By Kay (AKA: Sp00kyfile)
Disclaimer: I don't own the Animorphs, or anything to do with them. I'm making no money off of this fanfic. Please, oh please, don't sue me. Thank you. :)
Notes: It's mostly about Ax and Tobias... Character death... Sappy- just something I whipped up in study hall. NOT related to my other fics. :) Enjoy!
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I can still remember that day. The day something was taken away from me forever. It was a nice day, with nice, warm thermals. The kind of day things seem perfect. How was I to know the pain that awaited me?
I stood in the middle of the ruins of the wrecked building, scanning the rubble and fallen beams silently. No one had bothered to look for a body among the wreckage. Even if they had, they wouldn't have found anything. The whole building had sunk into the Yeerk Pool below. It would have taken years just to clear the surface, much less the hell beneath it.
"Tobias?"
I didn't bother to turn, since the voice was a familiar one I recognized easily. "Hey, Rachel."
She quietly put a hand on my shoulder, and looked over the area of memerable pain and hate. I looked at her face, and smiled slightly. She was beautiful, out here in the sun especially. Her hair was shining brightly, and her blue eyes were alive and well. Even the pain in them couldn't block out her radience and spirit.
We stood in silence over the old battle-worn ground, trying not to speak or move for fear we might disturb the respective stillness. The pain was as sharp as ever. I lived for that pain sometimes. Sometimes I feared it.
"I'm sorry, Tobias," Rachel said softly, in a surprisingly compassionate tone. Her shimmering, blue eyes looked into mine sadly. "I know you guys were close."
"Yeah..." I said, my voice shaking slightly. I cleared my throat and ducked my head to hide the incoming tears that I didn't want Rachel to see. I still couldn't talk about it without losing control of my emotions. "My best friend- you know that. He still is." She squeezed my hand, encouragingly, so after a hesitation, I continued. "I thought it was my fault- I STILL think it's my fault. I could have... I don't know! I could have done something, though- anything. I just..." I looked at Rachel in anguish. "I can't believe he's gone forever."
She hesitated, and hugged me, which is a rarity in itself. Rachel was never a hug person. But she held me, and I let her hold me. "Don't blame yourself for things you can't stop, Tobias. He wouldn't have wanted you too. He would have wanted you to get out, to live your life, and not stop because his has ended." She stroked my hair. "He doesn't blame you, so don't blame yourself."
I leaned on her, and whispered, "I can still remember him perfectly. Everything we ever did together, I have etched in my mind, as clear as if it were yesterday. It sucks- it hurts to remember- hurts to forget too, though."
She looked at me intently. "Then don't forget him, Tobias. Just let go, but not forget."
"Easier said than done."
"In time," she said, "I think you'll let it go. It wasn't your fault, you did what you had to do, and so did Ax. That was war. You did your part, he did his."
"I hate the war. It may have brought me an uncle and a friend," I said flately, "But I lost them too." "Love the warrior, hate the war," Rachel said, smiling. When I looked at her in surprise, she said, "Jake told me that once. He said Ax told him that Elfangor used to say it."
I smiled, a smile of pure exhaustion. "It's right."
Rachel hugged me, just once again. "I miss him too. We all do. I guess we never realized how much we did care for him until he was gone..." She swallowed. "Tobias, even if... even if he's dead, and never coming back, at least he's safe. He's happy wherever he is, I bet."
I hugged her back. She was right. He wouldn't have wanted me to blame myself. In fact... I smiled. He would have done the same thing- blamed himself if anything happened to me, too. We were alike in that area. It comforted me to know we shared that trait, as dumb as it sounds.
Ax wouldn't come back, but maybe, one day, I'd be able to let go and forget. Until then, I was left with painful memories. But maybe someday I'd be able to completely move on.
Rachel left, leaving me with my thoughts. I bent down, and touched teh hard ground, adn was shocked to see grass growing there. It was obviously new, but there it was. Growing up through the cold, trashed soil. A new life. Could I push up through my pain too? Begin a new life?
Maybe. Yes.
I looked up at the sky. It was a bright, beautiful day. Perfect thermals.
It was a gift, all of it. It hurt to know Ax might never see the way our wolrd was changing and growing. He'd never fly again, or feel the soft, warm rays of the sun, or run through the deep woods.
Maybe he could see it though.
I stood. And I remembered.
"We did a lot tother, didn't we?" I asked quietly to the wind. "Thanks. I owe you a lot, you know. We all do. Thanks... for more than helping us win the war." As if answering me, the wind rustled a near-by tree. I continued, feeling the need to give one last goodbye. "We won, Ax-man. We won."
Silently, I waved goodbye, even though there was no one to wave to. The sun shined down harder, and it was like a sign to me. I had to let go, yeah. It's true. But I couldn't forget the memories. The bound me, and tied me. They were the only thing I had left, and I intended to use them. I demorphed into my hawk form for the last time. After that, I'd trap myself as human. The war was over- no need to stay.
I flew. Flew higher than I ever had, and felt the wind on my feathers. Flew until I thought I could reach the sun. Even higher. Flew till my wings ached, and my bones were worn out. I flew, and I remembered, and laughed, and cried. All in all, I just flew.
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Tobias flew, not looking around, or paying attension.
Maybe if he had, he'd have seen a strangely beautiful, human boy smiling up at him from the tree line of the woods.
The next moment, without reason or understanding, he disappeared.
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THE END