Since You've Been Gone
Oookay, so this is a rewrite of my crappy version called Then and Again. You may not have thought it was crappy, but I certainly did, and I was under the impression that it needed something more. So here we are with round two. This is going to be entirely from James's perspective, and Lily isn't going to be as much of a cry-baby. I don't think. She might be, but I'm gonna try not to make it that way. Anyways…enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the people, places and things you don't recognize from the incredible J.K. Rowling's work.
Of Old Dreams and New Realities
I'm dreaming.
"James!"
Lily giggled and rolled away, out of reach of my tickling hands. When she looked back, her hair was tangled with twigs and leaves, and her face was flushed from the cold, but she was grinning.
"You're mean," she said, sticking her tongue out playfully.
Wake up, James.
"Shut up, you love me," I said, smirking.
"Do not," she said, biting her lip and shaking her head.
"Do too," I said, capturing her hand and pulling her back into my arms. She giggled again and snuggled closer.
Stop it, James; it isn't real.
She kissed the base of my neck.
"You might think I like you," she whispered against my skin. "But I'm jut using you for warmth."
"I don't believe you," I muttered while she kissed slowly up my neck, raising a trail of goosebumps. She laughed softly.
"Hm, sorry if I've given you the wrong impression," she murmured, her lips moving across my jaw now. I smiled and pulled her closer.
"Don't be," I said, turning my head and capturing her lips in a slow kiss. I felt her mouth curl up in a smile against mine.
It's time to wake up. It's just a dream.
"Hey, James?"
Her voice was soft as she spoke between kisses.
"Mmm?" I mumbled.
"I love you," she whispered.
A rush of warmth swept through me, and my arms tightened around her. But the next moment my arms were empty, my lips were cold and winter had settled around my heart. She was gone and I was utterly alone once more.
Wake up, you asshole!
It wasn't the loud crash or the wracking pain that woke me as I jerked from my bed onto the hard wooden floor. It was the sensation of having a shard of ice driven through my heart that did the trick.
I lay there, breathing hard and staring up at the blank ceiling. I clenched my fists at my sides and concentrated on quelling the trembling that had begun in my body. It was anger that had my limbs shaking. Not anger at her this time but anger at my weakness, anger at letting myself get caught up in a ridiculous fantasy when I knew better.
Besides, it was a fantasy I didn't want anymore.
"Prongs!"
Sirius's grumpy voice from outside the door alerted me to the fact that I was still on the floor. Groaning, I pulled myself to my feet, glancing at the clock on the way up. No wonder he was grumpy; it was seven in the morning. Sirius banged on the door.
"Prongs, if you don't stop falling out of your god damn bed, I'm gonna start tying you up at night!" he shouted.
I ignored him and walked tiredly into the bathroom to splash my face with cold water. Sirius continued shouting obscenities as he pounded back down the stairs. I wasn't worried; he'd be over it once he got some bacon into his system. I brushed my teeth and pulled on a pair of old jeans and an undershirt before heading down to the kitchen where Sirius was already cooking up a storm. He shot me a dirty look as I sank down at the table and pulled the orange juice to me.
"Your fault for refusing to switch rooms," I said, shrugging.
"My room's better than yours!" he snapped. "You just need to quit shaking my damn ceiling every morning."
"It's hardly every morning, Padfoot," I said, rolling my eyes even though the unsettling dreams had become far more frequent lately. "Once a month at the—"
"It's enough to be annoying as hell," he said grumpily.
It was days like these when I felt as though Sirius and I were an angry married couple. Especially with the way he banged around the kitchen; he was just like a furious housewife making her ungrateful husband breakfast. I couldn't help grinning.
"It's healthy to wake up before noon every once in a while," I said, leaning my chair back on two legs.
"Shut up and drink your juice," he snapped, and I complied with a smirk.
He finished up breakfast and I sipped my orange juice in silence. I watched him amusedly for a few moments until the lack of conversation forced the memory of the previous night's dream back into my mind. I shook my head, trying to clear it of the images of her happy face, her eyes burning bright against the crunchy brown leaves of fall that had become entangled in her wavy red hair.
I love you.
My hands clenched again, and the glass shook in my tight grip. I let it go immediately and let my chair fall back onto four legs with a bang.
"Wanna talk about it?"
I looked up. Sirius was setting countless plates down on the table in front of me. He wasn't looking at me, and his expression was carefully blank. He knew why I rolled out of my bed every month, but he never pushed me to talk about it. Instead, we bickered, and then he asked—casually—whether I had any desire to explore my feelings.
"Let's just eat," I said, picking up my fork and stabbing moodily at a sausage.
"What time is it?" Peter whined.
"Time for you to stop asking what time it is," I snapped.
I knew I was being too sharp with my comments, but that was usually the case when my day started off with what can rightfully be called a nightmare. Peter glared reproachfully at me, but I wasn't in the mood to apologize so I pushed away from the table we were all sitting around and went to the coffee machine in the corner instead. I didn't miss the questioning look that Remus shot at Sirius nor did I miss the way Sirius's eyes darkened significantly in response. I ignored this and poured a cup of coffee.
