Disclaimer: Still not my universe, ridiculously successful book series, or movie. Sharing the sandbox, ya know.
This was done for a self-imposed challenge, which had to contain the following: Magical Creatures, Marauders, Ice Mice, a patch of daisies, a fairy, and a transfiguration gone wrong.
Why The Hogwarts Motto Should Be Regarded With Utmost Respect.
May also be called, Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus, For Thou Art Crunchy And Good With Ketchup.
A PWP in Four Parts, by DracoNunquamDormiens
Part One: Wherein The Great Ennui is Established As Being Present.
"Merlin, I'm bored," Sirius complained, stretching out on the sofa in the Common Room he had claimed for himself after the sorely disappointing foray to the kitchens. Now the OWLs were over and part of an increasingly distant past, they had an entire week of loitering to look forward to, before they were carted off back home for the summer vacation.
He did look the part, James noted, returning to his previous activity of frowning at the fire. He couldn't blame his friend, not when he himself felt exactly like Sirius looked. Bored out of his wits.
Neither James nor Sirius could believe they had run out of things to do, but, amazingly, they had. During the maddening month of cramming they had been forced to endure before the OWLs, both would come up with the best ideas, plans and plots, only to be silenced by a very disapproving Remus Lupin/Lily Evans/Madam Pince/Professor McGonagall/Professor Insertnamehere.
It had cost them their every last ounce of self-restraint to at least pretend to study, all the while bemoaning the pitiful lack of time to do whatever nifty plan had occurred to them at the moment.
Now, however, time was something they had in spades, and the chance to wreak havok was unique: seldom did students get an entire week of off-time before going home for the holidays, and neither of them could ignore the wide range of possibilities this measure provided.
It was ideas they lacked, or, rather, their ideas seemed to have lost every bit of their appeal. Their last OWL had been the day before, Charms. This in turn let them have a free afternoon, which Remus spent sleeping, Peter spent eating, and Sirius and James... spent trying to find something to entertain themselves with.
Fruitlessly.
They had even left the Common Room around midnight in the hopes of an adventure, but not even Filch was about. Or Peeves. Where was a poltergeist when you needed him?
Sirius looked wistfully out the half-open tower window. It was early morning, and it looked like a promising day. It even smelled like a promising day, sunny, cloudless, breezy... He sighed in frustration. Summer was already in the air, and he couldn't come up with anything to do.
"This sucks..." James echoed his thoughts, still staring at the fire.
"Mhmmm," Sirius replied noncommitally, flopping back on the sofa and following the path of an early bee around the Common Room with his eyes.
For a long while, there was a silence, broken occasionally by random grunts, frustrated sighs or monosyllabic responses from either boy as they came up with, analysed, and almost instantly discarded possible things to do. They had long outgrown the need for words, especially in that regard, and they had agreed, around four in the morning, that even roaming the many passages and halls of the castle did not seem interesting anymore.
The sun rose, welcomed by hundreds of birds and other animals, snapping James out of his semi-dazed stupor. He straightened up; his eyes left the dying embers of the fire he had been staring at; he rose to open the window fully and sniff the air.
Sirius, who himself had been contemplating all the possible synonyms for boredom and only come up with two, followed his friend's movements with utter disinterest.
Ennui,that's a stupid word for boredom if there ever was one. I am... ennui'd. Annoyed, rather. Gah, and the Full Moon is still ages away...
"This has to be a sodding joke," James muttered, leaning on the windowsill and looking out onto the grounds and forest.
"It is," Sirius agreed, clearing his throat noisily, if only for something to do. It certainly helped the dramatism of his next words. "We are, quite simply, targets of the Great Ennui. Who is, at present, mocking us from over there in that corner."
"The... Great whatsodits?" James raised an eyebrow, not bothering to turn away from the vista to look at Sirius.
"Boredom, my uncultured, porcupine-haired friend," Sirius muttered back, throwing an arm over his face so that his next words came out muffled. "We're victims of the Great, Sodding, Blasted Boredom."
"Ah." James said. "I knew that."
"Sure you did."
Part Two: Wherein The Great Ennui Is Replaced By The Great Black Thing.
