The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker In a Parallel Universe
Chapter 1
The Adventure Begins
It was a bright and beautiful day on Outset Island, home of the dim-witted villagers that made up most of Link's friends and family. They spent most of their day doing the same thing, carrying pots around on their heads, chasing pigs, and cutting some annoyingly persistent grass that just never seemed to want to die. Fortunately, this story does not follow these people, but, instead, it follows the aforementioned Link, who was currently being woken up by his younger sister Aryll. He had been enjoying a nice afternoon nap in some sort of lighthouse thing (which wasn't really a lighthouse as it had no way of directing light anywhere along the coast, but the villagers felt like something had to be put there, and it was either a cool looking tower-like structure or a place to keep the creepy little kid who really needed a tissue; since the parents voted against the jail intended for their son, they built the tower), but of course, his sister had a knack for appearing when no one wanted her. If she hadn't been so darn cute looking the villagers would've voted her off the island years ago.
" 'Hoy big brother!" Aryll said, but, since her talking skills were still very poor, all that came out was something that sounded like 'boy' in a very excited voice.
"Go away." Link said, but as usual he was ignored.
"Ha!" she said (she meant to say 'Guess what today is!'). Fortunately, Link could translate what his sister meant to say (usually anyway). The only response he gave his sister though was the same thing he had said to her before, "Go away."
"You're still half asleep aren't you? It's your birthday!"
"Huh? No it's not…" Link said, and he was right. His birthday wasn't until two more months.
"Grandma has been waiting at the house for a long time now." Aryll said, ignoring her brother just like the rest of the village tended to do.
"But I-"
"Get going slacker!" Aryll shouted. Link quickly made his way down the ladder, but in his haste to get away from his crazed sister he missed a rung and fell the rest of the way down, getting a good view of the dark wood below him as he fell flat on his face. "Ow.""Are you ok?" a small voice asked from somewhere above his head. Despite the voice's good intentions, however, Link recognized that voice. He sprang up and saw his fears confirmed as a small boy came into focus. Link leaped into the water and swam as fast as he could, screaming all the way about how that booger kid would never catch him. He reached the shore and ran towards a small cliff, hearing the little pitter-patter of the creepy kid's feet chasing after him, getting closer and closer. He climbed up the cliff just in time. The kid rammed into the cliff where Link had been just a few seconds before, his disgusting nose-dripping causing him to bounce back. A shadow passed over the small boy's face, "You may have gotten away this time, but you can't run forever Link! Muhahahaha!" he shouted after our protagonist before waddling off to annoy his brother. Meanwhile, Link was hiding in the long grass that was growing in a fenced in area. He was backing away as quietly as he could when he bumped into a rather tall man. " 'Hoy there Link. It's your birthday already eh?"
"…No it's not." Link said, wondering what was making everyone think that it was.
"Say Link, could you do me a favor? I'm trying to cut all this grass here (I could've sworn I cut it yesterday…). If you cut it for me that'd be great, you can keep whatever you find. You'll need a grass cutting tool though." the man said.
"Why can't I just borrow yours then?" Link asked.
"Well, when you find one, come back here will you!" the man said cheerfully and went back to persistently cutting away at one grass blade.
"Yeah, whatever." Link ran off then, figuring that the little kid had left by now, and continued on his way to see his grandmother and get this whole birthday thing straightened out. He began to cross the long bridge that crossed the gap between where the island was slightly separated, when halfway there he met the creepy kid's normal brother (who also happened to idolize Link, but this, of course, did not affect Link's opinion of him at all…). "Hey Link, is it true that if you run really fast towards those rocks you can jump on them?" he asked.
"I guess…" Link said, not really liking where this was going.
"Ah wow! You have to show me!"
"Actually I was kind of-"
"Show me!"
"Alright fine!"Link hopped around on the rocks for a little bit, trying to gather the rubies there, when a bunch of seagulls came out of nowhere and grabbed them before he could. "What's with the birds?" Link asked.
"Ahahahaha! I have total power over the seagulls!" Link could just make out the voice of his sister in the distance.
"She scares me." Link said in a small voice before he made his way back to the little kid on the bridge.
"Wow! You're amazing! I want to be just like you when I'm older!" the boy said.
"Yes, I know." Link said in a bored voice. "That'll take a while." he added in an observing tone as the boy went running off. Link continued his long trek to his house, admiring the sparkling blue ocean along the way. He stopped just in time before he walked right into yet another villager who was crouching low to the ground, mumbling something about bacon. "Link! I just saw a…a wild pig! There, right there! Do you see it!" The man asked excitedly.
