For a long time he was just - there, at the periphery. Anna had worked with Jessica a couple of years ago, and they'd stayed friends after she'd left, and now Jessica was engaged to (and living with) Sven, and they liked to socialise and invite people over for parties and dinner and to play board games and watch bad films, so over time their friends became Anna's friends.
It was weeks before she spoke to him, besides asking him to pass the salt or apologising when she trod on his toe while walking past the sofa. Weeks before they had an actual conversation. But before that, she'd been - aware of him. Felt his gaze on the back of her neck sometimes. Found herself watching his hands when he opened a bottle of beer or moved a game piece. There was something there, something almost magnetic, and the more time she spent near him the stronger it became.
"Is Kris seeing anyone?" she said to Jessica, super-casually, in the kitchen at their Eurovision party.
"Why?" Jessica said. "D'you like him?"
"No, I'm just - making conversation…"
Jessica looked at her, amused, then said. "Yes, sorry, he's a girlfriend."
"Who has?" asked Sven, leaning past them to reach the corkscrew.
"Kristoff. Has a girlfriend."
Sven gave Anna the same look Jessica just had, then said "Oh, yeah, what's-her-face."
"You don't know your best friend's girlfriend's name?" Anna said, trying to make a joke to cover her embarrassment.
"Oh, he knows it," Jessica said, "It's Maria. He just pretends he doesn't because he doesn't like her. It's very childish," she added to Sven, who just grinned at her and went back through to the living room.
"Why doesn't he like her?"
"I don't know. He thinks she's a bit of a drama queen. I wouldn't have thought he was your type," she continued. "Kris."
"I'm not saying he is," Anna said quickly.
"You usually go for the smooth talkers."
"I guess. Have I met his girlfriend?"
"Possibly not? She doesn't come here often, she doesn't like Sven much either. She's indifferent to me, as far as I know. She's Italian, long black hair, busty, wings her eyeliner."
"I wouldn't have thought that was his type. Kris's."
"Well, apparently it is. They've been together a couple of years, on and off."
The next week they went to the pub quiz. Sven, and Jessica, and Anna, and Katie, and Tim, and Kristoff.
"No Maria tonight?" Anna said to him as they sat down, unable to stop herself.
"Not her thing," was all Kristoff said.
Kristoff turned out to be very well-read. Sven was better at the sports questions, and Anna was good at music, and Jessica knew all the celebrity news; Katie was pretty good at current events, and Tim knew plenty about history, but Kristoff was definitely a reader. He was calmly confident when he knew an answer, and wouldn't let Sven - who had declared himself Team Captain and commandeered the answer sheet - write for him. Anna had told herself not to sit next to him but instead she had ended up opposite, and couldn't help constantly catching his eye. Each time he would smile, and she would try not to blush.
He wasn't even that good-looking! He had okay eyes, and a reasonable smile, but his hair was scruffy and he had a big nose and Jessica was right, normally she liked charming men, men who made an effort. Not someone in a plain blue t-shirt and jeans with a hole in the knee - not ripped jeans, jeans with an actual hole - who mainly sat back and listened to everyone else talk.
When he did speak, though, it was always something worth saying.
He touched her shoulder when he asked what she wanted to drink. Because he could do that, he had a girlfriend, so no one would read anything into it, he was just trying to get her attention.
Nevertheless, her heart thrilled to it - he touched me - and then she felt ridiculous and silly but she couldn't help it. She was beyond being able to help any of it.
The next week at the pub quiz Anna was, by some miracle, a few minutes early, and the only other person there was Kristoff, sat at a table by himself with a pint of beer and his phone. Anna almost hesitated to join him, then told herself off and sat down as naturally as she could.
And he said "Oh, hi, Anna," and they talked, although she was so cherishing the fact that she had him all to herself that later she couldn't remember what she'd said. And then after a few minutes Sven and Jess arrived, and a couple of other people, and she had to move up, and throughout the evening her knee would occasionally touch Kristoff's - she didn't do it on purpose, of course not, but sometimes it would happen. The evening passed far too quickly.
She'd never seen herself as the pining type. If you wanted something, you went and got it. But age had brought with it enough maturity to recognise that sometimes it was worse to rush in. And there were some things you just couldn't have, anyway, and another's woman's man was one of them.
