If she could tell us something, I know she would tell us not to cry. Not to be sad. Because she is in a better place now. A happy place. And it is the best place you can be.
But the problem is not where she is, it's that she's gone, forever, and we won't ever, ever see her again until we get to that place. The happy place.
And so we try our hardest not to cry, not to be sad, but it doesn't work because regardless of how happy a place she's in now, she's still gone.
"If you knew where she was, you wouldn't shed another tear," one of Phoebe's religious friends told us once. But Phoebe's friend was wrong. They knew where Rachel was.
On that night, the night of the 26th of June, 2005, Rachel was feeling particularly worthless. She had known for years, ever since the depression started, that she was going to be the one to take her own life. She didn't know when, but she knew that she would know when it was time. The doctors tried. They out her on dozens of different medications. Nothing lifted the dark fog that always had her on the verge of tears.
That day was the worst day of the other five's lives. Rachel knew how much pain she would cause, she understood the consequences, but the pain of it all was far too much for her. In the end, the feeling of the knife dragging up her wrists, the heavenly sensation of the life flowing out of her, and the knowledge that she would be destroying her friends, was easier than the pain and sadness she felt every day.
So if she could come back for a moment, a glorious, beautiful, happy, shining moment, she would most definitely tell us not to cry.