"No." Link said in a voice that anyone with a brain would've translated into 'I don't care'. But, as you may remember reading earlier, these people don't have these strange things called brains. "Oh Link, my wife has been begging me for a pet recently, and this is the perfect thing!"
"Don't you think she'll take that as an insult? She's not exactly skinny, and she might think you're trying to hint that she looks like a pig; a person tends to get pets that resemble them after all." Link said in a philosophical voice.
"Could you catch it for me?" The man asked, pointedly ignoring the young boy. "You can't just run up to it, you have to crawl up to it…slowly… and then grab it! You could always distract it with bait I guess." he said.
"I'm not going to grab a stinky old pig!" Link said.
"My wife would be very happy to have a pet, she'd probably reward you…" the man said, trailing off in what he hoped was a mysterious manner. Link perked up when he heard this, "Money? I love money! All right I'll do it!" he said. After ten minutes of failed attempts at grabbing the little black pig, with the man shouting out advice the whole time, Link finally managed to seize it. "You shouldn't hold it like that." the man said when Link stood up in the long grass, the upset and squealing pig upside down and over Link's blonde head. "I know how to hold it!" Link said as he went over to the man. "Here!" he dropped the pig next to the guy, but all the sudden the man seemed intent on ignoring both Link and the pig. "Well? Take it already!" Link said as he grabbed the pig again before it could go running off.
"Why Link, I just saw a…a wild pig!" the man said suddenly.
"Yeah, no kidding. Fine, I get your oh so subtle hint, I'll take it all the way to your house." Link said, and went stomping off, the poor little pig back in its upside down position. Link had almost reached the pig man's house, which already had a penned in area specially made for pigs (what a coincidence), when suddenly a voice called out to Link which made him startle and drop the pig. "Hey Link! L-target me and talk to me!" said the island's crazy old man from his balcony.
"My money!" Link said, referring to the pig that was currently running back to the spot where it had been before. "You stupid old man! Look what you made me do!" Link shouted back at the man who had some sort of freakish mutation as a head. "Yes yes, that's it! You're very smart, that is L-targeting young man! Come on up, there's more I want to teach you!"
"Oh I'll come up alright, I've got a few things to say to you, freak!" Link said, marching angrily towards the ladder that led up to the old man's room. Link entered the small area, which was filled with books and papers that were scattered around in neat little piles. The old man came in, sealing the large glass door that led to the balcony so no one else could ever go through them again, and gave a friendly chuckle. "My my, it's your birthday already? Well, from now on you are going to have to study study study!" he said, ignoring Link's protests that it wasn't his birthday yet. Suddenly a loud thud shook the house, causing the shelves to collapse along with whatever had been on them. The old man's freakishly mutated head suddenly turned a strange red color and started to smoke as he banged on the floor with his large staff. "Such a racket! Can't you keep quiet you rotten hooligan!" he shouted at the floor, causing Link to panic and hide behind one of the stacks of books. The man suddenly calmed down and his head returned to its normal color. "Honestly, that hooligan I am referring to is my younger brother who lives downstairs. All he does all day is practice his fighting skills, like that will ever do any good." he said as Link climbed out from his hiding place and tried to act as if nothing had happened. "He never studies, the brain is a muscle to! …I think." he then went rambling on about how Link should read some boring papers to help him learn, ignoring the boy's attempts to explain that the brain was actually an organ. "Pipe down! I'm talking! Now read those papers!" the man said finally.
"Never! I want money!" Link said, and went running out, slamming the door behind him, which made the shelves (which had miraculously fixed both themselves and the items they had held) collapse yet again. Link jumped down, ignoring the ladder, and scanned the area for his pig. "Great, now it's gone. I need to know how to fight so that I can teach the freak a lesson!" Link said happily as he entered the bottom level of the freak's house where the 'hooligan' lived. "Orca, I want to learn how to fight!" Link announced as he entered, letting the door slam behind him. Orca was the only person who actually seemed to have a name besides Link and his sister. At least, it was the only one Link knew, despite the fact that he had lived on Outset his whole life. "Ohhhh, Link, it is your birthday already? When did you get so old?" the scarily skinny man asked. "I need to learn how to fight!" Link said again, even louder this time incase the man was hard of hearing.
"From now on, you will have to exercise and get super strong! You came at just the right time, I was just practicing my roll attack. Why don't you try? Just roll towards the wall and hit it with your head."
