RFSP episode 8
A South Park Christmas
Synopsis: Its Christmas time in South Park, and both Stan and Cartman have the hardest time finding gifts for Bebe and Wendy. To make matters worse, the kids are forced to take part in a Secret Santa gig, South Park is running low on Christmas trees, the town gets snowed in, and Mr. Hankey never came up to visit. What can anybody do?
A South Park Christmas
Chapter 1-Here we go again….
A/N: First things first, yes this IS episode 8 of RFSP. Since procrastination is often my middle name, and since I didn't want to get this one finished late like I did with the Halloween special, I kind of had to go out of order. And so, I'm writing both episodes 7 and 8 at the same time, with the majority of my time going to this one to get it up on time. Rest assured, despite being out of order, this episode still takes place after episode 7.
Without further ado, please enjoy the 2015 RFSP Christmas special!
"So Kyle, what are you asking Santa for this year?"
"Shut the hell up fat ass!"
The boys were standing at their usual bus stop one Tuesday morning in December, when Cartman decided to rip on Kyle for being a "Jew on Christmas"…again.
"Just because I don't celebrate the religious side of Christmas, doesn't mean I don't celebrate the commercial side!" Kyle retorted.
Cartman snickered. "Whatever makes you feel better, Kyle."
Of course, Cartman didn't stop with Kyle.
"So, Kenny…." Cartman began working on an insult for the poor kid. "What do you usually get for Christmas, food stamps?"
("Fuck you dude!") Kenny muffled his response through his hood. ("Besides, I'll bet you haven't come up with Wendy's present yet, have you?") Kenny retorted. Kenny's retort question made Cartman realize that Kenny was right: He really hadn't given any thought as to what to get his girlfriend for Christmas. Cartman suddenly stopped laughing and begin mentally panicking.
"Ha…well…um…." Cartman stuttered as he tried to get the spotlight off of him. "Well…I'll bet…that um...Stan hasn't thought of what to get Bebe yet! Ha!"
Cartman succeeded with his goal, and the subject matter was now focused on Stan.
"He kind of has a point there dude." Kyle added.
"I don't know, alright!" Stan blurted out. "I have been thinking, but everything that might work is either lame, just plain stupid, or too damn expensive. I don't understand why women have to be so hard to shop for sometimes."
("Who said they are?")
"The guy who's on his second relationship." Stan answered. "Cartman, on the other hand-."
"Oh shut up you assholes, I can get Wendy a GREAT present!" Cartman shot back.
("Dude, last year, you mixed up Wendy's gift with your mom's.")
"So?"
("So!? Dude, you accidentally gave Wendy a vibrator for Christmas!")
The other three remembered what had happened and began to laugh hysterically. The year before, Liane had wanted, as you would expect, wanted something she described as "A little something to spice up the holidays." With a little help from Kenny, Cartman had managed to acquire a vibrator from a nearby adult store. Later that same day, Cartman had gone down to a jewelry store and bought a nice silver bracelet that Wendy had wanted. Unfortunately for him, neither item used that much wrapping paper, and as such, Cartman sent each present to the wrong person; and Kyle wouldn't let him hear the end of it.
"Just you wait you dirty, rotten, no-good Jew!" Cartman began to vow. "I'm going to get her the best present a girl could ask for, and it's going to kick ass, and when she loves it, I'm going to laugh in your faces; because I hate you guys."
The boys arrived at school later that morning, completely unaware that Ms. Nelson, the replacement teacher for Mr. Garrison after he left for Washington D.C., had a big announcement.
"OK class, I have some exciting news!" Ms. Nelson announced.
"Token plays bass guitar for a big record label now?" Cartman mockingly asked. Token just rolled his eyes out of annoyance.
"No."
"Craig and Tweek went swimming in a creek?"
"AAGH!" Tweek cried out as he began to freak out. "I can't swim in a creek! The turtles might bite me!"
"No." Ms. Nelson replied. "The entire school is going to participate in a Secret Santa gift exchange!" Ms. Nelson happily exclaimed; only for the whole class to moan in despair.
"Oh God!" Kyle uttered. "Not one of those dumb things!"
"Man, the whole Secret Santa thing is so gay." Cartman added.
