I don't own Maria Holic or anyone in it.

Chapter 1: Kanako Miyamae's Misfortune

Alternate Title: My Cross Dressing Jackass of a Roommate Gave Me a Bag Monster that Saved My Life!

'Dear Mother in Heaven, today is the day your beloved daughter Kanako has waited for months and days and weeks to arrive! '

Normally, Kanako Miyamae would have woken up at noon exactly on a Saturday- either woken up by Mariya and/or Matsurika's cruel pranks or her alarm clock- but it was not a normal day for Kanako.

Not only was it the first time she had ever woken up before Mariya, it was a day of beautiful girls, both undressed and dressed in beautiful cosplay, a sight normally only fantasized about by the girl, yet soon, she would have the Ultra Passion Yuri Yearly Magazine in her hands, and be able to see her fantasies take form!

She had a very simple plan to do so.

First, leave as early as possible and change out of her school uniform in order to reduce the chances of people from her school recognizing her and arousing suspicion.

Second, take a bus, go down to the bookstore, then pick up the magazine.

Third, take another bus and come back.

See, simple! So simple even a monkey (or a certain yuri-minded girl) could do it.

But considering the fact that fate, luck and Mariya tended to kick her down to the ground any time she tried doing something, it would be better to have her mother on her side. Or in this case, around her neck.

Kanako snuck over to the desk where Mariya's rosary and her cross pendant was held, not wanting be yelled at by a groggy Mariya, and opened it wide-

She found that, while Mariya's rosary was safe, her cross pendant was nowhere to be seen, replaced by some sort of unsightly seafood.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Where is it, where is it?!', Kanako screamed inwardly (and outwardly, if only a little, and under her breath) as she dropped to her hands and knees, searching the floor beneath the desk for any sign of her missing cross pendant.

"Oh look, the pig decided to wake up early." Mariya's voice called out.

"This is not the time, Mariya!" Kanako replied, still searching.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" He asked condescendingly, as Matsurika entered the room.

However, whatever witty comment Matsurika was going to say was promptly cut off by Kanako's wail of despair.

"I lost it! My pendant! Forgive me, Mother in Heaven!"

"Idiot."

"I AM IN ACTUAL PAIN AND DISTRESS AND YOU INSULT ME!?" Kanako cried in disbelief.

"I'm afraid your brain must be missing the essential parts for both memory and logic, because if you had them, you surely would have known what happened to your pendant," Matsurika deadpanned, stoic expression still on her face.

"Okay, question number one. What is this?" Mariya demanded, holding up the thing that had been found in the drawer.

"Some sort of... seafood?" Kanako guessed, squinting at the slimy... whatever it was, trying to determine precisely why Mariya would ask that.

"I'm surprised you got that right, " The blonde commented mockingly. " It's the stomach of a beluga whale. Next question; what past incident you gotten yourself into involves seafood?"

"I did not get myself into an incident like that!" Kanako protested.

"Answer the damn question."

"Um..." Kanako thought and pondered, trying to identify a memory that fit Mariya's criteria.

Suddenly, the memory came to her, striking the black haired girl like a lightning bolt.

"The incident with Ryuuken's fangirls!"

"Oh look, she does remember. Too bad she still isn't capable of logic," Matsurika stated.

Talking slowly, as if he were speaking to a child (which he kind of was, in an intellectual way) Mariya said, "Your pendant was replaced with the stomach of a beluga whale. Ryuuken's fangirls love replacing your stuff with seafood. It's so simple, I had thought even you could figure it out."

Without saying a word, Kanako grabbed her demon-infested bag and strode in the direction of the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Mariya asked.

"I'm going to beat her over the head until she gives me back my pendant." Kanako replied, face determined as she held up the bag.

"Since there is a living creature inside, wouldn't that count as animal cruelty?" Matsurika asked.

Kanako thought this over for a few seconds, before saying, "Then I'll feed her to it instead."

And with that, the black haired girl walked out of the door, still in her nightgown and searching for Honoka's room.

"She's going to get herself arrested for indecent state of dress. How sad," Matsurika muttered vacantly.

"HONOKA TSUTSUI, ANSWER ME!" Kanako screamed, pounding on the girl's door.

The door opened with a bang, and Honoka Tsutsui stood in the doorway, looking irate. Kanako noticed she was wearing nothing but her frilly black pyjamas, . It's amazing how Kanako was so angry that her nose didn't start to bleed like a gusher.

