A/N: Okay, I was really hoping for a team scene with JJ or another Reid/JJ scene in the next episode, but sadly it didn't happen (like with all my other hopes for certain scenes). So, like I usually do with these crushed hopes, I turned it into a fanfic.
Thanks to Annber03 for looking this over! She is awesome!
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Spencer Reid was standing in the door way of the conference room, staring at something, as the others arrived. They didn't have a case, it was mostly a day of paperwork unless something came up, but they still had to debrief from the last case. They waited for Reid to move, but he seemed like he was deep in thought, about what they didn't know. After a few moments of waiting Morgan decided enough was enough.
"Yo, Reid, we can't get in with you standing there." His voice jolting Reid out of his thoughts.
"What? Oh, sorry." Reid replied, briefly looking up and seeing the whole team behind him, and moved into the room. His gaze never wavering from the object of his attention as he moved to the other side of the room. It was then that the team saw the deep concern etched on his face. They moved into the room and peered over to where he was looking and was shocked at what they saw. JJ, fast asleep on the couch.
It wasn't just her sleeping in the conference room that shocked them, but her appearance. It looked like she went through hell in the last few hours since they had last seen her. Her clothing, same ones from the day before, were rumpled. Her hair was falling out of the braid she had put it in. Her mascara had run down her face which they had deducted were from tears, the redness and puffy look of her eyes giving that away.
The two things that really stood out to everyone, two things that told them something was really wrong, were the dark circles under her eyes and the way Reid was looking at her. They all knew that he had some knowledge about what was going on with their team mate, Hotch especially. At first Hotch had thought it was a problem with Reid himself after he had caught him being distracted, something that never happened to the young genius unless the distraction was very important...or a craving. The latter being the first thing that came to Hotch's mind when he saw how distracted Reid was. But now, as he looked back to the past few days, he remembered seeing the young man watching JJ with the same concern as he was now and it finally clicked.
"Oh my gosh! What happened?" Garcia's voice brought everyone out of their thoughts. She had just arrived for the meeting when she saw everyone just standing around and looking at one area of the room. Her heart plummeted when she laid eyes on her friend. She started to go to JJ, but Morgan held her back, not wanting to disturb the girl from the sleep that she looked like she desperately needed.
"Reid, is everything okay?" Hotch asked quietly, his gaze swinging between the two youngest team members. Reid heard him, but didn't say anything for a few moments. he didn't know what to say. She had told him to keep it between them. Oh, how he wished he hadn't of agreed with her, placated her. She needed help, which he tried to do, but it seemed it didn't work. He needed help helping her! He sighed.
"Reid, what is going on?" Hotch urged after the moment of silence from the man in question.
"She's hurting, Hotch. She's hurting and I don't know what to do for her." The saddness he was feeling seeped into his tone. His crossed arms tightened around him, a tell that he was anxious about something.
"Hurting? From what?" Garcia asked. She looked taken aback by the look that Reid sent her.
"From what? You can't seriously tell me that you've forgotten what happened almost a year ago." The knowledge of his sleeping friend was lost in the disbelief coursing through his body and his voice rose as he spoke, his tone full of disbelief and bit of anger. Garcia's mouth fell open in her usual dramatics. She was speechless, she had never been on the other end of Reid's bad attitude.
"Reid, calm down. We haven't forgotten..." Hotch said before getting cut off.
"Then you know what I mean!" Reid exclaimed and then immediately regretted it, knowing he would be stuck with everyone wanting to know the reason. He exasperatingly ran a hand through his hair and hoped he could get himself out of the hole he made.
"No. No we don't, Reid." Morgan said in frustration.
"She has shown subtle hints of PTSD, but not major ones. She has become a little quiet and has pushed away a bit, but she hasn't pushed us out completely. She does look tired, but she is eating. She isn't hurting herself and she isn't panicking or overly emotional. Whatever this is, it isn't only PTSD. " He continued, explaining why no one understood.
"That's because it isn't." Another voice, raspy and hitched, made them jump. They turned to see that JJ was sitting up with her head hanging, being supported by her hands and her hair making a curtain around her. They heard her sniffle and saw her wipe her eyes. She took a deep breath before raising her head to look at them.
"Oh, honey." Garcia said sadly, her voice almost a whisper. Morgan let go of her arm and she immediately crossed the room to her friend. She went to hug JJ only to be pushed away, her face crumpled and tears started to roll down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, I just...I don't...I don't want to be touched right now...by anyone." JJ explained with a sigh. Garcia just nodded and got up, moving back to where Morgan was. The team had moved closer to the couch so the conversation wouldn't be so loud.
"JJ, what is going on?" Rossi asked softly, getting straight to the point. He was a Vietnam vet and had his own version of PTSD, but he had dealt with it a long time ago. He had also witnessed others go through the horrid illness. He could see slight signs of it in her. Dark circles. Clear indication of nightmares. Haunted expression, she's having flashbacks. He noticed her flinching and tensing at his closeness. Uncomfortable around men. Won't react well to strangers. He added. But, like she said, there was something else going on. Something in her eyes was familiar, but he just couldn't put his finger on it.
"What's going on?" She parroted with a fake chuckle. The sound making everyone's stomachs drop, never had she sounded so broken and it wrenched their hearts horribly.
"JJ..."Reid started, but was cut off. He knew what she was going to say and wanted to be sure she wouldn't regret it later.
"No, Spence. I know I made you promise and I'm glad that you kept it, but I realize I need to tell everyone the truth. If I don't...I don't know what will happen." She said, letting them digest the underlying meaning. Garcia's tears started up again and JJ finally let her's fall freely. She shook her head, a sign to the others that she was having an internal battle. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before starting to talk again. Everyone kept silent, keeping their attention on her and what she was saying.
