I do not own BLEACH. If I did, it would be the end of the world. All Hail Kubo-Sensei!
REVENGE! Or What Goes Around Comes Around.
Captain Kurotsuchi regarded the carnage as his anger built up. The gates to the Research and Development facility were trashed, having been torn from their hinges, and the interior of the compound was littered with rubbish from various upended trash bins which always stood close to the doors. He made he way through the mess and into the street, so he could take a closer look at his once shiny and pristine whitewashed walls. Graffiti had been scribbled all over them.
Sirkus is in Town! One announced, with a picture of a goggle-eyed Mayuri next to it.
He examined the next one.
An over-sexualised picture of his Vice-Captain, in a severe state of undress, bending over a computer terminal with the words Artaficial Intellagince: Whitch 1 is it? childishly scrawled beneath it. Another picture of Nemu in a bathing suit with the words gOt w(.)(.)d? Scrawled under it. He examined a few of the other scribbles;
...12th Divisin: Yore MOM's are HoLLOwS! …
...Majurie and Nemu's one-stop chop-shop...
… … Why Don'Cha All Jus Get Lost Ya Weirdo's! … …
Akon and Nemu walked out the gate and looked at their Captain. Mayuri Kurotsuchi was on the verge of having an apoplectic fit. "Do we know who did this?" Akon finally asked.
"Inconclusive," Nemu stated, looking unusually miffed. "We caught lots of the … attackers … on camera but none were recognisable."
"It was the Eleventh Division." Mayuri intoned in a sepulchral whisper.
"Sir?" his two adjuncts asked. Both took a step away from their Captain for reasons of safety.
"Who else is obsessed with carnal thoughts? Which other Division tolerates such atrocious use of language and spelling? AND WHO THE HELL ELSE WOULD DARE SPELL MY NAME LIKE THAT?" he thundered, attracting frightened glances from people up and down the street.
He rounded on them suddenly and started ordering: "Nemu! Go into Rukongai and buy ten crates of that foul sake they like so much and bring it here! Go!"
"Yes, Mayuri-Sama."
"Akon," Mayuri was speaking in a more secretive tone, "How much of compound CX666 is left?"
"About three litres-"
"Brilliant! Go fetch it out, and let me know when Nemu gets back!"
"I can see where you're going with this, Captain. Do you really think they're just gonna say
'Yay! Alcohol Lets fetch everyone and have a party!'? "
Mayuri glowered at him.
"Right away, Captain," he said, holding his hands up in surrender.
"Oh, and Akon...ehehehehe...I want you to mix in a very small amount of compound DBA03."
"My God, Captain! We're scientists, not torturers!" Akon hissed with urgency.
Glower.
"Yes, Captain."
Later that day...
3rd Seat Ikkaku Madarame woke up from his comfortable slumber at the gate-office when he heard someone angrily knocking at the door of the 11th Division Compound. Who the hell... he thought as he yawned and stumbled out of the office and over to the door. Yumichika, who's turn it was to sleep on the only cot in the room, stretched and joined him. It took both men to drag open the heavy doors. Ten large wooden crates stood on the threshold. "Huh? What the hell is this?"
A note, weighed down with a rock, was lying on top of the nearest crate. Ikkaku read it.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR ALL THE HARD WORK! IF IT WERE NOT FOR YOU, NONE OF US WOULD BE ABLE TO SLEEP SAFELY IN OUR BEDS AT NIGHT, BECAUSE HOLLOWS WILL RAVISH US AND GIVE US FOREIGN VENEREAL DISEASES. PLEASE TAKE THIS SMALL OFFERING WITH OUR SINCEREST GRATITUDE!
The note gushed. It was written on pink paper, and the author had signed it with a blood red kiss.
Others members of the 11th Division came wandering over.
On the other side of the street, hidden behind a bush, Nemu wiped the lipstick off with a hanky and peered through the undergrowth. Akon and her Captain was there too. Mayuri was studying the scene through a pair of binoculars he had brought, and was grinning and squeaking delightedly. The imposing figure of Captain Zaraki as well as Yachiru stuck their heads around the door to get a closer look. Mayuri and Akon started hissing.
