Title: Adam And Matt
Author: Slashydutchie
Rating: PG-13 for now, rating WILL go up
Pairing: Metatron/OMC, all I can say for now without giving the plot away
Summary: God, inspired by Serendiptiy, makes Metatron take two days and a night off as a human to get back in touch with human emotions. He gets a bit more of those than he bargained for… and the one making him feel that way isn't exactly convenient object for affections.
Disclaimer: Adam is mine, Club Feathers actually exists and belongs to someone else, the entire Askewniverse is Kevin Smith's. No money being made here, just contributing to Metatron slash… because there's FAR too little of that around.
A/N: I'm looking for a BETA for this… if you're interested, just send an email to fanfic at Operamail dot com
Nine months after the end of Dogma, a hospital
"Come on, miss Sloane, you're doing great! One last push, a big one!" The doctor sounded nice, enthusiastic and encouraging… Bethany wanted nothing more than to rip his head off. From what she was hearing this was a pretty smooth delivery, but it certainly didn't feel that way to her.
However, she managed to contain the urge to slaughter everyone in the room who dared to even think of smiling in something that might be an encouraging way for long enough to give what the man had asked. One final push. When she gave it, uttering something at the top of her voice regarding a distant relative of hers she knew it was over, she could already hear the baby crying.
"Congratulations, miss Sloane! It's a beautiful boy!"
Great.
…
Wait a minute…
"IT'S A WHAT?!"
22 years later, Heaven
"You can't be serious! I am most definitely not getting out of touch with humankind!" Metatron objected to the voice in his head. It was a good thing he was a Seraphim, otherwise the voice would be an object of concern. Now it just meant his 'Boss' was 'talking' to him.
"You made seven of them cry in the last three days… and I won't even mention the priest-incident. Besides… you're getting cranky."
"Well, they compensated by ruining my suit on various occasions…" this was followed by what would have been a brief pause were it not for some mumbling about a favourite hoody and stupid mortals. "And I'm NOT cranky!"
"Yes you are. I cannot believe I'm saying this, but Serendipity was right. You need some time off." Actually, Serendipity's exact words had been 'That old grump needs to get laid… for all our sakes.', but she hadn't known God had eavesdropped on her conversation with Rufus. She never noticed that, no matter how often the Deity did it. Who needed omnipotence when there was the gossiping of the Muse and Apostle?
"Time off?" The Metatron adapted a tone that could be used for 'Dancing monkeys?' along with a facial expression quite fitted for 'Be crucified?' "But…"
"No 'but's. Two days and one night should be enough…emotions are tricky things and I need my Voice to understand that." At this, God smiled. Oh, he would understand alright…"Ta-ta."
Earth
Metatron found himself on Earth. 'Ta-ta'… Her strange sense of humour again, probably.
He didn't get much time to ponder this, however, as he soon found he was human… which meant the presence of a currently full bladder and – certain parts of Metatron's brain did a little jig – a package! Goodbye Ken-doll anatomy! Well, for two days at least. Back to the problem at hand… toilet!
After some frantic glances around, taking in that it was somewhere in the evening and he was in a parking lot. That was all his now mortal senses noticed before he'd done a full 180 and discovered a building aptly named 'Club Feathers'. Clubs had toilets! And that was all the encouragement Metatron needed to rush inside, ignoring everything except the sign that was universal for 'prevent a busted bladder here'.