"That sounds painful… but I'll do it!" Link said, and did what Orca had told him to do. A few seconds later the freak upstairs was shouting down at them to keep it down and that they had knocked everything off of his walls. "My brother is very high strung, he locks himself in his room for hours and just reads." Orca said, and began to ramble on in a manner similar to his brother about how the two hardly ever got along. But Link wasn't listening, instead he was trying to figure out how rolling around would actually help him in combat. Deciding in the end that it wouldn't, the pajama donned boy exited the house, paying no heed to the old man and his one sided conversation. A few minutes later and he was making his way back to the pig man's house, the little black pig back in his hands. He stomped over to the fence and threw it in before talking to the large woman standing nearby. "Oh Link! Did you bring me that little piggy over for me? The boys will be so excited! Here, here's a reward for being so thoughtful." she said."Yeah whatever, just hand it over." Link said. A few seconds later and he had a bright red rupee in his hands. "Yes!"
"You know, now that I think about it, I wouldn't mind having even more of these little guys!" the woman said.
"Will you pay me?" Link asked rudely.
"Sure, why not."
"Then you just found yourself a pet hunter! I'll be back!"
…five hours later…
Link threw the last of the pigs on the island into the fence along with the other six he had caught. "That should be all of them!" Link said. "Now, you haven't paid me for the other three, and there's this one that I caught just now, so you owe me eighty rupees! Pay up!" Link said.
"But I don't have any more money, I just thought you were being nice and didn't want any more money." the woman said, a frown on her face.
"No money, no pigs!" Link said, grabbing the four that hadn't been paid for and tossing into the ocean down below.
"Well, I suppose three is enough. I guess I better start finding names for these little oinky woinkes!" the woman said.
"Yeah, whatever." Link said, and with that set off to finally talk to his grandmother.
"Oh Link!" said a cheerful voice. Link turned and saw that the voice belonged to the young woman who was always carrying pots on her head for some reason (she also had some sort of relation to the big-headed freak, but Link forgot what it was). "What do you want?" Link asked. The two never really got along ever since Link had broken one of the pots she liked to carry around. He had been curious to see what was in them. It had turned out to be empty, but the woman had made Link pay for the damage anyway. "I was talking to your sister the other day, and she said she wanted to learn how to carry pots too! If you see her, could you tell her that all she has to do is walk up to one, pick it up, and then place it on her head? And if she wants to put it down, just set it down! Thanks Link!" the woman said and walked off.
"That's sort of obvious…" Link mumbled as he finally reached the house where his ever patient grandmother was waiting. "Oy, Granny, why did you tell everyone it was my birthday?" Link shouted as he closed the door behind him and fully entered the quaint little house. He sighed when he realized that his grandmother must have gone up to the second floor. It took her forever to climb the ladder (almost all day) and there wasn't even anything up there. He had no idea why she insisted on going up there all the time. She always needed help getting down, and so, of course, she had Link help her. Then he had to pick her up and throw her down and it was just a waste of his precious money making seconds. Before he climbed up he decided to get back at her for causing him so much trouble. He jumped up on the small counter table thing and ran around, causing all the dishes to fall and shatter on the floor. "Muhahahaha!" Link cackled happily as he climbed the ladder.
"Link! There you are!" his smiling grandmother said. "I've been waiting a long time. I can't believe it's your birthday today." she said while Link pouted and crossed his arms over his chest. "Link, try these on!" she said, pulling out a set of green clothes from her giant pocket.
"No way! They're ugly!" Link protested as he grabbed them and swung them around in the air to get a better look at them.
"Now try them on and then Grandma will make you some of your favorite soup, yum!"
"I do like soup… well, I guess wearing these for one day won't hurt." Link said as he slipped into them.
"Look at that! A perfect fit!" his grandmother said happily.
"Can I have soup now?" Link asked.
"No. I have to invite all the villagers over for your party first. Now go find your sister and then come straight back home!"
"Can I have that?" Link asked in a spoiled voice as he pointed towards an old shield on the wall.
His grandmother stared at him, "No."
"But I want it!"
"Go get you sister!"
"Oh fine!" Link stomped out of the house and was about to make his way all the way back to the lighthouse when he stopped, an evil grin spreading over his young face. "I'll show her! I'll steal all of her money!" Link said as he began to crawl under the large porch. A few seconds later and he was entering the basement via a small hole in the wall and grabbing their whole savings that his grandmother had been saving for food. "One hundred rupees! Muhahaha!" After Link finished robbing his parental unit, he marched happily back across the small island. He made it back without anyone stopping him, and he cautiously approached his sister, who was surrounded by her pet seagulls. "Ah! 'Hoy there Link! Wow, those clothes look like they're really warm… I guess they're still neat though." she said as her seagulls flew off, startled by Link's sudden appearance. "Granny wants you back at the house." Link said and was about to leave, mission completed, when Aryll stopped him. "Wait! I've got a present for you! Hold out your hand!"Link did so and he was soon holding his sister's most prized possession. "It's a telescope!" Aryll said.
"No it's not, it's a spyglass! How many times do I have to tell you?" Link said.
