Very Near Yet So Seemingly Far

[1]

Just One Morning

I woke up and opened my eyes, only to see your sleeping face. I was quite taken aback—I never seemed to get used to being in one bed with you. But how can I? We're twins; your face takes my breath away every time I see you...

… And my heart starts to beat faster every minute I'm with you.

"Ohayo Rin."

Your sweet breath took me back to reality, and your eyes bore right into mine. I just then realized I was staring at you. Feeling like a complete baka, blood rushed up to my cheeks and my whole body warmed up. My stomach felt tight, and I was unable to mutter a single word. I grabbed your pillow, leaving your head 'pillowless' and covered my face with it as I turned the other direction.

"Ugh. Doffloofhafhme." The words were muffled and I could hear you chuckling. "What is that? I can't hear you sis."

I can feel the bed covers moving as you came closer. I never got caught by you before, so at these times, I didn't really know what to do or how to react. Not like anybody would know.

"You'll have to remove that pillow off your pretty face if you're gonna let me understand you~" Your tone was teasing, and I hated it. My insides felt like pretzels and knots.

Your presence was nearing and I pressed the pillow harder on my face. "Come on, what were you saying again? D'aaw, did Rinny-chan turn speechless when I caught her staring at Len-kun?"

"Goh afway!" I shouted. But it didn't have the effect I expected it to have, so, still, you came close. Your arms wrapped me in a warm morning's hug, and from your lips was a soft laugh near my ears. You retreated slowly, and the warmth seemed to follow you.

When I was already certain you were up, I removed the pillow from my face and opened my eyes. You weren't in the room, and the door was slightly ajar. I sat up and yawned, and found my left hand touching my ear, where I can still feel the soft brush of your lips, your laugh still echoing. I slowly rose from the bed as to prevent myself from falling and went out with my sleepwear still on. I went straight for the bathroom, but then decided against it halfway there. I ran a hand through my hair a couple times and went to the kitchen instead where I found you preparing breakfast.

You somehow sensed my presence and asked, "So, are you gonna return my good morning or not?"

"Yeah, yeah. Good morning Len." I yawned and went to the cupboards to put out a pair of plates and silverware. As I was reaching out with both hands, your arms were suddenly around my waist, making me startled and caused myself to let out an involuntary squeak!. Your face was a mere inch from mine-I could already feel my face temperature rising. "Uh-uh-uh, where's my mornin' kiss?" You said, your voice low and a bit raspy. The first thing that registered into my mind was me describing you sexy. Now I was certain my forehead could fry that egg faster than the pan on the stove.

I softly pushed your face away, stuttering. "N-no way, mister, after what you did a w-while ago. And w-why should I, e-even?!"

You rolled your eyes and responded, "Oh come on, you're my twin sister. We're family, remember?" You smiled lopsidedly that I had a hard time fighting off a laugh, but eventually lost against my will so I waved it off anyway. "Fine Len," I said while rolling my own pair, "but you'll just get it tomorrow. I'll cross my fingers though, if I were you." You sighed and pouted dramatically, turning back to finish cooking. All at once, my expression fell. Every trace of giddiness was wiped away and replaced by disappointment, uncertainty.

"Twin sister. Family." I whispered to myself. That sure shot an arrow right through my heart. Of course, I'm just that, anyway. I was wrong to expect more from us.

[2]

Student Council Party?

We walked along the corridors of school, noises and conversations buzzing in the Thursday morning air. As I saw the half-envious, half-admiring looks shot at our direction as we passed, I already felt content just by being beside you, and found myself thanking Kami for making me the closest you've got. I looked straight ahead so that I can prevent myself from sticking out my tongue out to the school's girl populace.

"Good morning Len-kun~ !" A high voice that reminded you of a mother cooing her baby suddenly greeted us from behind. It was, of course, the student body president Miku. Long green locks, pretty face, not bad a brain—and she was head over heels for you.

"Oh, hi there Miku." You responded quite nonchalantly. Miku turned to me and smiled her signature sweet smile. "Ohayo Rin-chan~ !"

