Spring was in the air.
Wait, that doesn't make any sense. How can spring be in the air? Is it floating there like a magic carpet? Did it get on a plane? I swear, there is something very wrong with the English language. Nonetheless, on that cherry-blossom filled day at the beginning of March, spring was most definitely in the air.
Somewhere within the lavish grounds of Ouran Academy - sorry, I meant Saotome Gakuen - a girl with eyes the colour of toxic waste sat admiring the flowers. She had a blank, calm look on her face, as if she wasn't really thinking about anything in particular. Now, this is the part where you are expecting me to delve into the depths of her mind and write a hundred word exposition on how the scent of cherry blossoms reminded her of her grandmother's farts or something like that. However, I'm not going to do that. This is because the blank look on this girl's face was, in fact, completely genuine. Yes. She really was thinking about nothing at all. Except maybe Tokiya's ass. Then again, he do got the bootay, so you can't entirely blame her for that.
So, spring was in the air. Actually, it may have been more correct to say that romance was in the air. Everywhere this girl looked, couples seemed to be popping up out of the woodwork, secretly holding hands (*GASP*) around the back of the dorms so as to hide the fact that they were clearly flouting the school's no dating policy. Naturally, as someone bereft of such displays of affection, this girl was getting rather jealous. Strangely enough, although seven completely heterosexual boys had been following her every move for an entire year, none of them had even tried to bang her yet. Unsurprisingly, Haruka was beginning to get rather pissed off.
Ugh! she whined, her salmon-pink hair falling wistfully in front of her face. Everyone has a boyfriend except me! It's SO unfair! I'm supposed to be the main character of this anime, for God's sake!
Unfortunately, Haruka had forgotten all about Rule #34 of Reverse Harem anime - at no point shall one of the haremites, particularly the one who constantly smells of Sex Panther cologne and has a voice that makes you need to take a cold shower every time you hear it, actually bang the main character. Then again, Haruka wasn't exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, so it wasn't exactly surprising that she'd overlooked this particular convention. Oh, well. On with the story.
As she walked past couple after couple secretly kissing behind trees, Haruka began to grow more and more irritated. It was becoming clear to her that the no dating rule was simply a crappy plot device thrown in to make the story more 'exciting'. Well, screw that. If those boys weren't going to come on to her, she was going to come on to them. Screw the rules! She had bishounen and goddammit, she was going to use them to their best advantage!
Stomping off in irritation, she headed towards music room three, otherwise known as STARISH's personal hideout. One of them had to be in there at least. With any luck, it would be more than one. It might even be all seven. Seven guys. Actually, that might be a bit too much. She could only think of jobs for two. What would the others do? Amuse themselves? Take...okay, okay, calm down. She couldn't go in there with a nosebleed. She needed a plan of action. It wasn't as if they would need all that much convincing but still, it was good to have a plan.
As she approached the door to the music room, Haruka closed her eyes and took a deep breath. What was it that Tomochika had told her? Ah, yes. Undo the top two buttons. Chest out, skirt up, game face on. Okay. She was ready.
Slowly, she turned the door handle and let a crack of light shine through from the music room. She could hear shuffling noises coming from somewhere in the corner, so there was definitely someone in there.
Curious, she opened the door a little wider, catching a glimpse of a shock of red hair peeking over the top of the piano. Okay. It was Otoya. Otoya. Thank goodness. She'd been hoping for an easy one.
Silently, she slipped in through the door and edged around the front of the piano, resisting the urge to giggle. Otoya. So, it was going to be First Guy Wins. Cliches aside, she was pretty happy with the situation. She'd always liked Otoya. He was cheerful, capable, chivalrous. Aside from obviously Tokiya, he was probably the best choice.
"Mmh..."
A small moan came from behind the piano, accompanied by the rustling of clothing. Haruka began to get very over-excited. However, she was pretty sure that voice didn't belong to Otoya. In fact, it sounded more like Tokiya than anything else. Perhaps she'd mistaken red for blue. Maybe she'd come to the wrong music room. Well, whatever. At this point in time, pretty much anyone would do.
Rounding the corner of the piano, Haruka peered around the side. Two pairs of legs, one standing and the other straddling, were visible on the edge of the table. Puzzled, Haruka froze for a second, watching the stradding one's feet twitch a little as the clothing rustling sounds continued. Suddenly, a white school shirt fell to the floor, crumpling in a heap behind the piano.
