*Authors Note: A Axel and Roxas story that hit me as I listened to Come Wake Me Up By Rascal Flatts. Listen to it and tell me what you think!*
Axel wandered through every room of his house with a bottle of jack clenched tightly in his fist. Every once in a while he would stop to take a heavy swig then he would return to his meandering.
This ritual seemed to be happening more and more often as of late, every night he would walk through the house drinking trying to drink a certain blond from his mind. Usually it worked quite well, he would become so drunk that he would just pass out into empty blackness and when he would awaken the ritual would just begin again. The only time it would change was when he would go to the store to get more booze and the occasional pack of smokes. Sure he ate from time to time but the majority of his diet was of the liquid persuasion as of late.
His friends had stopped trying to get him to answer the door a long time ago, sure they tried like good friends to bring him out of his funk but the only problem was that he didn't want to be brought out of it. Everything that had happened was his fault and he had to live with that. He didn't want sympathy or condolences; he wanted to be left alone. Eventually his friends stopped calling and coming by.
Axel didn't blame them, in fact he was relieved. He deserved this and having them there trying to convince him that his life wasn't over was an annoyance.
He let out a bark of laughter at that thought. Of course his life was over. He had screwed up the one part of his life that was worth anything, he had driven Roxas away.
That was why the drinking had started. Without Roxas he didn't want to think anymore, he didn't want to feel. The alcohol numbed him if he drank enough, which was exactly what he wanted. He took another swig and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. By this time he had reached the bedroom, and he winced as he looked around the room. This room in particular always reminded him of Roxas. Many things had happened between the two of them in this room, both good and bad.
In a moment of anger he punched the wall next to him. The force of the impact jarred the closet door a few feet away causing the door to creak open slightly. With a growl of annoyance Axel swiftly closed the distance between him and the closet with the intent to slam the offending door closed when the light over his shoulder caused something to catch his bright green eyes. He reached out and picked up a shirt, but this was not just any shirt. No this shirt was Roxas.
'It must have fallen in here when he was grabbing all his stuff.' Axel thought as he held the fabric in his hand.
Axel closed his eyes tightly at the onslaught of memories that rushed through him. Most of them where just flashes jumping from one thing to the next due to his jumbled intoxicated brain. Roxas laughing.
Roxas smiling.
The face he made when he was annoyed.
The face he made when he was so close to release as Axel pounded into him.
"Axel."
Axel's eyes shot open at the sound of his name. Spinning around quickly he looked around behind him but to his surprise there was no one there. He could have sworn he heard Roxas say his name, but that couldn't be.
'No.' Axel thought with a shake of his head. 'There's no way, you pushed him away, and made him leave remember?'
With that he took another long chug of the bottle then staggered from the room into the living room, the shirt still clutched in his fist. Trying to push Roxas out of his heart was proving to be more of a difficult task then he thought, but that was ok he really didn't want to in the first place. He was like a fire that sunk into his veins and would never extinguish. With the thought of fire Axel came to the conclusion that he could really use a cigarette. Looking around he spotted his pack on the coffee table he picked it up, pulled one out and set it to his lips. He then picked up his lighter that was next to the pack and lit the cigarette. He took a long deep drag then exhaled with a sigh.
"Axel." He heard again this time just a whisper.
He clenched his jaw tightly almost biting off the butt of the cigarette in the process. He quickly strode over to the TV and turned it on. He flipped through the channels until he found something slightly tolerable. He wasn't really going to watch it but just having some kind of noise was better than phantom voices of loves lost. Once again satisfied he resumed his walking, drinking, and smoking.
Eventually after a few hours he slumped down on the couch too tired to keep up his meandering. He noticed the shirt again on the floor next to him where he must have dropped it even though he really didn't remember doing so. With a shaky hand he reached down and picked it up bringing it to his face. The fabric was soft and the shirt still smelled like Roxas. This of course brought on a whole new rush of memories tearing at him like a knife re opening an old wound that always made the pain feel new.
Roxas in his arms.
Roxas sleeping.
The fight that made him leave...
That last one made him flinch. He said some horrible things that night, things that he knew inside he didn't mean. He was just so angry, Roxas was too of course and he said some equally hateful things. Axel couldn't even truly remember what had started the fight, what they were even mad about. They fought about everything that night, about what they were, about what they said, about what Axel could and what he couldn't do. It was like an erupting volcano. In the end Roxas had grabbed his things told Axel it was over and left.
A drop of liquid hitting his hand brought Axel out of his thoughts. He looked at his hand curiously before he realized that he was crying. Silent tears were flowing down his face and he didn't even remember beginning to cry.
"Axel." He heard in his ear from behind him.
