Title: The History of Aesthetics

Author: AllVowels

AN: The only thing I know about Beauty Pageants are the clips I've seen on The Soup.

Annie was staring into the most beautiful brown eyes she had ever seen. She felt like she'd do anything to see them light up with happiness again. It was a good thing baby Ben couldn't talk in complete sentences yet, otherwise she'd be his bitch.

Annie made another goofy face, tilting her head and pulling her hair out at strange angles. She even stuck her tongue out and made odd noises, but Ben wouldn't even crack a smile. Those big brown eyes just looked right through her.

"Are you hungry? Need changed? Tired?" Annie pouted and her eyes darted around the apartment looking for something to amuse him. Shirley had dropped him off an hour ago to go to some church meeting. Normally Annie would have babysat at Shirley's house, but Elijah and Jordan had been sick, and Shirley thought it'd be best if he was away from all the lingering germs.

Their time had started off great. There was giggling, some minor drooling, and several rounds of peek-a-boo. But Ben had grown sullen after a short while.

Annie stood and grabbed his baby bag. She wandered into the kitchen and pulled out his blue sippy cup and filled it with some juice. Muttering to herself she searched the bag for something suitable for him to eat.

Troy and Abed peered through a slight gape in the blanket fort. Annie had banished them there as soon as Ben had arrived. Now they had their eyes trained on the youngest Bennett.

"Target acquired Inspector."

"Very good Constable Reggie. And the guard?"

"Currently preoccupied in the susten…nutritaceutical…in the kitchen."

"Proceed with caution. Remember, this creature has the ability to produce a noxious gas." Troy's face scrunched up at the memory. He had been holding Ben at the fourth of July picnic when the foulest odor entered his nose. He had never smelled anything that horrible before, and that was saying something since he had been on a high school football team.

'Abed, what do dead bodies smell like?"

'I've heard it smells like a mixture of rotting garbage that has been fermenting for weeks.'

'Oh. How long does it take to smell like that?'

'I think it depends on the humidity and temperature.'

Troy's eyes started to water as the implications entered his brain. With Ben still in his arms he started to run around in circles frantically as he panicked.

"I KILLED THE BABY!"

From that day on, Shirley wouldn't let him hold Ben anymore. She had yanked Ben from his arms and muttered something about never smelling a dirty diaper before.

"Don't worry. I have Vick's Vapor rub just in case." Abed nodded and the two crawled out of the fort towards the baby.

Annie was currently debating between mixed vegetables and beef or apples and cinnamon. The mixed vegetable/beef mixture seemed more like a meal, whereas the apples seemed more dessert like. A baby should have a full meal before being allowed dessert so that it'd be engrained into him from an early age how important a well rounded diet was, she reasoned to herself. But she wanted to be cool Aunt Annie, not fuddy duddy Aunt Annie. Cool Aunt Annie would let Ben have dessert before dinner and they would stay up through nap time, and then lie to his mom about it.

Annie hesitated and shifted the two jars between her hands again.

"We will have dessert, but still have nap time. Sleep is an essential part of a child's development!" Feeling that she was still on the cool side of the Aunt-meter, she grabbed a spoon and headed back into the living room.

She paused as she saw Troy holding Ben up so that he was standing. Abed had a fabric tape measure and had it wrapped around Ben's head.

"What are you two doing?" Troy and Abed froze.

"Constable we have been spotted."

"Escape plan delta-omega-gamma."

Abed pulled the measuring tape away as Troy let go of Ben. The two raced into the Dreamatorium, leaving Annie and Ben alone. Ben teetered on his feet as his support system ran away. Eventually he lost his balance and plopped hard onto the floor, bumping his head on the way down. Glistening tears came to his eyes, and Annie rushed over to comfort him, Troy and Abed's odd behavior forgotten.

"So how was babysitting this weekend?" Jeff asked as he leaned next to Annie's locker.