"What are you doing?!" Honoka demanded, crossing her arms over her chest. "It is too early in the morning to deal with your antics!"

"Honoka Tsutsui, you stole my cross pendant, didn't you!" Kanako pointed at the other girl accusingly. "You and the rest of Ryuuken's fanclub are the only ones who would do something like this, stealing a precious memento and replacing it with seafood, and I'd like my pendant back!"

"Wait, what?" Honoka's eyes widened with shock. "What pendant?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" Kanako yelled, loud enough to wake up those sleeping in the dorms. "You stole my pendant!"

"No, you've got it all wrong!" Honoka protested. "Me and the rest of the Ryuuken fanclub have left you alone ever since you and Kiri started dating, so it wasn't us!"

"Then who could it be!?" Kanako implored, dropping to her knees.

"Who would be so cruel as to steal my most precious object?" She sobbed, completely unaware of the crowd forming around the two of them, composed of the girls who were awakened by Kanako's screaming.

"Her stuff was stolen?"

"How dare they! Stealing from a fellow student!"

"What was stolen exactly? Maybe I can help."

Whispers and questions bounced around the hallway, but the raven haired girl they were either referring to or directed at was too busy crying to notice. Which meant that she was too busy crying to even get a nosebleed from the fact that most of them were in their pyjamas.

"Kanako!" A high-pitched voice carried through the hallway.

'Oh no, he just had to come along to rub it in my face.' Kanako groaned inwardly, sure that Mariya would somehow find a way to mock her right in front of everyone without blowing his cover-

"God says she found your pendant in one of the third year dorms!" Mariya exclaimed, smiling widely.

What.

"So... it was one of Father Kanae's fangirls, trying to frame Ryuuken's fangirls?" Kanako asked in confusion as she and Mariya walked to their dorm room together.

'What kind of sloppy and quick conclusion is that?' Kanako wondered. 'Normally a plot like that would take up an entire episode.'

"Just be glad you got yourself out of that situation quickly," Mariya answered, now in his normal low-pitched voice. It didn't matter, most of the students went back to sleep after the matter was resolved, so the hallways were deserted.

"This is entirely your fault!" Kanako whined. "If you never told Father Kanae about my non-existent dead brother, then he wouldn't try to invade my privacy, so this would have never happened! Plus, your hints made me think it was Ryuuken's fangirls!"

"Not my fault he's trying so hard to help you get over your traumatic past. Or that you were wrong," Mariya retorted as their room came into view.

But once they reached their room, Mariya continued walking.

"Where are you going?" Kanako questioned.

"Archery competition. Go do whatever for the day." Mariya said offhandedly.

Satisfied by that answer, Kanako turned towards the door, pulling her key out of her pocket-

Only to find that her nightgown didn't have pockets.

"Wait! Mariya!"

Unable to find either Matsurika or Mariya (who was mysteriously absent from the archery range and the area around it), Kanako decided to embark while wearing her nightgown. The pale pink garment could easily be mistaken for a casual dress, and (the frilly hem fell to her knees, and the neckline encircled an area close enough to her neck), so there was almost no chance of public indecency on her part! (Take that, Matsurika!)

Wearing the pendant around her neck, she was armed with both the bag demon hanging off her shoulder and the cash she managed to find in her bag pocket (just barely enough for two bus rides) , the raven-haired girl snatched her shoes from the dorm room entrance (thank goodness she kept her shoes at the entrance instead of in her room) and left, determined to get her yuri magazine!

'Dear Mother in Heaven, if that wasn't the worst thing I've ever been through, then Mariya is the kindest and most gentle soul I've ever met.'

Kanako was sure that her hives wouldn't leave her for a week, and it was awful.

'A bus full of men! The male bus driver touched me as I gave him the money! The horror!' Kanako bawled mentally as she entered the bookstore.

The sight of the beautiful big-breasted woman at the cashing counter made Kanako sigh in relief. Not only was there no chance of hives, the woman was one she recognized and whose face (and breasts) were recorded in her mental scrapbook of beautiful ladies.

"Ah, Miss Miyamae," The woman called out, smile on her face. "Here to pick up more of your father's magazines?"

"Yes, thank you." Kanako replied, nose dripping just a little bit of blood.

