August 28, 2005
Today was my first day at Wilson Middle School. Despite what Mom and Dad told me about California kids, they're actually not that bad. Well, for the most part. They're definitely preppier than the kids in Canada, and I'm pretty sure that they definitely like being indoors rather than outdoors. Which is weird. But they're cool. Anyways, I've already got some math homework to do, so I'll write more later on.
Peace,
Beck
September 1, 2005
I think I made some friends today. The first one was this girl named Cat. She has curly brown hair and a really high-pitched voice and she wears a lot of pink and talks a lot. She said I was cute. I hope I didn't blush or anything. At lunch, I met her friend, Andre. He has dreadlocks, which Dad would probably think is super cool, and apparently he's the best piano player at Wilson. Even though he's a sixth grader. He said I had interesting hair, which I thought was kind of funny because look at his hair, but he was nice. And at least I have friends now.
Peace,
Beck
September 2, 2005
Apparently Cat's best friend was sick yesterday, but I met her today. For one, I don't know how she and Cat are best friends. They couldn't be more different. This girl—Jade—wears dark colors and is really sarcastic. She said something funny at lunch today, but she glared at me when I laughed. I guess I can only say one thing for sure about her: she's really, really pretty.
Peace,
Beck
September 8, 2005
It's officially been a week since I feel like I made some real friends. We've sat at the same lunch table—me, Andre, Jade, and Cat—for a week now, so I think my odds are pretty good for keeping these friends. I still miss Vancouver, but I'm starting to warm up to LA. The people aren't so bad.
Peace,
Beck
September 21, 2005
I might have found out today why some people think Jade is mean. I guess she didn't always wear black and tell people to shut up. Cat told me today during Gym that last year (and all the years before that that she knew Jade, which I guess is a lot), Jade was really happy. I tried to ask what happened that made her sad, but then Coach Jenkins told us to talk less and actually play whatever dumb game we were supposed to be playing.
Peace,
Beck
September 23, 2005
Andre came over to my house today to hang out. Dad did think that his dreads were cool, and Mom asked him to play the piano for us because she loves the sound but doesn't know how to play. People were right. He's a great pianist. I tried not to be obvious about wanting to ask about Jade, but I couldn't help it. And eventually Andre told me that Jade's mom had died over the summer before middle school started. He said she had breast cancer. When I asked about her dad, all Andre said was, "Trust me, he sucks." I feel really bad for Jade. I know I don't know her that well, but she doesn't seem like the kind of person to deserve her mom dying. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry for her loss, or something nice like that, but Andre told me not to say anything to her about it. I guess it's a touchy subject.
Peace,
Beck
October 14, 2005
This girl named Shelby or Shelly or something winked at me today in English and then flirted (I think) with me for the rest of the day. She asked me what my favorite band was, and when I said The Cure she said it was hers too. Only I don't know how she knows The Cure because they're an old British band and she also didn't know what her favorite song of theirs was. Maybe I'm weird, but I guess I just don't like girls who have to lie about what they like to get a guy's attention. The interesting part about it is that I could swear I saw Jade roll her eyes from where she sits in her assigned seat near me.
Peace,
Beck
October 20, 2005
Okay, so I might have a crush on Jade. Maybe. A little one. So little that I don't even know why I'm bothering to write it down. Our only conversations happen at lunch and in the two classes we have together, but she's so funny and I wish I knew her better. It's also really hard not to stare at her pretty blue eyes.
Really, really hard.
Peace,
Beck
October 21, 2005
Jade's eyes were green today. Am I weird for noticing that? Did her eyes really change colors? Is that a normal thing, or is it just hers? I don't think my eyes have ever changed colors. They're just brown. Not nearly as cool as hers.
Peace,
Beck
December 13, 2005
Today, Cat came up with the idea to do a Secret Santa in our group of friends! We're drawing names tomorrow. I really hope I get Jade. She smiled at me today when I made a joke in English. It went away right after it happened, but I saw it. She's so pretty.
Peace,
Beck
December 14, 2005
I got Cat. At least it'll be easy; she's been talking about how badly she wants this Cupcake Cookbook for weeks now. I just wish I could get Jade a Christmas present without it being obvious that I like her. When I was at the mall last weekend with my dad, I saw an art set that I know she would love. She doesn't let anyone see her drawings except for Cat, but Cat tells me that she's an amazing drawer. Maybe someday I'll get to see one. I hope I do.
