Dear Journal.
By Kennedy Martinez
By James Carmody.
Disclaimer:Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and the comics involved in the series), Angel the Series, and all spinoffs are the legal property of Joss Whedon, and until he decides to sell or give away the copyright- his alone until the series enters the public domain (which won't be for quite a while). I make no money off of this, nor will I accept a single red cent for this piece of fanfiction, this is for my own enjoyment and that of others.
Characters:Jacqueline Kennedy Martinez,Willow Danielle Rosenberg, Rupert Giles, and most if not all of the characters in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series, and many spinoffs thereof.
Pairing: Kennedy/Willow.
Tags/Genre:Issues, lots and lots and lots of issues! Angst/Drama/Family (any of the above)
Summery:Takes place in Kennedy and Willow's home in South America during about season 7's Summer Past or Season 8. Basically, the younger woman is writing about her life, and it's an effort to get things right. Please do read, review/comment, and most of all, enjoy. I Cannot Stress This Enough: MIND AUTHOR'S NOTES!
Author's Notes:For most if not all of the story, the tale will be written in the form of a journal entry in Kennedy's journal, so italicized print will be what's penned, whereas regular script will be what's said or done, and this: [text] means "telepathic speak" or prayer, sometimes, and bold script or underlined will denote emphasis (both for extreme emphasis).
Most of the story will be from Jacqueline Kennedy Martinez's point of view, at least early on, and in this story; she's basically a fallen Catholic- that MUST be understood. Willow's a Jewess (female Jew) who's not behaving herself either, and the First (basically the Devil) may attempt to take advantage of them in that area. Kennedy's Watcher's ghost may show up as well.
This is also inspired by Alixtii's headcanon, from what he's told me of his ideas, but different enough to make it my own story.
Nobody here is behaving themselves. The main 'drive' in this tale, however, is to confront something I see in myself as the author- a trajectory to perceive those who engage in certain forms of immorality (namely sexual) as something Less than Human- this is not merely wrong in the eyes of the Church, but also in the eyes of Nature, and Natural Law.
Entry#1 (Chapter 1).
Why I love her so much.
Author's Notes:In NO Way does this advocate for their misbehavior! You MUST get that correct! This story is designed to advocate for other goodness traits and against other badness traits. I Will NEVER Advocate For Misbehavior. It's possible that such people are blind to the hazards inherent in their behavior somehow (like a selective cloaking device in Star Trek- blinds the target ship from seeing the attacking vessel until it's too late, or a "Jamming Beam" in Star Wars TIE Fighter would (just a theory), but anyways, that's a possibility.). This story is from the perspective of one such character, so it's a bit unconventional for me. This is an advocation for identifying ones neighbors accurately so one can deal with them correctly; if you don't, you won't be able to effect the changes in the world you want to. Please tell me what you think., here goes...
Setting: Sao Paulo, Brazil:
Why do I love Willow so much? Honestly; I think it boils down to the fact that she got me a job I had just about given up on when we first met.
I got to thinking this last night while in my silk pajamas and she was in her cotton ones- the long ones that are so darn cute- she looks just like a kiddie in them, she's frankly adorable in that outfit! Anyways, we were cuddling late that night in bed, my head was resting on hers while hers was on the pillow, and it just occurred to me why I love her so much. I attended a private boarding school in Britain which was actually run by Watchers! Oh, I loved my classmates: Rona (my best friend) Molly (another buddy of mine), and Vi, or Violet... hey, I even badly miss Chloe- though her constant depressive attitude was grating on my nerves. However, my calling her a "maggot" certainly didn't help matters, it may have even helped to set her on a course that lead to her suicide!
Talk about a major sin! Practically driving another human being to murder themselves has got to be at least serious enough to be a mortal sin- that can't be good for my soul!
Of course, Fr. Richard from my home diocese in the Hamptons would most definitely have words with me about what I'm doing right now... one reason why I have so many moral difficulties, is what he'd practically suggest to me if I were to approach him with this; but really, what can I do? I love her so much!
Anyhow, there I was, laying on my left side looking into the face of my beautiful girl, and she was laying on her right side, and WOW, was she beautiful! Anyways, I was lost in thought, and it dawned on me that she had the strength and willingness to use it to give me my job, to unlock my preternatural strength.
Right about then, I removed my head from on top of hers, leaned in and kissed her right on the middle of her lips with a kiss of devotion.
About then, it dawned on me that calling her a "goddess" wasn't exactly the wisest thing I could have done in the world- even if it had been true, which it wasn't,,, I simply meant that she is both beautiful and powerful and that I love her, but Willow- not the most humble girl in the world! In fact: calling her a deity would be dumb- profoundly dumb- for from what she's already told me; pride is one of her biggest weaknesses, and if she gets too arrogant, that can lead to someone she occasionally calls "Dark Willow" getting out. From what she's told me about this person: that would be profoundly unsafe for me (as in she's got the worst attractions towards me imaginable!) According to Willow: her dark self would likely try to rape me, and she wouldn't be gentle- either emotionally or physically!
