Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the property of JKR.
Summary: It's the Fifth Year. Harry is super angsty. Ron's Confidence meter is at negative twenty. Hermione gets anonymous er..love notes. Malfoy is super, super whiny. And everyone is paranoid!
A/N : Warning: this is a totally insane story!
Chapter One : Kings, Capital Letters and Therapies
Hermione Granger was having a bad week.
No doubt about that. A very bad week.
May be, if she had continued with her Divination classes she could have predicted it…er, most likely not! In any case she was wishing that she could have been anywhere but in the Hogwarts castle at the moment.
It started with a near perfect normal Monday morning. Brimming over with excitement as she literally skipped her way to the first classes of the week–with her best friends slouching along behind her in their typical Monday Morning Blues–she flashed a smile at everyone. Yes, it was perfect. She had answered every question asked–and even some that weren't asked. She went pink with joy as they were given loads and loads of homework. Yay! She could now spend so much more time in the library than usual, she thought happily even as her fellow students muttered darkly under their breaths about doing unmentionable, decidedly homicidal, things to their professors.
Life was perfect, she thought contentedly, as she dragged a hapless Harry and Ron to her favorite corner in the library. She gave a big smile to Madam Pince on the way, to which the batty librarian gave a curt nod and a tight little smile on her withered lips; after all the bushy haired girl was the only one who spent as much time as her in her revered domain. Harry and Ron, who had watched the exchange, turned to share a look and roll their eyes. Hermione sat down in her well worn seat at a table behind the shelf filled with books about domestic spells and charms, as for some reason no one seemed much interested in them and as a result this was the least visited section of the library–which suited Hermione perfectly for she could work undisturbed in her cocoon.
She breathed in the smell of fresh parchment as she carefully laid out her work on the table, then did the same with Harry and Ron's books, extracting them from their school bags, as the said duo sat in identical postures, morosely resting their heads on their arms. She tutted at them–surely doing work isn't that bad, and certainly didn't warrant their funereal expressions, she thought, as she herself quivered with excitement. Ah! Books! give me large dusty never-ending tomes and I'd be happy for life!
She opened the Fifth Year Intermediate Transfiguration text book and started on the six foot essay Professor McGonagall had set them. After about fifteen minutes a quarter of the parchment was filled with her neat yet very cramped writing, as though she doubted that whatever she wanted to write about the topic could ever fit into a mere six feet, she put her eagle quill down and dove into her bag for a reference book. She paused as she spotted her two friends in the same position as before, except now Ron seemed to be dozing lightly on his crossed arms and Harry was staring off into space. She carefully picked up the rather heavy textbook and whacked them both soundly on their heads.
"OW!" both of them screamed in unison. Ron fell out of his chair in shock.
"Whadya do that for?" he muttered crossly with his blue eyes watering pain as he lay sprawled on the dusty floor in a rather undignified position. Harry was gingerly rubbing the top of his head, glaring at his supposed 'best friend'; he felt sure that his brain was still bouncing along in his cranium from the impact because he had trouble focusing on the bushy haired image and bright lights kept erupting in front of his cornea.
Hermione primly set the book down, opened to the correct page and continued with her essay. With the assaulted two still glaring murderously at her in question, she looked up after a few minutes and fixed them with a stern stare that could rival Minerva McGonagall's. The two shrank back.
"Now boys", she started deliberately, "you can't just sit and waste your precious time, especially this year. As you aware that this is our OWL year and that means that it is eminent that we spend every waking sec-"
"Oh, just shut it will you!" Ron exclaimed as Hermione looked beyond scandalized. "We know that it is the cruddy OWL year! All the professors remind us that every single BLOODY day! Now, we don't need YOU to keep-"
"RONALD! Watch your language!" Hermione snapped loudly and narrowed her eyes at the redhead. "If you know that and don't need me reminding you, then why don't you open your books and do your work - without me reminding you for once!"
"Coz I don't WANT to do any work! And we wouldn't even have got this STUPID essay if you hadn't gone to McGonagall and ASKED for it!"
"Don't you dare call this stupid! This happens to be a very important topic that may surely appear in our OWLS as it has already appeared in the previous two exams-"
"I don't care!I just want to go out and play Quidditch like me and Harry had originally planed, if you weren't being your usual goody-goody self then I would not have to sit here getting assaulted with damn books in this stupid- stupid lib-"
"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY! Don't you DARE finish that sentence! And for your information,I only asked Professor McGonagall so that rest of the class wouldn't lose marks in the OWLs on such an important quest-"
Ron who had progressively turned as red as his fiery hair burst out, "Just stuff itwith your OWLs already!"
