It started with flowers.
They arrived outside Lavellan's door with a note. She threw them off her balcony.
Cullen knocked next. "Please, just let me in…."
She ignored him, and buried her head deeper into her pillows. He did not stop for several hours.
She cried herself to sleep the first night, and Solas found her in the fade.
"I am sorry for your loss," he told her.
"No, you're not," she accused. She hated his untrustworthy, bald face, more now than ever. "You couldn't care less what happens to the Dalish."
False sympathy was worse than the flowers.
Leliana came the next morning. "Inquisitor! Please, just talk to us." There were murmurs beyond the door and she continued. "Cullen is with me. He brought you breakfast. You should eat something."
She ignored them, too.
Cassandra banged on the door that afternoon. "Inquisitor!" she called. "Open the door! I will not leave until you do!"
Lavellan climbed out of her bed for the first time in two days to let Cassandra in. "What do you want?" she muttered.
Cassandra's dark eyes were filled with sympathy. "I am here for you," she said. "I will take over your duties until you are feeling up to it again."
The Inquisitor's eyes filled with tears and she threw her arms around Cassandra, the other woman grunted in surprize. "Thank you," she whispered.
"I know what it is to lose your family," Cassandra replied. "You don't need to thank me."
As Cassandra left she added, "You might consider speaking with Cullen, he's been pacing the great hall outside your room for two days now."
Lavellan nodded.
Dorian arrived that evening with two servants, one held a massive tray of food, the other two bottles of wine. He, unlike the others, did not wait for her to invite him in. He simply marched in with the servants, told them where to place the food and stood there watching her after they left.
"Cullen is beginning to turn rather hostile to anyone who visits you, you know. Barked at me that you didn't want to be disturbed." Dorian shook his head with a sigh, pouring an alarmingly large glass of wine, and then holding out the rest of the bottle to Lavellan.
She took it gratefully, and drank. "I don't know Dalish tradition, but I also don't know many people who turn down a good drink and a good meal," he continued. "You should eat. I bullied the chef into making you something halfway appetizing."
Lavellan slowly climbed out of her bed and moved over to where the food was sitting on the table by her couch. An impressive looking salad, a delicious smelling stew, an assortment of fruit and a small roast awaited her. She sat down and began to pick at the salad, slowly. Favouring the bottle of wine.
Dorian sat beside her. "Tell me about them," he said softly.
The Inquisitor's throat tightened. "I should never have left," she replied harshly. "I should have stayed with them. I could have saved them!"
"You'll save many more by being here," Dorian replied.
"I don't care about anyone else," she sobbed. Dorian wrapped an arm around her and let her cry.
Cole came in the middle of the night. Lavellan and Dorian had both drank themselves to sleep on the couch, but Lavellan woke from a nightmare in the fade. Demons taunting her with the spirits of her clan.
"They're lying," Cole told her. She jumped up at the sound of his voice, coming from the darkness. The fire had burned out hours ago. Cole continued urgently, "The demons in your dreams, I felt your distress. They lied to you. You couldn't have saved your clan."
"You don't know what you're talking about, Cole, just go…" Lavellan said tiredly.
"Smoke, smothering, sweltering. The clan will not survive this riot. The Shemlen will kill us all…Thank the Creators Avery is not with us."
"Was that…Cole, was that Keeper Deshanna?"
Cole nodded. His blue eyes were very round beneath his hat. "She loved you. As they died, she was proud you were doing something more for the Dalish."
Lavellan's eyes filled with tears. "Please go, Cole…"
"Did I help?" he asked worriedly.
She nodded.
The next morning when Dorian left her room, Lavellan told him to send Cullen up to see her. Cullen said nothing, but wrapped his arms around her immediately. She had not realized until he held her how much she had needed him.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered into her neck.
"I made the decision. I got them killed," she replied, her voice cracking.
His arms tightened. "No," he argued. "Don't say that. They wouldn't blame you. Blame me. It was my plan."
"I was their first, Cullen," Lavellan said. "It was supposed to be my job one day to guide and protect the clan. The first decision I made…they all died…"
Cullen pulled back to look her in the eyes, stroking her face gently. "There was nothing you could have done. You make decisions every day that save lives. You lead our Inquisition and without you, so many others would have lost their families."
"Maybe I don't care about them," Lavellan repeated her earlier sentiment.
"You saved me, as well," Cullen told her. "Every day you inspire me."
He kissed her forehead and Lavellan curled against him. "I guess I care about that," she whispered.
"I had hoped you might," he admitted. "As for your clan, I'm here for you. Whatever you need."
"Just stay with me awhile."
"Until my last breath."