Pardon my Crotch

Summary: Naruto has the bad habit of facing people when he goes past them to get into a seat. For people sitting down, it means getting a good look at his crotch. For people standing up… well, it means getting something completely different.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! Please! Don't take me away! I-I still haven't legally bought 18+ manga yet! Please! Just wait a few more years!

A/N: It's been along time since I've written Naruto fanfiction! This idea came to me a looonnnggg time ago. I just started to read Naruto fanfiction again a few days ago, so BAM, a SasuNaru fiction started to unravel.

Chapter One: First Down

Pairings so far: Some SasukexNaruto, KakashixIruka, some ItachixKisame

Future: GaaraxNeji, + maybe others

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Uzumaki Naruto scowled as he entered his English classroom. It wasn't the English classroom that was making him feel crappy. No, the English classroom was as disorderly and chaotic as it usually was before the teacher arrived. His classmates were still trying to find out how to get the rat out of the air conditioning thing, to calculate how far it was from the window out and down to freedom (the school gates), and to pee in the numerous plants around the room (the bathrooms had been out of order since an upperclassman named Deidara had blown up the toilets in the name of art).

Well, actually Kiba was the only one who was trying to pee in the plants. Most of the people around him were trying to stop him.

So it wasn't the class itself that made Naruto want to kill someone. In fact, English was one of his favorite classes because Iruka taught it, even if his least favorite person was in it. Normally this class went by smoothly because Iruka was an awesome teacher and people were all scared of him, which was why his least favorite person didn't dare to do anything to him during class. Before class was another matter.

Right now he wanted to kill someone. Violently. With a fork. Preferably with many forks, actually.

The person who he wanted to kill, his least favorite person in the whole freaking school, was standing right in front of him and blocking him from safety (which was also known as Gaara's 'I'll kill you, bitch' zone). Of course, this had happened before, but it had never happened after Naruto had had a horrible time in chemistry (honestly, which teacher compliments students by saying 'your skin looks very lovely today… I want your body'?).

Naruto glared at the bane of his existence, who currently had a smirk on his face.

"What's wrong, idiot?" Meet Uchiha Sasuke: the bane of Naruto's existence. He was the guy who always bought the last bowl of ramen noodles, the guy who shoved mayonnaise down Naruto's pants in 6th grade, the guy who had announced over the intercom that Naruto liked playing neopets (after that the 9th grader Naruto had gained a very loyal 6th grade following), and the guy who basically did anything he could to make Naruto miserable.

Naruto bristled in anger and clenched his fist. "Idiot? I'll show you idiot, you bastard!" Naruto yelled before he lunged forward to rip that smarmy face off that son-of-a---

"Na-ru-to!" Right before Naruto could even slightly touch the Uchiha-bastard's face, a fist came out of nowhere and tried to lodge itself into Naruto's head, succeeding in causing Naruto's face to meet the floor, which could have been very unpleasant if the plant right next to his position was just two inches closer. Water (from Kiba) tends to spread like that.

"Ow! What the hell, Sakura?" Naruto yelled and rubbed his nose. Behind him stood a very pissed off Haruno Sakura.

"I told you to leave Sasuke-baby alone!" Sakura yelled, shaking her slightly throbbing fist at him. Hitting Naruto's thick skull hurt more than she made it seem.

Sasuke winced at the very embarrassing nickname.

Naruto scrambled to his feet and opened his mouth to retort angrily, but the sight of Sakura's still balled fist made him stop and think. Personal safety, or witty comeback?

"Augh, fine! I'll go!" Naruto muttered angrily as his choice, throwing his hands in the air.

"You! Not a word," Naruto hissed to Sasuke, who had just opened his mouth to deliver a final taunt, and then hopped the side to step on Sasuke's foot violently. "Have fun Sasuke-baby," he taunted, leaving a cursing Sasuke and a screaming Sakura behind as he ran to Gaara's 'I'll kill you, bitch' zone as if the demons of hell were chasing after him to lodge unidentifiable objects in him.

"Naruto!" Naruto's ears ringed as Sakura's parting screech nearly made his ears explode. Good Lord, that woman could scream when she wanted to. It made him glad that she only screamed at him for things concerning Sasuke. And whenever he did stupid things. And when he got bad grades. And when he forgot to get her a birthday present.