"-ion! And there's no point in you playing Quidditch", she continued, her hair turning more frizzier and seemed to crackle with electricity, "seeing that everyone else knows that you are no great shakes at it either or do you seem to think mistakenly otherwise!"
This was a low blow, a very low blow, but Hermione was too furious with the way Ron had insulted her revered books to stop to consider what she had just said.
It was actually quite morbidly funny to watch Ron face turn from a ruddy red to as white as parchment as all the blood seemed to drain from it. His eyes grew comically large, not believing that she had just said what he thought she said. To say that he was bothered by the "Weasley is our king" taunts, almost continually everyday since the last match, was an understatement to say the least. His stomach seemed to turn over and he felt himself shrinking in his seat as his ears quickly assumed a brilliant scarlet hue.
Hermione immediately felt sorry for him and was ashamed with herself, but-but he called her a goody-goody and the library(which was a sacred place in her book) stupid! That could not be forgiven! The vindictive part of her brain called out loudly over her conscience. Serves him right! It yelled, as she set her previous glare at him.
Ron, on the other hand, in his moment of extreme mortification glared doubly at her, somehow reasoning that it was all her fault and the stupid library's fault that he was now so embarrassed and not playing that bloody Quidditch game with bloody Harry on the bloody pitch, instead he was sitting here in this bloody library with so much bloody work that he doubted that it would ever be completed in his bloody life time and getting hit on his bloody head with a bloody book—(well you get the gist).
Harry meanwhile watched his furious friends giving each other Avada Kedavra looks. His head had stopped spinning a long time ago and was now ringing with his friends' voices. He felt his own anger bubbling to the surface. Those idiots ALWAYS bicker and bicker and bicker some more! Its like they have nothing else in their lives but to bicker and tear each other down! And what about HIM! Did either of them ever stop to consider him in their happy little spats?NO! he was ALWAYS ignored its like he was nonexistent in their cozy bicker paradise or whatever! HOW DARE THEY? No one ignores him-- he was Harry FRICKIN' Potter! He could get friends who would LINE up to watch him in awe at his beck and call and NOT ignore him! Yeah! Maybe he should get new friends—!
"You two are SO infuriating! Can't a guy live in peace for TWO minutes without you start SHOUTING at each other!" He stood up dramatically and banged his fist on the table (ow! That hurt!), "But NO! there's no stopping YOU lot! It's always about YOU, YOU and YOU! But what about ME! HUH? DO EITHER OF YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ME? I BET NOT! WHY WOULD YOU LOT THINK ABOUT A POOR ORPHAN?"
Ron who was gaping like a fish at his friend recovered a bit and muttered, "You are hardly poor, Harry, quite the contrary. I heard that you have a rather large vault in Gringotts-"
"THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT! I HAPPEN TO HAVE LOST MY PARENTS WHEN I WAS A YEAR OLD! I HAPPEN TO BE THE TARGET OF A DERANGED LUNATIC! I HAPPEN TO ESCAPE FROM THAT LOATHSOME SNAKE FACED GIT, WHO MAKES SNAPE LOOK LIKE BRAD PITT, SO MANY TIMES THAT I'VE LOST COUNT! I HAPPEN TO BE THE ONE DUMPED ON DURSLEYS' FRONT STEPS AS AN INFANT! I HAPPEN TO BE DUDLEY'S ANGER RELEASE OUTLET FOR ELEVEN FREAKING YEARS!"
"Er..who's Brad Pitt?" Ron asked looking confused.
"He's a very handsome and hunkaliscious actor in the muggle movies," Hermione answered Ron promptly. He looked at her strangely for saying 'hunkaliscious' though not knowing what it meant exactly. She continued addressing Harry, "And Harry, you technically faced you-know-who a total of four times- if you take into account you seeing him in the Forbidden Forest in our first year, although he was in Professor Quirrel's body at the time, so I'm not sure if that technically counts. Also in our second year you only saw Riddle's memory and again I'm not sure if that-"
"THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT!", Harry yelled again, his green eyes glinting dangerously behind his glasses, "I FACED HIM MORE TIMES THAN ANYONE! I SAVED THE SORCEROR'S STONE FROM HIM IN OUR FIRST YEAR!"
