I watch your closed lids and can't stop my hands from shaking as I reach out to brush some dark bangs from your pale face.
You don't belong here, in this steril white room.
You belong home, with your family, with your pets, with your friends.
Home, with me.
And I can't do nothing more than sit at your side, listen to the EEG as it beats slowly, indicating that your heart still beats, listen to the soft buzz of the lights. Your chests rises and falls softly... too soft and too slow.
And you're so still...
I watch you with my eyes, sore from the lack of sleep and amount of tears.
Of all people, why did it have to be you?
Why...
Why...?
Why not anyone else?
You always pushed your luck, didn't you?
A happy, steady life was not good enough.
How many times you told me that...?
It's like walking on thin ice, you know? You never know if you will make it to the other side or will it crush underneath, taking you to a frozen abyss.
Living on the edge, that is my purpose.
The blood rush, it gives me a thrill.
And you would look at me, your eyes full of something so beautiful it hurt to look.
Squinting them slightly, as you smiled.
Would you follow me?
Would I?
Loving you was dangerous enough...
Was I supposed to live the way you lived?
Would you take my hand and never know what your destiny is?
I wish I've told you that I would.
How long have you been laying here? A week already?
Fading into that frozen abyss you spoke of. I don't want you to fade.
My lips break slightly as I whisper your name, reaching out to hold your hand.
You're cold.
You never were so cold...
A warm tear slids down my cheek as I still look at you, yet my eyes seeing only my memories.
How you laughed.
Smiled.
Pouted when not content.
How you would always reach out for anyone.
Did you even have the slightes idea how much more life gained of a sparkle when you were at my side?
How suddenly the colors bloomed, taking away the grey haze of everyday?
And not only mine.
Everyone loved you.
I loved you.
And even if you never said it, I know you loved me back.
Because of your words.
Of that smallest of small changes in your eyes, when you would rest them on me.
And when you reached out for me, did you ever thougth I would not sieze your hand?
Maybe you were walking on thin ice.
Being always on the edge of all things.
Challenging you life, pushing your luck.
I whisper your name again, silently pleading not to die.
My eyes never leaving your close lids.
Your chin is sharper now.
Only now realize how high your cheekbones are.
You...
Please, wake up.
There was always so much of everything in you...
I know you can fight your way back up here.
With such a hot heart...you can't slip away into the coldness of nothing.
Right...?
Did you ever imagined what it was to feel life?
I wish I could feel it.
It must be so... so... wonderfull.
A master of your own...
But you did.
You were.
How could you not realize that you were the life itself?
If not for you alone...then for the others around you!
Did you...
Did you pale just now...?
No.
Don't you dare...
I sit, rooted to my place.
Watching doctors and a nurse running into the steril room.
I stare blankly at the EEG.
Why isn't there...?
Why...a line...?
Why...?
Why, why, why....?
You always ask so much...
I'm never satisfied, that's why.
I feel a sting in my arm.
And a weakness in my knees.
A sedative...
But...but....
If I ever fall...
Why are you fading...?
If I ever fail...
I fell.
I failed.
I couldn't reach back for you.
You will know where to find me.
It darkens before my eyes, as I see them switch the machinery off.
Numb.
I struggle to look at your face.
You look...at peace.
Ephiphany came as the darkness became more and more numbing.
Because this was my frozen abyss.