Peace,
Beck
December 19, 2005
We exchanged our gifts tonight at Cat's house. Jade had me! She got me a vinyl record of Disintegration, my favorite Cure album. I don't know how she knew it was my favorite, but it's the best present I've ever gotten. When she gave it to me, she said, "Andre said you liked this band, and my brother picked this one out at the record store. He's four, so if it's one of their shitty albums, sorry." I smiled at her and I said, "They don't have a shitty album, and this one's my favorite." Then Jade said, "whatever," and I kept smiling until she walked away. I guess I didn't really play it cool, but I can't help it. She's just so pretty. Anyways, Cat loved her cookbook, which made me feel good. Cat got Andre a year's worth of Belgian Hot Cocoa. Apparently it's his favorite. Andre got Jade a program to record music on her computer, which she really seemed to like. I guess she likes to sing, or maybe she plays an instrument. I wish I knew. It's Christmas break now, so I won't see Jade for a few weeks. Is it weird that I already miss her?
Peace,
Beck
January 4, 2006
I saw Jade today! It wasn't too cold, so me and Andre went to a local park to play some basketball, and Jade was there in the playground area with her little brother. She was sitting on one of the benches, half reading a thick book and half watching her brother climb around the jungle gym. I think it's nice that she was taking him out to play. I bet she's a great sister. Me and Andre went over to say hi to her, and her little brother even came over to see us. They look pretty similar—but his skin's not as pale and his hair's a little lighter and his eyes are a mix between green and brown. (I think there's a name for that, but I can't remember what it is.) He told us that he's Elliot West and that he'll be four in May. Jade gave him a teasing, skeptical look and said, "How old?" Then she helped him fix the number of fingers he was holding up and he immediately jumped and stuck up all of his fingers and said "Five!" He ran off and I told Jade he was cute, to which she replied that he's a "cute pain in the butt." I think the whole thing just made me like her more. And she's still so pretty. Anyways, we go back to school on Monday, so I'll get to see her every day again. And that's pretty exciting.
Peace,
Beck
July 26, 2006
Today was Jade's birthday party. We went to dinner together—me, Jade, Cat, and Andre—at this awesome sushi place called Nozu. It was my first time there, but it's one of Jade's favorites. I'll remember that. She had a vegan cake, which, when I told Mom about it, she thought was super cool. Mom's been a vegetarian since she was 9. Me and Dad have tried it before, but we really like pepperoni pizza. Anyways, Jade's cake was delicious and we sang her Happy Birthday and she promised to kill all of us for it. I gave her that art set I'd wanted to get for her, and her face lit up like I'd never seen it do before. My stomach did this weird flip kind of thing when she smiled and thanked me. I don't want to assume anything, but I think my present was her favorite.
Peace,
Beck
November 10, 2006
Tonight was the showing of the Wilson Middle School fall musical. I was too shy to try out for an acting part, but I did go to see my friends. Andre played piano for most of the songs, Cat had a supporting role (she was awesome!), and Jade was the lead. Jade is really shy about letting people hear her sing, but there was no hiding it tonight. Not only was her acting the best, but her voice was amazing. I guess I should have known that if her talking voice is really pretty, her singing voice would be too. But I wasn't expecting it to be that perfect. I wish I could hear her sing every day. After the play, I went up to the stage to see all three of them. I brought flowers for Cat and Jade, because I couldn't just give them to Jade without it being obvious that I like her. Thirty minutes ago, Jade texted me (!) a picture of the purple flowers I'd given her. They were all cut up and a shiny pair of silver scissors was in the picture, too. The message said, "They look better like this, don't ya think?" At first I was surprised that she had chopped my flowers into pieces, but I decided to just be excited that she texted me at all. I texted back that she did some pretty nice work with her scissors, and she replied with a scissor emoji. I wanted to respond, but the conversation had kind of ended and I didn't want to seem desperate. I told her she did great tonight anyways—even though I'd already said it at the play—but she didn't reply.
Peace,
Beck
PS – Wait, she just texted me! She said, "Thanks, Oliver". I think even her texts are pretty.
