A/N: Hello everyone! It's been a really long time since I've written anything on fanfiction. I still have incomplete stories and sometimes I want to continue them but can't find the energy to do so. Today I've got some inspiration for something different, so here it goes...

WARNING: this story is about rape and will contain a rape scene, though I will only go into as much detail as I find necessary to tell Bella's story. Approach with caution if you're uncomfortable with the topic.

Extra note: I think enough time has gone by that I can write fanfiction in the present, without phones and dial-up internet, and with mobile phones and text messages at least. It just feels more natural in the year 2018

Chapter 1

I woke in a blissful daze. My mind was aware of my surroundings before I'd opened my eyes. I heard the sounds of traffic from the street below and saw the faint light from the street lamps filter through my eyelids. But most of all I felt so heavy and comfortable between the soft sheets and in the arms of the 'man' to whom I'd pledged my life, my existence.

Married. It still sounded strange to me. And at the same time it felt so natural. We were to be together forever. It was mostly just the wedding part that had been awkward to me. The issues with Jacob, the presence of my parents and friends, the whole extravagant party Alice had set up at the Cullen house… It had all been a bit much.

But then I'd had the most heavenly honeymoon with Edward, on the island Carlisle had once bought for Esme. A whole island just to ourselves. In what world had I fallen? How could my life have gone from the most regular and uneventful to…to this?

And the most magical part, the most incredible, the one I'd waited for the most, ever since I'd gotten to know Edward really, was the 'honeymoon' part. Edward and I had had sex for the first time. I'd had sex for the first time. It had pushed my heart to the very farthest limit it could go before bursting into joyous fireworks. Finally being able to cross that line, to be the closest to Edward I could ever be…

I hadn't expected it to change my outlook on life so much, to change my outlook on human life so much. Suddenly I found myself wanting more, wanting that experience again and again. The short few weeks we spent on the island weren't enough. I wanted more time, more time to enjoy this part to the fullest before things might change.

I'd been so anxious for so long to be a Cullen, a true Cullen. Partly because of all the disasters that had happened and that I did my best to forget now. I'd wanted to change so badly.

Having sex…it really does changes things. Not only my plans to become a vampire as quickly as possible. It also changed me. My body felt different somehow. Even though I was as uncoordinated as ever, my body felt more…full, more balanced, more sexy and feline. I felt more confident, I felt like I minded Alice's ridiculous outfits less. NOT that I didn't mind them at all, I minded them LESS. The sexy underwear Alice had packed for me for the honeymoon had made me feel so sexy for Edward. It had been obvious what he thought about it. It had been the first time I'd felt this way with him. It made me feel so much more confident. I still knew I was plain, but I couldn't deny Edward wanted me, in every way. His words had always assured me of that, but seeing it, feeling that desire was a whole other thing.

I sighed in contentment as I felt Edwards arms constrict around me, squeezing my waist lightly. I knew I'd see him if I opened my eyes and turned my head, but the actual sight of him, even in the faint artificial light coming through the window was just…too much to take in so early after waking.

"Breathe, my love." Edward chuckled. How many times had he had to remind me to use my lungs? He always found it funny, and the sound of his laughter just made my heart flutter and my lungs suddenly go into overdrive.

Edward smiled his crooked smile, the same as always, and stroked my hair, breathing in the scent of it as he did.

"What time is it?" I mumbled sleepily.

"It's just past six in the morning. I've been considering whether to stay since you fell asleep again." He whispered to me, his eyes still closed and his nose buried in my hair.

I flipped over to face him, wanting to enjoy the full sight of him. He was still naked. I was still naked. I'd woken in the middle of the night after dreaming about our time on the island. It hadn't taken long for me to make my intentions clear and for him to comply with my demands. He very rarely refused me. And sometimes, just sometimes, it happened that he initiated it, though he was always careful to make clear I could refuse. He always waited for me to respond before going on, which I'd always done.

"You have to go." I sighed, my heart already breaking at the idea of being separated from him, if only for a few days. Alice was still looking into her past in her hometown, trying to find connections to her old family. She'd asked Edward for help in making the first contact with them. With his mind-reading ability it would be much easier for her to make sure everything happened smoothly. She also needed some support. Even with Jasper around she seemed pretty anxious and distressed at the idea of meeting family members. Alice was still much in the dark about her human life. The unknown was pretty much the only thing in the world that could make Alice feel bad and insecure.