"Where is everybody? Surely they should all be up by now?" Sirius asked a while later, mouth full of ice mice which he had found at an undisclosed location.
Crunch crunch.
"It's seven in the bloody morning, Padfoot, nobody in their right minds is awake. Except us." James muttered, turning and summoning the last piece of squeaking candy before Sirius popped it in his mouth. "Where'd you find these?" he asked, biting the mouse's head off.
"Bookbag."
Crunch crunch crunch.
"Yours?" James regarded his half mouse with sudden distaste. "I thought there was an entire ecosystem waiting to be discovered in there."
"Your point being?" Sirius said disinterestedly, rummaging around the rubbish in his bag for some stray Bertie Bott's Beans.
"If I start glowing in the dark, it shall be your fault."
"If you start glowing in the dark, it would be more interesting than anything that's bloody happened in the last twenty-four hours. Days." Sirius growled, peering into his bag. Had something moved in there?
"True, true..." James took another bite with a shrug.
"...And it would serve you right. Nobody asked you to steal my last piece of candy out of my han- Oy, did you see that?" Sirius, who had looked up reproachfully at James, was suddenly standing right next to him and pointing out the window.
"Yes, Sirius. It is called 'the Forbidden Forest' and I know it is fascinating, but it is hardly worth getting all worked up for," James said, nibbling at the tail of his mouse.
"I bloody well know what it is, you dimwit," Sirius countered, exasperated. "Did you see that big, black thing diving into the forest?"
"Missed it." James was now scanning the treetops too, eyes roving left and right in coordination with Sirius', and sure enough...
"There!" both exclaimed at the same time, pointing at the exact same spot in the air.
"I thought they were all confined to the Isle of Wright?" James asked, his tone businesslike even if his eyes were glinting with excitement.
"Hebrides," Sirius corrected matter-of-factly. "Must've escaped." He narrowed his eyes. "Looks like it's hovering over..."
"The Druid's Den," James confirmed, exchanging a look with Sirius. Without another word, both scrambled for the Invisibility Cloak, and moments later, the portrait swung open.
As it shut with a soft 'click', the Common Room was left empty once more, the only evidence of Sirius' and James' presence there being the empty wrappers littered around an old-looking bookbag out of which a small frog emerged, the leftover of the latest prank on Gladys Gudgeon.
Part Three: Wherein The Great Ennui Is Sulking, Since Its Victims Have Escaped, Through Great Deeds Of Taleworthy Valour... Or Stupidity, Whichever Suits You Best.
The silence in the castle was undisturbed save for a brief scuffle in the fifth floor, where two hissing voices argued over the fastest way into the grounds.
"If we go right by the statue of Ethelred the Ever-Keen, we'll come out by the mirror in front of the Hufflepuff Common Room," James stated, pulling Sirius' arm towards the right.
"That's a bloody huge detour, we have to take that door pretending to be a pillar and we'll come out behind the greenhouses," Sirius replied, pulling James to the left.
"Oh, and that's supposed to be a shortcut?" James huffed, thwacking Sirius on the back of his head. "Black, if I ever need to get anywhere fast enough, it won't be on your directions. Don't you see we'd have to cross all the vegetable patches?"
"As if your choice is much better," Sirius said, "You just want us to go past the kitchens for something to eat, that's miles from where we want to be."
In the end, they took their usual route, consisting of two hidden passages and the short stretch of tunnel under the Grand Staircase which they took every morning for breakfast, and stole out the oaken doors into the Hogwarts grounds.
Why they had bothered with the cloak when the castle was as empty as his cousin Cissy's head, Sirius wondered as James stuffed it in his pockets, magically enlarged to hide it without seeming bulky.
Force of habit, probably.
They set off at a fast yet quiet pace, looking over their shoulders at Hagrid's Hut, where loud snoring was rattling the windowpanes. When the first trees of the Forbidden Forest were in sight, James gave Sirius an impish grin.
"Race you!"
They both transformed mid-run, certain nobody would see them, and sped in the direction they had seen the dragon.