May 31, 2007
We finished 7th grade last week. It wasn't too much of an eventful year, other than that a new kid came to Wilson at the beginning of the second semester. His name is Robbie and he has curly hair and glasses. Cat met him in her Art class and invited him to sit with us at lunch, so he's been a part of our group since then. I leave for summer camp tomorrow. It's a two-week-long acting camp that my parents let me sign up for, and I'm really excited. After that, I'll have the rest of the summer to hang out with my friends. I hope I get to see Jade a lot.
Peace,
Beck
July 5, 2007
I can't believe it. I finally did it last night. I finally told Jade. My parents let me bring her, Andre, Cat, and Robbie up to our lake house for the 4th of July. We had a ton of fun on the lake all day, and then my dad helped us set off fireworks later last night. After, when my parents had gone inside and Cat, Andre, and Robbie were busy playing a card game, me and Jade walked out to the deck.
"Thanks for coming this weekend," I say, swishing my feet back and forth in the water. Her pale legs are dangling off of the dock, too, and she gives me a tiny smile.
"It was fun. Your parents are pretty cool."
"Don't tell them that," I laugh. "My dad thinks he's cool enough already." She laughs, too, and then she doesn't say anything. She stares at the reflection of the moon on the water until I speak again. "Hey, Jade?"
"Yeah?" Her eyes don't move.
"Can I tell you something?"
She waits a few seconds. "Yeah."
"I," I start, trying not to sound nervous. "I kind of... I like you."
She looks up at me after a bit, with her really pretty blue eyes, and says, "Okay."
I think it's the prettiest thing I've ever heard her say.
Peace,
Beck
July 10, 2007
I asked Jade on a date today! I called her and asked if she'd want to see a movie tomorrow afternoon, and she said yes! She said her brother has a play date with one of his friends from school, so she's free for a while. I wonder how often she takes care of her brother. Maybe I can ask her tomorrow. Mom says I should wear my red and black plaid button up shirt, because it looks nice on me. I think that's a good idea. I just hope Jade likes it.
Peace,
Beck
July 11, 2007
My date with Jade was the only one I've ever been on, but I hope that all my dates can be just like last night was. Dad drove me to pick her up, and I met her at the door. Her brown hair was straight and she looked really pretty. The movie was good, I think. To be honest, I was more worried about seeing if she'd ever set her hand between us so I could hold it. She didn't, but I don't mind. Just being with her was enough. I also noticed that she smelled great. I don't know if it's a perfume or her natural smell, but it was really nice. I can't wait until our next date.
Peace,
Beck
July 23rd, 2007
Well, I can officially say that yesterday was the best day of my life. Since our first date, Jade and I have been on three more. We went to Ripley's Believe It or Not, which was freaky—but Jade loved it. We also got lunch at my mom's favorite vegan cafe (and I held her hand for the first time as we walked there), and three days ago we took her little brother to the park. Elliot was excited that we were taking him, and I think he likes me. One thing I noticed is that Jade is really protective of him. I think, maybe, that she's sort of almost like his mom since they lost theirs. If it's even possible, that makes me like her even more. Anyways, back to why yesterday was the best day of my life. Mom and Dad said that Jade could come over. I think they both like her. Mom says she's spunky and Dad thinks she'll keep me on track. Maybe that's because she's really disciplined. Me and Jade had a plan to watch the first two Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and then go see the third one in theaters. The second one is my favorite, but I guess it's slow at times because we got a little distracted.
I don't know exactly how it happens, but somewhere between Jack Sparrow and Will Turner escaping the Kracken and ending up on the new island, Jade and I end up staring at each other. We're sitting on my couch, and I had put my arm around her at the beginning of the first movie. I lean in, and then I'm kissing her.
She starts to kiss me back and I wonder if I'm imagining the whole thing in my head. Her lips are soft and I don't want to get ahead of myself so I pull back for some air. I almost mumble an apology, but then she presses her lips to mine and we're kissing again.
Somewhere in the middle of what had turned into a series of long kisses, we knocked over the bowl of popcorn that my mom had brought up for us twenty minutes ago.
Let's just say that we'll have to re-see the second and third Pirates movies, because neither one of us knows what actually happened.
Best. Day. Ever.
