I hate being different.
I hate the look people get in their eyes when they realize there's something wrong with me. It doesn't take long; life has left its mark on me. I guess one doesn't die several times in heart and body and not show it in his eyes.
They freeze as they realize that I'm more than the mild-mannered geek they took me for; for some reason they're afraid. They don't know that I scare me as well.
I didn't always have this wear and tear on me. Oh yes, I lost my parents right before my very eyes, but time allowed that memory to fade a bit if I didn't dwell on it. Archeology and language helped me to keep some innocence.
It's hard to keep innocent, though, when you face death every day and have in fact died several times. After I first died on Abydos, I was shocked to be alive again and knew that life would never be the same.
I hate being right.
Other deaths followed, my own and those caused by me. The Jaffa I have killed weigh heavy enough on my conscience, but the other deaths are the ones that have destroyed my innocence. My heart died when my Shau're was taken from me and made into a Goa'uld – an enemy I couldn't change or talk reason with. It died when my brother-in-law, Ska'ara, suffered the same fate. I think Jack's heart died then, too. Jack is another one whose heart keeps resurrecting itself after events that would kill any other feeling man.
My heart died when Kawalski was taken and died, although, I think it hurt Jack more on the personal level. I was fond of Kawalski, but what happened to him really drove home the fact that there was no hope for Shau're or Ska'ara.
I died again when Sam was taken over by Jolinar and we all thought that she was lost to us. I was resurrected as the Tok'ra died to save her life.
When Jack forced me to destroy Thor's hammer to save Teal'c even though it doomed Shau're and Ska'ara; when I nearly killed Jack while suffering from sarcophagus addiction; when I nearly died covering Bra'tac and the others on Ska'ara's ship, only to find a sarcophagus to save me; when we all died on the Nox's planet in a failed attempt to kill Apophis; when I found out that Shau're carried a child by Apophis; when Teal'c was forced to kill Shau're – no, Amonet… Amonet – to save my life; when Jack was forced to nearly kill Sam when she was taken over by the entity; when Jack and Sam nearly died in Antartica and we almost couldn't figure out where they were in time to save them; when I was forced to give the order that could kill Jack and Teal'c in order to keep the replicators from infesting earth; when Jack and Teal'c nearly died out in space, saved only by Sam and I convincing Jacob to give up his mission for the Tok'ra to help us; when I was questioned as to where Teal'c was on a hostile world and my refusal to give him away got Jack and Sam tortured…
Yes, I died many times over the years, not all of the deaths physical, and they have left their mark on me. I think it comes from caring too much. If I didn't care, I wouldn't get hurt, and people wouldn't stare. Maybe I could be normal.
I might as well tell myself not to breathe.
I can't stand the idea of Jack, Sam, or Teal'c – my team, my family – dying if I could stop it. So I die over and over again, in body and soul, for those I care about. My mind dies as well, for my nightmares will not leave me alone.
I am a walking dead man, as gruesome as that might seem – eyes perched in a graveyard that have seen too much. People notice this and shy away.
Everyone, that is, except for my team and family. They are there when no one else is and know me for who I am and who I was. My propensity for caring scares them more than my deaths.
But they don't understand; they can't look into themselves and see that same brutal self-killing in their own hearts that they see in me. They care too much, too, in spite of being more soldierly than I am and it is killing them.
Their eyes fill with tears as they watch me, as they curse my ability to care.
The thing is, they would have done the same if it had been them in my place. They would have knocked Jonas aside and stopped the naquadria reactor from going off too. If they were thinking honestly instead of with their emotions, they would agree with what I have done.
I couldn't let those people die and I certainly couldn't let my team die. They have died in as many different ways as I have, but I can handle the idea of my own physical death better than I can the demise of my soul if any of my team were to die instead. Their sacrifice would have really done me in.
So it was selfish, really, even though they don't see it that way. Now I don't have to see Sam, Jack, or Teal'c die. I don't have to have that on my conscience.
Sam, this will be hard for you, but I hope someday you'll accept that my death was unavoidable. Try to live; don't let it drag you down. You will be able to laugh again, I promise you.
Teal'c, you probably understand best the decision I made. I trust you to help Sam and Jack along and not to let them push you away. They need your strength.
Jack, don't blame yourself. You're the team leader, but you don't control me. I don't follow your orders all the time anyway, what makes you think you could have stopped me if you had been there? Don't internalize this; I don't want to see you become the man you were when I first met you. You deserve better than that and the team needs you.
I'm tired of death, Jack and Oma has called me to Ascension. Tell Jacob to let me go. I know that it's unfair to ask you to let me die and that you'll blame yourself, but you shouldn't and I need to do this. Maybe Ascended I won't have to die anymore. Maybe Ascended I can make sure you won't die either.
I'm tired of death. Maybe Ascension can erase its mark on me so I won't have to carry this weight.
Just let me go.