Summary: In which Sasuke has a flamingly gay subconscious and somehow manages to trap himself in the Harry Potter world where he is twinkled into teaching History of Magic. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Warning: I have my favorite pairings, and you guys probably have yours. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this fic, none of them will probably come into play. However, we do all know that Sasuke is a very pretty man, and that everywhere he goes, he is prone to pairing-type situations happening upon him. Any imaginings are left to the viewer's discretion. Oh and please, I know this is kind of crack, but bear with me for this first part. It kind of sets up the entire story.

Also, I do not own Naruto, never will own Naruto, and do not want to own Naruto. If I did, I would not have screwed it up so badly. No, I am not bitter.

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Of Teaching and Kickassery
part 1 of some number

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It was a nice, cheery, sunny day a few hundred miles from Konohagakure. Intelligent, twenty-year-old Sasuke hated nice, cheery, sunny days, because they were in direct contrast to his general disposition. Which was the be all and end all of the world, of course. He much preferred not-nice, un-cheery, un-sunny days, but that's not to say he liked bad, unhappy, cloudy days; in fact, he kind of hated those days too. When your general disposition is to hate whatever the world gives you, it's a bit hard to satisfy.

And so it was, on this nice, cheery, sunny day, Sasuke was busy patrolling the borders on an extremely important, classified S-class mission for Konoha. His re-allegience to Konoha is a long story that will have to be saved for later, because it is full of darkness and suffering and today is a very nice, cheery, and sunny day not full of darkness and suffering. His classified mission was, on a very basic level, to patrol the borders of Fire Country and kick the ass of any suspicious personnel. Unfortunately for most people looking to cross over into Fire Country from that particular section of the forest, everyone looked suspicious to Sasuke, and so therefore, there was a lot of ass kicking being done.

"But please, sir, I'm just a trader on my way back to Konohagakure!"

"Yeah, that's what they all say. What do you take me for, a moron? I'll give you till the count of three. One..."

"But I'm a Konoha citizen!!!"

"KATONSOMESHITORANOTHER."

So, leaving behind a charred crisp of a trader who could barely muster the strength to whisper, "But that was only one...", Sasuke went on his very un-merry way to continue doing his job. It was actually going pretty well, for a boring old S-class mission. (The actual S-class parts were confidential.) Or, rather well until all of a sudden Sasuke heard the undeniable sound of chanting.

In fact, it sounded rather like a choir heading his way. With its own traveling orchestra. And were they chanting in Latin? (Or whatever that language that does not exist in his known universe was called.) Looking this way and that way, Sasuke strained his ears and his eyes trying to locate the source of the sound. Of Music. To the right? To the left? That's strange, he figured it couldn't possibly be that hard to locate a traveling choir and orchestra, especially with all the racket they were making. And in a forest no less. He was a fucking ninja, he should be able to locate large bodies of instruments in no time flat! This was unacceptable, and when he found the source, he was gonna katonsomeshitoranother their ass so hard their ancestors would feel it.

Sasuke spent a good 30 seconds looking around him, and generally looking like a fool until he felt a large concentration of chakra heading his way very, very, very quickly and if he was right (and he was always right), then he had approximately zero point two seconds to get the fuck out of the way. Which he did promptly, in zero point one seconds, he would like to mention (which he did), and a flaming, burning, giant fireball crashed into the ground before him. "Damn, that's hot," Sasuke muttered to himself, before wondering where the aforementioned flaming ball of fire came from.

"Hm, you're faster than I thought," came a deep and rather sexy voice, and Sasuke turned around to see a tall, absofuckinglutely gorgeous man floating down from the sky. Sasuke thought it was getting rather hot in this forest, and maybe it wasn't just the fireball to blame.

"What the hell was that for, asshole?" Sasuke asked, and nearly gagged in horror. Don't speak to the gorgeous hunk in front of you like that, said Sasuke's socially conscious and rather flamboyantly gay subconscious, before completely and totally subtly checking out the other guy. The guy, who was about as hot as a flaming ball of fire, was tall to an almost ridiculous level, had long, long flowing locks of silver hair, striking green eyes, and the body of a god. Also, there was this weird single wing sticking out of his back, but half-angels aside, Sasuke thought he was pretty hot. Man, Sasuke had always been of the mind that he was rather hot, but the new guy beat him hands down. In fact, the new guy was so hot, he had his own theme music.

"Fight me," said the Extremely Hot New Guy Whose Name He Did Not Know.

"Excuse me?" Sasuke asked, "I didn't catch that," I was too busy staring at your chest, went unspoken.