They heard its roar before they saw it again, could smell burning wood before they heard it. Instead of slowing down, the dog and stag increased their pace, in a silent dare to see who would get there first. They knew the Forest almost as well as they knew the castle, and the dragon had been hunting near the north-western end.
With a victorious yip, Sirius took a sudden turn, scenting the dragon not too far away. The trees disappeared, the Druid's Den opened before him, a wide expanse of grassland littered with hundreds of rows of upright-standing stones... and a massive, purple-eyed dragon hovering overhead. Sirius stopped at the very edge of the clearing, just out of sight of the dragon.
He had won. Prongs was still a fair stretch behind, although the thundering of his hooves could already be heard. He danced a victory gig, transforming back into his usual self even as James' antlers appeared, trailing all manner of undergrowth and plants caught up in them.
"Haha, Prongs, I didn't know you were so fond of gardening," Sirius said, noticing the large patch of flowers adorning the stag's head. He approached Prongs, who was skidding to a halt, and sniffed the flowers, twirling his fingers and batting his eyelashes at him, completely ignoring the unmistakable glare he was getting from the stag.
"Ooh, deer James, you shouldn't have!" Sirius simpered in a girly voice. "How did you know daisies are my absolute favourite flo-what the hell?"
A roar and a sudden gust of wind interrupted Sirius' reenactment of "The Infatuated Fangirl of James: A Play In Three Acts", which was promptly forgotten.
The stag disappeared, and mere seconds later, both boys were creeping ahead flat on their stomachs, finding a suitable hiding spot behind some bushes. Sirius turned to glance at James, and quickly did a double take.
Soon he was fending off a wave of helpless laughter: James had still had the flowers all over his antlers when he transformed, and now sported a flowery crown impossibly tangled in his hair, sticking every which way and giving him the vague look of some obscure mythical character.
"Oh shut up, Padfoot," James muttered, fingering his hair. "I fell into this ditch, and of course, you weren't there to help out..."
Sirius doubled over in a fit of silent laughter, and James smacked him upside the head to make him stop, singalling for a suitable watching spot.
They stared up at the huge, rather hungry-looking dragon, which was perched on one of the stone monoliths, gazing around. No doubt it had heard them, and was even now looking for the source of disturbance...or, quite possibly, its morning meal. Its black scales shone in the sunlight, and the ridges along its back gave off a rather ominous glint.
Sirius and James thought it was the wickedest thing since that manticore Hagrid had briefly had over the previous year to heal it. Why anyone would want to heal a manticore was anyone's guess, but it had been interesting, they had to give Hagrid that.
"It's a Hebridean Black all right. Do you think it's mating season?" Sirius supplied, his voice the merest whisper.
James gave him a sideways, rather clueless look.
"Want me to get you a flute so you're more in tune with the woods?" Sirius snickered, face red from trying to keep from laughing.
"Put a sock in it," James growled, tugging at a root in his hair. "I'll give you a sodding flute..."
"All right, all right, a harp it is then," Sirius replied flippantly.
James' elbow sinking into his side with a vengeance prevented Sirius from guffawing out loud, and their attention returned to their object of observation.
The dragon had apparently decided there was no immediate danger, and it swooped down on something they had not noticed before, spreading its huge batlike wings like an eagle for the kill. Neither boy missed the analogy, and two sets of eyebrows rose as one. The sheep was as good as torn into bits already, and the dragon started munching away, now and then looking up and around warily.
"What makes you think it's mating season?" James inquired a few moments later.
"The-" They both cringed as the dragon gave another deafening roar, spreading its wings over its head. "-Roaring," Sirius finished needlessly. "It's rather shrill..."
"How many dragons have you ever seen?" James groused.
"Besides this one, you mean?" Sirius pretended to think hard. "Just the one." After a few moments' quiet observation of the dragon's eating habits, he added, "You know... the Hogwarts Motto...?"
"What with it?"
"I wonder if it can be done," said Sirius pensively.
James stared at the nutcase he had for a friend for the space of a breath, which was all he needed to make up his mind. A slow grin started spreading across his face, and he blew at one of the flowers dangling over his glasses.
Sirius gave James a sideways glance. "Draco Dormiens Nunquam Titillandus," he murmured, eyes glinting with excitement.