That's yet another reason why I love this chick, she and I protect each-other from evil things and evil types!
That's interesting: apparently she has to act as her jailer- that's quite a feat; being your own jailer!
One thing that burns me personally is the fact that my half sister and I don't get along about this attraction I have at all! Heather Frederica Martinez (nickname "Freddie" but don't call her that or she'll hit you!) and I tend to fight a lot about this! Oh, it's clear that we love each-other, but still, the constant fighting with my kid sis of about two years younger than myself is hurtful to my feelings! She's my step-sister and I love her, but she and I do tend to fight a lot on this matter. Also: oddly enough, "Freddie" is not Catholic, but Anglican- this is yet another motive for our fights.
In addition, she seems to be the favored sister between us (possibly because she's got a history of boyfriends, and my parents and step-mom wanted grandchildren, and me being gay didn't help the family ambitions at all!); but it's clear from the nature of our fights that we love each-other, which is kind of nice (despite the fighting).
As I kissed my woman, I told her while looking into her eyes "I love you because you got me a job, amongst many other wonderful reasons". Boy is she fun to have around.
Oh, the main reason why I love my girlfriend is because she gave me a job I had just about given up hope of ever landing- I felt that I was getting too old to be called; then she practically worked a miracle, and here I am- with every ability I could ever have dreamed of!
The next morning as I wrote this I felt a light peck on the middle of my right cheek! Willow, my Willow, had just kissed me, and it felt wonderful, and made me feel the same!
One other major fight between my sister and I is about religious matters, and yet another one is about culture, you see, despite growing up in an English Boarding School, I retained my "Black Irish" heritage, and that's something she's not comfortable with- Dad said it's the "Irish Troubles" all over again- meanwhile I've had trouble with her attitudes towards my religion- these have lead to a very unhappy family life for both of us!
Step-mom does also seem to love me, but doesn't understand my beliefs at all, and that's kind of frustrating, or didn't, but she was my watcher, and died (yet another reason for the constant fighting between Heather and myself!- she blames me for her mother dying!) I didn't want her to die, but having my father marry her while he's still married to my mom Didn't rub me right at all! Yet another reason for our fights, if memory serves correctly., mostly our fights are yelling nowadays, but occasionally we do come to actual blows!
[Oh, Lord, if only my sister Heather could understand how I feel about my beliefs and family, that might lead to some degree of peace between us.] I prayed, after crossing myself, then proceeded to do so again (cross myself).
For some odd reason, at that moment, my lover Willow decided to snuggle in my lap and read what I had written. I swear, sometimes I don't understand what's going on in that brilliant head she's got! But it seems she needed some 'cuddling time', something I'm more than happy to give her, at which point we kissed again.
[Dear God] I prayed [I wish you did understand how I feel when she looks at me. I know you don't condone my behavior with her at all, but, honestly, we love each other, and how can that be wrong?] I begged Him to help me understand how what I'm doing with Willow is wrong, I'm so confused on the topic. I love her, and how's that wrong, but this makes no sense to me, and I certainly don't want to lose my gifts/strength/whatever I have that makes me such a good preternatural soldier. NO Response- sometimes that makes me so mad, I feel like I'm cut off from getting any help turning my life around if I am slipping into wickedness- and it hurts!
Willow could see I was clearly confused, and by both sitting sideways on my lap, kissing me and hugging me she tried to comfort me, but it didn't work, because I was troubled by something of a moral conflict, not a physical discomfort.
Don't get me wrong: cuddling with her makes me happy, but sometimes I need something more satisfying to my sensibilities- and those who insist on "only a certain set standard fit into the category of either "Catholic" or even "Human"" really bother me, something about them saying that because I don't live right I'm not eligible to be God's daughter- what nonscience! Don't they even know that no child has any say as to who his parents are?! That is so upsetting!
I'm really too upset by this seeming attitude to continue with this right now, Dear Journal, and I'll get back to you when I feel better, sorry.
Author's Notes End Chapter 1: Basically, the First would have a profound field day with these characters when it realizes just how many issues they've got, especially Kennedy and her family- pretty much nobody in her household (even extended) is really behaving themselves! And judging from the predatory behavior of the Evil One (presumably the basis of the First Evil- logically: Satan), he'd definitely do everything he can to mess with them and mess them up!
This story is truly an unconventional argument for me: it's arguing in favor of gentleness, whereas my general trajectory is towards wrecking entire civilizations for offenses that are no longer perceived as offenses by most people! In short- I do this to advocate again for self-control. I hope you enjoy this story from a fallen woman's perspective and find that as a fun tale- I know my "journal entry stories" are one of my more popular styles.
Please do tell me what you think.