"Fight me, or I shall destroy your world," repeated the Extremely Hot New Guy Whose Name He Did Not Know; who will henceforth be known as Sephiroth because who is this author kidding, the readers all know who he is even if Sasuke doesn't. And he is so very hot, yes or yes?

"Those are fighting words!" Sasuke yelled, his not-so-gay conscious winning the "what to say to the hot guy" battle with his subconscious.

Sephiroth just smirked in a "why are all the hot guys I meet either gay, taken, or insane" sort of way, before pulling out a sword so long it had to be compensating for something. "You will live again as part of me," he said cryptically before leaping forward, dramatic latin choir orchestra music playing and all.

"Damn that's a long sword," muttered the moody, un-cheery hero as he avoided each swing, "and what's that supposed to mean? I'd be a part of him any day, hubba-hubba." In any other circumstance, Sasuke would have facepalm-ed himself for acting so out of character, but it should be understood that Sephiroth is extremely hot, and therefore it's really not his fault at all that he's acting so out of sorts.

And so proceeded the sword dance of the angel and the un-cheery hero. Sasuke, despite being all powerful and all awesome, was not, unfortunately, a match for War Hero Sephiroth who had years of experience beyond him (of which he did not know about), and the fight soon came to a crushing end as Sasuke was knocked into a tree, and into another tree, and another tree, and the entire forest fell over like a pile of domino blocks. And as if to add insult to injury, the Extremely Hot New Guy Whose Name Sasuke Did Not Know But Was Kind Of A Destructive And Provocative Asshole With Theme Music flew up into the air (how he could do that with one wing, Sasuke had no idea), raised a hand and began gathering such a huge amount of chakra that Sasuke knew if he didn't get serious he was kind of fucked in every way but the good way.

Sasuke activated his Sharingan in a desperate attempt to turn things around, and watched what the half-angel was doing very carefully: select - magic - meteor - wait for ATB to load

Damn was that a huge fireball.

In fact, it was so huge that it could probably take out the entire forest around him.

Oh shit, thought Sasuke, this is kind of bad.

Still smiling that creepily insane smile, Sephiroth flashed in front of the giant ball of doom and said, "Thank you. Goodbye," before disappearing completely. So completely that the chakra energy that was so all encompassing had vanished.

"What the fuck?" said Sasuke in confusion, before the word "fuck" was all he could say in a mantra. And so he was.

For when Sephiroth vanished from the world in a flash, the Giant Energy Ball of Fuck What Did I Do did not, and Sasuke was directly in its way.

"Well, I have no idea what this does and what's going to happen, but I'll take maybe-not-dying over definitely-dying any day, so here goes." And so with the technique he copied from Mr. I'm Hot But Homicidal, Sasuke vanished too, from this world.

--

Of course, Sasuke didn't know that. He reappeared in a graveyard; a gloomy, cloudy, backyard graveyard. It was a setting entirely befitting his general disposition, but he still hated it because his general disposition was to hate everything. However, he usually preferred to hate everything in his lonesome, and he was decidedly Not Alone.

In fact, there were a whole bunch of people dressed like shadow versions of the Ku Klux Klan (of whom Sasuke does not know about since they don't exist in his world), and they looked rather ridiculous.

"Master, some boy just randomly appeared in the middle of our Death Eater meeting," said one of the masked creeps.

"Yes, I noticed, Wormtail," said what Sasuke assumed was another masked creep. It was kind of hard to tell what with them all dressed alike and him not being able to see their mouths move.

"You know, Master, he's kind of hot."

"Yes, I noticed, Wormtail."

Sasuke grimaced at being called hot by someone referred to as 'Wormtail'. Do not want, what. "Excuse me, I'd appreciate it if you do not speak of me like I'm not here," Sasuke said politely. Standing up and brushing the graveyard dust off his pants.

"I do apologize," said the second voice, "it was indeed incredibly rude of us to speak of you as if you weren't present. When you are. Definitely are. Very present. Very hot and present. You know you're kind of incredibly attractive, and this is coming from me. And I am impeccably handsome. Or, I used to be. Will be. Would you like to hand over your body?"

"Excuse me?" Sasuke asked with a hint of incredulity. Or, more than a hint of incredulity. "Run that by me again?"

"You're hot. I used to be hot. I should be hot. Hand over your body."

Decidedly creeped out, Sasuke backed up and the back of his knees hit a grave stone marker. "Um, sorry Mister...sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Oh, I'm so very sorry. It's so rude of me not to introduce myself. My name is Mort. Voldemort. I'd show you my face but it's not hot. Yet. Give me your body."

"Well, I'm sorry Mister Mort, but I'm...wait," Sasuke paused as he thought of something, "in what way do you mean, "give me your body"?"

