Zell sighed, rolling his head round slowly, hearing the tiny cracks of his neck and stretching his arms back and to the side, his elbows repeating the low, hollow crack of what he knew to be the release of gasses in the synovial fluid between his bones. Science classes had taught him something, at least.
He flopped backwards onto the soft, cool grass on the slope in front of Balamb Garden. He closed his eyes and basked in the blue glow of his floating home. Boredom. Even the word sounded boring. Wasn't there a word for that? He was sure there was, and frowned as he focussed on that word just on the tip of his tongue.
"You ok down there?"
Zell sighed in annoyance as the word sank back into nothingness...he'd never get it now. He opened his eyes, blinking away the blindness and turning his head to the right, towards the familiar voice.
"Seifer" he smiled, breathing in deeply, preparing to sit up.
"Hey" Seifer grinned back, sitting down roughly beside him.
As he lay Hyperion on the ground between them, he pulled his knees up and rested his folded arms gently on top of them, staring into the distant horizon. Zell glanced at him and turned to watch the same horizon, searching out whatever unknown, invisible thing held Seifer so captivated.
Since Ultimecia had been defeated and Seifer had been released from her control, there had been a change deep within him. Zell saw it...Squall saw it...everyone saw it. The last war had caused huge devastation to the whole world; it had caused many deaths. Everyone had felt a loss of some sort in the past 5 years. The 'orphanage gang' had lost their memories, their past and possibly their lust for life. The families throughout the world were all missing someone...a friend...a relative...a teacher. Sometimes, it was like there was a sick competition to see who had lost the most. Zell knew who.
Seifer had lost everything. His 'knighthood' had cost him his career, his friends...and his soul. Sure, he had been let back into Garden...and sure, the media had bombarded the world with reports on mind control and live interviews and hour long specials on how Seifer was the innocent one...but it hadn't really helped. There had still been people who didn't know of Seifer and the things he'd been forced to do...and all the media did was plaster his face on every TV screen...every building...every newspaper...and soon, everyone knew. Soon, everyone in the world knew who to avoid on a plane, on a train...who to cross the street to pass.
Seifer still took part in SeeD missions. He fought with all the strength he'd always had, but every time they fought an Iguion, Zell saw him flinch. Every time someone jested and said "You're losing it, Seifer!", Zell saw the look in his eyes. The only look that could make Zell's heart break. It was a look of absolute sorrow and remorse. It was a look that said "I will never escape what I've done". It was a look that made Zell wish he had been her pawn instead.
"You're in your own world, there, Chick" Seifer chuckled, nudging the unblinking blonde to his left. The smaller boy looked up at Seifer and grinned like only he could.
"Sorry, did you say something?" he asked, rubbing the back of his neck in slight embarrassment.
"Classes are starting" he replied.
"...and this new parameter is called the 'average turnover rate' which is defined as the cellular death rate averaged over all subpopulations in the model. Now we can see that..."
The instructor dropped his chalk on the floor and fell down, following it's path, shuffling around on his hands and knees like a dog, trying to retrieve it and continue the class.
"This is the highlight of this whole lesson" Irvine whispered to Selphie, sat nestled in the crook of his arm, grinning. She looked up at her cowboy boyfriend, his long, brown hair wrapped around his neck to keep it out of her face.
"I would NOT like to party with him!" she whispered back, shock spreading across her face as if she was living the worst moment of her life.
"Oh Selph, don't be so mean, I'm sure he's a wonderfully entertaining person in his own time. We should invite him to our hangout sometime!" and having said that, Irvine laughed so loudly that the whole class turned to look at him.
Zell leaned to the laughing couple behind him and patted Selphie's monitor to get her attention.
"Selph, are you still planning on that ball?" he asked quietly, biting the side of his mouth, focussing intently on her round, pink face, hot from laughing.
"Yeah I am, why? You struggling to think of a girl to ask out?" She grinned again, leaning forward to pat Zell's shoulder with sarcastic comfort.
"Huh, funny, Selph...I'll have you know, if I wanted to ask a girl out, I wouldn't have a problem" Zell retorted, returning her 'comfort' with a mock thankful smile and turning back to his desk and the instructor, who had only just found the rogue chalk.
/IF/
The bell rang out and students all around him suddenly started talking and throwing things into their bags. Zell pulled on his jacket slowly, picked up the pile of papers on his desk and walked absentmindedly to the door. If Selphie threw the ball she was planning on, he would be in Hell. He already thought about the past too much...and now she wanted this ball. She planned on using the same music...the same food...the same everything...as before. That was the last time everyone had been happy and it would just be another chance for him to reminisce...remembering things that were probably best left alone. And what of Seifer? Zell could already see him sinking into himself. He didn't need this.
