DISCLAIMER...THING: All right, you guys want a disclaimer I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCLAIMER! I don't own Hidan or Lee or Kakuzu or said characters' houses. I don't own Christmas or Jesus. I don't own New Year. I don't own Santa, his reindeer, or his elves. I don't own polarbears. I don't own candy canes. I don't own Jingle Bells. I don't own Halloween. I don't own Oprah Winfry or her show. I don't own Battleship, Yahtzee, or Scrabble. I don't own dice. I don't own the number 10 or 5. I don't own any numbers, really. I don't own Mountain Dew. I don't own evil laughter. I don't own Jashin or said religion. I don't own boxers. I don't own sneezes. Long story short, I don't own a DAMN thing in this story. So, on with the crack HidaLee-ness I hope you'll enjoy. 8D

"Fuckin' hi. I'm Hidan and I-" SLAM! The door hit my nose again. "Ow! Motherfucker! You didn't have to hit me with the door you fucking asshole!"

As you can tell, my name is Hidan and I'm here to tell you about a very important day in my life. It was right around Halloween, but since everyone is retarded and are always a holiday ahead, Christmas lights were scattered around every other house. Since Christmas is against my religion, I either shot down the lights or simply unplugged them. However, shooting them down was more fun.

Anyway, the night started like most Kakuzu and I roaming around villages to spread my religion.

"Hidan, shut up," Kakuzu sighed. "God, why do I even bother to come with you on this shit? It's not my religion…"

"Because you fucking love me, Kakuzu!" I smiled widely at him.

"No, that can't be it…" Kakuzu said tapping his chin. Since when does that bastard tap his chin, anyway? "Well, I'm leaving. I'm going to go steal money from little kids or something. See ya." Kakuzu started walking away.

"Well who need you, you son of a bitch?!" I called after him. "Good riddance and a happy New Year, too, you fucking asshole!"

He flicked me off and left.

"Yeah, I love you too, fuckin' idiot!" I mumbled. Heh, and he wonders why I make him sleep on the couch.

We came to the next house and walked up to the door. This house was almost screaming 'I'm gay and have no life! Please come and convert me to your religion before I fucking kill myself!' Well…more or less…

Christmas decorations were EVERYWHERE, dammit! The house was glowing I was for damn sure you could see it from space. Fake, plastic candy canes lined the driveway and walkway up to the house. Statues of elves and polar bears and Santa were scattered through out the huge lawn. The fucking doorbell sang 'Jingle Bells' when you pressed it for Jashin's sake! And, remember, it wasn't even Halloween yet.

I rang the doorbell impatiently. I wanted to get the fuck away from these pathetic mortal decorations. They were just a sign of how ignorant people are these days. By the time someone got to the door, I was so pissed I was trying to gnaw off the doorbell. But as soon as I looked up at the face at the door, everything changed.

"Hello, how may I help you, kind sir?" The kid looked at me. His face screamed 'I'm a fucking virgin, asshole. Sacrifice me, dammit!' His eyebrows were bigger than his eyes; he had sparkles stalking him; and he wore a retarded looking green jumpsuit. This kid was like the sacrifice every deranged psycho killer dreams about.

I had to get him to come home with me. Using my quick wits and suavity I came up with this: "I'm frickin' Hidan. I'm a Jashin's Witness. Now I'm going to take you to my house whether you like it or not, dammit."

The kid frowned slightly. "Aw, but I am going to miss Oprah!"

I sighed impatiently. "Well record it or something, dammit!"

"But I do not know how!" He whined.

Holy crap, did this kid live under a rock? "Well, buy it on DVD later! We have to go!"

"But I don't have a DVD player!" He whined as I pulled him out of his house.

I decided to just get him off of the damn subject. "What's your name, kid?"

His eyes brightened. "I am Rock Lee of Konohagakure! I will train hard and defend said village or I will-"

I cut him off. "Dammit kid, shut the fuck up, would you?" I put two fingers over the bridge of my nose like you do when you have a headache. "Could you talk about something that WON'T give me a fucking migraine?!"