"Hey Link, why don't you try it out?"
"I don't want to, that's why."
"Try it!" Aryll shouted at him.
"Ok, fine." he said as he put the 'telescope' to his eye and directed it towards his house. "Hey, there's money up there!" Link said excitedly.
"Hey Link, are you looking at the red post box?" his sister asked.
"Why would I want to look at that?" Link asked in a condescending tone.
"Hey Link, are you looking at the red post box?" Aryll asked again.
"Fine, I'll look at the stupid post box." Link said and pointed his gaze towards the discussed object.
"Hey Link, are you zooming in, because you should be." Aryll said in an almost threatening voice.
"Yep, I'm zooming in right now." Link said quickly.
"That mail delivery guy looks weird, doesn't he?" Aryll asked just as Link saw a strange bird thing drop a few letters into the post box.
"Hey, how do you know what he looks like?" Link asked, pulling away from the spyglass to look at his sister. She was using another spyglass, which looked just like the one she had given him. "I've got backups." she said. "Ah! Link, look up at the sky!" she shouted suddenly. Link went back to his own spyglass and quickly pointed it up. Right there, flying through the thin clouds, was the largest bird Link had ever seen. "That must be the package delivery guy!" Link deduced, right before Aryll gave him a hard slap on his arm. Suddenly a large cannonball went whizzing past the bird, nearly hitting it. "Oh my gosh! The pirates are trying to steal our packages!" Link shouted, dropping the spyglass in his alarm and causing it to break. "Oops."
"Oh here, take this one." Aryll said in a disgusted tone as she handed him her backup spyglass. Link put the piece over his eye and watched as the bird appeared to be trying to catch the next cannonball in its beak. It failed miserably though and dropped something that it had been holding (which Link hadn't noticed before), before falling towards the ocean. The thing turned out to be a person, a young girl in fact, who looked no older than Link. He watched as she fell into the forest that was farther inland. "Oh Link, this is horrible. That girl needs help, but there are monsters in the forest, how are you going to help her?" Aryll asked as Link tried to balance her last spyglass on the tip of his finger. "Whoa, what? Who said I was going to save her?" Link said, the panic visible on his face.
"I did! Now go find a weapon and some training, and then get your lazy self over to that forest!" Aryll said, pushing Link (she had incredible strength for someone her age) off of the tower so he fell quite hard on the wood for the second time that day. Link trudged miserably back to the freak's and Orca's house, bumping into the pot carrying woman along the way. "Oh Link, what was that horrible sound? Did something happen? If some monster tries to attack me, know what I'd do? I'd throw rocks at them! Just pick some rocks up and toss them. You can handle that, can't you?" she said in a worried and concerned voice.
"I know how to throw rocks!" Link shouted as he entered Orca's part of the house and quickly closed the door behind him before the woman decided to follow him and offer more obvious advice. "Orca, there's this girl who fell into the forest and for some reason I'm the only one who can do anything about it so I need you to teach me how to fight… for real this time if you please! None of this stupid rolling around stuff!" Link said.
"Ohhhhh Link, what has happened, you have some urgent look about you." Orca said.
"I just told you what happened!"
"Well, whatever it is, perhaps you will require some fighting skills? What say you Link? Would you like some serious instruction in swordplay?"
"Nah, I'm good, just hand over the sword." Link said, stretching out his arm in front of him.
"Very well then, let the training commence!" Orca shouted.
"Wha…? I already told you, I am Link, your future world dominator! Just hand over the darn sword, I know how to use it!"
Orca shrugged, "Ok then." he said in an annoyingly mysterious voice.
"Ahha! Now I have complete power! None can stop me!" Link said, grabbing the small sword eagerly and holding it above his head in a way similar to how he had held the pigs. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." Orca said, referring to how the sword was being held.
"Silence old fool!" Link said, but before he could say anything else the sword slipped from his hands and would've hit his head had Orca not been there to grab it. "Well, maybe a brief introduction wouldn't hurt…" Link mumbled.
…one hour later…
Link finally passed the 'brief' introduction, which had been surprisingly tricky, especially the forward thrust thing… "I do not know what has happened Link, but I trust you enough to give you this sword. Treat it well." Orca said.
"Yeah, whatever." Link said as he left the house and ran towards the forest. He ran up the path that spiraled up the tall mountain where the forest resided, only to be blocked by a wall of small trees. His sister was also there, her arms crossed and one of her small feet tapping impatiently on the ground. "What took you so long?" she asked. "Well it doesn't matter, you have to get past these trees somehow."
"Gee, that'll be hard." Link said, however the sarcasm was lost on his sister.
"Use your sword to cut them down already!" she said in a frustrated voice.
