Title: It should have been different
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: CSI, not mine! ((Still)) Imagination, mine totally my fault and responsibility!
Summary: Things shouldn't have happened this way, it should have been different. Sara & Grissom then Sara & Greg
Note: Came up with the idea after listening to a heavy dose of Snow Patrol. My way to get the MISTAKE of the producers back to normal- sorry GSR fans.
It shouldn't be this way; I should be joyous, ecstatic. But I'm not; I'm the complete opposite to what I should be given the situation.
Didn't I wish for it to be this way? Didn't I want this so desperately? But now it is here, I don't want it. I made a mistake, I'd never realised it before now, but it is a little too late isn't it?
I've always wanted Gil Grissom; he's intrigued me since I first met him. He is so unusual and cryptic; I wanted desperately to know how to make him tick. I loved everything about him; he just seemed perfect for me. He had a high regard of the job as a CSI and he seemed on a never ending quest to find all the knowledge he could. Grissom was always so withdrawn, he shut people out, and he didn't seem to comprehend simple human compassion. I always dreamt of the day when he opened up, let me in.
But it wasn't all it cracked up to be.
Grissom didn't make me feel as special as I hoped; he didn't seem to want it. It was cold, neither of us really knowing what was going to happen and what it would make us feel. I always thought that sleeping with Grissom would make me feel something new, a rush of excitement. But it didn't. I didn't feel anything I expected.
I didn't really feel anything.
Well, I didn't feel anything related to Grissom…
It was strange; I thought I'd feel this wild burning passion for Grissom. But it wasn't there, it had been when I first met him, but now… I think I may have extinguished it somewhere down the line; I'd have to retrace my steps to find out where. When the time was right for Grissom, it was past the time for me.
Now I sit on the edge of Grissom's bed, feeling ashamed of myself. I feel guilty, because I didn't know what I wanted. I thought that sleeping with him was what I wanted, but all the time my mind was elsewhere, thinking about someone else.
There it is again, that nauseating sensation in the pit of my stomach because I feel that I did something wrong. Grissom was able to open up to someone, forget about work and risk it all and I'm not even slightly grateful for it!
I get up and rush into the bathroom, and start retching. I'm disgusted with myself; this is not the Sara Sidle I'm supposed to be. I'm not meant to be feeling this way, so I splash my face with some cold water and look in the mirror, I look a state, and he'll be able to tell that there is something wrong.
I unlock the door, and lean on the frame watching him. He looks so peaceful and so content; maybe I've managed to unlock the hidden Gil Grissom? He rolls over muttering something about bugs in his sleep, that is typical of him. I stand there waiting that he's settled completely again before walking around the room, collecting my items of clothing where they had been discarded earlier.
"I'm sorry Grissom." I whisper more for my reassurance than his, "I just can't do this, I'm so sorry."
A feather kiss on the top of his forehead and I'm gone. I know what I have to do.
It should have been different. It should have been me going home with someone that has waited for me all these years. It should have been me turning Grissom away, it should have all been different.
I wish it was.
A/N: Next part will be up soon... Promise you!