"Oh, not sexually, though you are in fact very hot and I would not otherwise be averse to that idea at all. Not in the slightest. You're hot. Hotter than hot, in fact. I kind of want you. Very hard. In my pants. Well, if I had pants. However, I am in need of a body. Literally. And I would like to be hot, as well. Like you."

Sasuke had a rather enlightened if disturbed expression on his face. "Well, as I said, I do apologize Mister Mort, but I am a bit attached to my body. As in, I kind of live in it. Inhabit it. With my soul. I'd rather not give it up before I uh, die. But I'm flattered you like it enough to offer. Even though it's not for sale, and I feel rather like a prostitute right now." Really, what was it with creepy guys and his body? Man, all this Mort guy needed was a snake and then he'd be perfect.

"Ah, you misunderstand me. I'm not offering anything for your body, I expect you to give it up. I will be forced to take it by force if you are not willing," said Voldemort with a hiss. "My legion of Death Eaters will make it decidedly more painful for you if you do not willingly concede."

Sasuke sighed disparagingly, "Look, Mister Mort, I am flattered by the interest, but- wait your legion of Death...Eaters?"

"Yes, that is what they are called."

"What, do they eat death or something? What is the logic behind this name?"

The voice actually sounded sheepish, almost. If such a pompous, self-inflating voice could sound sheepish. "Well, they're uh, deadly. And they kill things. Also they eat on occasion."

"They eat...death? Like, cannibalism?"

"N-no! That's completely not acceptable and kind of gross. They just, eat. Normal things. Like food."

"I see. So then they are...the Death...Eaters?"

"Yes. It sounded cool."

"I beg to disagree."

Voldemort made a choking sort of noise, and Wormtail said, "There there now, Master, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. I think it's a cool sounding name too."

"Thank you, Wormtail. But your opinion does not matter to me in the slightest. And yes, it is a cool name."

Sasuke just stared, a little. "In any case, Mister Mort. I am currently disinclined to give you my body because I quite like it and have things I need to do. With it. Now, if you will excuse me," he stood straight and tall-ish (standing at a fantastic height of 172cm, he was afraid he wasn't as tall as he would have liked to be), Sasuke gave the entire group a dazzling half-smile, half-smirk and said, "I have to go now. Goodbye," before taking off at a run. Which, due to his incredible ninja-capabilities, was about as fast as Super Man to the legion of ridiculous men in ridiculous outfits. (Though if one were to think it through, the ridiculous men in ridiculous outfits had probably never heard of Super Man, as it was very Not Cool to them.)

In any case, in a second Sasuke was gone, and Voldemort was left decidedly hot-body-less, and extremely disappointed. "I do wish I had gotten his name," whined the evil overlord.

--

"Where the hell am I?" Sasuke wondered after he'd gotten a good distance away from the graveyard full of Death Eaters (bloody ridiculous name, he thought.) He hadn't exactly had the chance to look around and figure it out when he'd first landed in that graveyard, but he did manage to conclude that the move he'd copied and used was some sort of warp slash transportation technique. Obviously.

After all, the architecture in this city was leagues beyond the architecture in his own and dude, what's that moving vehicle that's moving by itself and hoshit, where the fuck is he? So lost and beyond confused, Sasuke did what a smart, reasonable, and logical ninja would do. He stopped in the middle of the road, ignoring the honks and yells to move the fuck out of the way and hey you're kind of hot want to go out some time, and concentrated hard on the chakra readings of everyone as far as he could reach.

"Weak, weak, weak, hey that one's pretty strong, ooo, that one is stronger, hm... I think I will head in that direction." And so off he went, in the direction of some pretty strong chakra readings all clustered around the same general vicinity.

And that was how Albus Dumbledore met Sasuke: when he walked into Hogwarts unannounced in the middle of a pre-term faculty meeting.

Cheerfully and not at all shocked at the uninvited entrance of a complete and total stranger, Albus Dumbledore scintillatingly dismissed the professors, "Why don't you all go off and do something while I talk to my boy here. Go on, shoo." The professors harumphed and did as they were told, and when they had gone, Dumbledore turned back to the rather hot, and far too young for him stranger. "Why hello there, my boy, how are you doing today," sparkled Dumbledore's teeth.

Sasuke just looked at him funny. "Excuse me, but who are you?"

"Ah," twinkled Dumbledore's eyes, "but the question is, who are you?"

"Oh no you don't, I asked you first," demanded Sasuke. Oh, he had this game down.

"I," glistened the old man's glasses, "am Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of this grand school of Hogwarts, of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Sasuke hmm-ed skeptically, "...Hogwarts of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"

"Well actually, it's: Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but I'd said "school" once already and didn't want to be redundant," the old man's teeth scintillated, "now, I must know, who are you, and how did you manage to gain entrance to this school?"