"Yes, I could do that, oh but wait! I've got another idea, it might just work…" Link said and he slid calmly between two of the trees. "Well what do you know? It worked!" Link said as his sister glared at him from the other side of the trees. "You're doing it all wrong!" she shouted at him before stomping off back to the village. Link shrugged and then cautiously made his way to the bridge that led over a steep ravine and to the forest. "Well, here goes nothing." Link said as he stepped onto the bridge. "Oh no! There's some missing boards here!" Link said. And sure enough there was a small hole, easily jumpable, set in the swinging bridge. "Guess I'll just go home." Link happily turned around and was about to do just what he had said when suddenly he heard the small pitter patter of little feet coming up the path. "Booger kid! Nooooo!" Link shouted and turned around, ran over the bridge, and entered the forest without a second thought. Booger kid (I don't know his real name…) watched Link before a dark shadow passed over his face. "You may have escaped this time, but you can't stay in the forest forever! Muhahahaha!"
Inside the forest Link nearly ran into a weird looking pig monster thing with an umbrella stick as a weapon. "What's with the umbrella?" Link asked.
"It's not an umbrella! Why does everyone ask me that!" The monster asked, and went running off in tears.
"Strange fellow." Link said thoughtfully as he made his way deeper into the forest. He finally made it to the area where the girl was; she was hanging unconscious on a tree branch that looked like it was about to break any minute now. Despite Link's curiosity to see if someone could survive a fall from that height, he decided to help her out and try to get her down. Before he could take two steps though two more weird looking monsters were dropped right in front of him by a pair of colorful birds. "You the one who insulted our friend by calling his weapon an umbrella stick?" one of them asked in a gruff voice.
"Um…no?" Link said hesitantly.
"Oh, but he said you did."
"Then your friend is a rotten liar!" Link shouted.
"You're right! We'll get him!" the two pointed their 'weapons' to the sky and (wouldn't you know it) pressed a button, revealing that they really were umbrellas after all. "You'll never catch us!" they said as they floated back up.
At this point the girl woke up and started to bounce around on the tree branch she was hanging on. "Wheeee!" she said, but her fun didn't last long as the branch finally gave way and she fell to the ground with a thud. Link ran up to her, mainly to see if she was dead and whether or not she had any rupees on her. The girl stood up and scanned Link and his choice of apparel. "Ewwww, those are so ugly!" she said. But before Link could agree with her a big stupid looking man, whose upper body was huge compared to his legs, came into sight, "Miss Tetra!" he shouted, and while he said this he ran in place. Apparently he couldn't talk and actually move at the same time. "Miss Tetra, thank goodness you're alright. We thought you might have been dead when this bird dropped you on the summit." he said when he finally reached them.
"Summit eh? This bird dropped me on a mountain. Well then let's go, time to repay our debt to that bird in full!" she said. "No really, we kind of owe him fifty rupees for delivering our pizza, in less than thirty minutes too!" she said and went running off.
"But Miss, what about this boy and his ugly clothes?"
"Don't worry about him, let's go!" Link decided that there might be a reward in saving her (even though he hadn't really done anything), so he followed the two out of the forest only to be met by his sister, who was on the other side of the bridge. "Link, I have finally used my seagulls to take over the world, I totally beat you!" she said, waving happily. Link and his new found 'friends' were too far away to hear what she had said however, and Link simply waved back nervously. Suddenly the large bird came out of nowhere and started to swoop towards his sister, who was making her way across the bridge, getting ready to hand Link his new orders as one of her minions. Link gave out a small scream when the bird grabbed her and began to fly away with a loud screech, "Noooo! Now Granny will be too worried about her! I won't get my soup!" he said, horrified. "Aren't you going to try and save her?" Tetra asked angrily.
"How? I'd be stupid to try and jump off the cliff, and besides-" but before he could finish Tetra shoved him off of the cliff and then grabbed his arm.
"No stupid kid! She's gone, there's nothing you can do!" she said dramatically.
"Wha…? What is wrong with you?"
After awhile the three headed back to the village, where the large pirate ship was waiting. "How many times do I have to tell them? The ship can't go close to the shore!" Tetra said, and went running off, screaming at the crew that her ship wasn't a little fishing boat. Link followed, since he had nothing better to do. A few minutes later Tetra had everything settled and then she turned to Link. "What? You want to come on my ship?" she said suddenly.
"What? Um…no." Link said, looking behind him to make sure there was no one there that she might have been talking to.
"Do you know who we are? We're pirates! You know, terror of the seas! I can't have some kid running around!" she said.
"Um, ok. You're absolutely right!" Link said, trying to play along with the crazed captain.