After the war, the group had 'talked it out' in group therapy...and since then there hadn't been any trouble between them. There was no conflict between Squall and Seifer. There was no hidden aggression waiting to snap out of the worst moment. There had not even been a misunderstanding between any of them. But if Seifer kept retreating into his shell...he would soon start to break...
/If everyone in the world thought of ME as a child-killing psycho...I'd probably end up becoming one/
He walked up to Seifer's dorm door and knocked softly, still stuck in thoughts of madness and war.
"Yeah?" came the muffled call from the other side of the door. "Who is it?"
"It's me" he mumbled
"What?! ...hang on...Hyne..."
Seifer threw the door open impatiently, but grinned when he saw Zell stood in his doorway.
"Hey. What are you doing here?"
"I came to talk" Zell said, staring up at the more than 6' tall, shower-wet blonde in front of him, watching the drops of water fall from the tips of his hair and running down his shoulders.
Seifer walked into his room again and motioned for Zell to follow, checking the towel around his waist. He wandered over to the kitchenette and turned over two mugs from the draining board onto the side and flipped the switch on the kettle. Zell perched on the edge of Seifer's bed and tapped his foot nervously.
Zell wasn't usually the nervous type...he was a great believer that if you had to do something, you had to do it...and if it wasn't such a good thing, you should only focus on the good at the other side. But Seifer always made him nervous...though it was always different...sometimes, he was so nervous he couldn't talk, walk or breathe...and other times he could only giggle like the schoolgirl he felt like inside. It was something about the way Seifer didn't appear to care. Zell knew that he did, in fact, care about a lot of things...but he always appeared so unmovable. So indestructible. If he fell over, he would get up, dust himself off and just look at where he fell, logically piecing together what had happened and carrying on. If he was burned, he would calmly place the burn under the ice cold water and just stand there, waiting for it to cool. He never seemed frustrated, embarrassed or put out at all. It was all so...unreal...and it made Zell feel inferior.
If he watched him closely...scrutinising every tiny muscle in his face and noting every miniscule flicker of his eyes and if he watched his hand for the slightest twitch, Zell could make out his emotions. He knew that, when he fell, the slight clench of a fist meant he was embarrassed and hurt. He noticed the greater rise and fall of his chest as he sighed when anyone avoided him. He saw all those little signs...but still felt so insignificant...Zell's emotions were always on show.
"How do you feel, Seifer?"
"What do you mean, how do I feel?" the other boy grinned and flicked a teabag into each mug.
"I mean...how do you feel? I don't know...but I just...I get the feeling that you're really depressed and I hate to think that you're suffering on your own, cooped up in here."
The kettle rumbled as steam billowed from it's spout and clicked as the switch turned off. Seifer poured hot water over each of the teabags and clumsily poured in milk. As he wiped the side down and put the bottle of milk back in the tiny fridge, he slid open a draw to his left with his free hand and grabbed a knife before slamming the drawer shut again speedily. He whipped the knife round in the teacups and threw the knife in the sink. Looking pleased with how fast he'd made the drinks, he laughed.
"What makes you think I'm depressed?" he asked, handing a mug over to Zell.
"Everything. I watch you..."
"Wait...you watch me?!" Seifer fell into hysterics and braced himself against the counter behind him "What're you, my stalker?"
"No I mean...when we're all...missioning...I watch you and you're twitchy and...and you won't play chess...and...I would be depressed..."
"Aw...little Chicken-wuss, the last time you were this serious, they'd run out of hotdogs...you must really be worried about me, huh?" Seifer asked, half sarcastically...but half actually finding the warped logic in that sentence.
"She's planning a ball, you know" Zell sipped at the tea.
Seifer's lips tightened and his gaze flickered from Zell to the bed he was sat on and back again.
"That's the look!" Zell yelled "Right there! That's why I watch you, Seifer!"
Seifer sighed and took a great gulp of hot tea, not even flinching as it burned the back of his throat, searing down into his stomach. Pain had started becoming quite pleasurable lately, strange though that seemed to Seifer, but he didn't argue with that...after all, less pain and more pleasure could hardly be a bad thing.
"Please talk to me!" He didn't really want to sit there and plead with him, but he had to get him to open up.
Seifer laughed and stepped towards the bed where Zell was sat and grinned down at him. "I knew you liked me, Zell. I knew it! They said I was crazy...but you are aren't you?! You're gay! And you luuuuurve me, don't ya?" he chuckled and threw himself onto the foot of the bed, leaning against the wall with his legs spread across the bed behind Zell...who had narrowly escaped a scalding.