I nodded and gave her a smile back. "Mornin' Mics." I couldn't really figure out whether her kindness was just hypocrisy, a facade so that she could kiss up to my brother, but I didn't mind it that much. That much. I didn't say that I actually didn't.

Miku looped her arm around yours, which always triggered this weird feeling from the pit of my stomach. With all the years I lived with you, I knew that you were probably dying inside, wishing that she would just scuttle away. You were just too much of a nice guy.

The two of you conversed for a while as we walked towards class. I was left to resume looking ahead and appear like some kind of lost freshman, trying to appear cool.

At last, she reached her own classroom. "Okay then, I guess I'll see you guys later. I have to give out the flyers for this weekend's party hosted by the one and only, Student Council! We only have 2 days left to prepare! Bye~ !" She waved to us and headed inside. We sighed because she said it all so fast and didn't even give us a chance to reply. "Bye..?" We replied lamely in unison.

We continued as we reached our destination. When we took out first steps inside, more girls were already smiling and greeting you good morning. Being the same as always, you politely returned all of them as we proceeded to our seats. My eyebrows raised. As we were seated, you took out your Math textbook and began flipping through the pages. I cleared my throat and turned to ask you a question that had been lingering in my head for a long time already.

"Len, I was just wondering," I started. "Among all these girls who are soooo mesmerized by you-"

You suddenly chuckled "Is there someone out there that you even like?" You finished for me, taking the words right out of my mouth. "Err, yes..." I was already silently wishing that your answer would be yes.

"Hmm… Well actually, yes. There is a girl I like." You said in a matter-of-fact tone. "But probably not from these girls."

"Oooh, Lenny has a crush on a girl~" I teased you. But inside, my heart was pounding really fast. All that's left is for you to say my name and I think I'll explode. I think. "I wonder who that might be."

"Oh just no one." You smiled. But you suddenly seemed to change your mind, so you took a deep breath, sighed, and came closer to whisper something in my ear-like to keep it inaudible to other people. "But I am planning on telling her on the weekend Student Council party."

With that one sentence, you sent butterflies fluttering. As you pulled back, I said, "I can't wait to meet her." My head was still trying to pull itself together since your breath left me dazed. You smirked at me. "Oh, that's not necessary. You already know her very well."

And with that one sentence, you sent fantasies bursting in vivid colors.

[3]

Hearts Beating Fast

The afternoon before Saturday, we strolled the streets, entering shop after shop looking for our attires. Throughout the whole day, I couldn't help thinking, What if it's not me? What if it was just someone I know very well but can't remember? But as you held my hand and dragged me along blocks and blocks of cafes, clothing shops, restaurants-with your blue eyes like mine that sparkle whenever you give one of your captivating smiles—I was completely worry-free. My whole self was in a happy place—my happy place, a place where there was only you, me, and our hearts intertwined by Destiny. Probably Fate, too.

When we arrived back home, we were so exhausted that we plopped straight on bed. "Damn, I wonder how you girls handle shopping. I mean, who actually walks that much?!" You said, slightly panting.

"Oh, how should I know..? I'm not much of a shopaholic." We both laughed. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. Up, down, up down. I felt my chest heaving in a faster-than-usual tempo. Suddenly, your hair was tickling my neck, your ear right above my heart, wasting all my breathing-excercise efforts. "I wonder if your heart beats this fast for someone." You said. My eyelids flew open, and they drooped back. "Oh Len, if only you knew."

"What?" It took me a full second to realize that I said that aloud. "Oh, u-um, e-err, nothing..?" I fumbled for words. You sat up and smirked at me. "Come on, surely you can tell me. Is he someone I know..?" I feigned to think about it for a while, my lips pursed in deep thought and confusion. "Hmm?" You asked again, this time wriggling your eyebrows in a manner that old-movie villains usually do. I burst into laughter.

"Len! I thought I told you not to do that anymore!" I chuckled a few more times before sighing. I've got nothing to lose anyway.