"You mean like poetry or the literary arts?" Lee tilted his head.

"...What?" I said, wide eyed. "What the hell is a literary art? Does it cause pain?"

"N-no..." Lee blinked at me, ashamed.

"Well, hell no!" I scowled. "Something mind numbing and pointless!"

"...Like Poke`Mon?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, there you go!" I said. I was extremely proud. I was turning this well mannered, smart kid into a dull minded killer. Though I wasn't going to know him for more than I few hours, I was becoming attached to the little retard. Not literally of course. We haven't even dated yet! _-.-_

"No, dammit!" I cried. This couldn't be happening. No. Not to me. "You bastard! You sunk my fucking battleship!"

Lee beat me at battleship AGAIN. Jashin, is this what that kid did on weekends?

"Oh, come on!" He smiled. "Best 101 out of 103?"

I glared at him. "You're just pissed 'cause I beat you at Yahtzee!" I shouted and stuck my tongue out at him.

"You cheated and you know it!" He shouted back.

"How the fuck did I cheat?!"

"Yahtzee consists of five dice..."

"Yeah, so?!"

"You used ten!"

I sighed impatiently. "What's the fuckin' difference?!"

Lee smirked. "Five."

I had to count on my fingers a couple times to make sure he was right. As soon as I calculated the equation (whatever the hell that means) I rolled my eyes. "Ha ha, you're hilarious. Now, there's only one was to settle this. A game of smarticles and big words. A game that makes you think and makes your fuckin' brain go 'BOOM!' A game of the champions!" _-.-_

"Scrabble? Seriously?" Lee raised an eyebrow as soon as I pulled the game out of the dusty old fuckin' closet.

"Hey!" I snapped. "Seriously is so my word. Anyway, Scrabble is fun! It's makes you be smart. Just look at me! I'm the Scrabble champion!" I stood heroically.

Lee thought about this for a minute. "All right, I suppose one game will not kill too many people..."

And so the game began. I started to get the feeling Lee might be a little smarter than me. He was putting these big ass words on the board. Words like 'phone' and 'poverty' and even 'cheese'! CHEESE! I know, right! What an ass!

I looked at the score then back at my letters. I had almost nothing and I was loosing 55 to 0. Then, I looked at my letters again. I had a word, all right. A word that struck terror into the hearts of children!

"K-A-T! Cat! Take that, bitch!" I smirked.

Lee hesitated. "Hidan, that does not spell anything. You see, cat is spelled with a C-"

I turned my head towards him slowly. "I SAID I spelled cat. I spelled cat, didn't I?!" I towered over him.

"Y-yes! Yes you did Hidan-san!" He laughed nervously.

I smirked again. "I thought so. Your move, asshole."

Lee thought for a moment. He sighed, took a few letters and put them on the board. The word made NO fuckin' sense.

"B-boook? Book?" I scowled at the board. "What the fuck is that?!"

"You have never read a book?" Lee raised his eyebrows.

"It's probably against my religion..." I leaned back.

"Is there anything that is NOT against your religion?" Lee asked, irritated.

"Mountain Dew," I smirked and, with my magic skillz of doom, pulled a Mountain Dew out of nowhere. You see, that's one of the perks of being a Jashin's Witness. You can pull Mountain Dew out of fuckin' nowhere! I mean come ON! Who doesn't want to pull Mountain Dew out of thin air!? I mean, would you rather walk to fuckin' Kwik Trip and pay like, a bajillion dollars for one or would you rather just pull one out of the air?! Who the hell wants to buy Mountain Dew when you can get it for free?! All you have to do is kill a bunch of people! Isn't that great! I know, right! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAAAAAA! AHAHA! AHAHA! AAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA! AHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA! AHAHAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHA! AAAAHAAAAHAHAAHA! AHA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHA!

AHAAAHAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAA! AHHHAAAHHAAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAA! AHAHA! AHAAAA! AHAAAAAAAAHA! AHAAA! AHAHA! AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAE! So, back to the story.

"What is a Mountain Dew?" Lee tilted his head.

