A/N -hey, I'm trying out something new, and anyone whose read metallic love, and want a new chapter, its coming up soon, so tell me what you think of this new story, thanks. - Sarah ( I re-did this chapter, because it was different when I started it. I'm sorry for anyone who like the old one, but this makes a bit more sense. Thanks for reading)
Ever since that day, it's been amazingly hard. Hard to cope, hard to feel, hard to even see sometimes. The guilt and sadness that plagues me, it's unbearable.
When the unthinkable happens to someone you love, how do you cope?
Do you just let go and try to be normal for everyone?
Since I don't have anyone that expects anything of me anymore, It's hard to even try. Try to live, try to be happy.
Suffering is what I live for. Pain. I strive to feel it, even to taste a bit of it. Everything I do revolves around my pain.
It revolves around something I don't want to be, yet It's the thing I am. A creature of the unknown. I am something to be feared, something to have nothing.
It made that apparent when more then one family just leaves you.
Charlie, then them. What the hell did I do to deserve that? I mean, I got A's, I was the valedictorian. I guess when your successful, something just fucks it up, makes your success a joke to you.
Yeah. Loneliness feels fantastic.
That's another thing I live for. Having the feeling of emptiness all the time. People ask me how I put up with James' shit, they don't know half of what I put up with.
And I don't think I'd like to share with them. If anything actually mattered, I'd be less of a bitch. I'd have a life. I'd have love. I used to, but not anymore, not ever.
Sure, yeah, I have sex, so what. It's an emotional outlet in a way. Something personal to me without people knowing it's personal. Something people don't have to know about. Even though my lifestyle is horrible, It's an escape. Escape from the numbness that engulfs me, traps me, in this endless pit of agony.
I hate this fucking lifestyle. I wish it was over, and I had a feeling that would happen, but not soon.
I need to relinquish the beauty of being numb, even though I know It'll scare the shit out of me, and some sense into me.
So, wacha think? another chapter up in store? or just ditch this and head back to my other? anyways, thanks everyone for reading my stories regardless.-Sarah.