"Actually, you already know him very well." At first, you just stared at me like crazy. The next second, you were laughing just as hard as I was, probably thinking that it sounded funny when I repeated what you said a day ago.

That night, as I watched your sleeping face, I wondered if you felt butterflies in your insides or maybe had a glimpse of us together in some wonderland when I responded to your question earlier.

Tomorrow holds my fate of love for you. What will it be?

[4]

Pastel Pink Sakura, Illuminating Yellow Lanterns, and Warm Blue Tears

We were in deep slumber that morning. Even in my sleep, I can feel your arms cuddling me. It was one of those moments in my life that I treasure so much. Every heartbeat, every breath, every smile...

The arms of the clock seemed to have ticked too fast for noon came around so quickly. We fixed ourselves up—and you asked my help for your hair. But your disheveled hair just looked so… cute, I guess. I couldn't bear fixing it up but I did anyway.

One hour before the grand event, we started dressing ourselves. I was in the dressing room, slipping on my dress, hoping not to smudge any makeup off. I didn't dare look at the mirror just yet.

As I went out, you were in the midst of fixing your necktie. You stopped and turned around to look. Your eyes were sparkling. Were those tears?

I walked towards you and did a small pirouette. "So, what do you think?"

You sniffed and wiped your eyes while laughing. "You look beautiful. I just wish mom and dad were here to see you all pretty like this. Well, I mean, you always have been and always will be pretty—but you get the point. "

I looked down on the ground, hoping that the hair framing my face was enough to cover the fact that my face is flushed. "T-thanks." I composed myself and helped you with your tie. "Why do ties have to be so complicated anyway?" you complained. I chuckled in response and handed you over your tuxedo. I took a small step backward and looked at you.

Len Kagamine, my brother, and the only man I will ever love.

"So?" You asked me. You posed in a crazy sort of fashion that I suddenly laughed. "And I also wish mom and dad were here to see you. You look dazzling." I replied. You can just be so silly sometimes.

How I wish you knew how amazing you really looked. But to me, you're still, no doubt, the most awesome guy I knew no matter what you wore.

We arrived at the venue of the party. You helped me out of the sleek black limousine that carried the students from the school and together we walked inside. The entrance had lots of lanterns and Sakura branches. It felt like a fantasy all too true; you, me, walking hand in hand, surrounded by these enticing gleams.

As we approached the arch leading to the gymnasium, many girls were already whispering and gushing.

"Len-kun, Rin-chan, you made it! ~" The ever-so-familiar voice of Miku reached our ears and made us turn towards her direction.

"Oh Mics, of course we did." I told her with a smile. "Never'd miss it for the world."

"D'aaw, you guys are too sweet. And might I say Len, you look absolutely dashing!And you too Rin! ~"

We laughed and Miku took off towards somewhere else. The whole place was decorated with snowy white, lanterns that illuminated a soft yellow light, and pastel pink cherry blossoms. It was incredible—almost like spring and winter together.

A Sakura petal was lightly floating in mid-air, and I held my hands out to catch it. But it suddenly went another direction, so my hands dropped to my sides and I sighed.

"Hey."

When I turned around to see who it was, I was startled by your face that I almost fell off-balance—if it weren't for you catching me. You helped me up and placed something in my hands. It was the cherry blossom petal.

"T-thanks Len." I stuttered. You smiled in response and pinched my cheek. "You're so cute."

I laughed and looked down again. I couldn't help but smile when the girls came reacting in the background.

We went to the table where the food was placed and had Sakura-themed cupcakes. Just when the first song was starting, you suddenly grabbed my hand and led me to one of the two balconies of the place.

"Len?" I asked you. My heart was racing. The party, the crowds, the music were fading—and all I could hear is the sound of our footsteps along the tiled floor.

"Just follow me."

Halfway there, we stopped at the bridge. You paused to catch your breath and I looked at the moon. It was so beautiful, up close—it almost felt like I could touch it.

"Um, Rin?" My attention was diverted to you. Your face softened and my breath was taken away by it, like it always did. The gentle glow of moonlight, the subtle distance between us—time seems to have stopped. "Hmm?" I tried to sound cool.