Peace,
Beck
July 25, 2007
Jade and I went on a walk through my neighborhood earlier today, and I asked her to be my girlfriend—officially. She hesitated, which basically scared the crap out of me. But then she started saying how she doesn't know if she'll be the best girlfriend because she has to watch Elliot a lot and she doesn't want to spend tons of time away from him. I promised her that I would do my best not to get in the way. After all, I like Elliot. He's the coolest six-year-old I know. And since he means everything to Jade, he means a lot to me, too. Eventually, we talked it out. And we kissed again, and it was great. And I'm the happiest guy alive because I've got the best girlfriend in the world.
Peace,
Beck
August 18, 2007
Today—today being the first day of school—I learned two things. First, I learned that it's going to be really hard to have Jade as my girlfriend at school. This is because—as you know—she's really, really pretty. And a lot of other guys stare at her. I guess I didn't realize just how many guys stare at her until I had the official job (as her boyfriend, of course) to tell them to stop. Today, our group of friends was walking to our new 8th grade lunch spot when this guy Forrest told Jade that she looked hot. I quickly told him to back off, and then he walked towards me like he wanted to fight me for saying anything at all. He asked me what my problem was and who gave me the right, and Jade told him immediately that she did because I was her boyfriend. I think that's the first time she's ever used that word in reference to me. I've gotta say it was pretty great. And that's how everyone found out that Jade and I had started going out over the summer. Well, that and Cat telling everyone. The second thing I learned today is how much fun it is to have Jade as my girlfriend at school. We held hands and I walked her to her classes and she seemed more comfortable with me than with anyone else. I've gotta say, that part was pretty great, too.
Peace,
Beck
September 9, 2007
Wow. I don't even know if I can write down all of the stuff that happened today. You should probably know that I think I'm in love with Jade. But I guess I'll start from the beginning. This morning, Jade's dad picked me up from my house because I was going with him and Jade to Elliot's soccer game. Mr. West is tall and intimidating, and he didn't say much to me after I introduced myself. But the ride to the game was fine because I got to see Jade and I helped Elliot finish putting on his shin guards and shoes. Once we got there, Jade and I sat on the bleachers together and I held her hand. She put her head on my shoulder and we cheered for Elliot and I could have stayed just like that for hours. Five minutes into the game, Mr. West got a business call (or at least that's what he told us) and had to leave. He said he'd be back to pick us up in an hour. Jade rolled her eyes, but when I tried to ask about it she made it clear that she didn't want to talk. So we didn't—yet. Instead, we watched the two teams of six-year-olds kick a ball around, and it was actually pretty funny. Elliot waved to us and we waved back proudly (I didn't tell Jade this, but that part felt kind of like we were his parents.) After the game, Elliot got his snacks and we told him he did a great job. He seemed sad, but not surprised, that his dad wasn't there. That made me upset. But he also did seem happy that I was there with Jade for another person to see him play. Usually, I guess, it's just her. Since we were still waiting on Mr. West to pick us up, the three of us walked over to the playground to the side of the field. Elliot was more than happy to get to climb around, and me and Jade sat on the swings nearby.
It's quiet for a few minutes. The silence was nice, but I almost open my mouth to say something when I see that Jade is getting ready to talk. I drag my feet against the gravel below us and keep my eyes on her.
"My dad is a jerk." I don't say anything, hoping that she feels comfortable opening up to me.
She does.
"He didn't want Elliot. He was mad when my mom found out that she was pregnant again." It's quiet for another few seconds, but she eventually continues. "I was eight when she had Elliot, and the two of us loved him."
I notice how her face lights up a little bit.
"I helped her change his diapers and we played with him and watched him crawl and then walk. He was really cute as a baby," she tells me, smiling. "My dad was never home—he was always at work—but it didn't matter because me and Elliot had my mom. She would read us books and fix my hair and we made the best homemade pizzas in the world. I don't know if my dad was happy about me being born fourteen years ago, but I know my mom was. There are hundreds of pictures of her with me when I was a baby, and all of me growing up. She was the best mom. And she was my best friend."
I swear that, right then, I hear her sniffle. She's looking down at her shoes and I reach out to grab her hand. "It's okay to cry," I say after the silence has set.
"I don't cry," she reassures me, and then, to my surprise, she gives me a small smile. "My mom used to smile a lot. When she found out she was pregnant with my brother, she cried. At first I felt bad for her, since I thought it was because my dad had been upset about it. But then she smiled really big and told me that they were happy tears, because she loved being a mom and was so excited to have another baby. I thought the idea of 'happy tears' was dumb—I still do—so I promised myself that I wouldn't cry happy or sad tears ever. I don't think that anything good comes from crying."
