"You're kidding me, I mean you can't actually believe that Zelda!" Link stared wide-eyed at the Princess that was supposed to possess the Triforce of Wisdom, well at least some of the time.
"No Link it's true, I thought everyone in Hyrule knew that. Everyone I know grew up hearing that story from their parents so how could you not know?!" Zelda stared at Link with her hands on her hips mouth twisted into a frown.
Link scowled back at her as he crossed his arms over his chest, "Well maybe that explains it. Have you ever even heard of my parents let alone seen them, cause I know I haven't."
Zelda wasn't about to let him guilt her into backing down with that one. "Well then I guess it's about time someone told you."
Link tightened his arms around his chest, glaring hard at her as he did so, but he didn't say anything else, allowing Zelda to continue.
"The night of Kooloo-limpha Eve, Saint Tingle flies his magical red balloon across Hyrule leaving maps for all the good boys and girls of the land. Those maps will lead them to what they desire most." For a moment Zelda got a dreamy look in her eyes as she clasped her hands in front of her. Link could even swear he saw a bit of drool slip from her lips. She didn't come back to reality until Link cleared his throat.
With a shake of her head Zelda continued on with her story. "When you wake up on Kooloo-limpha Day you follow the map and you find something you've always wanted waiting there for you. He and his Tingle Brothers work all year on their maps."
Link looked incredulous at her words as he tried to form even one question for the preposterous story. Unfortunately the only word that would come out of his mouth was, "Why?"
Zelda's brow furrowed at this urging him to expand on his question. "Why the maps? Why that day? Just why?" Link shook his head not at all understanding anything about the supposed holiday.
As soon as she realized what he meant Zelda smiled so brightly it nearly blinded the Hero. "Well that's easy it celebrates the day the Three Golden Goddesses finished their labors and left our world. As you know the point in which they left Hyrule was marked by the Triforce pointing in the direction of their departure. It was showing us the way to our Goddesses and gifting us with the protection of the Triforce. So to honor that we celebrate with the maps that point us in a direction towards a special gift. Saint Tingle's maps are famous, but really anyone can make a map for someone they care about like the Goddesses cared about us. Isn't it such a wonderful tradition?"
Link stared at her opening is mouth and closing it much like a fish would. He seemed to be at a loss for words giving Zelda the opportunity to start pushing him towards the door talking in a chipper voice the whole while. "Well now that you know I'm sure you'll want to get busy finding that special gift for that special someone and then creating a map for them, right? I'll tell you what I'll do; I'll let you out of your Hero duties for the rest of the day so you can get ready."
As he was being pushed out the door Link thought of another question. "Wait if it's a day to celebrate the Three Goddesses then why is it called Kooloo-limpha Day?"
That made the Princess pause for a moment as she tilted her head at the question before she shook herself out of her thoughts. "I don't know I've never had a chance to ask, but it doesn't matter. You still need to get your map and present ready for whomever is most important to you."
With one final heave from Zelda, Link was sent sprawling down the steps of the castle. The doors were already closing even as he turned to look up at Zelda in disbelief, but she wasn't there to see his face.
Sighing Link rose to his feet and dusted himself off before wandering into town thinking on his earlier conversation. He debated on just who he would want to buy a gift for; it was almost more difficult than deciding which apple to buy. Finally he decided on exactly who he wanted to give a gift to, after all she truly deserved something special.
With his purchases made Link quickly rode home, fixed himself a light supper, and promptly fell asleep. At first he had had half a mind to stay up to meet this Saint Tingle character, but his bed looked just too inviting. It was many hours later that he blearily woke to quite a commotion outside his door. Grumbling he ignored his shirt as he gave the door a harsher tug than necessary to open it. What he saw, once his eyes adjusted to the morning light, woke him up immediately.
There standing outside his door, entirely covering his lawn, seemed to be every person he had ever met. There were both friends and foes alike, as well as some that fell somewhere in-between. This was just too much! He could see Ganondorf, Zelda, Ruto, Ghirahim, Vaati, Marin, Vernan, Demise, Zant, and so many many more. The constant murmur of voices that had awoken him died almost as soon as he had stepped out of his door.