"I wonder why..." James smirked. This was going to be fun!
After a double elimination game of rock, paper and scissors, which Sirius won, a quick scuffle, which James won, and a whispered argument as to how to go on tickling a dragon, who would get to go first, what instrument they'd be using, and which part of the dragon would be most suited for the tickling, which neither won, they decided to go together and leave their fates in the capable hands of the Gods of Quidditch, as they had done so often in the past.
They covered themselves with the Invisibility Cloak and stole from rock to rock, making as little noise as possible as they approached the dragon, which gave a hearty -and very smelly burp, swishing its arrow-tipped tail in contentment, looking briefly like some huge, smelly cat. Sirius and James clamped their noses shut.
They inched further, hiding behind yet another upright rock that was a mere few yards from the dragon, which looked conveniently sleepy.
"Any minute now," Sirius whispered, rubbing his hands excitedly. Next to him, James was doing much the same thing.
However, things you want to happen really badly have a knack for taking their jolly good time. This case was a perfect example. The sun had risen fully and the blot of leftover innards on the grass that had once been a sheep began gathering flies before the dragon so much as yawned.
Sirius started to fidget. He had always been impatient, and this was testing his every last ounce of self-control. He was doing an admirable job, though, James thought, picking on a loose strand on his robes. Merlin's jobberknoll, how long does it take for a bloody dragon to fall asleep?
Instead of an answer, a giggle next to his ear startled him.
"Did you hear that, Sirius?" James turned to look at his friend, who was snorting entirely too loudly to be comfortable with. "What?"
For an answer, Sirius pointed at the tiny winged figure circling James' head and sighing with utter infatuation at him, looking ready to burst out laughing.
Again.
"Do shut your trap, Padfoot," James muttered, deftly grabbing the fairy and flicking it away from under the cloak. A satisfactory yelp and a whine reached their ears, and James crossed his arms over his knees in a huff. How that dratted thin had gotten under the cloak was beyond him.
"It...was there... all along, mate," Sirius supplied helpfully, clearly doing his damnedest to keep a straight face. "I think it...has a thing for... for... daisies," he managed, before falling about laughing. James did not take the Silencing Charm off until Sirius silently swore never to so much as breathe a word of it to anyone.
One hour passed.
Sirius was hungry, even despite the increasingly nasty smell lingering in the air. He transformed into a dog for a bit, then back into a human, rolled his eyes, scratched his nose.
"You know, we should have taken that passage..."
"...to the kitchens?" James inquired innocently.
"Yeah, I'm starving..."
"Tough. Next time, you'd do better listening to me."
"And get us lost?"
"It just happened the once. Stop about it already."
"Once was enough, James. I swear, if I see another firecrab ever again in my life..." Sirius trailed off, searching for a suitably horrifying threat.
"D'you think someone is looking for it?" James pondered. The last thing they needed was a bunch of Dragon Experts swooping in and capturing the object of their current field research. "McFusty's family runs a reserve, doesn't it?"
"Rob's? Yeah," Sirius sighed. "I hope they don't come now, that's about..."
"... the last thing we need," James finished.
"Bad for research," Sirius agreed, and both returned to watching the dragon, whose head finally drooped onto its huge front claws, oblivious to the two boys raising silent thanks to the Up There.
Moments later, a loud, smoky snore gave them their cue to approach.
Part Four: Wherein The Great Ennui Is No Longer Even Remembered, And Immensely Ennui'd By It. In Other Notes, We Find Out What Exactly Happens When You Tickle A Sleeping Dragon.
Sirius' eyes were watering when he stepped right next to the dragon, no longer under the Invisibility Cloak. Ye gods, did it smell; he didn't need to be in dog form to make out the sickening aroma of rotting meat emanating from its mouth.
Next to him, James cut a grimace that said volumes. They exchanged a look, nodded, and started looking for a suitable spot.
A signal from James caught Sirius' attention and he tiptoed to his side; a scale was coming loose, right by the dragon's belly. Which was making odd, gurgling noises. Which was the least of their worries.
Neither dared breathe while Sirius lifted the large scale just enough for both their wandtips to fit under it. A last series of looks was exchanged, which in itself contained an entire conversation.
