Rating: PG
Author: Starbuck
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. I know this, you know this. So, now that we have that covered, on with the show....
"Scully" file: I wonder how 'they' would react if we were gone? Let's make sure that we never need to find out.
Summary: Mulder is reeling after the death of Scully when he is given a letter she left behind.
Spoilers: Major Sappiness Factor. (MSF) and Major Cry factor (MCF)
Archive: Absolutely....but only with my permission. I like to know where the pieces of my soul are going....wouldn't you?
Songs....Just there to set the mood. Credits go to Live and Peter Gabriel respectively.
"...the angel closes her eyes,
the confusion that was hers,
belongs now to the baby down the hall...." - Live, "Iris"
"Mulder, are you all right?" Frohlike cleared his throat. Jesus...dumb question....Mulder, I'm really sorry..."
Mulder instantly knew from the voice that it was Frohlike. Which meant that Byers and Langley were not far behind. The Three Freakin' Musketeers. On any other day they would be a welcome sight for him. Right now he just wanted everyone and everything to go away. He hated having to have a reception after the funeral but it was what the family wanted. He just wanted to grieve for her alone and in his own way.
"Hey Frohlike. Thanks for coming." Mulder tried his best to smile but he knew it was worthless. He couldn't hide his feelings this time. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to anymore.
"I just spoke to Scully's brother. He wanted me to give you this. It 's from Scully. She apparently had written it to you several years ago, before you got married. He found it in her room at her parent's house. It was inside her cedar chest. He thought you should have it." Frohlike cleared his throat again as he handed Mulder a cream colored envelope with Mulder's name inscribed on the front. Frohlike stepped away without saying a word. Leaving Mulder to read her words. Frohlike looked towards Byers and Langley. Then they turned to watch Mulder walk away. Their hearts ached for him. They ached for her. Yet all their technological know-how and expertise could never bring her back.
Mulder thumbed the edges of the envelope as if it was made of the finest, most delicate silk. He looked at her handwriting. Mulder knew that writing well from the hundreds, if not thousands of case files they had done together. From the dozens of sarcastic sticky notes she would often leave for him on his desk. He still had them tucked away in a drawer somewhere. He made a mental note to find them again. He had them stored in the attic with the other stuff he brought home from work when they left the X-Files He wanted to put them in a safer place. She always hated how cluttered he is, especially at home.
Mulder quietly went into the bedroom and opened the sealed envelope as he sat down onto their bed. Already the tears were welling up in his eyes. He did his best to push them away. He had to get through this. He had to manage the strength to read this letter. He put the envelope down and wiped away the moisture from his face. It was then that he heard a faint knock on the door followed by a child's voice, "Daddy?"
"Come on in sweetheart."
"Daddy, do you think mommy is in heaven?"
Mulder picked up his seven year old daughter, Katherine, and placed her on his lap. "If anyone deserves to be in heaven it is your mother. She was always Daddy's guardian angel that's for sure. She is up there right now looking down at you." Mulder hugged his daughter tightly in his arms and placed a kiss on her forehead. She looked so much like her mother. That auburn hair, her warm smile, and her tenacity was every bit like her mother's. To look at her hurt him deeply but he was grateful for having Katherine. Now more than ever. It gave him something to live for. Without their family he wouldn't know what to do with himself.
Katherine picked up the envelope from the side of the bed and held it in her hand. "What's this?"
"It's a letter from your mom."
"What does it say?"
"I don't know. I haven't read it yet."
"Oh."
Mulder looked at his daughter carefully. She was trying so hard to be brave for him. Trying hard not to let him see her cry. In that way she was every bit like her father. "Kat, it is okay to cry for mommy you know. She wouldn't be mad at you."
"I know but I don't want you to see me cry. I know you miss her too."
"Yes, I miss her very much. I always will."
Katherine looked up at her dad as any young child would. Seeing for the first time the tears in her father's eyes. Yet, she didn't see any weakness in him. She only saw love. She raised her tiny hand up to her father's face and wiped the tears from his cheeks. "It's okay Dad. I'm still here. I'll take care of you." With that she got up, hugged her father, and walked out of the room.
Mulder picked up the envelope from the bed. Again he thumbed the edges of the letter before he slowly opened up the pages.Dearest Mulder,
How do I begin? The scientist in me says to do this logically. To start at the beginning but even that seems to be too difficult for me now. However, since I doubt I will ever give this letter to you I might as well start there.
I remember the first day I walked into your office. You were hostile towards me to say the least. I understood that. I wouldn't have been thrilled myself if someone walked into my office and announced that they were there to debunk my life's work. In fact I probably would have been livid with you had the roles been reversed. I am grateful that we have the relationship we have now, strictly professionally speaking. I guess that is why I am writing this. But I have gotten ahead of myself.