"Wha…" Link wasn't able to form a full word let alone a full sentence at the sight of so many people.
Zelda, always first to take the lead, spoke up immediately. "Good morning Link, Happy Kooloo-limpha Day!"
Her voice seemed to break Link out of his dumb state. "What in the world Zelda! What are all these people doing on my lawn? Better yet, how are some of them even here!"
It was Ganondorf who spoke this time though, "I would think that would be obvious even to you Hero. It is Kooloo-limpha Day and we were all given maps that lead us to what we most desire. Suffice it to say, that is you Hero." Ganondorf crossed his large arms over his chest as he glared at the shirtless blonde young man.
Link squeaked as he shied back from the large man. "Y-y-you what! You desire me!"
Ganondorf snorted through is nose while rolling his eyes, "Don't get any ideas Hero. My only desire with you is to meet you in battle and finish you. I cannot speak for the rest of these simpletons, though."
These words did not help Link in the slightest. In fact he shrunk even farther back as he looked among the crowd and saw Ghirahim's infamous tongue snake at the sight of his bare torso, while Midna's orange hair hand waved at him. "B-b-but I can't fight all of you, and some of you aren't even my enemies," he tried in a weak voice praying that's what they were all here for.
"Well of course not Link. Some of us are just tired of waiting for you to make a move already. You know you probably could have avoided most of this if you bothered to tell us which of us you prefer." Zelda's voice was haughty as she brushed some imaginary dirt from her skirt.
"Prefer?!" Link's eyes were impossibly wide as he stared across the lawn to the large number of girls feeling a spike of fear run down his spine.
"Duh Link, why do you think I was pushing you so hard to pick out a gift for someone special? Then you can give it to me and the rest of these idiots will finally accept you're mine." Zelda's shout seemed to insight a fair amount of jealousy amongst many of the girls.
Link squeaked again as his eyes darted nervously to the side of his house. Luckily the girls didn't seem to notice his eyes' movements as they were now in a shouting match for his preference. The argument escalated to slight hair pulling before they managed to get a hold of themselves.
Turning back to Link with her dress now torn and disheveled Zelda pierced him with a steely glare.
"Well Link who's it going to be? Who did you buy a gift for?" The Princess demanded while several of the girls made noises of affirmation to her questions.
"Uuhhh…," Link trailed off again glancing to the side of his home.
Fed up with the Hero's stalling someone let out a shout from the crowd, "Well," as the crowd seemed to surge forward slightly.
Link jumped back in fright for what they might do to him if he didn't answer, "I-I bought Epona some carrots, okay!"
The grounds quieted as a tangible tension built among at least half of the people gathered there, while the other half seemed to be holding back laughter.
"You…you bought carrots for your nag?!" Zelda said the words through clenched teeth as her fists balled at her sides.
Link straightened up at those words while his eyes became hard as stone, "Don't you dare call her a nag! Epona is the only one that's nearly always there for me. She's carried me all over the place to either rescue or fight most of you. Even as a bird she was the most loyal companion I've ever had, and never once has she abandoned me. No one else can claim that. She deserved my thanks more than anyone else."
Everyone stared at him for a moment, then as if on autopilot Zelda turned to the group. "Alright everyone since he refuses to choose I say it's time we take matters into our own hands. I think the best way is to draw numbers to see who gets him first. Then we'll…"
"I hope you're including us in that Princess," Ganondorf growled out raising his sword slightly as he interrupted her.
Zelda turned to him with a scowl twisting her pink lips again resting her fists on her hips. "Why would I? You and some of those other fools just want to kill him. There'll be nothing left of him afterwards."
Ganondorf met her scowl with one of his own, made all the more imposing by his large jagged sword. "Please don't assume I am such a fool as these other clowns. Do you really think there will be anything left of him after that fish girl gets done with him?"
As he said this The Dark King pointed his sword towards Ruto who was applying fish balm to her lips while muttering to herself. "Should we be married in the lake temple or inside Lord Jabu-Jabu? The bari are quite beautiful this time of year after all."
Zelda shuddered but didn't falter in her argument. "Well what about that leotard diamond loving thing you have?!"