"Whats the strongest tickling charm we know?" Inquisitive look.
"The Rictusempra, I would think."
"Okay. If it wakes up..."
"Which it will..." A quirk to the lips.
"Yeah, likely."
"It's going to bloody toast us." An excited grin, complete with wiggling eyebrows and mischievous glint.
"It'll be rather vindictive." Cautious look to the dragon's head.
"No worries, you have your crown." Innocent look at the tangle of flowers.
"Shut it, Black." A glare.
"What? Fae Royalty is generally spared from the wrath of dragons..." A twitch to one shoulder, a very Dumbledore-like twinkle.
"Back to business, if you please." Pointed look and raised eyebrow.
"Okay, okay." A roll of the eyes. "If everything goes wrong, how are we getting out of it?"
"By using cool reason and logic, of course."
"And running away fast if that logic rot doesn't work?"
"Yep. I go that way..." A glance to the left.
"Fine, I'll go that other way." A nod to the rock behind them.
"We'll meet in the middle, over by..."
"That rock, yeah, got it." A deep breath.
"Rictusempra," they whispered at the same time. There was nothing to prepare them for what came next.
An allmighty roar rent the air, making them jump. The dragon was instantly on its feet, twisting around and sending a huge burst of flame directly at them-they cast the flame freezing charms barely in time, backing off sharply as they did so.
There was a cloud of black smoke, and from it emerged two soot-covered Marauders, running in the directions they'd planned for their getaway. Sirius stuffed a handful of scales in his robes pockets. He dove behind an overturned rock.
"Merlin's balls, that's one hacked-off dragon," James wheezed, landing half on top of Sirius, who had the wind knocked out of him.
"Yeah," he gasped. "Gives the term a whole new meaning."
"What now?"
The dragon roared again as Sirius was about to answer. It was now perched on one of the monoliths, and Slytherin's hot pink bloomers, it was staring straight at them.
Sirius did not move for a second, but James was already backing off, gripping his shoulder and pulling him along.
Had they really gotten halfway across the clearing? Yep, there they were, and the relative safety of the forest seemed miles away. James tripped in the uneven ground, he came crashing down- Sirius pulled him to his feet and dragged him on.
Not a moment too soon; the dragon swooped down on them, missing James' robes by inches.
They were faster on all fours, and even as the dragon gave another deafening, furious roar, they transformed, racing to the line of trees. Sirius' line of sight shifted, his upper body going down. Suddenly the pungent smell of dragon was everywhere, the roars a thousand times louder... the chance of flame-freezing charms remote.
It circled above them, sending a jet of flame at them. Sirius swerved to the right, James went left, in an attempt to confuse it. It went after James and Sirius turned again and sped up, his brain racing for something, something he had forgotten- it clicked a second later, when the dragon charged.
Flaming pits of hell! Hebridean dragons feed on deer! Sirius barked his warning as loudly as he could, pushing Prongs aside. Both rolled on the ground, transformed back, scrambled for the dubious shelter of the rocks. The dragon's claws sank into the earth, tearing large clumps of grass away. It circled them once more, readying itself for another plunge.
"What now?"
"We need to distract it, it feeds on deer!" Sirius panted. "I'll make one, give me two minutes!"
"Right, hurry." In a blink, Prongs was bounding amidst the rocks, bellowing a challenge.
"Go, that way!" Sirius shouted at Prongs, pointing at the trees. He pressed his back against one of the rocks, drawing his wand. If that dragon wanted a deer... he'd just give it one. Or ten. Prongs gallopped on, zigzagging left and right, the dragon in hot pursuit. Literally.
Sirius tried to catch his breath, casting the spells to turn the nearest stone into a deer-or was it? It had antlers, all right... and there was a swishy tail, flicking from one side to the other.
And it was wearing miners' boots.
Oh well, Sirius thought with half a shrug. You can't always get it right. He ushered the very reluctant miner deer to open ground, and whistled to get Prongs' attention, who was doing a capital job at dodging and swerving, and... tripping over his hooves and turning back into James?
Ye gods.