"And how do you figure that?" A voice said mysteriously.The small group turned to see the postal service worker (the weird bird man) standing there, his wings folded in front of him. "Hey, where do you get off butting into other people's conversations?" the big stupid pirate asked, doing a weird dance thing.
"Yeah, stupid mail man! Shut up!" Link hissed at the bird.
"Now please be quiet and let me finish." the bird said, and then went into this big, long,boring story about how young girls with long ears were being kidnapped and that it was Tetra's fault that Aryll was taken. When he said this Link clapped quietly for her, but everyone ignored him. "So, you should take Link with you to the Forsaken Fortress." the mail carrier concluded, much to the relief of the others.
"Hmph, you don't have to tell me that!" Tetra said. "Even if I was to bring you, the Forsaken Fortress is really scary and big. You'll need a shield or something."
"But I don't even want to go!" Link protested.
"I don't care, go find a shield, say goodbye to your family and friends so you don't get all homesick and weepy, and then get on the stupid ship!" Tetra scolded.
"Fine." Link trudged off dejectedly, looking back at the group every once in a while with an angry expression on his face, the kind three year olds get when they don't get their way. He decided that he would say goodbye to everyone first and then go get the shield, that way he had a chance that his grandmother would finish the soup before he left. "I came to say goodbye so that I don't get all homesick and weepy." Link said to the grass cutting man.
"Hey Link, I'll even let you keep whatever you find if you cut my grass for me." the grass cutting man said.
"Really? Sweet!" Link said, and pulled his sword out before swinging it around, nearly hurting himself several times. All he got for his efforts though was a few green rupees here and there. "There, done." Link said, panting. "Now, goodbye."
"People drop the strangest things sometimes, so cutting the grass isn't a thankless job!" the man said.
Link stared at him, "…Ok then. See you later." he said and quickly walked away. His next stop was with the freak and Orca. He went to Orca first. "I came to say goodbye so I don't get all homesick and weepy." Link said cheerfully.
"Ohhhhh Link, are you here for some more training with the sword?"
"Um, no. I came to say goodbye!" Link said, pronouncing every thing very clearly.
"Then let the training commence!" Orca shouted.
"Oh whatever." Link said and left the house, leaving Orca to battle one of his many pots. Link entered the freak's room next. "I came to say goodbye so I… oh forget it." he said when the freak began to start talking about his organizational issues. He went back on the dirt path outside that led to the different houses and was about to start heading to his grandmother's house when he spotted pig man and his two kids: the normal one and the one that needed a tissue. "I came to say goodbye, I might die you know." Link said when he was within their hearing range. "Hey Link, are you going somewhere?" asked the normal kid.
"Don't go!" said the… other kid.
"Link! I just saw a… a wild pig!"
…ten minutes later…
"Granny! I'm off to save the world so that I can take over it later! Got any soup?" Link shouted as soon as he entered his home. It had taken awhile to extricate himself from the three pig lovers, and then he had had to say farewell to the pig lady, which hadn't really taken long. Then there was the pot lady, but all she had said was: "If something tries to attack you, just pick up a rock and throw it at him! You can handle that, can't you?"
"Link, is something wrong? Tell Grandmamma what happened." his grandmother said anxiously.
"Yeah, whatever. I'll take that as a no. I wanted soup!" Link said, stomping his foot on the floor. His grandmother had somehow made it down from the second floor on her own, so Link couldn't break any more of her dishes without getting into trouble. Sulkily, Link climbed the ladder to grab the shield. "It's gone!" he shouted when he saw the empty wall where the wooden shield used to hang. "Grandma must have stolen it! I'm never talking to her again!" he said and angrily began to stomp down the ladder. However his stomping put too much force on the thin wooden beams and he fell through the rest of the way. "Ow, stupid ladder! Grandma? You've got the shield! How did you manage that, it's too high up for you!"
"Link, is this what you are looking for?" his grandmother asked, ignoring her grandson. She pulled it out from behind her and showed it to him. Link simply wore this dumb expression on his face as he tried to figure out how she had gotten it down from the wall on her own. "Take it with you Link." she said.
"Yes! It's all mine!" Link said, waving it around in the air to show it off. "Now nothing can stop me! Muhahaha- ow! Splinter! Mommy!" Link started to cry at this point and it took awhile for his grandmother to calm him down. "Now, where was I? Oh yes! Muhahahahahahahaha!" he said after he had finally stopped his whining.
"Why would someone kidnap such a sweet little girl?" his grandmother asked, ignoring Link's cackling and beginning to cry herself.