Grabbing the television remote he turned up the volume almost to maximum level to drown out the sound of Roxas's voice. He didn't want to hear it anymore. He was gone and never coming back, why did he have to keep hearing him when he wasn't here?
Oh how he wished he was though. He would give anything if Roxas would just fall back in love with him; fall back into his arms, hell just fall for him again. He could see it now, Roxas showing up at the door and clinging to Axel telling him he loved him again. Axel almost wished he could just all of a sudden wake up and find that this whole thing had just been a bad dream. Roxas would wake him up and tell him it was just a dream then Axle would hold him tight and tell him he loved him.
Axle scoffed again knowing that those were stupid hopes, he was awake, not dreaming. Roxas was not going to come back to him. Grabbing his cigarettes again he realized he was down to his last one. He removed it and let the empty pack fall back onto the table. He lit it and sat there tears still flowing as he smoked.
He never really deserved Roxas. No Roxas deserved so much better than Axel. Hell he had probably already moved on not giving Axel a second thought. He was probably asleep right now in the arms of the one he deserved not even dreaming about what they used to have.
Axle shook his head he needed to give him up and move one himself be he could never. Roxas was what made him whole, what made him feel alive.
"Axel." There was Roxas's voice again.
The voice both infuriated him and made his heart twinge. He was completely out of ideas now on how to forget. The pain was worse than ever, time was not healing shit. He couldn't take the pain anymore.
His eyes fell once again to the now empty pack of cigarettes on the table and his lighter. Picking up the lighter Axel pushed down on the wheel lighting it and stared at the flame that sparked to life. He moved the lever on the lighter to heighten the flame as he continued to stare. He then picked up the empty pack and held it above the flame. Soon the cardboard caught and the package began to burn. Axel slowly stood and with a morbid smirk, he tossed the flaming package into a pile of empty liquor bottles in the kitchen.
The flames quickly ignited the small remnants of liquor that remained in each bottle causing a roaring fire to roar into life. Axel walked to the middle of the living room and stood with Roxas's shirt in his hands again. The fire spread quickly through the rooms surrounding Axel in a ring of flames.
"Axel!" Roxas's voice yelled this time in his head.
'Go figure, even this won't make his voice go away.' Axel though.
He coughed harshly as the smoke began to get to him. Bringing the shirt to his face he inhaled Roxas's sent one last time as he fell to his knees.
"I'm sorry." He whispered knowing full well that Roxas couldn't hear him but he needed to say it. He could before so he sure as hell had to now.
His eyes burned forcing more tears down his face, the smoke was making it harder to breath, but that was what he deserved. A broken version of his trademark smirk played across his lips before he collapsed to the floor into unconsciousness, the flames continuing to burn around him.
The next thing Axel felt was pain.
This was worse than his pain of missing Roxas; this was an intense physical pain. He felt like his skin was being torn off. He tried to scream but his throat refused to work, his eyes refused to open and his body refused to move.
'This must be what dying feels like, I thought it would hurt less.' He thought before he fell into nothing again.
The next time he was coherent again it started with sound. He could hear beeping and muffled talking far away.
Slowly he opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a white room with machines surrounding him and he was lying in a bed.
'Great, I'm in a hospital.' He though cynically as he tried to move.
Pain flared through his body so forcefully that all he could do is whimper. He heard a gasp to his left and when he glanced over his eyes widened in shock. Roxas rushed to his feet from the chair he had been sitting in and was immediately at his bedside.
"Hey, you're awake." He said his voice cracking as tears began to fall from his blue eyes.
Axel just stared for a moment then closed his eyes tightly. After a moment he found his voice
"This is a dream, you're not here." He rasped out.
"Of course I'm here you idiot." Roxas said sounding a bit annoyed.
"But you hate me." Axel gasped out.
Roxas gingerly picked up his hand and held it in his.
"I could never hate you. I was mad but I don't even remember why and just because I was mad doesn't mean I want you dead." Roxas said as he kissed his hand.
"I couldn't stand being without you, knowing I hurt you…" Axel started but winced when his throat spasmed.
"Don't talk. You're still healing from your burns and smoke inhalation. The fire crew got you out before you burned to death but you still have some healing to do." Roxas said, "And don't worry I am going to stay right here." He said as he kissed his hand again.
Axel smiled and looked at him as a tear slid down his cheek. He squeezed Roxas's hand and against Roxas orders whispered two words, "Love you."
"I love you too," Roxas said, "Now rest, we can talk more later. I'll be here when you wake." He said with a smile.
Axel squeezed his hand again and then slowly let his eyes slide close. His last thought before sleep over took him was, 'Everything is going to be ok now.', and with that for the first time in a long time he fell into a peaceful sleep.
*So what did you think? Reviews and comments welcome and appreciated! Love always, Rei*