This feeling inside me...it can only be described as one thing.
Pain.
I have just realized it, but this feeling has always been with me, hiding in the shadow of my heart, stalking me my entire life.
It takes all I have to not just TEAR OUT MY HEART.
I see the flashes of my past in my vision. There's mamma, barely giving me a glance, and Fernkit, ignoring me and playing with the other kits. I feel the breath in my lungs escape out of my mouth, stilling my chest. I see Mousestar, staring at me as she spoke my apprentice name. My mentor, Pollenfoot, sniffed when he saw me, his eyes cold when we touched each others shoulder in acknowledgement at my ceremony.
I felt so weak then.
But then i grew strong, and learned that emotions were the thing that were in the way to a cat's journey to power. I was at the peak of my strength.
I've never felt so alone.
Nothing is left in me, I am just a shell. A hollow cat with no feelings except anger and blood lust. That's what i told myself. That was the description of me. I watched the other clans struggle, while mine thrived. Cats thought Mousestar insane when i was announced deputy. I could hear their whispers.
'Him? I hardly thought that Mousestar would believe a failure like him could lead us.'
That was from my mother.
That night was the night i broke down. The night i thought no more. The only way to even tolerate this world was to be cold to it, like Pollenfoot and mamma were to me.
That was how the clans thrived in this harsh wilderness.
Now, as i lay in the reddened grass, a snowy white paw on my neck, and face hardened with loathing and hatred, his eyes burning for the need of revenge, i thought about my past. I thought about this cat, who was about to kill me, and how I should tell him when he received his nine lives about why i was like this. One day, as a endlessly pace the border of Starclan and the Dark Forest, never able to quite fully belong to either, I will tell him.
I will tell him Whisperstar's story.
And that day is today.