This will be re-categorized once Hey, Shipwreck! is added.

Disclaimer:

Ah! My Goddess does not belong to me. Hey, Shipwreck! likewise does not belong to me.

Notes: This fic is not for everyone. Many people may find this boring or confusing, because the situation depicted means nothing to them. But for a certain group, I think this will be pretty funny. This came to me mostly in a dream, and was an amusing short that came to me here at my last day at the Academy before summer training. It's short and sweet. Warning: contains fairly strong language.

Regards, TaskForce

0035 HOURS

USS Sea Monkey (SSBN-744)

Ohio-class submarine

Currently moored at Fleet Activities Yokosuka, Japan

888

"You have got to be kidding me," Petty Officer Keane muttered. "Midwatch again? Why, God, why?" He turned to his partner. "And with you of all people…"

Petty Officer Finney threw him a bemused look. "If you want, I can go back to roving…" He saluted sharply. "POOD, rover! All conditions normal, topside and on the pier! Departing to make tour—"

"Oh, shut the hell up," Keane sulked. "My coveralls still smell like rotten eggs from this morning."

"Yeah, mine too," Finney replied. "Funny how that works, considering they were covered in those dastardly missiles this morning."

"I hate Japan." Keane was silent for a moment. "Wait, I take that back. I hate Japan and the Navy. Whose bright idea was it to send a nuke boat into Yokosuka? Ever heard of something called Article Nine of the Japanese Constitution? The Kobe principles?" He shook his head. "No! Let's just sail in, in a goddamned ballistic missile submarine—'the U.S. government cannot confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons onboard such vessel'. Yeah, my ass."

"Do you ever stop complaining? It was just a few eggs, after all."

"No! Not only have we been locked up in that tube for a month, but now because of the controversy we can't even leave!"

"I thought you hated Japan," Finney pointed out.

Keane stared at him for a minute. "Fuck you."

Neither spoke for several minutes. Finally Keane turned to the rover. "By the way, what was that shit I saw you buying at the NEX?"

Finney looked away evasively, recognizing dangerous territory. "Oh, nothin' much. Just some reading material, you know, long cruise and all that."

"It had better not have been that comic book crap or whatever they call it over here that all the nukes read when they're not playing World of Warcraft."

A machinist mate popped his head out of the forward hatch. "It's called manga, you fucking cone! And it's not crap either."

"World of Warcraft sucks!" Keane thundered. "Get your nuke ass back into the reactor compartment where it belongs before I boot you onto the pier!"

"It does not!" The machinist mate gave then a withering parting glare before disappearing back down the hatch.

Keane nodded in satisfaction. He turned to Finney. "That's how you deal with those gophers. Just shove them back down heir holes." He shook his head. "Shoulda tasered him."

"Why didn't you?"

"Two words—Chief Seil." His face contorted in an impression of his supervisor. "Yuh understand me, Petty Off'sa Keane, that dis is a ser'ous breach, a ser'ous breach of Naval Reg'lations. Accordin' tuh COMNAVTRAPACFLTADVREG One Seven Three Tack Eight Decimal Nine Nine Zero use of less-lethal energy weapons by sentries is prohibited unless use of deadly force has been validated by COMBURWEPSPACFLTINST Six Three One Tack Five."

"Hey, that was pretty good!" Finney smiled.

"Wuh was dat?" A voice from behind them asked, followed by a sipping sound.

The two watchstanders exchanged glances. "Awww, fuck," Keane moaned under his breath.

They spun around and faced the khaki-clothed, coffee-cup-toting Chief.

"Eh, it was nothing, nothing at all." Finney gave his most winning smile. "All conditions normal, topside and on the pier, Chief."

Chief Seil looked them over. "Finney, ain't you the rover? Why the hell are you here shooting the shit with Keane?"

Keane thought as loudly as he could, because it's fucking 0100 in the morning and nothing's going on. There's no point in having a rover because no one will actually try to do anything and if something does happen and we're separated then we can be jumped individually. But NOOO, the Navy doesn't actually want to see reason and were stuck here on a retarded-"

Finney was a little more diplomatic. "Well, Chief, I was just checking in with the POOD following one of my rounds."