"U-um, I was just… e-er, I don't know… Ugh, this is all too embarrassing." You muttered, quite to yourself, while you buried your face in your hands. I giggled as you blushed, and my heart was faster than ever before. My vision seemed to blur.

You composed yourself and exhaled. "Okay Rin, I'm just gonna tell you this one time."

I was on the verge of crying and/or fainting.

"You remember last Wednesday, right? When I told you that I was going to confess to the girl I like on the day of the party?" I nodded and looked you looked me straight in the eyes. "Well, now I'm going to."

I thought I'd be ready for this, but all seemed to have stopped but my heart.

"Rin… I l-l-like…"

You swallowed and breathed heavily.

"Rin, I actually like… Gumi."

And now, even my heart has stopped.

"Oh."

Gumi. Our long declared childhood friend. Gumi. The perfect one. Gumi. The beautiful one. Gumi. The one that understood you the most.

Or at least who you thought understood you the most.

At that very name, my hopes, dreams and fantasies came crashing down. "Rin, I'm not sure if I can do this." You were desperate; I saw it in your eyes. "Please, I need your help." But why didn't I see this coming?

Why did I even bother liking you Len?! It just had to be you, didn't it? I was so angry at myself that it sent my inner to hysterics. Everything came tumbling down on me... crushing me. Bit by painful bit.

I could have just sunk into my knees and cried, but I had to stay strong. For you.

Not knowing how to go with it, I hugged you tight. I never wanted to let go, because I felt like this is going to be the last one I'm ever going to really feel in a long time.

"You can do it Len." I looked you again straight in the eyes, and warm wetness slid down my cheeks. My voice became weaker, "I know you can."

"Rin-chan, why are you crying?" Your tone was so sincere that I hated it. I despised it so much because it was the sincerity of a brother. Family. Void of anything but concern for me, your sister. You wiped my tears away and kissed my forehead softly. "Shh, shh…"

Your voice made me cry even more.

They said that When you're about to die, your life flashes before your very eyes. But for me, whose life seemed to build up on her fantasized love, it was like that-almost feeling like being equal to nothing, empty. Nonentity. Non-existent.

I was wrong. I had everything to lose.

My thoughts wandered to countless memories, and I wondered if you'll still be able to act like all those times if ever you and Gumi got together. Can I still rightfully and whole-heartedly call you mine? The thought of no was the most heartbreaking thing I could think of.

"Nothing. I'm just happy for you. 'Cause I'm sure Gumi likes. You back and you'll be. Happy together." My voice was broken through tears.

You gave me a warm smile. "Thanks sis. You sure you're okay?" I gave you a slight nod.

You gently let go of me and started turning back. As I stared at your retreating form, the warmth that filled the atmosphere minutes ago was disappearing. I was left with the breeze of a cold night, and my lips unconsciously whispered your name.

"Len."

Surprisingly, you turned around and headed back to me, "Yes, sis? Anything?"

I'll never understand how you heard me, but I gently kissed the tip of your nose. "I still haven't given you your good morning kiss yet." I laughed with teary eyes as you ruffled my hair.

I guess I just have to live with my suppressed emotions and continue smiling for you.

Being your sister is the best relationship I can ever have with you, and that's all there is to it.

I'll miss your sincere good morning and good night kisses, the meals you prepare, your warm cradles, your tender hugs, your laugh in my ear…

...And waking up to find your adorable sleeping face in front of me. All these, which were once, only mine.

Though, every time I'll look at you, you'll still continue pulling at my heartstrings, making butterflies flutter in my stomach and my insides twist in knots.

You ran and waved goodbye. As you went your way, I whispered to the moon, hoping it'll send my message to you.

"I'm sure everything will turn out fine. I'll be rooting for you."

"Change is the only impermanent thing in this permanent world."

But in my world, there are two things that—I swear— will never, ever change.

First, my love for you which will always be the same; unrequited, but boundless.

The other one is you—Len Kagamine, my brother, and the only man I will ever love.