"Well I don't know about your choice of adjectives… she's not really sweet…" Link said. "Ack! Sorry, stop crying!" Link said as his grandmother began to cry even louder. Finally Link couldn't take it anymore. "Ahha! Take this!" Link said, hitting the old lady on the head with his shield, causing her to enter the land of unconsciousness. "Now, onwards to victory!" Link shouted, and left the house without a second thought. On his way out he stopped. A small boat was drifting near the shore, bobbing along with the small waves. "Hmm, I wonder whose boat this is?" Link asked no one in particular as he entered the ocean in order to reach the boat, whose main floatation device seemed to be two large barrels tied to each side. Not exactly safe for open waters. He entered the boat and saw a strange little man sitting behind a lowdown counter, different items scattered along this surface. "Oooooo, a customer!" the man said. "I am Beedle, from Beedle's shop ship… or is it ship shop? Or maybe ship shape ship shop! Anyway, buy something! Buy buy buy!"
"Ok…" Link said as he gazed at the items. "Oh hey look! A pear! I want it!"
"You can't hold that yet, you need a bait bag. Lucky for you, I've got one!" The man said and pointed towards a small pink bag with a face of a pig on it (not a real pig mind you).
"Ewww, it's ugly! I just want the pear."
"You need the bag first."
"But I'm just going to eat it right away!"
"Just buy the stupid bag!"
"Alright fine!" So Link bought the bag (with the money he had stolen from his grandmother), and then was about to buy the pear when suddenly the man got all excited. "Oooooo, thank you! I'm going to give you a point card thingy. If you collect thirty points, you will get something good! You can get points anywhere in Beedle's ship shape shop ship!"
"Yeah, whatever. Can I have my pear now?"
"Sure!" (Link bought the pear) "Thank you! Now you have two points! Buy more stuff to get more points!"
"Finally! I'm hungry!" Link was about to eat his pear but the man stopped him.
"No food or drink in here." he said, pointing to a partially hidden sign.
"Oh fine!" Link marched outside and swam back to shore. He then pulled the pear out of his new bait bag and was about to eat it when he got the inexplicable urge to place the pear on his head. He did just that, and suddenly a large seagull came and grabbed it, neatly swallowing it in one gulp. "Darn! Now I need another one!" Link said and turned around to go back to the ship shop. But the ship was gone, a small sign was in its place: Gone for lunch, back in three weeks. "Nooooo!" Link shouted, shaking his fist angrily at the bird that had stolen his lunch. Link walked back to where the pirates and the annoying mail carrier were waiting. "Took you long enough!" Tetra said grumpily. "We've been waiting for three hours now! Wow, that's a decrepit looking shield, are you sure it won't break? Are you going to get splinters and cry?"
"I don't know anything about that!" Link snapped at her. "Can we just go now?"
"Well hold on, we need to load the ship with fresh supplies!"
"How long will that take?"
"About three hours."
"…Why didn't you do it while I was gone? We could be leaving by now!"
"Well excuse us! Just for that, you're doing it on your own! That'll take you at least the rest of the day, so hah!" And with that Tetra and the rest of her crew left the shore and returned to the large ship that seemed to be drifting away from the island."Link, I'm very sorry for all this," the mail man/bird began, ignoring Link's grumblings that he should be. "if you ever need help, come to my island. My people would be glad to offer you any aid."
"You mean there's more of you?" Link asked, dropping a large barrel of fresh water in surprise.
"Um…yes?" the bird said hesitantly.
"Stupid bird people… this is all your fault! I could be enjoying soup right about now but noooo! Somebody actually thought I liked my scary sister and that I wanted to go rescue her! She's probably already found a way to escape by now anyway." Link grumbled irritably.
…Meanwhile, in the Forsaken Fortress…
"Ahhahahaha! I have complete control over the seagulls!" Aryll cackled as her fellow prisoners cowered in a corner. The large birds were circling the room, attacking anyone who dared to move. "Um, excuse me, but can't you use your powers to save us?" asked one of the girls.
"Never! I need to talk to the guy who's in charge first. I want to make a deal with him! You losers are on your own! Ahahahaha!" Aryll said happily. "In the mean time… who wants to hear embarrassing stories about my stupid brother?"
…Back on Outset Island…
Link was finally finished with the supplies and so the pirates were able to set off to find the giant fortress. The entire village was gathered near the shore to say their final farewells, except for Link's grandmother who had climbed up to the second floor of her house and was once again stuck. They all waved and shouted out advice, all except for the creepy little kid, who was muttering to himself, "You may have escaped this time Link, but you can't stay on the ocean forever, you have to land eventually! And when you do, I'll be waiting! Muhahahahaha!"
Link waved back at them until Tetra finally got bored. "Link, I can't have you in the way, so go talk to Niko or whatever his name is. He's down below." she said, shoving Link towards the door that led to the lower deck. "But I want ice cream!" Link whined.