No, Haruka thought. No. Surely...surely...it couldn't be? Otoya...and a...and a...
Deciding that she was dreaming, she bobbed around the back of the piano one more time and closed her eyes. Okay. This was a mirage. A trick of the light. It had to be. It had to be. Exhaling deeply, she opened her eyes and clenched her fists together. This time, she was going to take a good look at their faces. In one swift movement, she leapt out from behind the piano, consigning herself to her fate.
It was like nothing else she'd ever seen. Otoya's shirt was firmly off and Tokiya's was on its way, helped along by what appeared to be a rather expert pair of hands. Their mouths were pressed together so hard that it almost looked like they were trying to suck out each others' souls, yet they sounded as if they were really enjoying themselves. Haruka's heart began to thump loudly in her chest. She pinched her arm, but it was patently obvious that she wasn't dreaming. After all, she hadn't seen nearly enough yaoi to be able to imagine a scene like this.
"I-I-Itoki," she stuttered, under the illusion that her hoards of loyal viewers that obviously watched to see her stammer with the force of a thousand raging unicorns and not the ludicrously-awful singing and reasonably good-looking bishies, could not identify the preoccupied idols. "...I-Itoki-kun..a-a-and...I-I-Ichinose...san?"
They barely paused in their- OH GOD WAS THAT A TONGUE?- fervent disrobing session to pay the heavily-nosebleeding Haruka any mind. From what she could observe in her mortified yet morbidly-aroused state, they both were avid urophiliacs, Tokiya enjoyed a smattering of healthy bondage, his fragile ears entirely susceptible to a periodic wail of "JAEGER" from Otoya.
Unable to take the sight of Tokiya dry-humping a stuffed llama any longer, Haruka escaped before the BL could fully ensnare her pure mind in its grasp, stumbling along the hallways of the empty dormitory and nearly breaking her pelvis seventeen times. Fortunately for her, she was somewhat aware of the rules that came with being a harem protag.
With minimal damage, she slumped into her bed, before noticing the pedo-bear sponge hanging on the hat rack she had swiped from Syo. Her eyes lit up- well, at least as much as they could, considering that they resembled the aforementioned toxic waste. Hijirikawa-san?
Ha! It would take more than losing two members of her harem to kill her girl boner! Adamant about her state of horniness, she composed herself, brushing back her flawless bishoujo hair. When she had asserted herself that she looked fabulous as usual, she put on a sultry pout, strutting into the hallway. Upon hearing something that sounded like the slap of a mop on the floor, she rounded the corner, catching a glimpse of a nude Masato. "Hiji-"
"Ugh, give it to me baby!" Ren groaned, in an equal state of undress as the boy lying on top of him and passionately licking his cheeks. He proceeded to spout a chain of unintelligible Engrish as Masato grunted, flipping him over and ravishing his clavicle. They began partaking in a strange sort of bear-wrestling akin to a tribal dance.
Well, shit. Using laundry detergent as lube wasn't such a bad idea.
Wait, what was she thinking? She had lost yet another facet of her harem to the tempting prospect of homosexuality, and was she honestly contemplating the mechanics of lubricants? Jolting back to her senses, she bolted in the opposite direction upon imagining Tomochika stripping to a funky Justin Bieber tune.
Okay, fine. More than half of her harem seemed to harbor homosexual tendencies, but at least she had the other three! A foursome would ease her dripping nose.
Her spirits soared as she spotted Cecil sauntering down the hallway, wearing a stoned expression as always. Haruka, being the amazing actress she was, broke into a kawaii desu crying frenzy, running over and snatching at his sugoi bling-bling. "Cecil-san," she sobbed. "All of my bishies. They're leaving me!"
He smiled bemusedly. "Don't worry, Haruka-chan. I'll always be your prince. No shirtless man could possibly deter me from my goal of being in rabu rabu with you foreverandeverandever! Oh, and singing your J-Pop."
At least someone was straight. They were making good progress here.
She sniffled, whimpering, "Really?"
Cecil pawed awkwardly at her salmon hair. "Of course, my-" He faltered.
"Cec-"
Haruka trailed off at the sight of three very, very naked boys standing before them.
"H-HEAVENS?!" she spluttered.
"Threesomes are overrated," Kira said boredly, straddling a mop and speaking his first coherent sentence in about four episodes. What a waste of Daisuke Ono's talent. "We could use a fourth member."
