The result of me reading M rated fan fictions about Artemis and Butler… then drawing pictures of Butler trying to eat a dragon. Don't ask.
P.S This set a few months after the first book and Artemis is in his school holidays, if his school has those, I'm not sure.
Chapter One: Do you love me? No! You're a fatty!
Artemis walked into the kitchen, sat down and waited for Butler to finish making his breakfast. He knew immediately something was wrong. Butler was hunched over, not even acknowledging his presence. Maybe he should just let Butler talk when he was ready…. Nah. He cleared his throat. Butler didn't respond.
"Butler." Artemis said.
Butler turned around, startled. "Sorry, sir. I didn't realise you were there." Artemis raised an eyebrow.
"Is there something you wanted to say, you seem a little jumpy this morning."
"No, everything is fine…Well, actually there was something I wanted to ask you." Butler said, wiping his hands on a cloth and turning to face him. Butler took a deep breath. Gee, Artemis thought, he looks like he's about to confess to Dr. Phil.
"Artemis, do you… love me?" Butler stared intently at the table, as if he could burn a hole in it with his eyes. Which was good because Artemis, being twelve, struggled against his natural boyish instinct to laugh. He even managed a completely straight face. Yeah, completely straight. I don't even think the Government could do that, even though they're such good liars. NO OFFENCE TO THE GOVERNMENT!
"Of course I do. You're like my big, overly protective brother. I've grown up with you around me my entire life. So, yes, I care about you."
"Yes, I know that. But do you love me?"
No! You're a fatty! The child in Artemis said. Okay, I'm laughing now. And Artemis, for all his smartness, couldn't but help let out a single, tiny, giggle. Which immediately made Butler's head snap up. Uh-oh, somebody's in trouble! And seeing that confused, desperate, hopeful look in Butler's eyes, Artemis gave in to the child inside himself. Basically he cracked up. Artemis let out hounds of laughter, giggles and mortifyingly loud snorts. He even fell off his chair! At one point he ran to the toilet because he was about to pee himself. Don't feel bad Artemis, that's what I would do, only I might not make it in time…. Too much information?
Once Artemis composed himself he looked Butler, who was stony faced, directly in the eye (is that meant to be plural?).
"Butler, I apologise for my slip of composer, exposing my childish thoughts. I'm sorry, old friend, but I don't love you in that particular way." Artemis felt sorry for him. Just give him an opening! He told himself.
"But we both know you were joking, right?"
"Right." Butler said and returned to making breakfast.