"Did it work?" James called, raffling himself up. He sounded rather out of breath.
"Er..." Sirius poked the miner deer with his wand to get it to move, getting a swish of the tail in response. "It might have..."
"What's that?" James shouted, leaning against a rock.
"It's a definite maybe!" Sirius shouted back, turning in time to see the dragon plunge into a dive, its four great clawed feet aimed directly at James. Forgetting the miner deer- which had taken to gnawing at the rocks around anyway, Sirius started running towards his friend, panicking.
He aimed a Stunning Spell at the dragon, but it only ricocheted off its scaly skin. The only thing he achieved was to distract it for a moment, and have it lunge for him instead.
Ah bugger.
He narrowly dodged the claws, coming into a crouch just as the dragon decided to send a jet of flame at him.
"James get away!" Sirius coughed, emerging yet again from a cloud of black smoke. The dragon's frustrated roar made him jump, and he saw it staring at him with its little, yet very angry purple eyes, before grabbing Prongs and starting to rise in the air.
Ah, fuck.
The motion was instinctive.
"Conjunctivitus!" he shouted, pointing his wand at the dragon. The spell hit it right between the eyes, and it started flapping around, rubbing its eyes frantically and bellowing so hard it made the ground shake. Prongs fell to the ground, transforming into James as he hit the ground with a thud.
"What did you do to it?" James asked, still out of breath, when Sirius got there.
"Conjunctivitis Curse, can you get up?"
"Poor bugger."
"Poor bugger?" Sirius exclaimed incredulously.
"Yeah. Someone should give it a medal," James groused, while checking himself over for damage. Apparently he'd gotten off with a couple of bruises and a small cut over his ribcage.
"What? It tried to barbecue me! And eat you! And- oh bloody hell, what are you on about?" Sirius heaved James to his feet, watching the dragon stumble this way and that, bumping into and promptly taking out its anger on the miner deer, which was chewing calmly away at the nearest rock even if half its body was already missing, toasted or viciously ripped off. Sirius raised an eyebrow, and James jerked free from his grip.
"'I wonder if it can be done,' that's the stupidest idea you've ever had, Padfoot!" he erupted, swiping irritably at the flower dangling stubbornly over his eyes. It certainly made the intended Potter Death Glare effect less impressive, as Sirius pointed out.
"And that includes the time when you wanted to try out the rebounding spells by jumping from the Astronomy Tower!" James snapped heatedly.
"But at least we are no longer bored," Sirius replied with entirely too much satisfaction, tapping the cuts he'd gotten as a souvenir with his wand so they stopped bleeding.
"...True," James agreed after a moment's consideration, looking over at the dragon, which was in the process of biting the deer's antlers off. "Mate, you really botched that one up. Remember what McGoogly said? 'One should never attempt a spell without sufficient practice.'"
The dragon chose that moment to stomp on what was left of the deer, which crumbled to the ground, a pile of fragmented rock.
"… On the other hand, one should never get eaten by a dragon, either." James finished, brushing dirt and twigs from his robes. The house-elves would have a handful fixing these.
Sirius was tapping his shoulder.
"What?"
"Our ride home," said Sirius, pointing at a few thestrals that had arrived, apparently attracted by the smell of blood given off by the remains of the sheep.
"You're insane. There's nothing there."
"I'm not insane," came the answer. "You're just jealous because all the voices are talking to me and not you. You only get fairies giggling over your hairdo, after all. Here, I'll give you a leg up."
James couldn't see the 'ride home', but soon was perched on one vaguely bony horselike thing, so that dispelled any doubts he could have had. They took flight, which was oddly comfortable, and faster than any broomstick they had ridden before.
"Moony and Wormtail will be ever so jealous," Sirius said with undisguised glee, riding backwards on his thestral, arms crossed behind his head. "And to think they spent all this time sleeping. Sleeping!" he exclaimed with a chuckle, as if that was the stupidest ever thing to want to do.
"Yeah," James replied. "I doubt anyone ever has had such a barmy idea as to go tickle a bloody dragon."
"Gryffindor did," Sirius said in a final tone, as if that settled the matter. "It's all in our school Motto."
"He was an idiot too."