I nod my head and squeeze her hand. "I bet your mom was awesome," I say.
"My dad didn't deserve her," she agrees. "I know that she only stayed with him because she wanted me to have a dad. And then, when I was in fifth grade and Elliot was three, she told me she was sick. My dad was home more with us when she was in the hospital, but that only stressed him out even more. She died the summer before I started middle school."
At this point in our relationship, I think I know Jade better than to say I'm sorry. So I don't. "What's her name?" I ask instead.
"My mom?"
"Yeah."
"Hazel." She says it with a smile and I think that's the second that I fall in love with her. I also notice that she smiles when she talks about her mom. "Hazel Elliot West. My brother got her maiden name," she explains.
"You're a really good sister to him, you know," I tell her.
"He needs me. And even though he's a pain sometimes, I don't know what I'd do without him."
I grin like an idiot because, in that moment, I'm so dumbfounded by this girl and by how beautiful and smart and caring and loving she is and all I can think of is how I want to hold her hand for the rest of forever.
I can't believe that she told me all of that, but I'm so glad that she did. I really think I'm in love with her. I don't know what to do with that so I guess I'll just keep it to myself for a little while. I don't want to pressure her or freak her out or anything.
But I'm definitely in love with her.
Peace,
Beck
November 15, 2007
Jade came over for dinner tonight, which was really fun. Mom says that nights when Jade eats at our house are her favorite because she has an excuse to cook a great vegan meal. Dad and I don't mind eating vegan, but we just don't do it a lot. When Jade is over, though, Mom makes sure that she can eat every single thing on the table. The first time she came for dinner, she was really shy and I was worried that she didn't like my parents. But then I reminded myself that my parents are too relaxed to freak her out, and eventually Jade got more relaxed, too. Tonight, Mom asked her if she wanted to give our piano a try—a sly way of asking if she'd play. She did, and it was really beautiful. She's a great pianist. After dinner, Dad dropped her back off at her house and I walked her to her door. I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her and she said it back (our fourth time!). When she opened the door, Elliot was waiting to say hi to me. I hugged him and ruffled his hair and told him I'd see him soon, and then Dad and I went back home. It was a great night, if you ask me.
Peace,
Beck
January 20, 2008
Me and Jade both applied to Hollywood Arts High School today! We have our auditions next week and we find out sometime a couple of months after that. I know Jade will get in because she's what they call in show business a "triple threat." That means she can sing and act and dance—and probably all at the same time. I just hope I can nail my acting audition. I guess that's what all these camps have been for. I'm going to Jade's now to rehearse lines for our auditions.
Peace,
Beck
March 1, 2008
WE GOT IN! ME AND JADE BOTH GOT IN TO HOLLYWOOD ARTS! AND CAT AND ANDRE AND ROBBIE, TOO! I'M GOING TO THE COOLEST HIGH SCHOOL WITH MY BEST FRIENDS AND MY GIRLFRIEND!
PEACE,
BECK
July 27, 2008
I've been crazy busy these past few days—and even the past month! At the beginning of July, my parents agreed to buy an old RV from my uncle, who bought it from Fat Biscuit! Dad helped me move my stuff from my bedroom to my new home in the driveway (that sounds weird, but I swear it's cool), and then Jade, Cat, Andre, and Robbie came over to help me decorate and organize. July 25th was my and Jade's first anniversary. I can't believe we've been dating for a year. I'm so lucky. I hope we date for a long time. I guess fifteen is too young to talk about forever, but I don't want to have any other girlfriend besides Jade. And speaking of my lovely girlfriend, yesterday was her fifteenth birthday! Mom wanted to make her birthday cake—which Jade tried to feel bad about but we refused to let her—so all of our friends came over to my house for her party. We ordered delivery from her favorite vegan place, played poker, and swam in my backyard pool. After she blew out her candles, I stuck a big glop of icing on her nose and she laughed. My heart beat really fast, like it always does when she laughs, and she wiped it off of her face and all over mine. Sometime in the process of our cake fight, Cat took some pictures on her phone. Jade was annoyed at first, but now one of the pictures is the lock screen on her pearphone. (It's mine, too.) We ate cake and she opened her presents, and once everyone had left I gave her mine. I decided to do a combined anniversary/birthday gift. The day before yesterday, I gave her a book she'd been wanting and a long letter telling her all my favorite things about her. Last night, I gave her one of the necklaces that I'd made. I put mine on, and then a matching washer ring hung on her neck, too. I told her that when we started high school in a month, everyone would know that we were together. Always. I guess she liked it because she kissed me, and then things sort of sped up and eventually our clothes were off. We didn't have sex, but I guess you could say we got close. Turns out this RV has quite a bit of perks.