"Seifer, that's not really the issue here..." he mumbled, placing his mug on the floor away from the bed.
Seifer leaned towards Zell, slowly moving a hand towards his stomach. He placed his hand delicately on Zell's shirt and unbuttoned two of his buttons.
"You've done your shirt up wrong, you numbskull!" he grinned even broader and correctly buttoned the lower half of his shirt. "It's bad luck you know."
"Didn't think you were into all that superstition stuff" Zell said quietly "Anyways...'course it's bad luck...means you're a dumbass for not being able to dress yourself!" And he grinned awkwardly up at Seifer who still hadn't moved away.
"Seifer I am worried about you. It's hard watching you suffer."
Zell stood up, picking up his mug as he did and walked over to place it in the sink. He looked at Seifer, sat on the bed on his own, his towel revealing more of his legs than Zell thought he realised. He headed for the door and opened it, turning to face Seifer before closing it behind him.
He couldn't sit in there any longer...Seifer had gotten far too close for his comfort. Zell honestly didn't care about whether or not Seifer was toying with him or whether he did actually feel something in return...he was just plain worried about him. All Zell wanted was for Seifer to be happy again. Or at least...not depressed.
He trudged around the shiny, waxed halls of Garden, ignoring the other students passing by and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Watching his feet as he walked, he headed for the training area. Beating some grats might help.
"Zell!"
Zell ignored the shout from behind him, kicking a ball of paper along the ground.
"Zell, wait!"
Zell turned to see Seifer running at full speed around Garden, his trench coat flapping wildly behind him. Zell didn't think he'd ever seen him move so fast before...even when they were in a chase on a mission, Seifer seemed to move with an easy grace...more of a fast stride than an actual run...but now he was racing towards him, flinging students out of the way and almost falling over himself.
"Zell...I'm sorry!" he panted, putting his hands on his knees and shaking, struggling to catch his breath as he spoke.
"For what?"
"For just now...I was an ass...I shouldn't tease. And..." he straightened up and looked sadly down at Zell, blinking slowly "You're right"
"I am?" Zell was honestly shocked. No-one had ever admitted he was right before now. Of all the things he could say he was; sexy, charming, witty...right, well, those were just four of the things he wasn't.
"Yeah...I hate this place, Zell..." Seifer confessed, throwing an arm round in a frantic gesture at Garden "I hate how everybody pretends to have forgotten and no-one has...I hate how kids ask their parents questions about me JUST loud enough to hear...and I hate how their parents step between them and me to protect them. I hate having to act happy...how can I be happy?! I killed them all!"
"Seifer you..."
"I killed them, Zell! Men, women, children...Hyne knows how many of them...and I laughed at them...and I remember it all"
Seifer's blue eyes sparkled, overloaded with emotion and salty, treacherous tears. Him showing emotion was scary for Zell...it was what he wanted...but what he really wanted was for him to not have them at all. Seeing the tears in Seifer's eyes wrenched at Zell's guts. He reached out to touch Seifer's arm...to try and comfort him...but didn't know whether he should and just barely brushed against his coat.
"Zell, I don't know what the fuck to do!" Seifer cried angrily, a single tear rolling across his cheek, flowing around his jaw line and down his neck, soaking into the collar of his freshly ironed shirt.
Zell didn't know what to do either...but he knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to reach up and kiss the man. He wanted to hold his head in his hands and wipe away his tears and tell him it was all ok. He wanted to stroke his hair and kiss his lips and bury his face in his neck. He wanted to comfort him and didn't know how, or what was appropriate. He could feel his whole face flushing with colour and he could feel the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end.
As if Seifer had read his thoughts, he leaned down, so close to Zell's face that their breath mingled in mid-air and warmed both their mouths. He placed one hand on either side of his face and breathed a single laugh which played on Zell's lips and made him shudder.
"I need you...to tell me it's alright...and...I don't want to be this weak! I just..."
Zell lurched forward and kissed Seifer, eyes shut and full of anticipation, reaching up to hold Seifer's arms in his hands.
/I love you/
"It IS going to be alright, Seifer" he whispered, as the smiling blonde stood up, his hands still cupped gently around Zell's face.
By now, quite a few students and one or two instructors had paused in their tracks to watch the scene. A few were giggling and a few were groaning with disgust. Zell ignored them and Seifer only grinned.
"I hope it'll be alright...it should be...if you're here" he mumbled, his cheeks tinted with pink.
Zell had never seen Seifer being so honest, so open and so...so sexy! He grinned and stepped past him to walk back towards the dorms, placing his hands back in his pockets and turning his head round to Seifer.
"I hope you have more tea"
/And I hope we don't drink any/