"How so?" Ms. Nelson asked.
"Because you never know the person you pick, that's why!" Stan spoke up. "Most of the time, you wind up getting some dude you know nothing about, and you wind up getting them something lame and cheap, like a pencil or something! Whose idea was this?"
"The principal's."
"Why, because he thinks that knowing everyone's holiday preference is somehow being PC?" Kyle asked; knowing very well that was the most likely case.
"You guessed it!" Ms. Nelson confirmed.
Cartman snickered at Kyle. "Well, well, it appears that the Jew is being forced to take part in a Christian holiday. Oh my, my, whatever shall he do?" Cartman asked sarcastically and mockingly.
"Shut up fat ass, this isn't the religious side of it!"
Ms. Nelson took out a bucket of names and began passing it around to the kids.
"Like I said before, the entire school is doing this, so you may get somebody in another class, possibly even in a different grade!"
The bucket finally made its way over to the boys. Stan stuck his hand in first, and pulled out a slip of paper. Stan read the name that was listed and instantly breathed a sigh of relief.
"Who'd you get, dude?" Kyle asked.
"Earl Davis." Stan answered.
"The 3rd grader that used to work for Ashley Jr.?"
"That's the one. Speaking of which, how's the lawsuit between him and his boss going?"
"It's not over yet, but my dad is sure he can win it!"
Kenny was the next to reach his hand into the bucket and pull out a name. Kenny read the name he had picked, chuckled a little, and took out a piece of paper to write down ideas.
"Who'd you get Kenny?" Stan asked.
When he wasn't looking in his direction, Kenny silently motioned towards Butters.
"Dude, how are you going to be able to afford a gift?" Cartman asked.
("Easy. I'm shopping for BUTTERS. C'mon guys, we all know we can give Butters a used toothpick and he'd be grateful.")
Cartman went next. Cartman began to silently pray that he wouldn't pick somebody he hated. He reached into the bucket, pulled out a name, read it, and flashed a smug grin.
"So who has the unfortunate surprise of getting a gift from you, lard boy?" Kyle asked.
Cartman smirked. "All I'm saying is that come Christmas morning, one Mexican around here is going to have another teeny, tiny, bicicleta to ride to school."
The other three realized that Cartman had chosen David's name from the bucket. Finally, it was Kyle's turn to pick a name.
"OK, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny all got people that are relatively easy to shop for." Kyle thought to himself as he picked a name from the bucket. "Surely, I'll get an easy one too, right?"
"I bet the Jew is going to have the hardest time out all of us." Cartman mocked Kyle. "It's so difficult trying to blend in during holiday's one is not familiar with."
"Oh will you put a fucking cork in it already!?" Kyle half-yelled. Kyle drew a name from the bucket, and assumed it was somebody easy to shop for.
Wrong. Dead wrong.
Kyle took a breath and unfolded the slip of paper…where Red's name was waiting for him.
"Ah, son of a bitch!" Kyle began to bemoan his fate.
"Ha, ha!" Cartman laughed. "Serves you right for being a hella douche!"
"I don't know what to do dude."
After school had ended that day, Kyle had decided to walk with Stan to the area where the Christmas trees were sold each year. However, neither one knew that they were in for a nasty surprise once they got there.
"It must be fate or something, dude." Stan joked. "First Halloween, and now this."
"It's not her I'm worried about." Kyle added. "It's just the fact that I'm shopping for somebody I barely even know; and a girl at that. What the hell am I supposed to get Red for her Secret Santa gift?"
"Well nobody said it had to be anything real special or expensive."
Kyle sighed. "I know. It's just…I don't know."
The two finally arrived at the Christmas tree farm and immediately noticed that the amount of trees that were there only seemed to be about a third of what the place usually had every year. Stan and Kyle proceeded to try and get a tree anyway.
"Uh, yeah, how much for one tree?" Stan asked the man who ran the operation.
"I'm afraid we don't have that many to go around this year kid." The man began to explain. "We've had a real serious shortage, and what with supply and demand and all that, one tree will cost you about $400 I'm afraid."
"$400!? What the hell happened!?" Stan asked in a rather panicky voice.