Naruto grumbled as he slid into that special seat next to Gaara that most people were afraid of sitting in. Gaara, concentrating on his newest edition of Karma Sutra, didn't even spare him a glance.

'Maybe I should invest in some ear plugs and new friends,' Naruto thought before he leaned over to look at the book with Gaara.

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Later on that day, while Naruto was in Maito Gai's '1,001 Ways to make YOUR Life more YOUTHFUL,' a school-wide assembly was announced, which should have led to every student standing up after 7th period and treading like cows to the auditorium.

Because their instructor was Maito Gai, certified teacher but widely proclaimed maniac, their class was located in a random hill outside of the school buildings. Despite this, it should have been very easy for students in the class to hear the announcement and head to the auditorium (it was done by Rock Lee, for Pete's sake. Who can't hear that?), but certain other things made it hard…

"AND THEN WAY NUMBER 480 IS TO GO TO LAS VEGAS!"

Mr. Maito's voice was loud enough to wake the living dead, and was definitely loud enough for the man himself to not hear the announcement made by his youthful protégé.

"Um, teacher? I just heard the –"

"FOR SEX! BECAUSE SEX IS YOUTHFUL! AND WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS SO NOTHING EVER COMES BACK TO HAUNT YOU."

"I think we have an assembly—"

"IT'S USEFUL BECAUSE IT HELPS RELEASE ENDORPHINS, WHICH INCREASE YOUR WILL TO LIVE—"

"Can't we just whack him over the head and leave"

"Kiba!"

"OH RIGHT, IT WAS MY JOB TO EXPLAIN SEX TO YOU GUYS!"

"Oh, for the love of—"

"Mr. Maito?"

"YOU SEE, A MAN'S (bleep) GOES INTO A WOMAN'S (BLEEP)-"

"Mr. Maito!"

"LOOK, I HAVE SOME PICTURES ON ME-"

"Mr. Maito!" Everyone yelled, covering their eyes from the X-rated photos in Gai's hands. Gai paused.

"YES, YOUNG BLOSSOMS OF WONDERFUL YOUTH?"

"There was an announcement from school just now! We have an assembly!"

Gai struck a thinking pose that was made horribly wrong and traumatizing because of the ungodly amount of spandex the man wore.

"Ah yes, I do recall Lee telling me something like that this morning in the hallway!" Gai said loudly, putting away the pictures. "Very well, everyone stand up and let's go back to the school together." Naruto shuddered. It was scary how normal Mr. Maito could be when he wasn't in teacher mode.

Naruto glanced over at Gaara, hoping that maybe his friend would stand up first so that he would help pull him up.

'Is he doodling naked people?' Naruto thought to himself. Indeed, Gaara was doodling a picture that looked remarkably similar to the photos Mr. Maito had just shown. Naruto shuddered. He didn't want to know what was going on in Gaara's head. It was a scary place to be.

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By the time his class had gotten to the auditorium, almost every seat was full. People were chattering very loudly, girls were talking about who was hot (Naruto was mildly disturbed to hear the some people thought Mr. Maito was hot), and Kiba was still trying to pee in plants around the room.

"Go and sit in your seats," Mr. Maito urged his students. They all nodded, but avoided looking at him directly. Apparently his X-rated photos had caused profound mental trauma and instilled a need for brain bleach.

Naruto grabbed onto Gaara (who was still doodling naked people) and marched towards the section of the auditorium reserved for their grade.

"I keep telling you man," Naruto said when Gaara tripped over an unfortunate person's foot, "you don't have to add shading and stuff like that for porn. Mr. Jiraiya."

"That is why he will never be a true artist," Gaara said, glaring at Naruto, and then glaring at the person who tripped him up. Naruto was unaffected by Gaara's 'I'm going to kill you with nothing but a nail and maybe some mangos' glare, but the poor sod two rows behind them nearly peed his pants.

'Oh noooo,' Naruto groaned mentally as he caught sight of which seats were free in their section. Only two seats were free. One was between Hyuuga Neji and Sakura in the middle of the row, and the other was next to Uchiha freaking Sasuke one seat away from the aisle.