"So," said Remus a little too casually, "any guesses on what the big news is?"
"Obviously Obey finally caved on my monkey idea," Sirius said knowingly.
"Shut up, Padfoot," Remus said lazily. "Obey did not buy you a monkey."
"Not me, silly, us!" Sirius corrected snidely.
"I don't want a monkey," Peter said, looking confused.
"It's not for you," Sirius said exasperatedly. "It's for the band!"
"What do we need a monkey for?" Peter asked.
"We don't," I said before Sirius could answer. "Padfoot's just being an idiot."
"Am not!" Sirius said, sounding affronted. I smirked and downed another cup of coffee. "Better slow down, Prongs, or you'll have to piss in the middle of our meeting."
"Good, maybe I'll miss most of it."
"Well, you're certainly in a happy mood," Remus said brightly.
I grinned widely at him and poured another cup.
"You don't even like coffee," Peter pointed out.
"Who says?"
"You do, dumbass," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.
"Afternoon, gents!" came a jaunty voice from the doorway.
Robert Pennington, fondly known as Obey by we who knew him best, entered the room, grinning from ear to ear. Apparently, the news was good. Or so it seemed.
We greeted him, and I reclaimed my seat at the small, round table. Obey was clearly far too excited to join us. Instead, he paced around in front of us, his eyes wide and feverish. What could possibly have gotten him this excited?
"Obey, what the hell?" Sirius asked impatiently after almost two minutes of silence, nearly bouncing in his seat.
"All right, you four," Obey said at last. "I have excellent news. And no, Sirius, I didn't get you a monkey."
"Not me—"
"Shut up!" Remus, Peter and I snapped together, and Sirius pursed his lips. I turned back to Obey.
"Leave the monkey out of it, Obe," I said bluntly. "Tell us what's going on."
He stopped pacing and faced us, a wide grin plastered on his face.
"You're going on tour," he said.
"Seriously?" I asked, perking up at once.
"When? For how long?" Sirius asked excitedly.
"You leave in three days—"
"Why the short notice?" Remus asked, surprised.
"The decision was only just made yesterday, and we needed to get a move on," Obey said impatiently. "It'll make more sense later. But you'll be leaving in three days, and it'll last six months."
"Excellent!" Sirius said, his eyes lighting up. "Where are we going?"
"Pretty much everywhere," Obey said, pacing again, apparently unable to keep still. "We'll discuss the details at the official meeting tomorrow. I just had to give the initial news to you myself."
"Official meeting?" I asked, confused.
"Yes, we'll be meeting with the other act you'll be traveling with, and her manager," Obey said, nodding.
"Other act?"
"Well, like I said, we'll go through all the details tomorrow, but basically this is a double tour," Obey explained. "You'll be giving mega concerts all over the world. You'll perform, then she'll perform, or vice versa; we'll probably even get you performing together by the end of it—"
"Who is it?" I interjected.
"I honestly can't remember her name," Obey said, pausing and scratching his chin. "She's just recently gained popularity, much like you guys, but more so in America than here. That's why we're putting you together; you'll attract the European crowds more, and she'll attract the U.S. crowds."
I felt my earlier irritation evaporating under the weight of this good news.
"So where's the first stop?" Peter asked.
"Paris," Obey replied excitedly.
"And then—?"
"We'll go over the schedule tomorrow," Obey cut Sirius off. "Now, you guys should get home and start packing 'cause it's gonna be a while before you see home again."
Grinning broadly, we all scurried out of the room, thumping Obey hard on the back as we went.
Oh, Jesus, not again.
The meadow was cold and dark. Nothing like the last time when the sun had shone through the leafless branches of September, warming my frozen cheeks. My teeth chattered, and my lips felt numb. All around me the trees loomed, casting shadows on the lifeless ground. What was I waiting for?
Wake up, you idiot.
"James?"
I turned at the sound of my name, and already I felt warmer, but I didn't see anything.
Good, wake up before you do.
"James!"
I could hear both the smile and the exasperation in her voice. I turned again, expecting to see a flash of red, a sparkle of green perhaps. But there was nothing. And then everything went dark, and at the same time the sun shone through the trees, warming my skin.
"I'm right here, silly," she whispered in my ear, and I spun around. She smiled softly and caught me in a kiss before I could say anything.
You asshole.
My chest ached with the familiar feeling of her body pressed against mine.
"I've missed you," I murmured against her lips.
She laughed and pulled away slightly.
"I was only gone for a second," she said, tweaking my nose.
I caught her hand and pulled her close again, kissing her nose, her eyelids, her cheeks and finally her mouth until she was weak in my arms, her smile replaced by parted, gasping lips. I pressed my forehead against hers, holding her tightly to me.
"Don't ever leave me again," I whispered.
There were tears clinging to her eyelashes, rolling down her flushed cheeks, and she met my gaze with pain in her eyes.
"I won't," she promised.
You're a fucking idiot.
"God damn it!"
I punched the floor as hard as I could, and then regretted it not a second later. I rolled over so that my face wasn't pressed into the wood anymore and cradled my injured hand. I could feel the bruises forming on my knuckles, a dull pounding accompanying them.