"It's the 'Philosopher's Stone' according to the British edition," Hermione informed him dutifully.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT FREAKING STONE! THAT IS BESIDE THE POINT!", Harry's coal black hair was standing on the end, " I SAVED GINNY IN SECOND YEAR! I KILLED THAT BUTT-UGLY BASILISK WITH A FREAKING SWORD GIVEN TO ME BY THAT BRAINLESS HAT, LIKE I COULD SOMEHOW LEARN HOW TO SWORD FIGHT IN A SECOND WHILE THAT FREAKING REPTILE WAS INCHES FROM BITING MY ARSE! AND THEN I HAD TO KILL THAT TOM WEIRDO RIDDLE BY STABBING A FREAKING INANIMATE OBJECT AND WONDER FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE LIFE IF I NEEDED THERAPY! I HAD TO FIGHT OFF A HUNDRED DEMENTORS WHO WERE ATTRACTED TO MY BUTT OR SOMETHING! I WAS THE ONE WHO FOUND OUT THAT MY FREAKING GODFATHER WAS AN ESCAPED CONVICT AND WONDER IF HE NEEDED THERAPY AND HOW TO PERSUADE HIM TO VISIT THAT FREAKING SHRINK DUDLEY WENT TO DURING THE SUMMER! I WAS FORCED TO BE IN THE THAT STUPID FREAKINGTRIWIZARD THING! YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT DUE TO PROGRESS OF HUMANITY SUCH BARBARIC THINGS WOULD BE NON-EXISTENT OR SOMETHING! BUT NO! APPARENTLY THE WHOLE FREAKING WIZARD WORLD STILL LIVES IN THE MIDDLE AGES, JUDGING BY THESE STUPID PANSY ROBES THAT EVERYONE HERE WEARS! WHAT IS WITH THAT?WHY CAN'T WE WEAR FREAKING TROUSERS OR SOMETHING THAT WOULDN'T MAKE THE MUGGLES SUSPICIOUS- HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO MAINTAIN SECRECY WHEN WE GO FLOUNCING ABOUT IN THESE NIGHT GOWNS LIKE PONCY FREAKS? CAN'T WIZARDS DO MAGIC WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A GIRL? DOES THE SOURCE OF MAGIC COME FROM THE OPEN SPACE BETWEEN THE LE-"
"HARRY!" Hermione yelled.
"OH, DON'T YOU HARRY ME! I WAS THE ONE THERE WHEN THAT FREAK WAS REBORN OR SOMETHING! THANK MERLIN AND ALL OTHERS IN SWEET HEAVEN THAT THE FUMES WERE THICK THAT NIGHT OR I WOULD HAVE BEEN PERMANENTLY SCARRED MENTALLY SEEING THAT UGLY GIT IN FULL MONTY!"
"Too much information Harry!" Ron wailed clapping his hand over his eyes, even as his mind unhelpfully supplied with that horrifying image. Ron whimpered and attempted to claw the disturbing image out of his eyes.
"I HAD TO ESCAPE HIM – AGAIN AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS? I GET ATTACKED – AGAIN – BY A NUTTER WHO FREAKING SEEMED TO LOVE THAT SNAKE GIT! WHY CAN'T SOME GONE CASE LOVE ME LIKE THAT AND ATTEMPT TO KILL THE PALE FREAK FOR ONCE? BUT NO! I HAVE TO DO THE DIRTY WORK MYSELF! 'COZ THAT IDIOT DUMBLEDORE CAN'T USE UNDERHANDEDNESS- 'COZ THAT WON'T BE NOBLE! NOBLE, MY ASS! IF HE WANTS TO BE NOBLE THEN HE IS WELCOME TO BE KIDNAPPED BY VOLDY THE NEXT TIME! OH, HE MAKES ME SO MAD I WANT TO CHEW MY ARM OFF! ALWAYS PRETENDS LIKE HE KNOWS EVERYTHING THAT GOES AROUND! WELL, HELLO! IF YOU KNOW WHATS GOING ON THEN FREAKING DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT AND STOP MAKING YOUR STUPID EYES TWINKLE EVERYTIME WITH THAT CHARM I KNOW YOU USE! I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THAT THE OLD 'I LOVE SUCKING LEMON DROPS' COOT IS OFF HIS ROCKER AND NOT BEING WONDERFULLY ENIGMATIC LIKE EVERYONE BELIEVES HE IS! I AM SURROUNDED BY ST -MUNGO'S -INCURABLE -WARD -WORTHY PEOPLE! OH GOD THEY NEED HELP! BLOODY HELL! I NEED HELP AND LOTS OF FREAKING THERAPY! OH GOD I-"
Harry seemed to have stopped his tirade at last and slammed his fist onto the table again for effect (Ow, again!). Then he yelped loudly as a hand shot out and twisted his ear painfully. His eyes watering he turned to see who was attempting to tear his ear off. He shrank back quickly as he found the furious face of the ancient librarian in his. Madame Pince was baring her teeth and breathing heavily through the nose.
