My eyes flickered open, bleach blonde hair infiltrating both of them. Sitting up from my slumber I became exceedingly aware of the date and the day that was spread ahead of me. Adrenaline pulsed through my veins once again, just like it had every day for the past month because the tour with Lostprophets was finally here. The weeklong tour itself was irrelevant to me because it was just another tour when I would go out there with Gavin, sing my heart out in front of a phenomenal crowd who would respond by singing back, jumping around and clawing at my skin afterwards in a desperate attempt to gain an autograph which I was always happy to give. I loved the attention and I loved touring with the guys in my band but the specialty of this tour was not so much the admiration that I would receive from my fans but the attention that I was hoping to receive from one particular man, that was the cause for the butterflies that had taken refuge in my stomach, they knew that I truly longed for the sight of that muscular mysterious figure, they knew that I wanted to hold in my arms and whisper sweetness to him as I caressed his waist, they knew that I wished to absorb the scent of the dark tousled hair as I ran my slender fingers through it, They knew that he was the one that I deeply lusted for in my dreams, my nightmares, my life, Ian.
I gazed for what seemed like an endless period of time at the plain white ceiling as I reflected the past I had had with him, I never had been subtle about the truth of my emotions but as more time went by I became a blurb, all people had to do was glace at me for a few short seconds and they understood the outline of my story. I wanted him so much, I had never actually obsessed over anyone in my entire life, I had seen people who thought were attractive but I had never experienced the feelings for them that I had for Ian nor would I ever share those feelings for anyone in future, It was impossible, It pained me physically and mentally that he didn't share these feelings for me in return, However, as much as it hurt me it did not in any way surprise me, Why would he? I was a simple guy, nothing special, just me, Just another singer in another band who just so happened to be one of his closest friends. I always hear the phrase life's a bitch, Jesus you can say that again. Oh, another thing... I'm a guy and I knew for a fact that there was no way on this earth Ian was gay, the reason I knew this was that he already had a girl.
I envied her for the simple fact she possessed him, Ivy, She was pretty, funny, sweet and completely and utterly two-faced. Everyone hated her for that exact reason, even Ian's band mates took an instant dislike to her and believe me when I say it's very difficult to get on their bad side, they put up with me, that's an example of their tolerance. Ivy only put on her bitter-sweet facade when she was flitting around Ian, like a charmer she coiled Ian around her little finger, treating him nothing more than a fancy pet that she could show off. Away from his eye sight she was bitter, cold, and bitchy. Think of everything you despise about women, I can guarantee she has all of those qualities. It was ironic to me that the girl who stole the one thing I cared about most had such a poisonous name, she belonged in the wild, not in the arms of my beloved, I loathed the fact that she had him, I hated that she could care for him and trace his cheekbones when she embraced his lips, all in all I hated her.
A single tear glistened in my eye and proceeded to roll down my cheek as I reflected on how I would never hold such a perfect man, I didn't want anyone else. It had become so unbearable for me that it had gotten to the stage where I couldn't even hide it from the rest of the band mates. They all saw my heart-ache, Embraced it, Shared it, I pitied them for that because it was bad enough that I was experiencing this nightmare, nobody else should feel like this because of my self-pitying especially not my friends, They all urged me to look past Ian and find someone else, But to me, Finding someone else to please my friends would be inevitably pointless because that is all they would ever be to me and my one way heart.. 'Someone else', a cover-up for what I truly wanted. How could
I move past loving someone who was the highlight of my life, I couldn't, Just thinking about it was making me curl into a ball just to keep myself together and composed, nevertheless, I knew deep down inside that having his friendship and keeping him close to me mentally, if not physically was enough to get me by, I knew as long as I was alive I would protect him and I would never let him down, Even if it meant that I was miserable and fading into my own darkness I would make sure that he was alright, Regardless of whether the disintegration of my own heart killed me. Knowing this brought a smile back to my worn face. I truely was uncontrollably in love.