She did finally meet - or at least see - Maria at Jessica's birthday party. It was a house party, and very well-attended. Anna only managed to say a quick 'Hi' to Kristoff as she passed him in the hall, but she saw him many times, always with Maria holding his arm or hanging round his neck or dragging him along by the hand. He seemed happy enough.
It was a couple of weeks later, during an early summer barbecue, that Jessica cornered her.
"So, Anna," Jessica said. "I was wondering about something. I don't think I've ever known you be single this long before! Is that deliberate? Or have you run out of men?"
"I'm not that bad."
"No, seriously, is everything okay?"
"Yes! Yes, I guess." Anna hesitated. "It's just," she said. "I like this guy…"
"Oooh, I knew it!"
"...and he has a girlfriend, so."
"Serious girlfriend?"
"I think so, yeah."
"Aw, bugger. Bad luck."
"Exactly." Anna sighed, then squared her shoulders. "So, either I wait for them to break up then throw myself at him in my usual fashion, or I wait until I've got over myself and find someone else to throw myself at. I'll be fine, it's just, you know. Not great, at the moment."
Jessica squeezed her arm sympathetically. "Is it someone I know?" she said.
Anna bit her lip. Jessica smiled. "You know, it's funny," she said. "I thought you liked - but he's single. So it's not him. Oh! I know what I'm going to do!"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to throw a dinner party and invite all my single friends and pair you all up -"
"Jess -"
"Oh, just for fun! It'll be a laugh. Go on, say you will. I'll find you someone nice."
"- okay, fine. Whatever."
The last person she expected to see at Jessica's singleton-dinner-party was Kristoff. But there he was, in the kitchen, opening a bottle of wine.
He smiled when he saw her. "Hi, Anna." She felt herself start to blush, and quickly accepted a glass.
"Hi," she said. "I thought -"
"Thought what?" He wasn't looking at her, was lining up clean glasses.
"I thought this was a singles event. You know. Jessica kept talking about how she was pairing up all her friends."
Kristoff looked confused. "I'm single," he said. "Did you think I was still with Maria?"
"Um. Yes?"
"Well, I'm not." He pulled a face. "So I got enlisted, as a spare man, which is very flattering."
"So you're - unchaperoned."
"Mmm."
"Maybe you'll get into mischief."
He smiled at her again then, a warm smile that made her stomach flutter. "Maybe I will."
I thought you liked - but he's single. Oh, oh, oh. Thank you, Jessica. Suddenly this evening was looking up, very very up.
"Food!" Jessica announced from the dining room. "Everyone come in here - right, Kris, you're here next to Sue - and Ranj, you're with Anna - aaaand Alison and Tim over here." She beamed, pleased with herself, and Anna's mood evaporated. She wasn't being set up with Kristoff. She was being set up with this man, who was probably perfectly nice, but she didn't care, she wanted to stamp her foot and say but I want that one.
Kristoff was sitting down where he'd been put, and introducing himself to this Sue woman. Anna hesitated, standing in the doorway, until Ranj pulled out her chair and raised his eyebrows at her. Right. Okay. Yes.
After the meal, Tim offered very swiftly to walk Alison home, and the two of them left together. Everyone else had another drink, then Sue left, then Ranj, and by dint of a certain amount of lingering Anna managed to be left with just her hosts and Kristoff.
"So?" Jessica said cheerfully, as they all sat down with another drink. "How was my matchmaking? Are you going to give her a call, Kris?"
Kristoff sighed. "Jess, she's a perfectly nice woman but you know I only came to make up the numbers. Because you needed another man and Sven said 'call Kristoff, he finally gave Maria the heave-ho.' I'm not looking to start anything new right now."
"She liked you," Jessica said.
"And I did not say you'd given M the heave-ho," Sven added. "I said you'd kicked her to the kerb."
Kristoff rolled his eyes. "She was perfectly nice but I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now," he repeated. "Give me a chance to sort my head out."
"How long ago did you break up?" Anna asked.
"Fortnight or so."
"That's ages," said Sven. "Go on, make Jess feel useful, take her friend out." Kristoff drank his beer, his jaw set.
"Alison and Tim seemed to hit it off," Anna said quickly.
"They did," Jessica said. "So that worked out. How about you and Ranj? What did you think?"
Anna hesitated. "He was…"
"You don't have to be polite," Sven said. "He's a friend of a friend. Tell us what you really think."
