Yeah. Really strange. This is a retelling of the Demeter's Lost Daughter Greek myth.
Demeter's Lost Daughter
"Lyk, no way! I told you b4, there's no way I'm gonna b ur wife!" Persephone (Though she called herself Rose now), IM'ed to Hades.
"C'mon, you know u like me!" he IM'ed back. Hades kept trying to marry "Rose," but she always refused. He typed away on his black laptop (decorated with skulls and bones), and kept on trying to woo her.
"HADES YOU MORON! I SAID NO!" she typed furiously on her pink keyboard. She was really mad right now, mad enough to be spitting fire, but that was one of the monsters' jobs, and she would prefer not to accidentally singe her hair.
"But-" Hades was interrupted by "Rose4eva" signing off.
He sighed. He clicked log out. "Richerthanu" was logged off now too. The Olympian chat room was a success, most of the time. Then, Hades got a really good idea.
He logged back on to check if his little brother was logged on. Sure enough, "Thundergod" was also logged on. He opened up a chat window, and it went upon the lines of:
Richerthanu: Yo, little bro, why won't Rose, lyk, say yes?
Thundergod: No clue. And stop calling me little bro!
Richerthanu: Can I marry her?
Thundergod: Uhhh ;-).
Richerthanu: Okay g2g. C YA.
Hades smiled. A wink was probably a yes. Now, he just had to lure Rose to his realm. He let out an evil laugh, the kind that you hear in horror stories, and started to plot.
Zeus debated with himself. He didn't want to accidentally upset Demeter by saying yes, and there might be no more breakfast cereal, but if he said no to Hades, he might let souls stop dying, and that would be bad, and his big brother could put Zeus's head to the ground, and-
"Whatever." He thought. "I can always eat toast, but I wonder what Hades will think what I meant by my wink. But I shan't upset myself with these troubles anymore, I shall go eat ice cream and popcorn, and watch what he does." And he went to go eat ice cream and popcorn.
Hades bought a little boutique store in one of Rose's favorite mortal malls.
One day, Rose disguised herself as a mortal, and went shopping. She was immediately intrigued by a new store, "Slim and Superb." It had beautiful dresses and skirts in there, and, all in her size!
"Oh, my, gosh!!! Like, gals, I'm going to go buy some clothes, and since none of you are my size, I'll just go by myself." Rose was shopping with some nymphs, and she also was the only size 3.
She walked in, and the only other people in there were some little 9-year olds, who were shopping for their mother, while a security guard waited outside for them to finish.
Rose pulled out a green-flowered skirt, when a male voice asked behind her, "If I can comment, I think we have some lovely shirts and skirts that may match perfectly with your eyes." The voice belonged to a salesman with black hair.
"Why, of course! I would love to see them!" she squealed.
He led her to the back of the store, where there were many pretty outfits, when suddenly the bottom of the store turned into a huge hole, and the salesman turned into Hades! He jumped into a chariot with Rose in tow, and you could hear her screaming and the screams of little girls and they went into the pit.
Rose was made queen of the underworld, and decked with pretty jewels and she was the richest queen alive, but she longed for the sunlight, malls, and pink. Hades hated all of these things, so she was often bored.
Demeter was frantically searching for her daughter. She tried everywhere! Nordstrom's, Sephora, and just about every mall in the world. She was despairing so much that she refused to make anything grow, so, as Zeus predicted, there was a large shortage of breakfast cereal, and people were dying.
One day, when Demeter was searching, she came across an agitated security guard, and she asked him what was wrong.
"Why, fair lady, I was watching a bunch of kids that were shopping for their mothers, and they went in that store, and never came out. Plus, it is now continually cold, and my feet keep freezing, and there isn't any breakfast cereal!" he rambled on. Demeter was disguised as a woman, in her 30's.
Demeter thanked the man, gave him a pair of warm boots, and went into the store. She climbed down the stairs in back, and, what do you know, it leads to the underworld. She is so mad that she DEMANDS that Zeus let Rose back to the world of light. She dials up his number on her cell and their conversation was like this:
Demeter: ZEUS!!! GET MY DAUGHTER BACK UP HERE, OR I WON'T LET ANY PLANTS GROW, AND NO ONE WILL HAVE BREAKFAST CEREAL!!
Zeus: But she's married to Hades!
Demeter: I DON'T BLOODY CARE!
Zeus: Hmm, maybe mother has a plan, got to go, sister, I'll do my best.
Demeter: YOU BETTER OR I'LL-
Zeus: (Click!)
Mother did have a plan, and Demeter got to bring Rose up, AS LONG AS, she didn't eat any of the food of the dead.
Mother and daughter were reunited, and all the plants burst into bloom, and there was breakfast cereal. But, when the royal maid came to tidy up, she found that Rose had eaten six grapes. Rose needed to return to the land of the dead. It was decided that Rose would have to spend one month for each grape she ate.
The security guard quit his job and became a farmer, saving up grain for the winter.
That is why there is winter and summer, spring and fall, and thanks to the security guard, there is breakfast cereal, toast, and all different things to eat during winter.
END
Yeah...
Aneis