Peace,
Beck
October 18, 2008
High school ROCKS. Everyone is talented and the teachers are geniuses and you can see the Hollywood sign from where we sit at lunch! Today was funny because the school's guidance counselor, this guy named Lane, told me and Jade that if we don't "tone down the PDA" then we'll have to come to his office. We just laughed and walked away from Jade's locker so that we could make it to our theater class on time. That's both of our favorite class because we're in it with all of our friends. Our teacher, Sikowitz, is kind of insane, but he knows what he's taking about. I've gotta go now because Elliot has his first basketball game tonight! He joined a 1st-2nd grade team, and I think he's pretty good!
Peace,
Beck
April 13, 2009
Jade and I got in a fight today. We have little disagreements all the time, like about what to watch or where to eat or the fact that I breathed in the direction of another girl. But today was a bigger fight, because she felt like I wasn't being sensitive to her not getting a big part in the school play. I wasn't trying to be mean at all—I just don't know how she expected to get a lead in a musical when we're only freshmen. We gave each other some time to cool down, and I delivered her favorite vegan cupcakes to her house with an apology note. Then I texted her to ask if she wanted to come over. I hope she does because I miss her already.
Peace,
Beck
July 7, 2009
It feels weird to be writing this down, but I guess it's definitely something worth remembering. I can officially say that I am no longer a virgin. Jade came to the lake house with me and my parents for the Fourth of July, and while my parents were gone at a party across the lake for a few hours, Jade and I took advantage of our time in my room. It was on a twin bed and it was kind of hard to get situated, but once we figured everything out it was actually fun. Jade is so pretty, and I'm glad that we were each other's firsts because it feels like our little secret. I guess it sort of is. It's just something between us two, and it felt right. We laughed a lot during it, and then the laughing sort of stopped because Jade couldn't really make any sounds (and neither could I). We did it a few more times before we were too tired to do it anymore. And then we laid on my bed together and just talked, and I wish that summer could last forever so that we could spend every day just like that. I guess it's a good thing I live under my own roof.
Peace,
Beck
August 18, 2009
Two years later and I finally figured out what Jade's smell is. I think it's some kind of combination of her natural scent and this perfume. She left it on my bathroom counter this morning. It's called Chanel No. 5. I took a whiff of it, but it doesn't smell the same in the bottle as it does on her.
Peace,
Beck
November 29, 2009
Yesterday was a day that I'll remember for a long time. Mr. West was out of town for business, so Jade and I had Elliot for the weekend. The day started with his soccer game at 9 in the morning. It was early to be up, especially for a Saturday, but I never mind. Jade, however, had had two cups of coffee by the time I got to the West house to pick them up—and she was barely keeping her eyes open. They won the game, and then the three of us went out for pancakes afterwards. Elliot and I shared a huge stack of chocolate chip ones with Oreos and Reese's in them, and Jade opted for a smaller vegan vanilla stack while telling us how we're both going to have clogged arteries as adults. After that, we went bowling and Jade beat us both by a long shot. I should mention that she looked really good doing it, too. Around dinnertime, we decided to make a homemade pizza. I didn't want mention this, but I think it was the first time since Mrs. West dying that Jade had done it. Me, Jade, and Elliot worked together to make the best, half-vegan half-not pizza that's ever been made. We ate the whole thing, and Elliot decided that he wanted to make pizza at least once a month. I think that sounds like a great plan.
Peace,
Beck
PS - I forgot to mention that every time Jade bowled a strike, she would turn around and give me this evil, sexy smirk that really turned me on. I don't know if that was the best or most torturous part of the day. It turned out okay, though, because after we had put Elliot to bed, we went back to Jade's room to...well, you know. I told my parents I was staying over at Andre's house, and Jade and I got to spend another great night together.