Ganondorf raised an eyebrow at that, confusion crossing his features for once. "I thought he was playing for your team?"
"I play for my own team darlings," Ghirahim answered the pair while inspecting one of his gloved hands lovingly.
Looking slightly ill both Ganondorf and Zelda turned back to each other in order to start debating how the Hero would be divided up.
Link was watching all this in horror. Really none of the temples he had ever faced in any land were nearly as terrifying as the prospect of having to deal with even one of these people. This was exactly why he always chose to build his homes a bit away from the main village, and in a tree if he could. There were far too many crazy people in Hyrule, but oddly enough most of them didn't seem to be able to climb ladders or stairs. Instead they usually resorted to shouting at him, which was fine by him.
While the Princess and Ganondorf were still arguing he began looking around desperately for a way to escape his current predicament. Epona was standing faithfully beside his home; he was sure he could jump from his porch, and ride her out if it weren't for the large crowd. Epona was a good and strong horse, but not even she would be able to get through all those people. Plus Ilia or Malon would probably be able to stop her.
Gulping as he heard some of the things planned for him he willed himself to focus and think of something…anything! It was in that moment he heard the words he'd been dreading, "Agreed."
Fear gripped the young Hero, but before it could root him to the spot he spied the key to his salvation. There hanging just to his left on a hook was a rolled up piece of parchment that he recognized without even having to think.
Quicker than a spinning flame dancer he grabbed the map, read it, and leapt off his porch rolling as he landed. As soon as he was on his feet again he sprinted forward trying to reach the 'X' on his map before anyone caught him. There was a lot of shouting from people trying to stop him, and at one point he thought Owlan and Onyx were going to grab him. At last though, he broke free of the main throng of people. He felt a slight bit of vindictive pride since the only one capable of out running him now was the Postman. Really that never made sense to him, but he'd learned not to question things like that.
A wide grin crossed his face as he saw a glittering green gem lying atop the rock that was his goal. Usually that spell only worked in dungeons, but maybe just this once… In a second he took the gem and had the movement for the spell completed just as the mob reached him. In a swirl of glittering green light he disappeared going who knows where, but at least it was away from those obsessed freaks.
As his body reformed Link breathed a sigh of relief that all he saw was the vast ocean before him and a white sandy beach. He was safe, far from the land of legends and its crazy inhabitants. Smiling he turned to explore the area, only to almost immediately trip over something short. When he'd pulled his head out of the sand Link felt his jaw fall open. There standing before him were several short little men dressed in identical outfits of varying colors.
"Oh joy! We have another fairy helper on our happy island of Tingle! What a wonderfully Kooloo-limpha day this is!" It was a little man in green that spoke; oddly his outfit was similar to Link's, but somehow looking more ridiculous than heroic.
"What…Where am I? What's going on," Link stammered out while the little men danced around him throwing glitter all over him.
"Why you're one of the few lucky people who wished for true peace and happiness. There isn't a happier more peaceful place than Tingle's Island where we make maps and work on the Tingle Tower in hopes of calling the fairies to us. No one can get on or off the island except on Kooloo-limpha Day when we're allowed to deliver the maps. Every year we hope for either more helpers or some fairies to come to us, and this year one of our wishes has come true. We'll spend the rest of the year together making maps, calling fairies, and being happy!"
The men pushed Link towards the tower that dominated the middle of the island as they sang shrill carols happily.
"No! No please Goddesses NOOOOOO!" Link tried to scream but it was only the Tingle men that heard him as he was drug away.
A/N: Hey everyone, as the summary said this was just a short crack fic that isn't serious by any stretch of the imagination. I wanted to have this up earlier in time for many of the holidays, but I've been busy. Mainly visiting family half way across the country and getting engaged so yeah busy. I'm hoping to have another story up soon. When I get back home I'll be working on my other stories like His Choice and The Offer. That being said I'll be changing up the poll on my page for The Offer so watch for that. I'll also be announcing Sheik's gender on my page soon so head out if you're waiting on The Offer and curious. Hope you enjoy this and no flames for the ridiculousness of this please, I know it's silly. :)
Later everyone.