She began using her father's identity in middle school to buy porn magazines and appeared in the store under the guise of an obedient and simple daughter fetching something for her father. Thank god the bookstore clerk believed it.

"That'll be one dollar and twenty five cents," The clerk said.

"W-wait, wasn't it paid for online?" Kanako asked in mild panic.

"We've changed our policy in the past year. You now need to pay in-person when picking up reserved items. And I'm afraid we can't give you a refund for the money you paid online."

'Gah! If I pay that much, then I won't be able to pay for the bus! Which do I choose: yuri, or a ride back home?'

If you thought Kanako was actually going to choose a safe way back to the dorms, you were wrong. The things she would do for her perversion are endless.

Holding a plastic bag with her precious magazine in one hand and her bag demon in the other (like she would ever endanger her precious yuri by putting it in the same container as that thing), Kanako wandered aimlessly in the direction she believed Ame no Kisaki was in.

The black-haired girl stopped suddenly, feeling her stomach rumble,akin to the way it did during the entrance ceremony, a roar emitting from her stomach, demanding food that was available.

'I forgot to have breakfast because of the pendant incident, and I don't have enough for any snacks.' Kanako thought as she gazed down at her one dollar coin sadly.

And as if it heard her thoughts, pitch black tentacles emerged from her school bag, holding some kind of grey particle.

'Is this food?' Kanako wondered as more and more of the grey object was lifted from the bag, until something, a memory, came to the forefront of her mind.

"Hint 3; it can eat a full-grown elephant in one bite!" Mariya had said about the monster in her bag.

He had failed to mention that it could somehow keep a full-grown elephant in her bag without her realizing it.

Kanako screamed as the elephant's entire body rose from her bag. She was vaguely aware of people around her screaming as well, but whatever fears she had of being crushed were crushed as well when she realized that the elephant was not above her head, nor was it in a position that might harm her should it be dropped.

Instead, the tentacles were holding the animal out to her, almost as if... it was offering it to her.

'Oh my god he was serious about the elephants. But how in the world was I carrying an elephant in my bag without noticing? How did it even fit? Do elephants taste good?' The black-haired girl mused, before she saw what was wrong with that last question.

'I can't eat elephants!'

Again, as if it heard her thoughts, the bag demon devoured the elephant in a single bite, leaving no trace it ever existed.

"Whoa! What kind of magic trick was that?"

"That was amazing!"

"The power of technology, huh..."

Around her, the crowd congratulated Kanako on her magical expertise, and bills and coins were placed in her hands. With the amount given to her, there would be no problem affording the bus.

'Dear Mother in Heaven, thank you for this good luck!' Kanako thought, with tears of happiness running down her face as she held the money in her hands like it was life itself.

It wasn't until the crowd dispersed that the tall girl realized she had missed the bus.

It took nearly four hours for a bus headed towards Ame no Kisaki to show up, and the black-haired girl's stomach was slowly eating itself inside out, not to mention her skin was covered in hives because much of the crowd who gave her money were men, but Kanako Miyamae was happy.

Her treasured magazine was now safely in her possession, and she was headed home, with much of the afternoon left to enjoy the yuri that she went through many trials to obtain.

'Dear Mother in Heaven, thank you for helping Kanako make it through the day's trials and obstacles safely. She will spend the rest of the day contently reading her yuri in her room, thanks to your guidance. '

Unfortunately, as Kanako descended from the bus and headed towards the dorms, she didn't notice the shadow following her, yet another obstacle in peaceful, simple day she desperately wanted to enjoy.

Just as the outline of the dorms came into view, a close voice spoke in her direction as she walked.

"Hand over your bag," The voice commanded Kanako. She froze and turned around, before gasping.

The thief towered over her, a feat made more commendable by Kanako's already impressive height, with a long trench coat and an easy going look on his face, like he was doing something as casual as washing the dishes instead of threatening a girl at knifepoint.

Shock drove all the blood from the cerulean-eyed girl's face, while fear increased her heartbeat. She wanted to scream, she wanted to run, so naturally, she did both.

"Shit!" The robber cursed, chasing after Kanako.

(Mariya Mode!)

A scream echoed around the school grounds, making everyone who heard it pause in shock.

At the archery range, Mariya Shidou whipped around, still carrying his bow strained with the arrow he was about to shoot, and began running towards the source of the scream.