January 17, 2010
Today sucked. And by sucked, I mean I can't think of anything worse that could happen. Last week, a new girl showed up at our school. Her name is Tori and she's actually really nice. I'm stupid, though, and somehow thought that it would be okay to kiss her in an acting challenge during Sikowitz's class on her first day. I don't know what I was thinking, or if I was thinking at all. But the second I pulled away and saw Jade's face, I could barely breathe. I know people say that a kiss always means something, but I swear that this one really didn't. I feel stupid even writing that down because it doesn't sound real, but it is. But the fact is that Jade deserves better than someone who would kiss another girl. I decided not to call her because I felt like it would only make her even madder, and now almost a week has passed by and we're not talking and I feel terrible. At first I was just mad at myself, but then English class today happened. We had gotten assigned to write Shakespearean style poems, and Mr. Kelly asked if anyone wanted to share. No one answered for almost a minute, and then I think my heart stopped beating when Jade raised her hand and said she'd read hers to the class.
She walks up to the front of the room and takes a deep breath before looking at her paper. "I hate the way you talk to me," she starts, "and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare."
My heart is beating so fast that I can hear it in my head, but she doesn't stop. "I hate your big, dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick—it even makes me rhyme."
She still hasn't looked at me.
"I hate it. I hate the way you're always right; I hate it when you lie. I hate the way you make me laugh," she continues, then looking up at me. "Even worse when you make me cry." Her voice cracks on the last word and I feel nauseous. Her words are weak and broken for the rest of her poem.
"I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all." She makes eye contact with me for just a second before bolting out of the classroom.
I don't think I've ever felt this awful in my life. I just want to make things right with her, but I don't even know where to begin.
And my sheets smell like Jade and Chanel No. 5.
Beck
January 19, 2010
I woke up at Jade's house today, if that tells you anything. After an extensive apology, a dozen flowers for her to cut up, and a marathon of all three Scissoring movies, we fell asleep on her couch in each other's arms. I couldn't be happier that things are back to normal. There's one person besides Jade's, though, whose trust I had to earn back. Apparently Elliot wasn't too happy about the fact that I was the reason for Jade's tears last week. I can't even begin to describe how badly it makes me feel, and the fact that he had to witness it too nearly broke me. That being said, I think we repaired things this morning when I made him his favorite breakfast. We practiced basketball outside on the driveway of their house while Jade sat on the porch reading her book, and I promised Elliot that I'd never make his sister cry again.
I really intend to keep that promise.
Peace,
Beck
September 28, 2010
I really want to have kids with Jade someday. I know we're juniors in high school and it's really early to even think about that, but what happened last night makes me want to think about it. Me and Jade were hanging out in the RV, and I think it was around 9pm. Jade got a call from the landline at her house, and it was Elliot. Apparently Mr. West hadn't come home from work yesterday. The poor kid was in tears and terrified to be home alone, and Jade and I both freaked out. Who the hell forgets to come home to your nine-year-old son? Anyways, we were at the West house in an impossible five minutes, and we ran inside to find Elliot sitting on the floor his closet. Jade hugged him tighter than I'd ever seen, and I packed a bag full stuff he'd need to spend the night and for school tomorrow. While he went to the bathroom, Jade had to calm me down a bit. I guess I seemed more riled up than I thought I was, but I couldn't help how angry I felt. Elliot didn't just feel like Jade's responsibility; he felt like mine, too. We took him back to my RV—which he loved because he's always thought it's the coolest place—and got him all settled in on my couch. One glass of milk and an episode of SpongeBob later, he was out like a light. Jade and I got ready for bed then (she looks so much better in that red and black plaid shirt than I do), and she curled into my arms as we snuggled under the covers.
"Thank you for tonight," she says, tracing her finger along my chest.
"I wouldn't have done anything else," I answer honestly and press a kiss to her forehead.
"You're so good with him. I'm really glad he has you."
"You're the one who's been like his mom for just about ever, babe," I remind her. "You're incredible." She doesn't answer, and instead lays her hand flat on my skin and closes her eyes. "Hey, Jade? I've been meaning to ask for a while, but I always forget. Why Chanel No.5?"
She smiles against my chest. "It was my mom's."
I sigh and kiss her again. "It's perfect. Goodnight, babe. I love you." (At this point, I've lost count on how many times we've said it.)