I was so shocked I spit the fuckin' Mountain Dew out. It hit Lee in the face, but that's beside the point. "You've never had Mountain Dew?! You fuckin' deprived child!" I pulled out (out of the air, of course) my emergency 'Deprived Child Who Has Never Had a Mountain Dew' kit, which consisted of a funnel and a gallon of Mountain Dew. I took the funnel and shoved it down Lee's throat and poured the gallon of Mountain Dew down at once.

Lee made some choking noises, which I ignored. After he drank the whole thing he just kind of froze for a minute. Then, it began. The wide eyes, the huge smile and the bouncing off the walls.

I ducked out of the way. "Holy shit, kid! What where you're fuckin' going!"

He looked at me and stood in front of me. "Hidan! Hey, Hidan! Guess what! Hey, Hidan, you have to guess what! Come on Hidan, guess! Come on! Come on, Hidan! Guess! HIDAN!!"

"WHAT?!" My eye twitched as I yelled above him.

"Hi!" Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he did Kendra's famous 8D face.

I paused. "Did you forget your medication or is this all just the Mountain Dew?"

"Oh my god!" He screamed. "Oh my god! Oh my god! OH MY GOD!" He was bouncing up and down. I was getting a fucking headache just watching the little bastard.

"What?!" I scowled.

"I forgot my medication at my house!" Lee gasped. "What am I going to to?!" He looked up at me with sad, tear-filled eyes.

I sighed. "I'll go get the damn meds! Just quit your bitchin'!" I walked out the door with Lee screaming after me.

"Oh my gawd, thank you!!!" He was laughing like a fucking retarded and twitching on the ground.

I shook my head. Yet, there was something about that kid... _-.-_

"Fuckin' douche bag and his damn meds!" I dragged the suitcase filled with medications up my walkway. This kid has SO many problems, goddamn! I kicked in the door and threw the suitcase at Lee.

"There you go you fuckin'-" That's when I realized something wasn't right. "W-what happened to my house?"

Everything was out of place, it was...NEAT! How the fuck was I going to find anything now?!

"I...cleaned..." Lee panted. It took all of his energy to clean my fuckin' house. That's SAD.

"W-where'd you put all the shit that was...you know...everywhere!" I screamed. Having a messy house was part of Jashin worship! I was spazing when I remembered.

I ran to the closet where I kept my Jashin shrine. Opening the door, I recoiled. I usually have an avalanche of shit I find on the floor to stop people from getting in, but nothing happened. It was fucking GONE; and so was the shrine.

I shook Lee. "Where the fucking hell did you put it?!" I whined.

"In the front yard!" He tilted his head, did the '8D' face and fell to the floor, asleep.

I ran through the doorway outside. (I kicked the door down, remember?) I nearly had a fuckin' heart attack. There was a frickin' group of kids climbing all over my priceless statue!

"You fuckin' kids! Get the hell off my lawn!" I ran at them.

The kids ran screaming. I smirked. That'll teach the little bastards... I ran to my statue. It was all perfectly intact and all that shit...but Lee had done something. It was horrible; the once beautiful and untouched statue was DUSTED. Fucking DUSTED, I tell you. Jashin is very strict about worship; you can't touch the statue under ANY conditions.

I fell to my knees. Jashin was going to KILL me! I looked up at the doorway where Lee was now standing.

I glared at him, fire outlining my eyes. "You..." I growled.

"W-what are you doing, Hidan?" He backed away a little.

I pulled my scythe from my cloak. Unlike before, I was ready to fuckin' slice this kid in HALF. And that was exactly my plan. I smiled evilly and walked towards Lee, my scythe in one hand.

"What is wrong, Hidan? Is it something I-" Lee screamed as I swung the scythe at him.

"Dammit!" I sighed. I missed.

Lee rounded the corner into the hallway. By the time I got there, he disappeared.

I smiled to myself. "I'm gonna find you, you son of a bitch!" BANG! I kicked down the bedroom door. "Remember, this is MY territory."

I looked around but the little bastard was nowhere to be seen. However, with my magical powers of doom, I could tell he was hiding under somewhere in the room. My magic powers...and the fact his ass was sticking out from under the bed.