"Wait, Mariya!" Yuzuru objected, trying to stop him.

"Kanako is in danger, Yuzuru! Please tell a teacher!" The blonde pleaded in his female voice. And of course, Yuzuru immediately left to do as he asked, swayed by his charms and the severity of the situation.

Ignoring the murmurs of the judges and other competitors as he raced towards the scream, Mariya was silently cursing in his head.

'Just what did you get yourself into this time, idiot?'

'Dear Mother in Heaven, Kanako is just about to join you.'

Staring at the knife before her eyes, pressing her back against the wall as if she was going to phase through it, Kanako Miyamae prayed. For a miracle, for a quick death, for anyone to save her, possibilities ran through her mind, but she knew it was nearly impossible.

"Now, you've caused me a lot of trouble," The man said, smirking down at her, reminding her of Mariya, strangely. "So now, there's no chance I'll let you live."

KanakoKanako shut her eyes, tears running down her hive-ridden face as the robber raised his arm and-

'Huh?'

"What the hell?!" The robber yelled, attempting to free his knife from the tentacle's grasp. But the slimy tentacle had wrapped itself around his hand and wrist tightly, refusing to let go.

'It's... protecting me?'

Frozen with shock, Kanako simply could not comprehend that, yes-the bag demon that Mariya had given her had actually saved her life and yes-carrying the bag demon with her had actually been a good idea.

She was so shocked that she didn't even see the arrow poking through the thief's stomach.

"What do you think you're doing?!" A familiar low-pitched voice insisted, pulling Kanako out of her shocked state. He kicked the robber, knocking him down, right before stomping on the arrow shaft, pushing the arrow in deeper and snapping the shaft in half.

"You idiot, get out of here!" Mariya ordered, casting his ruby red eyes on the girl, who was still leaning against the wall with shaky legs as her mind struggled to comprehend the new turn of events.

'Mariya? Tentacle bag? Dead?' She wondered as her thoughts became sluggish, like every concept had to be filtered through a layer of jelly before making sense.

Suddenly, her mind shut down, like the battery running out on a computer before you even realize it was low. Shutting her eyes, the last thing Kanako could remember was a dulled pain in her chest, before something warm and familiar sprayed her in the face.

'Blood?'

Kanako Miyamae woke up in a realm of pure warm cerulean.

There were no objects, no skyline, no ground, just a world of light without a single speck of anything else to defile the purity of the place. The only word you could call it was peaceful.

Smiling as she submerged herself in the peaceful feeling, Kanako wanted to sink into it forever.

'... Kanako...'

'What is that voice?' Kanako wondered, desperately holding on to the remnants of the calm presence torn into pieces by the interruption.

'So much blood loss... With all the nosebleeds she's had this year, I'm not sure if she has enough blood left to survive this.'

A voice tore through Kanako's serenity like tissue paper, and even if it was futile, she strove to submerge herself in tranquility once again.

It almost worked. Silence prevailed in the shattered remains of the placid realm, and the serene safety of the place returned, though not as overwhelming as before.

Sighing, Kanako smiled, glad to return to the peace and serenity-

'Wake up, dumbass!'

-and she curled up on herself, ready to sleep forever-

'Don't you dare die on me, Kanako Miyamae!'

-and strangely, KanakoKanako felt as if her mother's arms were embracing her, a warm nostalgia filling her veins-

'Dear Mother in Heaven, please hold me like this forever.'

Kanako Miyamae woke up in a hospital room full of silence.

With tubes stuck inside her arms, hives scattered across her body and a strange dullness in her chest, her body was almost unrecognizable. Even though she was no stranger to pain, the itching of the hives, and even the light-headedness of blood loss, she didn't feel it, even if it was supposed to be there.

"It's called anesthesia, moron," Turning her head, the raven-haired girl could see Mariya, in a sundress with his hair still in pigtails and bags under his eyes. He was sitting in a chair by her bed.

"You're in the hospital after the man who attacked you was caught by police, who were called by Yuzuru Inamori, just in the nick of time," Mariya explained. "His trial is coming up soon. They want you to be a witness, but if you're not healed up soon, then the jury is having the trial without you."

Blinking, Kanako let the information filter into her amygdala and hippocampus before asking her question, struggling to word it coherently through the drug-induced haze.