"Sumimasen!" Nagi(sa) shrieked, having shattered his shota radar. "ARIGATOU GOIZAM-"
Eiichi slammed a hand over his mouth to stop this totally sugoi story being completely ruined by baka nihongo desu ne anata no kaa-san wa kusoboke desu. "So how 'bout it?"
Haruka began to blush, glancing between Heavens and a starry-eyed Cecil. "Well, three is better than four..."
Eiichi snorted, flipping his hair. "Like we want you."
"NANI?!" Nagi interjected, his entire head almost exploding with all the sugoi.
"Heterosexuals are overrated," Kira added, amazing his loyal viewers- this was the most he had spoken since his fifth grade trip to the Mexican drug cartel. "It's obvious that Cecil's the seventh wheel here. I mean, your so-called harem was all shipped together so nicely before he showed up."
"Shipped together?!" Haruka was on the verge of cardiac arrest. "Not heterosexuals?"
"Have you seen their dance moves?" Eiichi demanded. "They're feeling each other up the entire time."
"I actually enjoyed it," Cecil mumbled.
Kira began doing some sort of dry-humping dance on his mop while Cecil watched, agape. As Haruka's eyes darted to his crotch, she swore that she could see a bulge forming where one definitely shouldn't be.
"No!" Haruka shouted, stamping her foot on the ground. "Tell them Cecil! Tell them how funny and straight you are!"
His eyes were bulging, gaze flitting between the extremely shiny shirtless dudes and the incredibly dull girl with hair like a floppy salmon. It didn't take him long to decide what the best option was. No, it wasn't spending all day masturbating to Twitch Plays Pokemon.
"BITCH, HOLD UP!" he squealed, suddenly developing a stereotypical black woman's voice for some unknown reason. "Lemme get ma towel!"
As Cecil walked off with his new homo-ies, Haruka felt her whole world shatter into kirakira pieces of sparkly desu around her. So, everyone in her entire reverse harem was a homosexual. How was something like this even mathematically possible? It was supposed to be one in ten, not ten in...oh God, the thought was giving her a major nosebleed. Ugh. She needed to go clean up. Now, where was the other bathroom in this place again?
Holding her nose to prevent great fountains of blood from spurting out of her lily-white nostrils, Haruka made her way down weird marble corridor after weird marble corridor. Bathroom. Bathroom. Wasn't there one somewhere near Syo's room? Yes, yes there was! Syo and Natsuki's room definitely had an en-suite. As fully-paid up members of her reverse harem, there was no way that they wouldn't let her in.
Knocking on the door, Haruka pinched her nose tighter. She still had some hope left that what HEAVENS said wasn't completely true. After all, Syo and Natsuki had never shown any suspicious behaviours towards one another. Yes, Natsuki did get a little weird when his glasses came off, but as far as she knew it was completely normal for men to slap each others' asses on a daily basis. After all, everyone at the school seemed to do it. It was just like girls touching each others' boobs after PE. Totally normal!
"Haruka!" Syo smiled, evidently happy to see her. "Where's Cecil? He said that he'd be swinging by here later..."
"Sorry, can I use your bathroom?" Haruka asked, cutting the conversation short before she had to think about what, or rather who, Cecil was probably doing right now.
"Yes, of course you can!" he beamed, showing her through to his room. Eyes directed towards the ceiling, Haruka felt about in front of her for the door handle. Unfortunately, since this is a crackfic and we haven't had nearly enough embarrassing scenes yet, her hand accidentally met with something else entirely.
"Oops!" Natsuki laughed, removing Haruka's searching hand from his private parts and dragging it up to touch his cheek. "Oh, Haruka-chan, do you need to see the nurse? Your nose looks very painful..."
SUDDENLY and WITHOUT WARNING, Haruka's kokoro started to go all doki doki waku waku. Even though Natsuki was definitely the least hot member of her harem, she still found him incredibly attractive, especially when he took off his glasses and started getting weird. Letting out a sigh of pleasure, she relaxed her arm and pushed herself against the boy just enough to knock off his glasses. Smirking to herself, she stepped to the side, semi-accidentally crushing the lenses to pieces with the heel of her shoe. Ha ha. She had him now!
Suddenly, the newly-revived Satsuki began to glow. Haruka could only gawk as the most startling transformation in the history of idol anime took place.
