She thought about Scotty's words when she shut the door to her hotel room. She thought about them as she packed her suit case and even more so as she held up his T-shirt to her nose. She thought them as Scotty aimlessly chattered to her, until he finally gave up and let her retreat into her self doubts. She thought about it waiting for the flight and the flight attendant handed her a can of cranberry juice. She thought about it as she wheeled her suitcase through the terminal and as she loaded it into Scotty's car. She thought about it again as she opened her front door. By this time the thoughts were heavy in her head, but in her heart they were choking. The house was still, the cats tucked away in their hiding places. The stillness was usually calming and had been a retreat for her, but that has all been before. Before Kite. She found herself irked that he wasn't there. Rationally with her out of town, he would have slept at his own place, but somehow she thought he would be here. He had offered to pick her up, but every practical reason had point to getting Scotty to drop her off. But irrationally she wanted him, she needed him to comfort her. Giving in, she dropped her bags in her room and sighed as she slowly picked up the phone. Hitting two on the speed dial, she held her breath. The phone rang barley three times before he answered it. His voice sounded disheveled. She could close her eyes and picture him rubbing the back of his head, his hair sticking in all directions, his desk strewn with papers and pale light from the lamp contributing to his eye strain. He was first chair on a big case later that week, and he had anxiously been preparing for it. He was so busy that she knew that her having out of town business was actually a relief. Despite the fact that they both were devoted to their jobs, the more the relationship progressed, the more time they spent together. Stressful times at work just meant late nights after the other had fallen asleep. But they hadn't talked since she left. So for a moment she worried that he wouldn't want to come over, that he would be too busy for her. She worried that he would pick work over her. His voice was roughened from lack of sleep, but it softened when he realized it was her on the other end and without her asking, invited himself to spend the night. Instantly she felt better, but even still, she was thinking about it.
She had unpacked and started a load of laundry and nervously tidied the house. She was still thinking about Scotty's words and her doubts were starting to eat at her. Before the trip, they had been spending so much time with each other that it would have been easy for him to overlook her flaws. But what about the break? Without the constant exposure, her faults and shortcomings would become unbearable and it would all be over. So she did all she could to make everything perfect, externally.
. When he opened the door she was still nervous, but he immediately took her in his arms and in that moment, in that space she felt safe. Slowly he slightly pulled back from her so that he could look her in the eyes.
"Hey" he said softly
"Hey" she whispered back not trusting her voice. His stare was becoming unbearable so she looked away while swallowing uncomfortably " Can I get you a beer"
" No, I just want you." He replied forcing her face back to face his and claiming her lips. He drew back and dropped his belonging in the kitchen, happily muttering about nothing, all of sudden his finger was under her chin again and she realized she hadn't moved. Looking into her eyes he knew and he claimed her lips again. Leading her backwards towards the bedroom he already slipped off his suit jacket and threw his tie towards the bedroom door. Lilly sighed into her kiss as she felt her blouse flutter open and the thoughts were a little quieter.
Later that night they lay entertained. Her head rested softly on his chest, their hands clasped. The room was silent. He had arrived an hour after she had called him toting take out from their favorite Italian place and a bottle of pinot. The food still sat on the counter. He didn't need to bring clothes over anymore; they had stashed clothes at each other's places for a while now. They had given each other drawers and shelf space, keys and security codes. He sometimes hinted that maybe one place would make more sense, and she sometimes agreed, but somehow neither had seriously broached the subject. She had assumed that things would fall into place when the time was right. Now she was wondering if that was wrong, if Scotty had a point.
He had kissed her when he arrived, a happy innocent kiss, not like the hungry, passionate kisses they later shared. Either way she loved his kiss, it felt like home, like she had also imagined it would be. Thinking about his kisses, laying here felt more comfortable then she had all those nights in Nashville, all those nights without him. With him things were becoming easy and she worried that maybe that was bad. Her history told her this was disastrous. This is when her relationships imploded, when her mother's relationships and sister's relationships feel apart. Something about tying that history to this present made her chest tighten. The volume on the thoughts turned back up.
Sometimes this felt different. She had stopped putting victim's picture of her nightstand, because he confessed it bothered him. Instead she kept them at work. He had learned to deal with late nights, and she has learned to make them less frequent. He knew the way she liked her eggs, and the subtleties of her moods. She had met his parents, his entire family and she had told him about Ray and her mom and all those things she never told anyone. He knew by her breathing when she was having a nightmare and never needed prompting to whisper the perfect thing into her ear. But was she destined to fail? Would she end up alone?
"Sorry I didn't call you" She could almost feel his brow furrow, and his thumb stilled against her hand
"You mean from Nashville?" She nodded slightly, and his thumb began moving again "We never been one of those sappy couples Lil. You were working, and I was neck deep in expert interviews and perfecting my opening." The room when still again, but she knew that he could sense the change. She needed him to be the one to ask the real question, and with a small exhale he did,
" Lil, what's really going on?"
Lily stared up at the ceiling, her eye searching for cracks. She wondered how he could see through her excuse and she wondered if she could tell him. If she should tell him. Finally she rolled over, folding her arms over his chest, her head on top of them. His head was propped up on a pillow. She studied his eyes, the eyes that betrayed so much. He wasn't use to covering up emotions to way she was and right now those eyes looked so worried. Worried about her. She sighed softly.
" When we were in Nashville, Scotty found this detective down there and Southern charm is not dead"
" So Scotty mixed business and pleasure? I'm liking this guy more and more." Kite chuckled the vibrations moving against her cheek as she rolled her eyes and lightly smacked him.
" That's not the point. After I saw her leaving his room, he told me that , maybe we, him and I weren't the marrying types. And I don't know, I worry, that maybe, what if he is right? What if I can't?" They locked eyes for a few seconds and she saw those eyes flash angry and scared and something she didn't know. Then, all of sudden he pulled her closer and tucked her under his chin.
"So?" he asked his voice deeper than usual
"What if this is it, What if we never get father than this? Or What if I destroy this?"
" Lil, you are not destroying this. You are not going to destroy this. I won't let you. We will work this out as it goes. What matters is I love you."
" I love you too. I want this, I really do. I just, I worry, in the past…"
" Lil, I'm not worried about that. You changed and so have I. I'll neverfelt this way and I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving. Lil you have to believe me"
"I do, I just don't believe myself. "
" But I do. Can that be enough?" She curled up closed to him and nodded slightly. She still worried that this would all fall apart, that she would destroy it, but for the first time all day she wasn't thinking about it.