"Get moving slacker!"
"Ok fine!" Link slammed the door behind him, causing the big stupid pirate (whose upper body was gigantic compared to his legs) to startle and fall overboard. None of the other pirates noticed this until a few hours later, and then they had to go all the way back. All this was unbeknownst to Link as he approached a pirate who was blocking the entrance to a large room. "Uhhhh, you can't come in here, this is Miss Tetra's room!" the pirate said.
"Are you Niko?"
"Want to know why we all treat Tetra with such respect?"
"Not really…"
"Well, she may look young, but she's actually thirty-five! Har har har! That's a joke shrimpy!"
"…"
"She took on a lot when our last captain left. We really respect her for that."
"That's great." Link said in a voice that said he didn't care at all. "Now where's Niko?"
"Oh he's down there." the pirate said, pointing down a small flight of stairs.
"Hey there shrimpy!" said Niko when Link appeared. He was very short, something Link proved to him continuously by bonking the pirate on the head every now and then with his shield. "So, I'm going to give you a test that all new pirates have to take! You have to swing on those lanterns from platform to platform until you reach that room over there!" Niko said, as he showed Link how to do it and landed next to the mentioned room. "So, if you aren't fast enough the platforms will fall after a while. This will probably take you a whole year to accomplish, one rough year, one tough year, full of bruises and-"
"Done!" Link announced, landing next to the small man.
"What? Already! Well fine, but you can't have the treasure!" Niko began to cackle maniacally, but Link pushed past him and pulled the chest that was there, open.
"Another bag! Aw man, I wanted something that was actually useful!" Link said, stuffing his new purple spoils bag into his giant pocket. Suddenly Tetra's voice drifted over to them from above, " 'Oy Link, get your lazy bum up here, we've reached the Fortress!"
"Already, but I've got so much more stuff to teach you!" Niko protested.
"Yeah whatever little guy, see you!" Link said and ran back outside. "Oh my gosh! That stupid test really did take me a year!" Link shouted. It had been early morning when he had joined Niko, and now it was nearing midnight. "Keep your voice down!" Tetra shouted back at him from the crow's nest thing. "Get up here!"
"Ok." Link said and climbed the ladder up for what felt like hours. "I made it!" Link announced when he finally reached the top.
"Good for you." Tetra said grumpily. "What were you and Niko doing anyway?" she asked. "Don't tell me you were playing some stupid game." she said at the same time that Link said that he had been playing a stupid game. "For treasure!" he added happily.
"Treasure eh? Well whatever. Take a look at the Forsaken Fortress. We'll never get past all those spot lights."
"How do you know? Did you try?" Link asked.
"As a matter of fact, we did!" Tetra said cheerfully, pointing towards two pirates who were being arrested for trying to swim in."Hey, look at all those seagulls! I'll bet that's where your sister is!" she said, while Link made a mental note to not go towards that window. "This is not good, how are we going to get in?" Tetra said, then she suddenly got an idea. "I've got an idea!" she said.
The pirates loaded Link into a barrel and placed this barrel onto one of their catapults. For some reason, though, Link didn't even notice what they were doing until they were just about to launch him. "Don't worry, we do this all the time!" Tetra reassured him while he tried to struggle out of the large barrel.
"Hup, come on, come on, hup!" Link began to say, over and over again.
The pirates stared at him while he did this until finally Tetra spoke up: "Oh just launch him already, it'll shut him up!" And sure enough it did. Link began to scream when he realized that he was heading towards the room where his scary sister was being held. But, fortunately, he just missed it. He hit the wall (rather hard) instead; and his sword went flying out of his pocket and landed, conveniently enough, next to the door that led to the jail. "Great, now I have to head there to get my sword back!" Link said after he had landed in the water below. He was headed towards some stairs when suddenly he felt a strange vibration in his pocket. He reached in and pulled out a small glowing stone. "Ooooo it's so pretty! My precious!" Link said, gazing at the pretty blue color.
"Link, stop talking like that, it's creepy." Tetra's voice emanated from the stone. "So, looks like you have some walking to do, just don't get caught by the guards."
"Noooo, the stone talks, and it sounds like someone I used to know…" Link said thoughtfully. "Bleh, I don't really like it anymore." And with a small shrug he tossed it into the water, just as Tetra was telling him not to lose the stone. "Oops."
/So? Did anyone like it? Was it horrible? This is my first attempt at a longer story so it might take awhile between chapters... I'm going to try to get one up at least once a week. Also, I haven't read all of the other fanfiction stories out there, so if I've accidently copied some one else's joke, and it's bothering that person, just let me know and I'll be happy to change it. :-)