Anyway, as time went on we began to work well together. We were the lock to the other's key. Knowing what the other was thinking even as they were thinking it. Anticipating what the other would say or do was an everyday occurrence for us. With time that too had changed. I don't know if it happened when I was dying of cancer, when you almost kissed me in the hall of your apartment building, or the endless times we saved it each other from certain death. It very well could have been any of a million moments stolen in the office where you looked at me in that way only you could. At any rate, I know now that I love you.
There I have put my feelings into words. Finally and decisively.
You will always be there for me. This I know is true in the midst of all the uncertainty that surrounds us. No matter what I will have that to hold on to. It will be my lifeline, my true north. You are the one who makes me want to keep working the impossible cases we face everyday. You make me want to keep going when others question our resolve.
Even if I never say these words to you they are now tangible, palpable. Who knows? Maybe one day one of us will speak them out loud. I have dreamed of a life with you so many times. A life without the X-Files. A normal life with a nice house, a dog, and kids. I dreamed they look like you. They smile like you do. Most of all, I they will all have your spirit. It is that spirit that has always sustained me. It sustains me now.
Mulder, I will always love you even if these things don't come to be. I will love you even if we must go on with our lives separately. As we fall in love with other people, I know in my heart that I will not have loved anyone as much as I love you.
You are and always will be my best friend. You are my truth.Love,
Scully
Mulder let go of the papers and watched as they fell to the floor. He could not stop his sobbing. It wasn't that he didn't know she loved him. Their relationship has developed slowly but they did finally get together once they left the X-Files. It made him angry to know now how many years had been wasted. How much time had been lost to their work. At the time work always had been so important to him. Now, he wished he could have back just one of those days, minutes. To have anything but this emptiness. Dana's death left a void in his life. A void only filled with the love he knew she had for him.
"Fox." It was Scully's mother, Maggie.
Mulder quickly tired to cover his face which was undoubtedly wet and red from crying. He wiped his face on the sleeve of his black dinner jacket.
"No, don't do that. You need to cry Fox."
"I don't know how I am going to do this without her."
"You will. You have to."
"I know. I have the kids to think about. Katherine, oh god, she looks so much like her. I know she will be okay but how do I explain this to her."
"You tell her the truth. It is what you do Fox. It is why Dana loved you so much."
"How will she be able to understand that her mother died giving birth to her baby brother?"
"Maybe she won't understand it now Fox, but she will someday. You just make sure those kids know what a great mom they had. Tell them every day how much she loved them. How much she loved their father. You are a good man Fox. I always believed that. I still believe it. You will make her proud you know. "
"I hope you're right."
"You know I'm right. A mother is never wrong about these things." Maggie Scully smiled at him and leaned into to hug her son-in-law. She was always there when he needed to talk about Dana. Even back when everyone else knew they belonged together but Dana and Fox. Maggie rose from the bed and turned back towards Mulder.
"Fox?"
"Yeah?"
"You never mentioned what you decided his name was going to be?"
"Kevin William Mulder. Scully picked it out for him before...before we went to the hospital."
Maggie Scully smiled. "It's a strong name. He's going to be just like his dad."
"Thanks Maggie. That means a lot to me." Maggie walked quietly into the living room to talk to the other guests. Mulder peered around the corner and knew that they were asking about him. "There will be time for that later", he thought to himself, "right now I have someone who needs me."
Mulder rose from the bed and walked into the nursery just off to the side of the master bedroom. He looked down into the crib to see his son sleeping soundly. He prayed that he could make his son proud of him. To make his mother proud of his father. He knew she would be watching over them.
Mulder went to his desk and removed some paper and a pen from the top drawer. He picked up the photo of him and Dana from Katherine's last birthday party. She looked so beautiful that day. She had just told him that she was pregnant again that afternoon but they hadn't told anyone yet. They wanted Kat to have her special day. He rather liked having that secret to himself for awhile. Though, he had the wrath of Maggie to deal with later. The apple never did fall far from the tree. Kat also exhibited the female temper known on the Scully's side of the family. He smiled at the thought of Kat growing up to be like her mother.
He ran his finger across her cheek and then placed photo on the table next to the rocking chair. He sat down in the rocking chair and began to write.Dear Kevin,
I want to tell you about the best woman I ever met. I want to tell you about your mother....
THE END
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Just the way that we are tied in
There's no one home
I Grieve
For you
You Leave
Me
So hard to move on
Still lovin' what's gone
Say life carries on
Carries on and on...and on...and on.
The news that truly shocks
Is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
This empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I Grieve
For You
You Leave
Me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Say life carries on
Say life carries on...and on...and on........
-Peter Gabriel, "I Grieve"
Send all comments to Starbuck. Or use the fanfiction.net review box seen below.