Satsuki Shinomiya became...a super moe kawaii desu Vocaloid.
"Now that I have unleashed my true form," he announced, in a booming Kaito voice that only served to intensify Haruka's nosebleed, "it is time for me to reveal who I truly am." He nodded to Syo, who returned the gesture. "SEKAI DE ICHIBAN OHIME-SAM-"
"Make it stop!" Haruka howled, as they transformed into holograms and began gyrating wildly, wearing leopard leotards and holding cosmopolitan cocktails. "Anything but the Vocaloid! Anything but the gay stereotypes!"
"YES!" Syo screamed, doing the hand jive whilst dabbling in metrosexual interior design. "WE ARE ALL HOMOSEXUALS!"
In a flash of fuschia pink sugoiness, the other members of STARISH, HEAVENS and a handcuffed, noticeably-aroused Cecil in tow, appeared, all clothed in various cosplays.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Rin shouted, suddenly sprouting an ahoge, "it's time for us to pump our dicks in time to the doki doki of our hearts, and reveal our true homosexual selves!"
"YEAH!" the other members shrieked.
"And now, what you've been all been waiting for...the super moe debut of ONE ERECTION!"
A sign bearing the words "Midnight Memories (One Erection 9000% Love Version) rose up from behind Syo's bed as Haruka watched on in horror.
"I'm gonna say this now, so please don't hate me
But unless you got a dick, you ain't gonna date me
Come on, it's not like you didn't know
Now just sit back and enjoy the show!
We took seven homos, then added three more
We can all pair up so we don't get bored
What do you think we did backstage before?
WOAH OH
Nine thousand per cent love! Kira, kira, kira
We're all coming out
As a whole band of
Homos, homos, homos, homos!
Nine thousand per cent love! Kira, kira, kira
Just come over here and watch as we all
Do it, do it, do it, do it!
Grabbing our asses in skinny jeans
We're flashing our abs on your TV screens
Even though there's no way you'll ever bang us
We'll sell ourselves to all our fangirls!
We took seven homos, then added three more
We can all pair up so we don't get bored
What do you think we did backstage before?
WOAH OH
Nine thousand per cent love! Kira, kira, kira
We're all coming out
As a whole band of
Homos, homos, homos, homos!
Nine thousand per cent love! Kira, kira, kira
Just come over here and watch as we all
Do it, do it, do it, do it!
Haruka, we're so sorry
But your eyes are too scary
Plus you have no personality, oh, oh, oh
This entire show makes no sense
It's done on otome pretence
Oh well, who really gives a fuck? KIRA KIRA SPARKLES DESU!
Nine thousand per cent love! Kira, kira, kira
We're all coming out
As a whole band of
Homos, homos, homos, homos!
Nine thousand per cent love! Kira, kira, kira
Just come over here and watch as we all
Do it, do it, do it, do it!"
Rainbow-coloured sparkles filled the air, sticking to everyone's clothing. Haruka, who was now nosebleeding so heavily that Google Maps had to name a new river just for her blood, had no idea what to do. For one thing, she was at least fairly sure that One Erection had managed to rip apart the fabric of the universe. For another, she had now found out that the entirety of her reverse harem were gay. To be honest, she didn't really know why she hadn't thought of this before. I mean, seeing as there was only one of her to seven of them, the odds of most of them being straight weren't really stacked in her favour. Huh. Maybe she'd bitten off more than she could chew with a reverse harem. Maybe another type of shoujo might be more her speed...
"Why, hello there."
Somewhere in the colour-splattered sky, a voice rang out. In a sudden beam of white light, a small animal shot down from the heavens above, falling into her arms like a puffy white cloud. Was it a cat? A fox? A dog? Haruka didn't know. To be honest, it probably didn't matter. This was, after all, a crackfic.
"I have a proposition for you, Miss Nanami," the animal purred, swishing its pink-tipped tail. "How would you like to make a contract with me and become a magical girl?"
Haruka thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" she asked.
"Oh, just your inevitable death at the hands of your own wish," the cat-dog-fox thing replied. "I will grant any wish you want, though. Plus, there are hardly any boys in my universe."
"Sounds like a good deal," Haruka nodded. "Alright, I wish for someone to love me so much that they would travel through multiple timelines for me."
"Are you sure about that?" the cat asked, tilting its head to one side. "This is kind of a no-refunds deal."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Haruka nodded. "Bring it."
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Madoka Magica was born.