Truth in the mirror (Second Version)

by velja

Author's note:
After watching the last episode of "Dawson's Creek" I was totally happy about Deputy Doug's Coming Out (I knew it all along) and I just had to think about how it could have come to this. So this is what my imagination came up with.
There's no pairing in this story, it's just Doug realizing and finally admitting to himself that he's gay.
I wrote this story nearly three years ago and it's also been posted here on this site ever since I finished it. But it was written and posted in German (my native language) because my English skills weren't that good at that time. Now I thought I'd give it a try and so I've translated it into English and posted it again. I hope you'll like it.

Doug Witter stepped out of Capesides one and only cinema into the cold night and breathed deeply. He liked going to the movies, he really did, but tonight the film just hadn't ended quickly enough for him.

He simply couldn't understand those people who spent their hard-earned money on front row seats only to not watch but bicker all the time about their last fucked-up date. Or, worse, those damn couples on Cloud Nr. Nine constantly kissing and groping and bugging their seat neighbors with stupid questions in between the smooch-fest.

God, he hated this!

Those rare times, when Doug went to the movies instead of just renting some DVD's like as usual he wished to actually see the film and nothing else.

Much to Doug's annoyance Melissa, his date for tonight, had turned out to be one of those women who didn't go to the movies for the sake of watching a film. Instead, for tonight her mission had been to use the comfortable darkness of the theater for an inspection of Doug's lean and muscled body. And therefore Doug's mission had been to squirm nervously in his seat and try to escape her hands.

He didn't know if she'd noticed his rejecting manner and… honestly, he didn't care. This whole evening had been a crazy idea in the first place. He should have known by now, he and dates… it just didn't fit.

'So why am I still trying instead of just admitting to myself that…'

Doug forced himself not to think any further. Bad thoughts, unthinkable thoughts… that way lay nothing but wrongness.

The two of them had started walking along the docks and Melissa had somehow managed to interlace her arm with his while she commented on details of the movie. He tried to listen, tried to feign interest and show a mask of friendly carefreeness to the passing people who greeted them, or rather him, with open curiosity. Everyone in Capeside knew him, he was the Sheriff after all. And everyone seemed to feel the right to be well-informed about the Sheriff's love life, or lack thereof. Especially when it came to a young, handsome unmarried Sheriff who didn't date much.

'Well, why ever is that?' Doug thought sourly.

"So, all in all the whole plot was kind of…missing actually," he heard Melissa say, "but Clive Owen shirtless was worth it," she smiled.

"Absolutely!" Doug muttered.

Then he realized what he'd just said and he added quickly: "Ugh, I meant the part with the plot missing, not the… you know, the shirtless part."

He ignored the voice in his head whispering:' Oh, come on. You know you enjoyed the view. You did! More than seeing Keira Knightley in that flimsy bra.'

'I'm not thinking this, not now!' Doug tried to chase the thoughts away.

"So, what comes next?" Melissa pulled him from his trance and he was grateful for it. He looked down into her face and asked hesitantly:

"Perhaps… my place? We could have a drink… maybe some music…?"

Melissa looked surprised but nodded.

"Okay then, my place it is."

Normally Doug would've never in his life made such an obvious offer, not after such an evening and not to Melissa. He didn't do casual, he was Sheriff Witter, always correct and dutiful. Though he did possess a certain amount of sexual experience, he was thirty-four-years old and he'd been to High School after all but, well, One-Night-Stands had never held any fascination for him. Casual sex with anybody… it just wasn't him.

But now, tonight…

Doug knew he had to chase away these strange thoughts and the best way to get your head free was after all… sex. Simple as that.

Sometime later that night Doug wasn't so sure about that theory anymore.

They were sitting on the couch in his living room, Doug's arm placed around Melissa's delicate body, and listening to Sarah McLachlan's soft voice coming from the stereo. Warm light surrounded the couple, everything was perfect.

'Why the hell am I not into this? Get a grip, Doug, what more can you possibly want?'

He leaned down to Melissa and gave her a tentative kiss. As if she'd been waiting for him to simply start Melissa responded to the kiss by pushing him backwards into the deep cushions. For a brief moment Doug wondered how a small person like her could be so strong. Then her hands were everywhere and he stopped thinking at all.

Sometime during the night they'd stumbled into his bedroom. And now Doug was lying next to Melissa listening to her soft breathing.

Sleeping was impossible for him.

God, what was wrong with him? While Melissa had been crashing from one height to the next he'd had enough trouble coming at all.

'What's so wrong? Is it her? She's beautiful, she's small with long blond hair, bright blue eyes, full lips and perfect curves. She's perfect, man!'

"But," a voice suddenly whispered in his head, "she's a woman!"

Doug shook his head forcefully to black out that voice, but it wouldn't stop. It boomed louder than ever:" She's a woman… she's not a man… she's a woman… and you want…

…a man!"

"No!" Doug breathed heavily.

Melissa stirred next to him but didn't wake up. She just turned to the other side.

"No," Doug said again, softer this time. But the moment the word left his dry mouth he knew it was a lie. The voice inside his head was right, it had been right all along. In the past it had simply been easier to ignore. To push away.

Doug let out a soft sigh and rubbed his face. With one last look at the peacefully sleeping woman he climbed out of his bed and padded over to the bathroom. There he saw a sweat-covered face staring back at him from the mirror, breathing heavily.

'Come on, man. Say it!'

"I'm…" No, I can't!'

His heart was beating like mad, like it would burst any moment. Panic was rising in his throat, about to sweep over him, overwhelm him. He was going to asphyxiate, to drown in panic.

But he forced his lungs to calm down, to simply breathe. In… out. Once again, in… and out.

And suddenly it was like someone had turned a switch inside his head. The lights went on, the panic went away. And he whispered calmly:

"Sheriff Douglas Witter… you are… gay. You're gay!"

So... let me know if you liked it... please.