"Shit," I muttered, staring up at the ceiling from my uncomfortable position on the floor for the second morning in a row. It didn't usually happen this frequently.
The lack of Sirius's furious footsteps was curious. I sat up and looked around at my clock. It was almost eleven, which meant I probably hadn't woken him, although he'd surely heard the noise. I sighed; I wasn't eager to face his knowing gaze.
Luckily, by the time I was finally dressed and ready—I had taken my time for exactly this purpose—we were already running a little bit late for our meeting, and so he didn't have time to do anything other than stare at me darkly as I slipped my coat on in the hallway.
"Let's get going," I said, avoiding his eyes and stepping outside into the chilly October air. He followed after a moment's pause, and we Disapparated simultaneously.
"You're late," Obey announced when we walked into the conference room that was most decidedly too large for such a small meeting.
"You are a filthy liar," Sirius replied disdainfully. "We are, in fact—" he made a show of checking his watch "—seventeen seconds early."
Obey just rolled his eyes.
"Besides, where is our singing mate?" Sirius asked with a disapproving 'tut-tut'. "She doesn't seem to have arrived yet."
"I told her to get here five minutes late so I could tie you up first," Obey said, smiling widely. Sirius chucked a pen that was lying on the table at him, but Obey caught it easily.
"Sit down," he said, throwing the pen back onto the table lazily.
"You're no fun," Sirius complained, but he plopped down into a seat next to Remus anyways. I sat down on Remus's other side, not keen on the idea of giving Sirius any time to question me. Peter arrived a few moments later after which Sirius started up a mock-heated argument with Obey for not chastising Peter for his tardiness.
I listened to the mindless chatter without really hearing it. Instead I heard the empty promise I'd dreamt up last night playing over and over again, ringing in my ears.
I won't.
I almost scoffed out loud. My mind came up with the most ridiculous, obvious lies and filtered them all into my head through dreams. And yet I fell for them every time. Well, I didn't so much as fall for them as I did give in to them. Which was even worse. I knew I was dreaming…every time it happened, I knew. And still I refused to wake up.
"Prongs?"
Remus's voice startled me out of my reverie, and I looked up with a jerk, my head still swimming with green eyes.
"Hm?"
"You okay?" he asked, frowning. I could feel Sirius's eyes on me again.
"Yeah," I said a little too gruffly. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"
Remus shrugged, and I knew he didn't believe me.
"You just looked a little…ill," he said.
"I'm fine," I said, firmly this time.
Knock knock.
"That's them!" Obey said, widening his eyes briefly at us.
I sat up a little straighter, glad for any excuse not to talk or think about the weak fight I was putting up against my own mind. Instead, I watched as Obey practically ran to the door and flung it open. A man stood there, dressed in casual jeans and a button down shirt, a slight smile on his face.
"You must be Obey," he said, extending a hand to our manager warmly.
"Ah, Ryan, right?" Obey replied, shaking the man's hand and leading him into the room. "Where's…ah—?"
I smirked, remembering that Obey didn't remember the girl's name.
"Miss Evans will be here shortly," Ryan announced, flashing a smile at us.
I blanched involuntarily at the name. Sirius shot me a furtive look, but I didn't return the gesture. I shook my head of impossible thoughts; Evans was a common name.
"So you four must be the infamous Marauders?" Ryan grinned, taking a seat across from us.
"Infamous, eh?" Sirius tested the word on his tongue. "Hm, I like the sound of that."
"Don't get too cocky, Padfoot," I warned. Sirius grinned.
"Too late for that," he said with a wink. He turned back to Ryan. "So when does our lovely lady arrive?"
"Should be in the next few minutes," Ryan said, checking his watch. "My apologies for making you wait."
"Not necessary," Obey said, sitting down next to Peter.
"We were supposed to arrive together actually, but she wasn't quite…ready when I got to her place," Ryan said. I didn't miss his hesitation or the flicker of concern that passed across his face. He shrugged it off. "No matter. She'll be here soon—"
As if on cue, there was a light, almost hesitant, knock on the door. Ryan perked up immediately and made for the door. I leaned my chair back on two legs and stretched my arms out tiredly. Peter, Remus and Sirius were staring expectantly at the door, strangely identical smiles lining their faces.
And then the oddest thing happened. I heard the door open, and something in the air immediately changed. Remus's smile vanished in an instant; Sirius's jaw clenched so tightly he was nearly shaking; and Peter looked as though he had been slapped. Utterly perplexed, I turned my head in the direction of the door.
Oh, fuck.
My heart stopped mid-beat. Everything around me fell away except for those startling green eyes, wide at the moment with some emotion I was too overcome to identify. The last thing I remembered was the sight of her trembling lips parting slightly as though she were about to speak. And then, with a crash, my unbalanced chair slipped backward and everything went dark.
Thanks for reading! Again, sorry about all the confusion and the switching and all the jazz. We'll see how it works out this time. Please please pleeeeease REVIEW. I love to hear your feedback, especially those of you that read the first draft. Thanks so much!
Lillian James