I felt horrible to not be able to join her as well. I wanted to be there for her as she'd always been for me. What kind of sister was I to let her down at her time of need? But both her and Edward has assured me that she would be fine, and that I couldn't miss any classes in the first few weeks of the semester. I hadn't really picked what I wanted to do specifically yet and was still going to a wide range of classes.

I didn't care to miss it, I'd have more than enough time to attend college in the decades, probably centuries to come. Again, it was only because Alice and Edward absolutely insisted that I make the most of my human college year that I was staying behind and letting Edward go alone. How could one argue against both of them? Just one was hard enough.

One human year. That was what I'd asked for. I must've been crazy. After all my tantrums and negotiations to become a vampire as quickly as possible, suddenly I'd asked for one year at college. All the Cullens were thrilled of course, Edward especially. And seeing Edward so blissfully happy about it was really the cherry on top. Again, how could my life have become so heavenly? It really wasn't healthy, I worried.

"I'm going to miss you." Edward said, his eyes looking into mine before slipping down to my lips. He stared at them intensely for a while as if memorising the sight, then moved slowly, giving me time to react. I didn't need much time to move to seal our lips together. As soon as we made contact I moved to crush my body against his, feeling like there was still too much space between us.

"I'm going to miss you so much." I gasped when I came up for air.

"I'm so sorry, love…" Edward began with a pained expression, stroking my cheek. "I have to be at the airport before sunrise." I nodded, trying to keep a straight face at this news. Why had I gone back to sleep? I could've had more time with him if I'd stayed awake after we'd made love. "I can reschedule for a later flight…" He suggested, probably not fooled by my usual terrible attempts at lying or hiding my emotions.

"No, no. That just delays the inevitable." I shook my head as I told him as assuredly as I could. "The sooner you leave, the sooner you come back." We both smiled at this. It was the best argument I could make.

He kissed me and hugged me close, inhaling my smell one last time before slipping out of bed. "I'll be back by Friday morning, I promise." He picked up his travel bag that had been lying ready by the bedroom door, and with one last glance at me he was out the door. I didn't even hear our apartment door open or close.

I sighed deeply and lay staring at the ceiling, allowing myself to pout for a while. This sucks. The bed didn't feel so comfortable anymore with the weight that was usually beside me missing. I rolled over several times, not succeeding in regaining the lost comfort. The sky steadily turned lighter outside, the traffic noise increasing from the occasional car to a steady rush hour flow.

After indulging in my gloominess I glanced at the bedside clock. It was almost eight in the morning. I had my first class of the day at nine: anthropology. It was a short drive from the apartment we rented to campus. Scratch that, from the apartment Edward rented. Despite my many persuasive arguments that I had to use my savings for something, since Esme and Carlisle had insisted on paying my tuition, my bank account lay untouched but for my gas expenses and the second-hand car that I had bought with help from Charlie and Renee. Everyone was just giving me money and it was horrible.

I decided to buy groceries on the way back from class today. That'll teach them. I thought grumpily. But then I remembered I really was just cooking for myself. I missed cooking for Charlie. It had been my routine for a while. Sadly there was no point in me cooking for Edward, though he always made a point of praising my cooking. You don't even like human food. I always rolled my eyes at him. That doesn't mean I can't recognise that it would look good to a human. He'd retort.

I stumbled out of the bedroom and into the small living space and open kitchen. It was just him and me living here, attending college together, so I'd insisted on keeping it reasonable. I'd gone to considerable efforts of finding out how much the apartments that Edward was considering cost, so that I could veto the ones I thought were way too expensive. With Edward being so happy to just get this extra year it had been easier than expected to get my way.

The sun was now definitely rising above the buildings. The fall had begun, and though temperatures were much higher here than in the state of Washington the days were shortening considerably. Good news for Edward, who'd suffered the most from my choice of college. I'd decided that I wanted to share my human college experience with the only friend from Forks High School I was really going to miss: Angela. She'd settled on a state school much further south, which I fully understood after a lifetime under the clouds. But Edward had had to skip most of the classes already, to my greatest chagrin. With the shortening days and the worsening weather he'd have more freedom to move around with me.

I'd slipped into my t-shirt and panties that Edward had taken off of me last night and got myself a bowl of cereal. Some habits don't die. I spooned a few mouthfuls into my mouth, wondering if I'd miss eating food when I did turn immortal. With my newfound appreciation of the sexual human experience came a sudden awareness of all things human. Humans are fascinating, I found myself thinking regularly. Then wondered if my delightfully enthusiastic anthropology professor was growing on me. Wouldn't it be ironic if I went on to study humanity, knowing that I would soon not be part of it anymore?