"Okay, Gaara, I'm gonna go sit next to Neji and Saku—" he started to say to his now attentive friend, only to be cut off when Neji practically lunged past five people to grab and drag Gaara down next to him.

"Naruto. I'll be taking him," was the only thing Neji said before several people squawked at the painful feeling of a redhead stepping on their toes. Inner Naruto burst into sobs. Couldn't Neji have waited at least forty-five minutes to get his hands on Gaara?

'Damn hormones,' Naruto sobbed to himself, before composing himself. 'No! I can't be weak! If I'm weak, people will prey on me. If people prey on me, I'll die. If I die, I can't eat ramen, so I must be strong!'

Naruto gulped and looked at the back of Sasuke's head, which he swore was smirking at him like hair could do sometimes. With trembling feet, Naruto reached Sasuke, who looked at him with a surprised look.

"Want to sit next to me, Naruto?" Naruto vaguely noted that this was the first time in a long time that Sasuke had called him by his first name, but he pushed that thought out of his head very quickly. He shook his head vehemently.

"Only because there aren't any other seats, you jackass!"

"Whatever," Sasuke sneered. From the row behind them, Shikamaru sighed and wondered why Naruto was so troublesome. Honestly, seeing Naruto insult Sasuke, and Sasuke getting hurt, then seeing Sasuke insult Naruto, and Naruto getting hurt but not realizing it was getting a little old.

Sasuke smirked at Naruto after a while. "It looks like you'll have to get by me first."

"I know! I'm not an idiot!" Naruto yelled. His face was turning red as it always did when he talked to Sasuke. Somehow the guy in front of him was always capable of getting Naruto riled up.

"Excuse me, then," Naruto muttered. If there was one thing that Iruka had taught him, it was good manners. That, and how to pick out perverts from regular people.

Silence. Sasuke just looked at Naruto.

"You're supposed to move, you bastard!" Naruto yelled.

"Move where?" asked Sasuke.

"Stand up and move out onto the aisle, duh!" Naruto yelled, pointing out randomly behind him, causing a random person to yell his pain out because Naruto had just poked him in the eye.

Sasuke looked at Naruto like he was an idiot.

"Idiot," Sasuke said to make his thoughts known, "I'm not going to step out there," he finished, pointing a finger in the general direction of the entrance to the auditorium. Naruto turned to look at the direction the finger was pointing. It looked like a stampede was coming, and no matter how much Naruto hated Sasuke, he knew that no man in his right mind would want to step out into that.

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Across the aisle from them, a playful Hatake Kakashi poked a rather worried Umino Iruka (not in that way).

"Aww, aren't they cute together?" Kakashi whispered loudly, reaching over to hold Iruka's hand.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into allowing this," Iruka whispered back. Honestly, how could he have gone along with Kakashi's plan to make the two boys resolve their differences? Sure, it hadn't been hard to strike up a conversation with Sasuke regarding his work, and then get out of the seat when Naruto appeared, but Iruka was started to get scared that there would be blood on the floors before the assembly was over.

"It'll be the best for both of them," Kakashi said, nose nuzzling the English teacher's cheek. "I was getting tired of making sure that they don't kill each other during my class." Iruka frowned.

"If you really didn't want them to kill each other, you'd stop pairing them together for projects," Iruka said, remembering the time he heard Naruto complaining about how Sasuke was a terrible father and was not doing his part of the work. It had been a nightmarish 'Take Care of a Digital Baby' assignment.

"Well, part of my job is to make sure that these kids get educated," Kakashi said shrugging, "and we've always had an uneven number of boys and girls."

"You realize that I'm the one who has to clean up after your messes, right?" Iruka asked in a pissed off tone.

"Yeah, I know," Kakashi said, "thank you for that. I can repay you if you want me to."

"Oh really," Iruka said with an uninterested voice, but turning his head ever-so-slightly towards the Sex Education teacher, "then I suppose you'll repay me later tonight." Kakashi grinned and tightened his fingers around Iruka's. It looked like he had stopped Iruka from worrying about Sasuke and Naruto.

'The sooner they stop fighting,' Kakashi thought to himself, 'the sooner I'll be able to explain STDs properly with pictures and graphics and everything.' The infamous Naruto-Sasuke fights were making him look like a bad teacher, damn it.