She mumbles the same words back to me, and next thing I know we're asleep.
One day, I hope we can tuck our own kid into bed.
Peace,
Beck
May 15, 2012
I'm graduating high school today. I don't know what's crazier: the fact that I'm about to start college with my girlfriend of almost five years, or the fact that I've actually somewhat kept this journal going since I was in sixth grade. Andre, Cat, Robbie, Jade, and I are going to a celebratory party at Tori's house later this afternoon, and then my parents are taking Jade and I out for a nice dinner. In August, we both start at the University of Southern California. We'd also both gotten accepted to NYU, which would have been a great choice if either of us felt okay with leaving Elliot here. We didn't, though, so we're moving into an apartment close to campus in a couple of months. There's a spare bedroom, too, open to Elliot for whenever he wants. I can't believe he's eleven already; sometimes I look at him and see the four-year-old kid I met in the park so long ago. Anyways, I'm just excited for what's to come. As long as I've got Jade, I'll be a happy guy.
Peace,
Beck
January 20, 2014
Yesterday felt like old times. Elliot's 7th grade basketball team had a Father-Son game to raise money for their upcoming tournament, so me and Jade had planned to go. (We haven't missed a game.) Mr. West promised Elliot that he'd be back from his business trip to Florida in time for the game, but he called the night before to say he "wouldn't be able to make it." Elliot almost missed the event altogether, but I dusted off my old basketball shoes and took a few warm-up shots before telling him that I'd rather play with him than sit in the crowd any day. Jade watched from the bleachers with my parents and they all cheered us on, and we all went out for pancakes afterwards. Me and Elliot shared the same stack that we had a few years ago, only this time we got extra chocolate sauce and laughed off Jade's claims that we were going to puke it all up later.
Peace,
Beck
July 25, 2017
Today is my and Jade's ten year anniversary. Lucky for us, we're simple people who wanted to only have to remember one date. So we made it easy on ourselves and scheduled the wedding for the same day. If you're thinking I'm getting married today, you would be absolutely correct. I don't think I've ever been more nervous or excited in my life, but the good thing is that it doesn't really matter what I look like or do because everyone's eyes are going to be on my beautiful soon-to-be-wife anyways. Maybe this will be the one time in my life that I don't mind everyone staring at my girl. After all, any guy who sees her in that dress will only have insane jealousy that I'm the lucky one who gets to spend every day for the rest of my life with her.
I need to stop writing now, because even writing that sentence gave me chills. Next time I pick up this old thing, I'll be a married man.
Peace,
Beck
March 8, 2019
Nothing compares to today.
"Babe?" I've only just walked into our room when I can tell that something is off. Jade is sitting on our bed, hunched over just slightly. She's crying—that I know right away—but I can't imagine why. (She'd been nominated for her first Oscar this morning, after all, and if that's not something to brighten a day then I don't know what is!) "Babe, what's the matter?"
I sit down to join her on the mattress and she looks up at me through tears. The most bizarre thing, though, is that she's smiling. "These aren't sad tears," Jade tells me, taking both of my hands in hers. I know instantly what she means, and I can't stop myself from asking.
"Are you—"
She nods her head, and then I'm grinning right alongside her. I pull her in so that her happy tears are soaking my shirt, and we sit contently like that for I-don't-know-how-long.
I'm going to be a dad. And Jade's going to be a mom. And Elliot's going to be an uncle. And all we have to do is wait nine months.
Peace,
Beck
November 4, 2019
Dear Beck,
First of all, stop peering over my shoulder. You can read this later. Second, you should know that you look really, really sexy holding our baby in your arms.
I can't wait to read this whole book of your thoughts and prove how big of a sap you are. I can only imagine what the thoughts of eleven-year-old Beck look like…dear God.
That being said, I can't imagine anyone who'd be a better dad to Hazel. Is this the first time her name is written in this book? I guess I'll find out soon.
I love the way you stare at her. I guess she's pretty hard not to stare at. She's so beautiful. She's going to rule the world with those green-brown eyes. And you and I are going to get to watch every second of it.
I love both of you so much.
I love you, Beck.
Jade
This was written in two days thanks entirely to "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell.
Also, Jade's poem is from "10 Things I Hate About You," aka the best movie ever.
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