My breakfast-time musings got me to forget the time and I found myself foregoing a shower and hastily throwing on clothes and preparing my bag before walking out the door, down the stairs and to my new car, parked down the block.

It was small, it was green, like Forks, and it was old. That was all I could tell and that was all I was interested in. I was very happy with my car that I had, at least mostly, paid for myself. I patted myself on the back again for standing my ground against Edward and Alice, who'd been trying to push their idea of my ideal car on me, and then headed into traffic on my way to class.

The day was calm and uneventful, and though my full schedule of classes kept me busy until six I still felt much unhappier than I'd been in weeks. I'd spent many days at school without Edward, due to the sun problem, but I could always look forward to coming home and finding him at the apartment, or waiting in my car in the parking lot on days that classes ended after sundown. Then I'd tell him about all the classes he'd missed, how many times I'd almost fallen over, the people I'd awkwardly said hello to as Angela and I explored student life.

Tonight the apartment would just be empty. I tried to cheer myself up by thinking of the dinner I'd cook, the bath I'd take with Edward's music playing, the book I'd read in bed before going to sleep. It only worked a little though.

Come on, Bella. Pick yourself up. Other people don't mope around because they have to miss their…husband…I winced a little at the word,…for a few days. Except for Angela, who'd been at our wedding, we hadn't told anyone on campus that we were married. For all people knew we were just simple boyfriend and girlfriend. I wanted my only human college year to be at least close to normal, and being the only married couple at 19 years old wasn't going to get me that. I was relieved Edward hadn't seemed too disappointed. I was sure he understood the logic behind it.

I was waiting for Angela to meet me at the cafeteria after classes. We had a group assignment together and since making dinner just by myself didn't sound that appealing to me in the end I'd figured why not eat together while we worked on it. She'd happily complied. Since she lived on campus dorms, she ate most of her meals at the cafeteria anyway.

I took the time to send my first text to Edward while I waited by the entrance. Twelve hours apart was long enough to excuse my first text message, wasn't it? We didn't text each other often, since we saw each other every morning and every evening, and all day when the weather was overcast.

Hey. I began tentatively. I missed you today.

I barely slipped my phone back into my pocket that it vibrated again.

Hello, my beautiful Bella. There isn't a second in a day that I don't think about you, whether I'm with you or not. Today was no different. Did your classes go well?

I couldn't help but smile, hoping that no one was seeing my embarrassing public display of emotions.

It was fine. I didn't quite follow in Philosophy though, I'm going to need your help on that :s

According to my research that emoji means you're embarrassed. Don't be, nothing would make me happier than looking it over together.

I chuckled at Edward's attempts to catch up on 21st century trends like emoji's. Of course he was getting it right, like he always did, but it was so cute to see him put in an effort. I was used to texting with my classmates, with Angela and occasionally with Jacob, to see how he was doing back in Forks. But the Cullens only texted when they had important messages to tell and couldn't call for some reason or other. And with all the time in the world on their hands they rarely needed to talk to each other outside of emergencies. How much out of touch with the world was I going to be when I turned? What would the world look like in a century? I realized I was actually going to see it happen.

"Hey, Bella." Angela's voice tore my attention away from my phone. I looked up to answer her greeting, only to do a double take on the girl standing behind her. I'd seen her in the only class she had with me and Angela, her name was Chrissy, but I hadn't really talked to her much. "Chrissy's partner has dropped out of the class and she has to join another group. I told her she could work with us…if you don't mind?" Angela asked me uncertainly, probably feeling bad that she'd made a promise without asking me. But I didn't mind at all. Angela was sweet to everyone, I certainly wasn't going to stand in the way of that.

"No! …Of course. No, that's fine…yes!" I managed to blurt out, the surprise making me incoherent for a moment. "Has Angela told you what we're working on already?" I turned to Chrissy with a smile, hoping to redeem my awkward reaction.

"Yes!" She answered enthusiastically. "And I think it's way better than what I was doing with Dan. He wasn't really serious about it anyway. Thanks so much for letting me join, you're both lifesavers!" She gushed out happily. My first impression of Chrissy as an extraverted, easy-going person was reinforced. This made me feel just a little bit more at ease. I could just let her talk and I wouldn't have to contribute so much to the conversation, and she wasn't prone to suddenly hate me for some reason I couldn't understand. It would turn out fine.