"The Scourge of Seireitei!"
"The Stuff of Nightmares!"
"The Fifth Horseman!"
"Despair Incarnate!"
"Mayuri-Sama, Akon-san, Captain Zaraki has never-" Nemu began.
"We're not talking about Zaraki!" Both men snapped at once.
"Oh," was all she said when she realised they were glaring at Yachiru.
Ikkaku and Yumichika had opened one of the crates and held up some of the bottles for their Captain to see. Yachiru jumped onto the crates and clapped her hands.
"Yay! Alcohol! Lets fetch everyone and have a party!" she shouted.
"Captain Kurotsuchi?" Akon asked.
"Mmnnnn?"
"I apologise. Sincerely."
SIX HOURS LATER.
Captain Unohana.
One of the oldest seated Captains, she gracefully made her way through a crowd of bystanders as they muttered with wonderment to one another. None of them failed to notice the dignity with which this woman carried herself, from the graceful swing of an arm to the subdued smile she offered to the world. Her twinkling eyes were kind and sad at once, speaking volumes of a long life spent fighting injury and sickness. Her eyes were, as always, demurely downcast like those of bride on her wedding day. She stepped through the crowd with minimal effort, as all she needed to do to clear a path for herself was reach out with a gentle touch and speak soft words. She met several of her colleagues at the gates which led into the 11th Division.
General Yamamoto, 1st Division Captain and de facto leader of Seireitei, gave a heavy sigh of relief when he saw her. He wiped his ancient, scarred head with a handkerchief and offered her a nod of encouragement and respect. Captain Byakuya Kuchiki of the 6th Division stood next to him. His eyes were haunted, and he too had a hanky which was covering his mouth. His other hand was shaking as he clutched at his robes.
"Gentlemen," Captain Unohana began, smiling gently. "The 4th Division received your summons. May I please know what this is about?"
Yamamoto and Byakuya Kuchiki exchanged glances. Byakuya just shook his head, not meeting the healer's eyes. Yamamoto cleared his throat and said, "We don't know. In all my long life, I have NEVER seen anything like this. Please, Captain," He almost begged "Help them!"
Byakuya Kuchiki removed the hanky from his mouth and spoke in level tones. "But if you cannot, please report back immediately so that the General may nuke the 11th Division Compound. For all our sakes, of course, as it may be contagious."
"Nuke? Contagious? Good heavens!" she turned to her Vice-Captain, Isane Kotetsu, as well as various officers from her division who had followed her through the crowd, and now silently waited for her orders.
"Please remain here!" she instructed. "I will go inside and ascertain the nature of the problem, and try to devise a means of treatment."
"Yes, Captain!"
"Be careful, Captain!"
"Such strength and dignity! Those afflicted men are so lucky!"
Unohana smiled gently and walked through the heavy doors, before she promptly disappeared from view in the gloomy interior of the 11th Division. Yamamoto and Byakuya watched the door expectantly for any word from Captain Unohana. A short amount of time passed.
And then everyone, even out in the street, heard her speak.
Yamamoto's jaw dropped.
Byakuya sat down heavily and covered his face with his hands, vainly trying to hide tears.
Isane promptly fainted.
Unohana said "HOLY CHRIST! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS!"
FIVE DAYS LATER.
Captain Unohana sat down at her desk and quietly read some reports. Her 7th seat knocked politely and gently placed a cup of tea on desk. She thanked him with a smile as he departed. Later, her Vice-Captain, Isane, knocked on the door and entered with a sheath of papers.
Isane waited patiently for her captain to finish. Unohana smiled and motioned for the tall girl to sit down.
"So, Isane?"
"Just good news, Captain." Isane said with a happy smile.
"Oh? Please continue."
"Rangiku Matsumoto is pregnant, six weeks along already, but she refuses to name the father. She claims she wants to protect his dignity, but others believe she was too drunk to remember who it was that knocked her up. Captain Kyoraku is running a book; 3 will get you 5 that it was Vice-Captain Kira. Its the safest bet, he says."