Anna looked at Jessica, who nodded.
"He was - fine," Anna said. "But there's a line, you know, between charming and smarmy. And he kept crossing it."
"Fair enough," Jess said.
"And he kept mentioning about how he was a doctor and he did a lot of private work, which is code for money, isn't it," Anna said. "And he said it a few times, which was a bit - obnoxious."
Jessica nodded. "Fair enough," she said again. "You can't win 'em all."
"You let her off pretty easy," Kristoff complained. Jessica finished her drink.
"Well, I didn't have high hopes for Anna," she said. "Because Anna is madly in love with someone, but she won't tell me who."
Anna froze, her glass halfway to her lips.
"Alright, you've had enough," Sven said, taking Jessica's glass away. "Sorry, Anna."
"It's okay," Anna muttered. Her whole body felt blazing hot. She could feel Kristoff's eyes on her, and when she glanced at him - she just couldn't help herself - he was giving her a long, appraising look.
"I'm sorry, Anna," Jessica said. "You know what, I'm just going to - check something in the kitchen. Sven, could you help me, please." She left, and after a second Sven followed her, looking confused.
Anna finished her drink, and put her empty glass down on the coffee table. The clink briefly broke the silence, but then, for once in her life, Anna couldn't think of anything to say. Her heart was racing.
Kristoff cleared his throat. "Anna," he said, his voice gentle and low. She looked up at him, and there was something in his eyes that made her shiver; a warmth, a question.
And she didn't really know what to do with that. All she knew, all she was good at, was acting and pushing through, doing something unequivocal and definite and working out how wise it had been afterwards; and alcohol, of course, helped there.
So she stood, and she walked over to him, and she took his glass and put it down on the coffee table, and then she climbed into his lap and said "You and me, then - how about it?"
Kristoff looked at her, looking a little shocked. Anna looked up at him through her eyelashes, and pushed out her chest, and tried to kiss him - but he leant back, then put his hands on her hips - but only to lift her up and set her back down on her feet.
"I don't think so," he said.
"What?"
"I don't think so, Anna."
She took a step backwards and stumbled against the coffee table. The empty glasses fell over, and at the sound Jessica and Sven came back to the doorway.
"I'm going to go," Anna said.
"What?"
"I'm going to go," she repeated. "Home. Thank-you-I-had-a-lovely-evening-" and she quickly gathered her bag and her coat.
"Everything okay? Wait, I'm sure Kris will walk you -"
"I'm fine, it's not far - bye -" and she was out the door.
Anna was wobblier than she'd expected in her heels, so after a hundred yards she wrenched them off and carried them. She knew her face was bright red and her eyes were stinging with humiliation. Why had she, how had she, oh god. Oh god.
"Anna! Anna, wait." It was Sven, and he was jogging up to her. "You okay? What happened?"
"Nothing - I - I think I've had a bit too much to drink. Need to get home…"
She kept walking, and he fell into step beside her.
"If it were a different man we'd left you in the room with I'd worry he'd done something inappropriate," he said.
Anna squeezed her eyes against tears. "Not that," she managed to say.
"I know. I mean, if it was, just say, and he's dead to me."
"I appreciate it...but no. My fault. Had too much to drink. You didn't need to come after me."
Sven said nothing, just reached out and put his hand on her arm for a moment to direct her around a lamppost.
"My fault. I'm such an idiot," Anna muttered to herself.
They walked in silence for a moment, then just as they reached her door, Sven said "Look, Kris is a decent guy. I'm sure whatever happened, it's already forgotten."
Anna just nodded, said "Thanks," and went inside.
She'd thought she'd felt bad when he'd been unobtainable. But now - she'd never been rejected so firmly, so completely, so politely. I don't think so. There was nothing to do but cry herself to sleep, then lie in her bed all morning feeling sorry for herself, then scrub her face clean while crying in the shower, then lie on the sofa all afternoon crying into the cushions.
His smile, in the kitchen at the start of the evening. She'd let herself believe in it, load it with significance when it was just a smile for a friend. An acquaintance. Someone who kept turning up at the same social events as he did so he had to be polite. And she'd made a fool of herself, a complete and utter fool, and now he probably thought she was ridiculous and she'd never be able to look him in the eye again. No more smiles. She didn't deserve them.