"Let's get something to eat and then we can get straight on it." Angela encouraged as she lead the way inside the cafeteria. Chrissy and I followed.

The conversation was easy, our ideas worked well together and soon we had divided the labour for the assignment and had another appointment to work on it together. We finished our drinks as we put away our stuff and Chrissy started talking about all the on campus activities of the week.

"There's a blood drive in front of Feynman Hall on Thursday at noon. You have to come." She smiled broadly at both Angela and me. I already started thinking up an excuse to avoid having to go and faint in front of everyone at the sight of the syringe, and people's blood and...god knows what else.

Angela saw my face and laughed out loud. "I'm not sure Bella is up to it, Chrissy. We had blood typing once at school and…"

"And it was horrible." I quickly finished before she could reveal the story that everyone in Forks had heard at least three times.

"That's too bad!" Chrissy gushed out without missing a beat. She reminded me a bit of Alice with her unrelenting enthusiasm. "Then you have to come to the chem lab party tomorrow! It's in someone's house right outside campus. But it's a big house and there's a pool and everything! It's been every year and this year's the last because the chemistry student whose house the party is at is going to graduate. But I heard it's always been so much fun and the science faculty always go crazy on parties."

"Crazy parties…" I trailed off with a meaningful look at Angela. She responded with the same look on her face.

"We'll see, Chrissy." She said tentatively. She never dared to say no outright, and I wasn't a champion at it either, except with Edward and Charlie. But Angela and I were just as enthusiastic about a crazy party as my Charlie was of going to a shopping mall opening. How were we supposed to worm our way out of this one?

"It's the last year they do it. Come on, you have to come!" Chrissy went on. "You won't have the opportunity to experience this again. Plus it's a good way to get closer to everyone, maybe extend your network a little?"

I saw Angela furiously thinking up an excuse. But my thoughts were going back to the empty apartment. No matter how much I tried telling myself it was nice to have the apartment to my own for a few days, I dreaded finding it deserted. Edward had always been there for the almost two months since we'd moved in. It might get my mind off it to go to a house full of people instead…

Besides I did want to get the full human experience. The only house-parties I'd had had been organised by vampires. That didn't exactly count as a human experience. Like Chrissy had said, I wouldn't have the opportunity to do this again, at all. This was my last year. It was time to make a bucket list.

And now was the best time. Edward was gone, I was a slightly pathetic lonely girlfriend. I needed to prove I had a minimum in social skills, to make some friends at college outside of Angela. It wouldn't be much of a human year if I spent it all with Edward.

All these arguments added up in my head until amazingly, the next words came out of my mouth: "What time is it?"

Chrissy's face lit up and while Angela's eyes snapped back to me in surprise and frankly, slight shock.

"Uhm, Bella, are you sure about this?" She frowned at me.

I nodded, feeling more confident by the second. I didn't want to just pout and sigh all day, waiting for Edward to come back. I wanted to be fun, and confident, and interesting. This was as good a time as any other to do it. "Why not? If it's the last year…" I smiled reassuringly at Angela. I was now hoping that she'd agree as well, because if I had to go alone I was sure I'd feel much less happy by this time tomorrow at the prospect of the party.

"Uhm, yeah…okay." Angela said slowly, probably getting used to the idea of me and her going to a 'crazy party'. "Do we have to bring anything? Is it okay if we're not invited?" She asked Chrissy uncertainly.

"Of course it's okay, silly." Chrissy laughed wholeheartedly. "They might ask a fee at the door for food and drink, but I'm not sure. I didn't ask about that part. I'll meet you at the west parking lot at ten-thirty. Apparently it's just a twenty-minute walk from there."

And with that we exchanged phone numbers, as much for our group assignment as to meet up for the party the next day. Chrissy gave us a spontaneous kiss goodbye on the cheek and walked away with a wave. She was definitely very Alice-like.

"So…I guess we're going to a party." Angela giggled at me. I giggled back, wondering I was going to hate myself for this in the morning.

A/n: I don't usually write very long author's notes, not having very much to tell except my story, which is the whole point here, isn't it? I just want to say I really enjoy writing and giving shape to my ideas, and it would mean so much to me if you gave me feedback on it. Fanfiction is there to share :)

Wish you all the best!

Aoiika