Captain Unohana sipped her tea delicately as she thought. "Put me down for 50 kan on Shuuhei Hisagi."
"That's a lot of money, Captain! How-"
Captain Unohana ignored Isane and smiled as she sipped her tea, lost in thought.
Six weeks ago, Hisagi reported to me with a SEVERE backache. Only natural, given that three disks were injured. That, and the minor matter of all the claw marks on his back and shoulders, as well as the bite marks on his neck and ribs. And he had a huge hangover, just like Matsumoto when she reported later that same day, also sporting suspicious bruises.
"Any word from Captain Kurotsuchi?"
"Yes, Captain. He said the latest batch of antidotes is "Guaranteed To Work"...Um...when he brings them tomorrow." she started fidgeting.
"Isane?" Unohana asked sweetly.
"Yes, Captain?"
"Tell that painted madman that if I have to get out of bed at 3 in the morning again to amputate wings, feelers, variously assorted extra limbs, and otherwise clean up that mess he made over at the 11th, I'll tell the General about his misconduct."
"Yes Captain. May I ask, how is the treatment progressing?"
"Oh, Fine. If Captain Kurotsuchi is as good as his word, and he better be, the last patients, Zaraki, Madarame and Ayasegawa, can be dismissed at the end of the week. They each drank almost two thirds more than the other patients, hence greater exposure..."
"Hence still not being cured," Isane finished.
"Indeed. Come with me, I will show you."
Unohana led Isane through the large medical building and straight to the quarantine section. Technically, the patients were not contagious, but out of respect for their privacy, given the utterly bloody unique nature of their ailment, they were moved here. Unohana turned to Isane.
"Now remember: Don't stare. No negativity or bad comments. No loud noises. And for the love of Asklepios, don't laugh."
Unohana knocked and stepped into the room, speaking softly. Isane followed. Her eyes went round like saucers and she instinctively put her hands over her mouth to stifle screams...of laughter. There were three beds in the room against the left-hand wall. Three miserable looking figures sat on the bed nearest to the door, waiting for their check-up.
Yumichika sat on the far left. He looked the best out of the three. His hair was brushed into its usual glossy shine, his skin had been scrubbed pink and squeaky clean, and his feathery eye ornaments were in their usual places. The image was rather marred, however, by a pair of calves and feet that had swelled to five times their regular size. His feet was covered in bright yellow and red fur. He looked like a toddler who had stepped into a pair of safety boots. Ironically, Unohana had put him on suicide watch when she realised how fragile the man's ego was. Ikkaku was unrecognisable. All she could see was a huge ball of fluffy, curly hair at the far right side of the bed. As she watched, a harried looking nurse seized a clump of hair and started snipping with a vengeance. After about 30 seconds, Ikkaku face and entire body was visible again. Ikkaku looked quite normal, if you set aside the fact that his skin was now pink with purple spots, and that his hair was growing at a rate of 2 ft per minute.
In the middle sat the most miserable looking patient Isane had ever seen. Zaraki had whiskers on his cheeks and his nose had flattened to an almost feline shape. He had claws where his nails should have been (he was wearing wine-corks on each claw for general safety reasons) and had walrus-like tusks growing out of his lower jaw, also corked. He had shrunk, and was currently about a third of his regular size and weight. But worst of all were the two huge pink floppy bat-like ears on either side of his head.
No loud noises eh?
All three were afflicted with one other ailment, the same one for them all: Their upper front teeth had widened and lengthened, giving them all an appearance reminiscent of a chipmunk.
"Have you three taken your meds?" Unohana asked.
Nod
Nod
Nod.
"Are you resting well?"
Nod
Nod
Nod
Unohana caught Isane's eye. Isane spotted the evil glint in them immediately. "It's going to be another day before you can get your final treatment, and another five before we release you." Unohana announced.