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"Fine! Geez." Naruto grumbled and tried to walk through Sasuke's legs. "Damn it, move your legs!" He didn't wait for Sasuke to reply before he forcefully used one of his feet to push the Uchiha's legs out of the way; he failed miserably.

Their school was cheap and had decreased the space between rows. There was barely enough room to start with, and the size of Sasuke's seat made it practically impossible to get by the Uchiha.

"Okay, this isn't going to work," Naruto said, giving up. He glanced up at the entrance of the auditorium. The crowd of students heading towards him was starting to make him nervous. A movement from Sasuke caught his eye. Sasuke had just stood up in place, causing the cushioned seat to retract, leaving more space for Naruto to move.

"Go on, idiot," Sasuke said with that ever-irritating smirk on his face, "and acknowledge that you'll always need my help to survive."

"Shut up!" Naruto yelled, giving Sasuke the finger ever so discreetly. Be discreet I mean straight up in his face. "I could have gotten past you myself," he hissed before starting past Sasuke.

Anyone who was watching would have found it funny how quickly Sasuke's face changed from smug to shocked to smug again as Naruto shimmied his way past Sasuke.

"Why Naruto," Sasuke said, making Naruto look up at him, "I never knew you felt that way." Naruto made a miffed face.

"What way, bastard?" Naruto asked, pausing in his shimmying. They were now face to face. Sasuke didn't reply, and just stared at Naruto. Naruto felt his face turning red.

'Gah! We're too close!'

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A couple rows behind them, Gaara's eyes widened a millimeter. His best friend was in a very… indecent, to say the least, position with the person he claimed to hate.

"I was wondering when this would happen," Neji said, breaking Gaara out of his turning-murderous thoughts. Gaara turned to look at Neji, who was eating a packet of gummy bears. Since the brunet had pulled him down, they had spend their time together in complete silence.

Gaara didn't even know why he had pulled him down. It wasn't like they were friends, unless you counted Gaara trying to stab Neji in the arm with a protractor two years ago a sign of friendship.

"Wondering?" Gaara demanded. Already he was figuring out the fastest and safest way to dispose of Sasuke's body. Maybe the biology lab? Dead things turned up there all the time…. Sasuke's body wouldn't be too out of place. Besides, he knew that the teacher, Mr. Orochimaru, wouldn't be too averse to having Sasuke's body.

"You know, when all the hatred between them would actually turn out to be unresolved sexual tension," Neji said nonchalantly, popping two more gummy bears into his mouth. Gaara stared at him.

"Yeah, I was wondering that, too!" Sakura said from beside Gaara. Both boys turned to stare at her. "What?" She asked self-consciously.

"I thought you liked Sasuke," Neji said. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Sort of. I mean, he's hot and all that, but the other girls and I always thought it'd be hot to see Naruto and Sasuke together," she said.

"Besides, I think they'd get along if they just stopped fighting all the time," she continued, "You know this morning? If I didn't stop Naruto from hitting Sasuke in the face, I swear there would be a huge make out session in the middle of the floor after they tackled each other down to it."

Neji hmmed in understanding. It made sense.

"It was rather obvious," a new voice added. The three of them turned to see Sai, one of the upperclassman. "Orange Idiot's reactions to Dead Barbie's barbs and jabs were always far too explosive for him to just feel hatred towards Dead Barbie."

"Yeah!" Deidara said from beside Sai. "And Itachi's little brother! Geez, pulling on Naruto's pigtails alllll the time." From the other side of Sai, Sasuke's brother Itachi nodded.

"I do not make it a habit to search in my brother's room," Itachi said, a snort from a nearby Kisame making it clear just how often Itachi searched Sasuke's room, "but I have found material leading to the conclusion that Sasuke is indeed homosexual and attracted to men of the blond variety. And by blond variety I mean Naruto."

Everyone hned at that information and turned their attention back to the rows in front of them, where Sasuke and Naruto were still in the same position that they were left in.

"Gummy bear?" Neji offered Gaara.

"All your asses are mine after this," Gaara said to everyone surrounding him before he took a gummy bear. Oh yes, the biology lab would be getting many visitors that night. It was going to be hard to take down Itachi, but manageable.

