clasped firmly around his shoulders.
Mary looked terrified. She shrugged Ray's arm off her shoulders and stepped away from the group. Robbie stopped spinning and Lily jumped to the ground, stumbling a bit from being dizzy. "You're lying! All of you are lying!" she shrieked, pointing a trembling finger at them.
"Are we?!" Lily asked, before suddenly kissing Robbie square on the mouth.
Travis, Ray, and Mary's jaws dropped. Mary began to scream. Ray attempted to hug her, and she ran from him. He chased her around a tree as Travis began reciting all the members of his family tree. Robbie and Lily broke apart and stared at each other lovingly. Mary suddenly stopped running, let out one final shriek, and exploded in a puff of silvery smoke.
The four DJs stopped what they were doing to stare at the spot where Mary had been only seconds before. "Huh," Ray said. "I figured she'd just... Leave. Did any of you think she'd explode?"
The other three shook their heads. "The plan worked, though," Robbie said optimistically. "But, Lily? A bit overboard with the kissing thing!"
Lily nodded and wiped her mouth. "No offense, but... I completely know what you mean."
"I'm glad it didn't come to that with Mary," Ray said, sticking his tongue out disgustedly.
Travis surveyed his friends. "To the station?"
"Yeah," they all said, and they resumed their walk to the Radio Free Roscoe station, secure in the fact that one annoying girl had been exploded for all eternity.