"Uh-huh." Seil rolled his eyes. "So it was just chance, then, that I come up here at the exact time that you finish your round and check in with the POOD. Right." He folded his arms across his chest. "I would expect that given the fracas this morning you would be a little more vigilant. Security is everybody's business." He took another sip of his coffee. "It would be in your best interest to get back to roving, Finney."

"Aye, Chief." The petty officer turned and began to march forward along the Sea Monkey's hull.

Seil turned back to Keane. "Yuh see how I handled that? That's why I'm a Chief." He turned and went below.

Five minutes later…

"I swear, this watch goes on forever," Keane remarked to Finney.

The rover shrugged. "If you keep on thinking about it, this watch is never going to end."

"How much longer to turnover?"

"Shut up about it."

"Okay." Keane sighed. "Anyways, what was that 'reading material' you bought?"

"Well, its…" Finney gave up. "Yeah, it's that comic book stuff. Pretty popular over here."

Keane raised an eyebrow. "Please tell me you're joking."

"Hey, it's not all that bad," Finney protested. "It even has us in it!"

"I can't believe this." The POOD shook his head. "Last week you tell me that Twilight was actually worth watching. I should have known at that point that something was up." He clapped a hand on Finney's shoulder. "You, my friend, are officially gay."

"Fuck you," Finney replied crossly. "It had the Sea Monkey in it, I wanted to see what the local perception of the U.S. Navy was."

Keane indicated the egg stains on his uniform. "Wasn't that clear enough from this morning?"

Finney didn't reply.

"So how do they view us, then, expert?"

Finney thought for a moment. "Well, the captain was portrayed an asshat."

"Sounds accurate enough. Why don't you let me take a look?"

Finney opened a pocket and fished out a copy of the manga. "Remember, its backwards."

"Gotcha." Keane flipped it open. "Fuckin' Thai porn, that's what it looks like to me." He looked up. "You really read this shit?"

"A little." Finney turned through the pages until a submarine appeared. "Take a look."

Keane's eyes scanned the page. "Hmmm." He shook his head. "It looks like whoever wrote this saw Hunt for Red October and thought he knew about submarines. I mean, what the hell do they think they're doing? No standard commands, total lack of procedure, this list is endless..." he handed the book back to Finney. "What was even happening? I don't know how to read those little bubble thingys or whatever they are."

Finney explained.

Keane looked at him as if he was crazy. "So a giant wolf, that apparently can swim hundreds of feet beneath the ocean without needing to breathe, was summoned by this chick who's bad but is really good, and he's going to destroy the world. His first act is to dive underwater an attack the first U.S. submarine he spots, which apparently has an aft-firing torpedo tube-something that we haven't had on subs since the second world war. After unsuccessfully attacking, he simply goes away, leaving the Americans cursing their unknown Russian attacker."

Keane paused to let that sink in. "That is absolutely, utterly fucking retarded. That's as bad as, no its worse than Twilight! Way worse! God! What else is wrong with it?"

Finney gave him a rundown on the general plot.

"Hey, the premise is pretty good," the rover insisted. "I mean, the guy got to choose whatever wish he wanted." Finney whistled softly. "I wish I was that lucky." He turned to Keane. "What would you wish for, Keane. If you could have anything. Anything at all?"

"Right now?" Keane thought for a moment. "I'd wish I was back in my rack, this instant, sleeping."

An angelic voice from behind them spoke. "Wish granted."

888

Keane was smiling in his sleep as Finney shook him awake. The petty officer finally cracked open his eyes.

"What the hell…" he moaned sleepily. "What's your problem, shipwreck?"

"Keane, get your ass out of the rack!" Finney said furiously. "We've got to relieve the watch now. You've got midwatch tonight, and we're going to be late!"

Keane shook his head. "What a fucked-up dream…"