"A mixture of bad things kid." The man explained. "You see, when the seeds were first planted, we wound up choosing a bad area of soil, and as such, most of them didn't grow quick enough. Sorry to disappoint you two."
Stan and Kyle thanked the man anyways and left the tree farm.
"Sheesh dude!" Kyle exclaimed. "Talk about a major dilemma!"
"Well, I guess I should hit the mall now." Stan replied. "What about you?"
"I need to get home. Ike and I are going to see if Mr. Hankey shows up tonight!"
"Good luck." Both boys said to each other in unison as they took off in separate directions.
Stan left the tree farm and began walking over to the mall as quick as he could. He had a lot of potential gift ideas for Bebe, and he wanted to try and get as much price information as he could before the mall closed. Stan remembered that he had a bit of a hard time shopping for her the previous year; even though the year before was their first Christmas together.
Fortunately for him, the mall was still open for another hour and a half after he arrived. The first store Stan walked into upon arrival was a clothing store that was a typical favorite among most of the girls their age.
"Let's see…she said something about a new jacket…." Stan thought to himself as he browsed the store's many clothing racks. Just like anybody could expect during the holiday season, the prices seemed to have risen on just about everything. Stan found what he thought would be the perfect jacket: It was red, Bebe's favorite color, it felt pretty snug and warm, and it was even her size; but as luck would have it, the jacket cost well over Stan's budget.
"$45!?" Stan loudly exclaimed. "How the hell is anybody supposed to afford that!?"
A store associate walked by, as he had heard Stan's outburst, and wondered if he needed any assistance.
"Can I help you with something, kid?" the employee asked.
"Yeah, do you have anything that's not jacked up in price?" Stan asked as annoyed as he could.
"Even if we did, it's likely not anything you're looking for." The employee answered. "Sorry kid, but that's part of what makes the holidays function, you know? Believe me; I hate it as much as you do."
"Who set this price?" Stan asked.
"Pfft, I don't know! It certainly wasn't me, that's for sure!" The employee then lowered his head to Stan's ear and began to whisper. "Although…I did hear something about somebody supposedly selling Christmas items real cheap…you didn't hear this from me, but I think he's taken up shop in one of the storage units. Just remember…you didn't hear this from me, alright?"
"Uh…sure."
The employee scrawled down a number on a small slip of paper and gave it to Stan.
"Good luck."
Stan left the store and looked at the paper. "Unit 243" was written on it.
"Pfft, I don't need this." Stan shrugged as he confidently threw the paper away. He was sure that he could find an affordable present somewhere; and so he continued onto the next store of interest. Once he stepped inside, he headed over for the women's section. He was sorting through a set of clothes on a display rack, when something heavy bumped into him from behind; causing both him and the unidentified person to stumble and fall.
"Watch where you're going dude!" Stan exclaimed to the person.
"Ay, shut up asshole!" boomed an all too familiar voice.
"Cartman?" Stan realized who had bumped into him; as well as the fact that Cartman had dropped a few bras that he was carrying. Stan looked at the bras that were strewn over his body and began to laugh.
"Ay, what the hell's so funny!?"
"What the hell are you doing dude?" Stan asked with a laugh.
"Gee, let me think…." Cartman replied sarcastically. "What did I say this morning? That I was going to get a kick-ass gift for Wendy? Gosh, that must've been it! Seriously, you need to stop hanging around the Jew too much; you get all your stupidity from him."
"You're getting Wendy a bra?"
"No you dumbass, these are for my mom!"
"Right…." Stan casually replied with a smirk.
"Just you watch Stan!" Cartman began to vow once again. "I AM going to get Wendy something hella cool!"
"Stop saying hella, fat ass!"
"No way, hella is a hella cool word!" Cartman replied as he walked away.
"He's probably just using the bras for some kind of prank on Kyle or Butters." Stan thought to himself as Cartman walked off.
Stan had hit three additional stores by the time he left, and suffice to say, he hadn't found anything both great and affordable in any of them.
"First the Christmas trees, and now this? Man, this Christmas is starting to suck ass…."
A/N: And the first chapter's done! Hopefully, I can get this done on time and have it well written too.
Besides that, what do you think so far? Please review! :)