"Nothing about you seems to want to be redundant," Sasuke muttered under his breath. Louder, he said, "I'm Uchiha Sasuke, and I walked in through the front doors."

"I...see," shimmered the headmaster, "this is most interesting. Most interesting indeed..."

Before the annoyingly coruscating headmaster could get lost in his speculations, Sasuke interrupted, "If I may ask, where exactly in the world am I, how can I get home, and why is everyone wearing a dress?"

"You, my boy, are on the illustrious planet Earth," the old man gleamed patiently. "Upon which you are in the Great country of Britain, and more specifically around the...England-ish area. How did you get here? And these are robes, not dresses. It is standard wizarding dress code to wear robes."

Sasuke tone was flat as he said, "England...ish? Okay, I will accept that. I have never heard of England before. Where on this world is Fire Country?"

"Maybe around volcanoes?" Dumbledore failed to sparkle for the first time as he guffawed at his own admittedly exceptionally in-poor-taste joke. "My apologies, my dear boy, but I have no idea. Are you certain that country is of this world?"

And that's when it hit Sasuke. Of course that's why as soon as Mr. I'm Hot But Homicidal used that teleportation technique his chakra signature completely vanished! Because he'd teleported from the entire dimension! Obviously this conclusion would not have come so easily to any other person, but Sasuke is an exceptionally intelligent person, and he'd also been privvy to some very unusual things happening in his mere twenty years of life. "I do believe it's not," he said in the tone of someone who had just realized something very profound, which he had, "I am from a completely different dimension. And I am stuck, in this world. Now, how to get back home... I suppose 3 clicks of my heels will not do the trick."

"Well, if it would help, you are welcome to our extensive library of magic if you please," Dumbledore flashed pleasantly.

"I do appreciate it- wait, magic?"

"Why yes, my dear boy," scintillated the headmaster, "magic. We are a wizarding society, you see, and as such, we use magic."

"Oh, I see," said Sasuke in the tone of a person who has just realized something profound. Or shocking. It was the same expression, anyway. "That makes a whole lot of sense now." Recovering, the ninja nodded at the old man, "Thank you very much, sir. I appreciate the opportunity."

"Also, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, my boy, this does happen to be a school, and for the better part of the year we have a lot of students wandering about. Starting say, next week. And it would be rather awkward if you, a stranger, were to constantly haunt the library or perhaps other parts of the castle during the duration of your stay-"

"I'd hardly haunt-"

"-and so I thought perhaps you might want to take on a faculty position in this school. Teaching. A teaching position. In fact, recently a position has become available-"

"Wait, hang on-"

"-as our dear former History of Magic teacher, the very informed Professor Binns has finally decided to retire. Would you, my boy, take that faculty position in stride?"

"Honestly, Mister Dumbledore, but as I said before, I'm not exactly from this world and would hardly have any knowledge of your world's history."

"Why that is no problem at all!" cried the headmaster who had never stopped twinkling as he spoke, "we have extensive historical tomes that you can do research in, and if all else fails, the majority of our students have never opened the History of Magic textbook and probably never will, and so you could easily make it all up and get away with it."

"Fantastic."

And that, you see, is how Uchiha Sasuke became the newest and youngest member of the Hogwarts Faculty.

"Oh, and Headmaster?"

"Do call me Albus, Mister Uchiha."

"Um, yes, Albus. Could you perhaps stop with the coruscating? It's really quite distracting."

Dumbledore just sparkled at him in return.

--

to be continued-ish

--

This is kind of completely and totally crack. Also I love it. I haven't written...wow, at all, since The World and then that CCS beginning-of-a-fic two years ago. It was also supposed to be much more serious than it is, but what can I say, it's uh, not. I do so apologize for that. Also, this entire, entire, entire story is hinged on the theory that as the Sharingan's only limit is bloodline limits, it should technically be able to copy materia based abilities and etcetera. You will not debate me on this issue, for this story is crack. Crack, I say, and I do not care if it does not, in fact, make sense in canon. Are we clear? Yes, yes we are clear.

Unfortunately, I must leave off here because I have a million assignments I'm obligated to do and this is already so much longer than I expected it would be. Also, sleep calls. As does work, but I think sleep is more important as of the moment.

Yes, this is the title. It is the best I can think of at 4am and I kind of love it. You, shush. But if it makes you feel better, the other options were: This Kind of Sucks, What Is This Faggotry, and Adventures of a Flamboyantly Gay Protagonist.

Send love if there is love to send! (Dude, wtf FFnet with your wierdass new posting system.)