"You nasty little cretin! This is a sacred place where silence is valued above all, but your head seems to be too thick to grasp that--shouting like a lunatic! Such appalling behavior," she hissed through her teeth as Harry shrunk further back. "If you so much as breath loudly the next time you're here, banning you from the library is the mildest thing I will do to you!" she finished that with such a malevolent look that said surviving Avada Kedavra would be a walk in the park compared to whatever she planned to do to him. He gulped.
"Now out! Get out!" she said dragging him by the ear towards the entrance.
Harry looked at her horrified and wondered if she was related to Voldemort in some way, who by the way was beginning to look like a bunny rabbit compared to hackles–raised librarian, or perhaps all the time spent surrounded by books had made her go psycho; he dully hoped Hermione's fate would be different. Madame Pince released his ear and shoved him out of the library, slamming the door in his face. He got up from the floor, one hand rubbing his sore bum on which he had landed painfully and the other feeling around his numb ear to see if it had detached from the side of his head. Muttering darkly under his breath about how certain people needed to see the shrink again, he made his way to the Hospital Wing to let Madam Pomfrey check his ear just to be sure. On his way, still clutching his throbbing ear, he thought smugly about his tirade. Ha! I certainly showed those two that they are not the only ones who could talk in capitals! I'm like the king of speaking in capitals! Yay! Go me!
Inside in the library his two friends sat shocked, frozen at what had just happened. Hermione brought her hand up to her face and wiped off some of the spit that Harry had so generously showered on them in his little shouting match.
"Well, that was certainly interesting," she said slowly.
"Do you think that Harry saw You-Know-Who...um, you know, naked?" Ron said so quietly that she almost didn't catch it, his eyes as wide as saucers.
Hermione sighed in a long suffering manner, "I don't know Ron and I don't care to find out really."
Ron nodded slowly with that same horrified expression then he seemed to come abruptly to himself and remembered the cause for this whole incident in the first place and shot a glare at Hermione. He stood up and sniffed rather loudly and stormed out the library with his book bag as Madam Pince gave him a venomous look as he went past.
Hermione shook her head at his retreating figure and turned back to her essay, thinking that may be Harry was right – certain people did need therapy after all. She finished her essay fairly quickly with the further absence of the distracting histrionics of her best friends and spent the better part of the next hour resolutely attempting to straighten the dogeared covers of all the books on the first row of the shelf beside her- her favorite pass time. As she finished with each book, she placed it on her chair and sat on it to maintain pressure on the newly repaired volumes. As a result she was sitting on a tottering pile of books. She hopped down from her perch at the end of the hour and replaced the books on the shelf. She collected her things, swung her bag on her shoulder and made her way out of the library, occasionally rubbing her bum which was sore on having to balance on top of the unstable book tower for an hour, and made sure to give Pince one of her widest toothy smiles which meant to convey that she-unlike her moronic friends-had the highest respect for the place.
Madam Pince shook her head slightly watching the Granger girl walk out the door with her book bag swinging behind her and one hand clutching her behind. She had watched the poor girl daily sitting on a pile of her most dusty and old books covered with moss and fungus- not that the librarian would ever admit that she had failed in the upkeep of the said books, she always insisted(to herself) that the sad condition of the books was due some treacherous magic(which may not be so far fetched). She thought that this was some odd fetish of the Gryffindor girl and had felt bad for her and did not yell at her as she may have if it was anyone else perching their behinds on her books – after all she was some what fond of the girl, bizarre fetish or not, she was the only one apart from herself who worshiped the library. But still, she thought idly, as she saw the bushy hair disappear beyond the doors, some people would do good with some therapy.
OoOoOoO
A/N : Like it? Well folks, this is just a beginning to a whole wild ride on Insanity Express! So hold tight! And yeah REVIEW!
A/N2: reupdated with my new beta- Amrita Kamikaze! AK (heh he!) promises to rescue me from the depths of Punctuation and Grammar hell to, so to speak, the Pearly gates of er..all things Grammatically correct in the English language! Thnx AK!