"Why does my chest hurt?"

"The robber cut you in the chest, and ended up nearly cutting your Superior Vena Cava. You're lucky you survived, considering how much blood you have left in your body," Mariya sighed. "You really are troublesome, you know that?"

'Huh?' Kanako wondered. 'I'm surprised he hasn't tried to hit me or call me a pig or something. He usually does that even if I'm bleeding.'

"Just get some sleep. I'll yell at you when you're not dying," Mariya reminded Kanako, less harsh than usual, but remaining the sadistic roommate Kanako knew for months.

As Kanako tried her best to follow his orders, she smiled, not completely at peace, but close enough for her.

(Mariya Mode!)

"Are you sure, Miss?" The guard asked. "It's dangerous to be in the same room as a criminal, especially without guards to protect you."

"I am," Mariya confirmed, smiling his usual smile. "After all, he's chained and wounded, so I don't think he'll be able to hurt me."

Sighing pensivelt, the guard opened the door for Mariya, before shutting the door.

Once he was inside the room where the robber was held, Mariya Shidou dropped his (admittedly fake) smile, along with his (also false) voice, glaring into the eyes of the robber with the intensity of hellfire.

"You are going on trial for pedophilia, sexual assault, attempted robbery and attempted murder," The blonde stated. "I might not have enough legal power to throw you straight into jail without a trial, but believe me, you're getting there. "

"With the combined testimonies of Kanako Miyamae, the tragic victim, Mariya Shidou, the beloved idol of the school and accidental heroic bystander, and Yuzuru Inamori, the witness to your misdeeds today, you will surely get a guilty verdict. And I'm sure that the jury will be out for your blood after hearing of poor Kanako's misfortune."

Mariya smirked, one a hundred times more sadistic than the one he wore when tormenting Kanako, continuing with his tirade.

"You made the worst mistake of your life when you first targeted Kanako. She is under my surveillance, so I won't allow bastards like you to kill her off while I'm watching her. You then proceeded to fuck things up for yourself even more when you enacted your plan to rob her. But the most awful thing you've done, and one I can't forgive, was making her cry."

"Have fun rotting in prison, bastard!" The blonde said with his artificial high-pitched voice, a smile on his face as if he truly was congratulating the criminal on his terrible fate.

Mariya Shidou then practically flounced out of the room, leaving the man to wallow in his own misery.

Of all the girls he could have chosen, he just had to choose one that had the devil himself as her sworn guardian.

The moment Kanako was well enough to leave the hospital, Mariya dragged her inside the dorm room, face red with rage. Kanako immediately got on her knees, ready to beg for her life again.

"JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, YOU DAMN IDIOT YURI GIRL?!" Mariya yelled, pigtails flying up in anger.

Kanako didn't respond, other than a nod of the head. Mariya continued with his ranting.

"YOU SNUCK OUT OF THE DORMS IN YOUR PYJAMAS WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR FUCKING BAG, SPEND SIX HOURS PICKING UP A GODDAMN YURI MAGAZINE AND NEARLY GET KILLED. JUST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FEW BRAIN CELLS YOU HAD LEFT, DUMBASS?!"

A pause spread throughout the room, broken only by the sound effects of Matsurika's game, infuriating Mariya even more.

"WELL?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF YOU BITCH!?" He demanded.

"Th-thank you," Kanako stuttered, shocking Mariya into silence. "I...um, well, I would have died without your help and your bag, so thanks?"

"Dumbass."

"I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO THANK YOU AND YOU INSULT ME?! WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE ARE YOU?!"

Matsurika was the only one who noticed that as the two bickered, Mariya was acting much kinder now than before...

... but only when it came to Kanako. Sighing, she continued to play her BSB.

My first story! Yay! I hope you enjoyed it, even if it was super long.

Originally the pendant thing didn't happen, but I realized that Kanako needed a good reason to leave her room in pyjamas in order to get locked out of her room in pyjamas. And if you're wondering where Mariya and Matsurika were, they were in the change rooms, getting changed. It's a good thing Kanako didn't think to check in there, or she would have ended up in the hospital for an entirely different reason...

I'll work hard so the next chapter is out soon! Bye, and have a nice day/night/afternoon!

Addition: 06/20/2015

I have an editor now! And now the story is amazing and wonderful thanks to her work! Yay!