"Frustrating. Ben kept trying to pull down Troy's and Abed's room. When I told him to stop he'd look at me with this big eyes, and I felt my resolve crumbling. By the time he left I had to rig up some of the blankets again. Hopefully Abed hasn't noticed that the blankets have moved."

Jeff laughed, "Oh the irony."

"What irony?"

"Someone used the eyes on you. I never thought I'd see this day. Let me get my phone out so we can commemorate this day in a year."

Annie put her hands on her hips, "And what day would that be?"

"The day when Annie had been out Disney-eyed. Does that mean that your eyes have lost effect? Like the torch has been passed to Ben?"

Annie huffed, "That doesn't even make sense. Besides, I have not been out Disney-eyed. I have princess eyes, he has Bambi eyes. They are totally different."

Jeff raised his eyebrow skeptically, "Really?"

Annie turned on him, and her eyes widened. She blinked and looked imploringly at Jeff.

He was transfixed, "Fine, I'll do it."

"Ha! I wasn't even asking you to do anything. See I still have it." She tossed her hair over her shoulders and sauntered away. Jeff's eyes were trained on her derriere and legs the entire time.

"One day of these days, those will lose their power on me." He wasn't sure if he was referring to her eyes, or the other parts of her body.

"No they won't."

"No one asked you Leonard!"

Annie stepped out of shower on Saturday morning. For some reason her alarm hadn't gone off at its normal time, so by the time she got up Troy was already in the shower. He had used all the hot water, so she had to wait another half an hour before she was able to shower with water at an adequate temperature. By the time she exited her room ready for the day Troy and Abed were gone.

"Huh, I wonder where they went." She decided to check her phone to see if she had any texts before using this wonderful opportunity (the fact the apartment was silent) to study.

"Oh I have a voicemail from Shirley."

"Troy and Abed said you were still in the shower, so I'm just calling to let you know how much I appreciate this. I haven't had a spa day in so long, and it was so nice of you to watch Ben. I gave Ben to Abed and let Troy take the baby bag. Don't let him touch my baby. See you tomorrow!"

Annie dropped her phone and ran out of her room. "Ben? Troy? Abed? Ben?"

She checked the blanket fort first. Then the kitchen. Then the hallway. She even resorted to looking under the couch.

"TROY! ABED! WHERE ARE YOU?"

Annie was close to hyperventilating. She grabbed her phone and sent a text to the first person she could think of.

Annie: Do you know where Troy and Abed are?

Jeff: No. Why don't you just text them?

Annie: They are hiding from me. Can you find out?

Annie waited in tense silence. She expected an automatic response of no from Jeff. That'd mean she'd have to track the two down by herself. Or call Shirley and tell her that Ben was alone with Troy and Abed. Which would mean she was dead.

Jeff: They are at Greendale for some contest.

A hysterical bubble of laughter escaped from Annie's mouth. Of course they were at Greendale.

Jeff: Why are they hiding from you?

Annie hurriedly typed a response as she looked for her keys.

Annie: Apparently I was supposed to watch Ben. Shirley dropped him off while I was in the shower and they TOOK him.

Jeff: If Shirley finds out you are dead

Annie: I KNOW!

Annie: They took my car!

Jeff: That sucks.

How like Jeff. So unsupportive. So unempathetic. Annie let her head drop into her hands as her thoughts got progressively darker. What was she going to do? She was going to kill her two roommates, that's what she was going to do. Jeff could be her lawyer. He'd spin it so the jury would have to side with her. After all they did kidnap Shirley's baby from her. Well if it even got to trial, Shirley would probably kill her first.

Squaring her shoulders, she straightened her clothes and marched determinedly out the door. She'd walk to Greendale and she'd find Ben. Then after Ben was safely home with Shirley none the wiser, she'd strangle her roommates with the blankets from the blanket fort. But who would go first, Troy or Abed? Maybe she'd half choke one, and then the other, so they'd have to watch each other writhe in pain.