"I know that everyone has sensed that something is going on. Spence was the first to call me out on it and I confided in him about what was happening. I thought that he could help me, he understands more than anyone else..."She said, the underlying message not going passed anyone. Reid looked down as he felt their eyes on him. Kate furrowed her brow as she realized the extent that she didn't know her team.
"What? What does she mean by that?" She asked.
"I was captured and tortured by an unsub almost eight years ago." Reid supplied shortly, knowing what she was questioning. He didn't look at her, but he could tell by the silence that she was shocked.
"I wish I could have helped you. I'm sorry..." He trailed off, he had dropped his head and his voice was almost a whisper as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. The whole scene from the other day running through his mind like a horrible short movie on loop. JJ's eyes, filled with anguish, cutting into him painfully.
JJ, noticing Reid's regret and knowing he needed reassurance, stood up and walked over to him. She took his hands and held them tight in her own, the action making him look up from the ground and look at her.
"Don't you dare think that. You might not have been able to take the pain away, but just you being there helped immensely." She said in a firm, yet gentle, tone.
"No, I'm talking about when it happened. I-I wish I had been there. Been there for you so you hadn't been alone. You should have had someone there, someone close. Will, me or anyone else. You shouldn't have gone through that by yourself." He explained. The words and the emotion in his voice brought her to the edge again. The anger she felt wasn't towards Reid himself, but towards the reason for the thoughts he was having. Her emotions got the best of her and she exploded.
"You did! You went through the aftermath of Hankel by yourself." She knew it was a low blow, but she couldn't stop, she had to defend herself.
"That was different!" He shot back. The others were watching this fight silently and with shock. Never had they seen Reid nor JJ this angry at each other, not even during the after Emily came back.
"How was it different?" She challenged.
"I got help. I didn't wait years before it all caught up to me to finally deal with it!" He answered. She didn't have anything to say to that, he was right.
"Why the hell did you give me that file? What did you think it would do?" She asked.
"Because I thought trying to get you to do what I do to deal with cases would help. I can see it didn't." He said sadly.
"How does reading a file of the most evil person in the world, the person who is tearing my life apart even while dead, help me? It won't change anything! It won't bring Nadia back or her daughter..."She trailed off before adding, "...it won't bring my baby back." Her eyes were down cast as she said that, not wanting to see the looks being sent her way by the others. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, like she was trying to hold herself together or protect herself or maybe both. She finally bore her pain for all to see and she was terrified on the reactions.
"He told me that he will keep taking from me until I'm unrecognizable. I told him no, but I'm not sure that I can keep going like this." The fear in her eyes alerted everyone to how much this was affecting her. Reid's eyes narrowed in confusion.
"He told you?" He asked. She nodded. Everyone looked between the two, wondering where this was going.
"What do you mean by that?" He asked
"He was there...but he wasn't."
"What are talking about, JJ?" Morgan asked, finally speaking up.
"When I was reading that file. Askari appeared across from me and we...we talked. He told me that he didn't break me, he just bent me and that he was going to keep taking things away; my sleep, my smile, my safety, my job..." The tears rolled down her cheeks as she began to shake. She collapsed on the couch. Reid looked over to Hotch and Rossi with fear running through him. The idea of her turmoil turning into hallucinations wasn't good. He could see that they both were having similar thoughts.
"JJ, what happened afterwards?" Kate spoke up. Her voice calm and gentle, like it usually was when she was interviewing the family of victims. Her eyes, on the other hand, held the concern that everyone else held.
"I told him 'no'." She stated. This brought small smiles on everyone's faces and a sense of relief flooded them. They knew that she would go without a fight.
"What happened next?" Kate continued.
"I said 'no' a few times. After the first one, he was gone." She answered. During all this, Reid kept his eyes on Hotch and Rossi. He could tell that they were evaluating her, both were whispering to each other, but couldn't read them on what they were thinking or read their lips and was afraid of what their thoughts were. He turned back to her when he noticed the lull in voices.
"JJ, I'm sorry that I made..."Reid started but was cut off.
"Don't. I'm sorry I said what I did. You didn't make me read that file, Spence. I could have not gone and looked at it. Don't even think about apologizing." She said. She tentatively stood up and moved towards him. He didn't know what she was doing until he felt her arms around his waist and he sighed in relief as he returned the hug.
"I'm still sorry that you went through all you did." He whispered into her ear, knowing that they were being watched closely. She sighed, but took it with a nod and a small 'thank you'. He rubbed her back a bit before letting her go.
"JJ, you know what I'm going to have to do?" Hotch spoke up. JJ sighed.
"Yeah, but please. I need my job, I need this team." She said, her eyes getting watery once again.
"I know, and that is why I'm going to do everything I can to keep you on it. It is going to take some work, though." He said.
"I know and I'm willing to do whatever it takes." She said with determination. The old JJ shining through, making everyone smile.
"Good. Can you come and see me in my office in thirty minutes? We need to debrief still. Rossi will be joining us as well." He said, earning a nod from the man mentioned.
"Sure. Thanks, Aaron." She said sincerely. He gave her a nod before sitting down. The others following his lead but not before giving JJ a hug. Garcia came up last, her head hanging down a bit.
"Garcia, I'm sorry for how I..."
"No, don't you dare apologize. I totally understand." The brightly clothed woman said before pulling the blonde into a tight hug.
"And don't you ever do that again. Alright? Don't you dare try to hold everything together by yourself. We love you, You are our family. Family doesn't let one struggle on their own." Garcia said, trying to sound firm, but failing. This brought a small smile to JJ's face.
"Alright." She stated before letting herself be tugged to a chair at the table. She looked around the table at the people who cared for her and who she cared for in return. She sighed. It was going to be a long road to recovery, but with the love of family she would make it through.
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