"What Did You Say Thats BULL we Wanna Go Home!" Zaraki chattered. Isane gasped again, and considered clamping her hands around her throat to prevent herself laughing. Zaraki, for 100 years the most feared killing machine in all of Seireitei, had just chattered like a furry animal on a Saturday morning cartoon. He sounded like a patient who had inhaled helium and then spoke too fast.
"If We Find That Clown We Gonna Kill Him!" an angry-sounding chatter escaped from the hair-ball on the far right.
"My Beautiful Feet And Voice Reduced ToT his!" Yumichika actually managed to wail as he chattered.
"Shut Up You Don't Look Like A lawn Ornament With Floppy Ears Ya Bastards!" Zaraki hurled at them.
"A little more patience, and we'll return you to your Division. All your subordinates had made a 100% recovery," came Unohana.
"Yachiru?" asked Zaraki.
"She's doing well. Her tail disappeared and her simian arms also shrank to normal a little while later. We released her yesterday. Full recovery." Unohana said again.
"Teeth?"
"Gone, but she, like all of you, will be stuck with that chatter until the effects of the substance wears off."
"Oh. Okay."
Later that day, Isane joined her Captain in the office again.
As always, Hanatarou brought them each a cup of tea before they wrapped up for the day.
"What a quiet day," Unohana mused.
"Will they really make a full recovery, Captain?" Isane asked.
"Probably. Mayuri is, regrettably, damn good when comes to mixing those damned potions of his. However, as a precaution against retribution, we should blank their memories of the last week and just tell them they had salmonella."
"Yes, Captain. You don't think they'll find out, do you?"
"Of course they will. But if they can't remember it, they won't have a leg to stand on, seen as how they won't have memories or evidence."
"Yes, Captain."
"Isane?"
"Yes, Captain?"
"What did you do with the evidence?"
"From OPERATION: PAYBACK, you mean?"
"Yes, Isane." Unohana smiled.
"I had the black uniforms we stole from the second division burned. The pictures of Nemu and Captain Kurotsuchi were obtained from a disreputable man in Rukongai, so we can deny everything. They too were burned. The spray-paint we secretly obtained from Kisuke was buried."
"Buried?"
"In Captain Kommamura's back garden. Like all canines, he likes to bury bones in the soft ground. Another suspicious heap of dirt in his garden won't be noticed."
"Well done. Please mark OPERATION: PAYBACK as a success. After this, despite their amnesia, the 11th Division will think twice about assaulting my staff, messing on my walls and publishing pictures taken of me while I'm bathing. Bastards!"
Isane blushed deep red.
She thinks the 11th did that? Good thing I didn't tell her about my new digital camera. Or about that little hole in the wall of her private bath...Um...At least I got a lot of money for it, and the party I had afterwards with Shuuhei and Rangiku was fun. Lots and lots of fun...
Isane blushed even harder, if such a thing were possible.
"Are you all-right Isane?"
Isane shook herself and rallied her thoughts.
"Yes, Captain. But why did you make us scribble on the walls of the 12th Division if you were after the 11th?"
"Two reasons. First, deniability. Kurotsuchi is the one who poisoned them, and I now have leverage. Second, Kurotsuchi lost a bet to me six weeks ago, and refused to pay me the money he owed me. This way, I kill two birds with one stone, and I get to blackmail that painted bastard whenever I want!"
"Yes, Captain."
AFTERMATH.
The entire 11th Division made a full recovery. No evidence could be traced to any culprit, so it was decided, by mutual agreement between the 4th and the 12th, That Sosuke Aizen was responsible.
Aizen sat on his throne in Hueco Mundo, reading the morning edition of The Seireitei Times and silently felt very proud. Szayel Aporro Granz, the hollow version of Mayuri Kurotsuchi, was very surprised when he found a nifty bonus in his pay check at the end of the month.
SO, HOW WAS IT? C'MON YOU CAN TELL ME, I'M YOUR FRIEND. REALLY! PLEASE REVIEW. REMEMBER, COMMENTS ARE LOVE AND I NEED LOTS!