I pulled him out by his legs and dragged him over to my Jashin circle in the middle of my floor. (I swear, if you didn't expect that I'm going to have to fucking KILL you.)

"I-I am sorry, Hidan-sama!" He curled up in the middle of the circle and looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "D-do not hurt me! Please!"

I froze. Sure, Lee ruined my house...and wrecked my statue...and was annoying as hell, but there was something about him. I just COULDN'T kill him. I sighed and threw my scythe across the room.

Lee looked at the scythe then back at me. His eyes shone with admiration and (I hate so fuckin' much to say this) youth. He jumped up and threw his arms around me. "Thank you, Hidan-sama! Thank you!"

I blushed and patted the kid on the back. "Uhm...yeah..."

He looked up at me, his eyes filled with fuckin' tears still, but they were tears of happiness and joy and shit like that. "I love you, Hidan-sama..."

I just kind of stood there. What in the hell was I supposed to say?! We just met and all. I mean, I loved the kid, don't get me wrong...but-

My thoughts were interrupted by Lee's lips on mine. This wasn't like any other kiss I'd ever had. It felt...different somehow. I couldn't describe it... it was...was...

"ACHOO!" Oh, that was it.

He laughed and kissed me again. This time, I kissed back; kissed back with a passion, dammit! I pinned him against the closest wall and grinded my hips against his.

He moaned slightly, encouraging me. I smirked and rocked harder until Lee's knees buckled and he began to slide to the floor. I licked his lips and he gave in immediately. I smirked again. I SO owned him.

Just as we were about to go further, the door burst open. There was Kakuzu, standing in the doorway.

He blinked, set a bag of money on the dresser and said one thing. "Okay guys, do whatever you want. Just clean up any mess you make and don't shove my money up your asses or anything like that..." And he left.

Lee and I shrugged and continued.

I began grinding harder. He moaned again and started pulling on my cloak. I slipped out of it and allowed him to take off that fuckin' retarded green jumpsuit thing. It was merely seconds before we started kissed and rolling on the floor again. I began grinding hips again, wanting more.

"A-are you sure about this?" Lee piped up.

I smiled evilly. "What, you want to fuckin' stop?!" I flipped him over on his stomach and pulled his boxers to his ankles. I started rubbing my cock along the crack of his ass. "How 'bout now?! You want me to fuckin' stop now?!"

I could tell Lee's eyes were wide and glazed over. He moaned loudly. And, being evil and all, just as he was about to climax, I stepped away.

He glared up at me. "What the hell are you doing?!"

I smirked. "I thought you wanted to stop..."

His eyes glowed red in the dark bedroom. Before I even fuckin' new what happened, Lee had me pinned to the floor on my stomach.

He laughed evilly and slowly brought my boxers to my ankles. He slowly grinded his cock into my ass.

I moaned, approaching my climax slowly.

"Are you ready?" He whispered in my ear slyly.

I nodded vigorously. So he took his cock and rubbed it around the entrance, teasing me.

I panted. I wanted more! Finally, we both reached our climax at the same time. We moaned loudly together. The climax was better than anything I'd ever felt before. I learned something just then. Lee was SO not a virgin.

All too soon, the climax ended and Lee pulled out slowly. He sat down beside me, panting.

There was an awkward silence.

"...I'm gonna get dressed..." I said and pulled up my boxers.

"Me too." Lee said and did the same.

We dressed in silence for a while. Until I finally piped up, "Hey, Lee, d-do you live by yourself?"

"Yeah.." He said, looking at the floor.

"Oh..." I looked at the floor, too.

"Why do you ask?" He looked at me.

I continued to look at the floor. "'Cause...you know...I could kick Kakuzu out on his lazy ass and tell him to get a job..."

He looked at me questioningly. "What do you mean?"

I finally looked up at him. "I was just wondering...m-maybe you could come live with me?" I smiled sheepishly. I sounded like SUCH a gay retard.

Lee's smiled brightened the room, "I'd like that, Hidan." _-.-_