'I just need some watermelons,' Gaara mused to himself before he started plotting the deaths of those around him.

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While others gossiped about their relationship a couple rows behind them, Naruto and Sasuke were in a standstill.

"Explain to me what way!" Naruto demanded. His natural tendency to not admit weakness or defeat under any circumstance caused him to get all up in Sasuke's grill despite feeling fluttery feelings in his stomach.

For the past two minutes, Sasuke had just been smirking at him and repeating "you know what way." Frankly, it was getting annoying, and the prolonged period of close proximity was making Naruto's head light.

'I must be getting sick,' Naruto thought to himself, 'my head feels really light! Gah, the bastard probably slipped something into my drink during lunch!'

This time Naruto asked, Sasuke was a little more inclined to take pity on him and explain. That, or he just wanted to piss Naruto off more.

"The way that makes you feel comfortable enough to pass me like this," Sasuke said, emphasizing the last word by pointing to the space between them.

"Pass you like what, bastard?" Naruto said angrily. People were starting to stare, and it was reaaalllyyy making him feel uncomfortable.

"Like this," was all the warning Naruto got from Sasuke before the latter thrust his hips forward.

'What the hell?' Naruto screamed in his brain, going into overdrive. It felt good and something like this, especially with someone like him, feeling good was just wrong.

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Kakashi's eyes widened when he saw the movement Sasuke made and then the position that Naruto and Sasuke were in. Glancing quickly at the man next to him, he saw that Iruka had yet to notice.

'Quick! Distraction method!'

"On second thought," Kakashi said lowly, "how about I tell you how I want to repay you tonight?" And when Iruka turned to him, Kakashi knew that the crisis had been adverted.

'Maa, I didn't expect it to turn out this way,' Kakashi thought to himself, 'but I guess it's all for the best. If they don't sex each other up, at least they'll be awkward and not fight so much during our classes.' And then he proceeded to tell Iruka where they were going to go, what they were going to eat, and what they were going to do afterwards at their place later that night.

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Gaara stood up, growling in anger and ready to tear Sasuke out of that row so that he, Gaara, could sit next to Naruto. Neji was quick to pull the redhead down.

"Let me go, or I will kill you," Gaara said seriously. Neji shrugged.

"I hear that from Sasuke all the time. I'm immune," Neji said, pointing at himself, "Also, you're probably already going to kill me for not telling you of stuff going on between Sasuke and Naruto." Gaara continued to glare at Neji with hate in his eyes.

"Shhh," Sakura shushed them, "it's starting!"

"Yeah," Deidara added, "save your hormonal fights filled with sexual tension later!"

"Deidara, you think that everything is caused by hormones and sexual tension."

"Yeah? Doesn't mean I was wrong. Was right about you and Kisame."

"Oh shut up."

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"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SIT DOWN? I REPEAT, WILL EVERYONE PLEASE SIT DOWN. THIS ASSEMBLY WILL NOW BEGIN."

'Escape, escape, escape, oh God, I have to escape,' Naruto thought to himself over and over again. Brain kicking his body into action, a flushed Naruto practically shoved Sasuke away and dove into the seat next to Sasuke, just as the lights were dimming and some very important person walked onto the stage.

'Well, we certainly have something to talk about later,' Sasuke thought to himself as he sat himself down. He wasn't terribly sure where he stood with Naruto right now, but it sure as hell didn't show on his face. The heavens had blessed him with an older brother who was a pro at being stoic.

',' Naruto chanted to himself. '.' Sadly, for Naruto, when inner turmoil occurred, it occurred both internally and externally.

From a couple of seats back, Gaara glared at Sasuke.

'Uchiha… I will end you.'

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A/N: End of first chapter.

I hope you guys liked it. By the way, anyone willing to be my betareader? Anyone have time?

Next chapter: Naruto still doesn't know what he did wrong, Sasuke is sexually frustrated, Gaara wonders why Neji wanted him to sit there and also plots to kill Sasuke, Maito Gai's past in Vegas comes back to haunt him, Kakashi repays Iruka, Sakura finds a love of her own, and everyone wonders what the hell is up with the upperclassmen.

- Ciamil B. =D