Annie had made it half way down the street, fuming in rage, when she heard a honk. A shiny Lexus rolled up next to her.

"Jeff? What are you doing?"

"I thought you might need a ride." Annie flushed. That was so nice of him. It was... odd. "Plus I want to be there when you kill Troy and Abed."

Annie laughed. That sounded like Jeff.

"You didn't tell me you were babysitting this weekend."

"I didn't know I was. When I got out of the shower, Shirley had left a voicemail thank me for watching him. I have no idea what she was talking about."

The two of them had arrived at Greendale a few minutes earlier and Jeff had followed Annie as she briskly walked through the halls.

"Where are we going?"

Annie stopped abruptly causing Jeff to collide into her. He hastily wrapped his arms around her waist to keep her from toppling over.

"I don't know!"

"Annie calm down. You are obviously upset and not thinking clearly. Take a big deep breath and think, where would Greendale hold a competition?"

Annie sucked in a large breath as Jeff was transfixed by the movement of her chest.

"The gym!"

"What?" Jeff was confused, what were they talking about again?

"The competition would be in the gym!"

"Oh. Okay." He reluctantly released his arms from her waist and followed Annie through the campus.

A large sign hung announcing, '1st Annual Greendale Aesthetic Exhibition!'

"Aesthetic Exhibition?"

"I think Dean Pelton just opened a thesaurus and changed beauty to aesthetic and pageant to exhibition."

Jeff and Annie entered the gym to see an array of mothers prepping their children: doing make-up, fixing hair, and grilling them on their talent numbers.

Jeff cringed, "It's like a pedophile's wet dream."

Annie tried to force a smile, "They are here to win a scholarship probably. It promotes public speaking skills and confidence."

"Annie, a little girl walked by wearing an outfit I swear I saw at a strip club."

Annie cringed. Okay maybe some of the outfits were a LITTLE inappropriate. "Wait, what were you doing at a strip club?"

"Alan and… I don't have to explain myself to you."

Annie glared at him and resumed scanning the room for her prey.

"Found them!" Annie spotted Troy and Abed in the corner of the gym. She darted her way through a gaggle of girls leaving Jeff behind and stood in front of her roommates.

"What do you to think you are doing?" Annie tried to keep her voice calm, so she didn't upset Ben.

"Annie? What are you doing here?" Troy shifted back and forth uncomfortably.

"Me? I'm here to get Ben. Hand him over Abed."

"Dude, she's got her formidable face going, you better hand him over."

Abed reluctantly passed Ben to Annie. She let out a lingering sigh once he was safely in her arms, and turned her heated glare back on to the duo. Troy slowly slide backwards, putting Abed in her direct line of vision.

"Well, are you going to explain what you are doing?"

"You've seen the show Toddlers & Tiaras, right? Well we wanted to do a spoof where Troy was a contestant and how the little girls would react competing with an adult male."

"But they wouldn't let me. I was too old. But we still wanted to get footage."

"And Ben was the only baby that we had access to. We bought Shirley a spa weekend and told her it was a late birthday present, and you'd watch Ben. The older boys are with Britta."

Annie wanted to say she was shocked by their elaborate plan to get Ben into a beauty pageant, but she wasn't.

"And why are you in your Jamie Lee Curtis dress?"

"I'm Troy's wife. We didn't want to draw attention to ourselves by being a homosexual couple."

Annie nodded, "And the reason you were measuring Ben last weekend?"

"We needed his measurements to make his outfits."

"You aren't going to make us stop are you Annie? We put so much work into this. His outfits will put Dean Pelton to shame." Troy plead with her. Annie frowned. There was no possible way she could allow them to continue this without Shirley's permission.

"Annie? Annie Adderall? Is that you girl?"

Annie back stiffened, and the color drained from her face.

This was meant to be a one shot, but got longer than I intended. So the second part will hopefully be up sometime next week.