Hey, here's my first oneshot on FFN as YamiNoTomoyo. It's been way too long. Yes, I'm a returning FFN-er who can't remember her old account's password. I also have no intentions of telling you what said old account IS, so get over it and read the story. I don't want to be that account anymore. Thanks.
Sakura felt oddly distanced from the world. One moment, she had been listening in on Tomoyo's and Chiharu's scintillating conversation. And now she was thinking, observing, seeing without hearing. As though she wasn't there…
With some difficulty, Sakura pulled her mind back into the conversation, at precisely the right moment.
"…Emi-chan has some possibility. But really, in the end, I guess I think Aka-kun will probably win…" Tomoyo mused, thinking.
"Wow," Chiharu replied. "I don't think you've been so excited for a running race since the one between Sakura-chan and Li-kun!"
Tomoyo's eyes widened. "Chiharu-chan!" she whispered loudly, looking at Sakura worriedly.
Chiharu squeaked in horror and looked at Sakura as well. "Oh, Sakura-chan, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"I'm fine," Sakura replied, smiling. "Really. No harm done."
"You're sure?" Tomoyo asked. "I mean, I know you…"
"Really, Tomoyo-chan. I had to get used to it at some point," Sakura said cheerfully. "You really think Aka-kun will win?"
No, that smile's fake…
I'm not cheerful at all. But I'm not sad either.
I don't feel anything hearing that name. Nothing at all.
Later, she wondered at herself. Why hadn't it hurt?
It was after school. Kero was downstairs, helping Fujitaka cook – one of his favorite things to do recently, because he got to eat along the way.
Sakura opened up her wallet, and then pulled out a picture from one of the pockets meant for a credit card.
The photograph was of two children, perhaps around the age of twelve, prepubescent and innocent in nature. The boy gave off a serious impression from his formal and clean clothes and his warm, serious eyes, but he was stepping out of those boundaries and being a little silly by kissing the other one in the picture on the cheek. She was a young girl who radiated youth, sweetness, and innocence. She was blushing bright red when the picture was taken.
Sakura stared at it, waiting. Surely… Any second now, it would come.
That excruciating combination of long-gone happiness and tearing, shattering pain.
Any second now.
No. There's nothing. How could you feel something?
There's nothing left of me.
No emotions.
Just a shell of a girl, acting for the world outside
Pretending she's one of them – an alive one.
She wasn't sure how long exactly she stared at that picture, but it had to have been a long time. When she was next aware of more than just herself and that picture, it was when Kero yelled from downstairs, "Hey! Come on down to eat, Sakura! And you too, onee-chan!"
Sakura almost giggled when she heard Touya's shout – "I'm not a girl, you toy!" – but found that she couldn't. It was funny, right? She was supposed to laugh. But she didn't.
Emptiness. Hollowness. Void of everything…
I wish it would hurt.
Then I could feel the things that don't hurt, too.
Sakura walked outside her bedroom, and a smile instantly formed on her face, without her will.
But her thoughts were still distant, still wondering. Still thinking. What did she gain by living like this?
In her distraction, her foot slipped, and she began to fall. Instinctively she tried to curl into a ball, protecting herself…
Sakura toppled down the stairs. She felt something hit her head - hard.
And then it all went black.
I don't know. Was it an accident?
It might have been. It might not have been.
But I'm not sure… I'm not sure I want to go back.
And yet… I'm being pulled away…
"Sakura-chan… Please, can't you wake up? Please, for everybody's sake…"
It was Tomoyo's voice. Sakura opened her eyes without a second thought, and looked to her right. Tomoyo stared back at her wide-eyed, her eyes in tears.
"T-Tomoyo-chan?"
"She's awake!" she exclaimed happily. "Oh, Sakura-chan, we were all so worried! Is it painful? Are you okay?"
"What are you talking about? What happened? Why…" Sakura frowned. "Why am I in the hospital?"
"You fell down the stairs… You broke your left arm in two spots, were bruised everywhere, and your head was hit, knocking you out. The doctors say it should still be really painful… Are you okay?" she repeated.
Pain… It's there. By my head and my arm.
I feel it. But why can't I feel it?
Should I be happy to live?
Should I be crying out in pain?
She wanted to smile, to reassure her dear friend… But no smile came to her lips.
Expressionlessly, Sakura answered, "It doesn't hurt. Don't worry."
"But… It should."
"Well, it's painful… But it doesn't hurt," Sakura replied, being truthful. But Tomoyo was still puzzled, trying to figure out her friend's cryptic answer.
And why did Sakura look so… Why did she seem to be dulled from her usual bright self?
A doctor rushed in at that moment, effectively cutting off Tomoyo's question. After them followed Fujitaka and Touya, for whom Sakura was able to muster up a small, timid smile.
But the smile hovered dangerously, fragile and certainly far from stable.
It's so tiring… So draining to be here.
To live.
I'd rather slink away to the nothing…
Being is such a hard task.
With her arm in a cast, she later returned home, as cheerful as ever to everybody else. At school, people signed the cast, giving her their sympathy. She accepted it with a smile.
Tomoyo still watched her, however. Those sharp eyes of hers did not miss the times when people looked away, and her smile disappeared instantly once nobody was looking.
Something was not right here.
These people love me.
I am happy about that.
They want me to stay, to be there, to live…
All around me are people who love the dead.
Later, Sakura was tired. It had been an exhausting day for her, dealing with so many people who were giving her their regards.
The tiredness was visible. Fujitaka saw it when she came home.
"Tiring day?" he asked.
"Yeah… It was good though," Sakura said cheerfully. "May I go for a walk? I think it'll refresh me a little bit."
"Of course."
"Thank you, otou-san!" she said happily.
Emotions…
I know of them. But I don't know them anymore.
I'm not living now.
He's stripped me away… I'm nothing.
And so nothing will I be.
Sakura watched people on her way to the park. They were smiling. Children played happily, or walked alongside their mothers and fathers. People were thinking, running about, living, being themselves. Some were worried, some were happy, some were in love, some were confused.
None of these included Sakura. She was a category all her own, there…
Eventually she reached the bridge. Beneath it the small river flowed, emptying into the little lake. It was a serene, peaceful spot. Nobody was around.
Looking into the water, Sakura saw her reflection.
Yes, that was her. The girl of nothing.
Maybe, Sakura thought, I'll lean in for a closer look.
Sakura leaned in to see a closer look. She leaned further and further, watching her reflection the whole time…
And eventually, there was no reflection looking back.
Nothing.
Two things, for those of you less attuned to the writing - no, the italicized parts aren't lyrics, they're Sakura's thoughts, and they're completely original. No songfic here.
Oh, and yes. She killed herself at the end, drowned herself. Sakura committed suicide. Thanks for asking. You're welcome. My policy is to reply to reviews, so if you ask any questions, you'll get some answers. Sounds nice, doesn't it?
So, feel free to click the review button. I'm a review whore in need of some ass-kicking praise, please.