This little bit of silliness was inspired by thesapphiresky's amazing story The Conspiracy (if you haven't read it, stop reading this and go read it... it's brilliant!) I am gifting this story to her, because she's wonderful and inspirational. I hope you like, dear!
Big thinks to MizJjoely for betaing this story (and being so lovely) any mistakes... still mine all mine, also to MrsMcrieff answering my Brit questions (and making me smile.)
Okay enough with the love, on with the funny... (psst, I own nothing!)
MI6 Interrogation Room
Two agents dragged Sherlock's unconscious body into the room and handcuffed him to the table, under Mycroft and Greg's supervision.
"I know you got this all planned out, but I sure as hell hope it works. He's gonna' wake up fightin' mad," the DI said before taking a drink of coffee.
"I'm aware Detective Inspector," Mycroft replied. "I know my baby brother quite well."
They both turned their heads at a sound coming from the corridor. 'This isn't going to work. Whatever you're after, whatever you want... you're not getting it from me.' They heard the shrill sounds of one very angry Dr. Molly Hooper. Mycroft raised a finger to his lips, shushing Greg.
Two female agents carried Molly in and handcuffed her to the other side of the table. Her vision was obstructed by a cloth bag.
"He won't come for me you know! If you're trying to get Sherlock's attention, you picked the wrong person!" she cried after catching her breath.
Mycroft waited for her to calm down before proceeding. Once Molly fell silent he walked over and removed the bag. "No need, Dr. Hooper. As you can see, he's already here."
Molly blinked as her eyes adjusted to the light. She took in the room. "What the hell Mycroft? What am I doing here and why is your brother unconscious?" That's when she noticed Greg trying to make a discreet getaway. "Gregory Lestrade... You too?"
Greg stopped and turned around, giving the pathologist his sweetest smile (the one he reserved only for his Nanna). "Hey Molls, how's things?"
"What have you two idiots done?" she demanded.
"That's an excellent question, Dr. Hooper. Please explain yourself brother dear," Sherlock chimed in, having finally come to. "Why are myself and the good doctor being detained at a government facility?" He paused. "Are we being accused of crimes against the Crown?"
Greg stepped forward. "No you pillock! You know very well you're not! You two are going to stay here until you figure out why you hate each other so damn much! If you figure that out, we'll remove the cuffs. Then, if you figure anything else out, we'll let you out of the room... understand?"
Greg and Mycroft turned to leave, then Mycroft turned back toward his younger brother. "And by the way, the cuffs are Sherlock proof. Also you've been stripped of all your lock-picking tools. Don't waste your time on looking for them. You have more important things to 'pick apart'." Then he smiled and left the room.
Sherlock and Molly looked at each other and said, "This is your fault!" at the exact same time.
MI6 Observation room
Greg and Mycroft joined John and Anthea, who had watched the whole scene on the other side of a two way mirror.
"Well that went about as well as could be expected," John Watson said with a big smile.
"Yes, I'd say it did," the elder Holmes replied.
Anthea, who had been staring at her phone, looked up. "I see we've removed Sherlock's coat and suit jacket. And oh, what a coincidence, he's wearing 'the purple shirt'." She smirked and went back to typing.
"Leave nothing to chance, dear," Mycroft said with confidence.
"Who's idea was it to keep Molly in her lab coat?" Greg asked.
John spoke up. "Mine. For Sherlock, Molly in a lab coat is the equivalent of Molly in fishnets and stilettos."
The room got eerily quiet for several moments.
"How many of you are picturing Molly in fishnets and stilettos now?" Anthea asked.
All three men just sort of groaned.
"Right! I'll go get tea. Perhaps that will calm you boys down." Then the PA was off.
Greg cleared his throat. "I thought Mary was coming, John?"
"Had to take Anna to the sitter's. She'll be here soon. Hopefully before the fun starts."
Mycroft pointed back at the two-way mirror. "I wouldn't count on that."
MI6 Interrogation Room
"...just cooperate with me, instead of this constant belligerence, Dr. Hooper."
"Oh, would you stop with the Dr. Hooper! I've seen you in your pants! And I always cooperate with you! What you mean to say is: if I would go back to kissing your arse and pining after you. Your ego can't stand it, can it?"
"My ego is just fine, thank you."
"For God's sake... just admit that I'm nothing more than a tool to you. I'm just about as important as your favorite microscope and lab bench. I wouldn't be surprised if you were building a robot version of me in your flat. That would solve all your needs! 'Fetch me a slide iMolly! Bring me that pipette iMolly!'" she said in her best Sherlock voice.
"What I need is my pathologist back!" he barked.
"I was never your pathologist. I am employed by St. Bartholomew's Hospital. I'm a specialist registrar. I'm highly educated and respected... at least by most people. My problem with you is..."
Sherlock jerked his head up. "What Molly? What is your problem with me?"
She took a deep breath. "My problem is that you never even thank me."
Sherlock just stared at the woman in front of him.
MI6 Observation Room
Mary Watson entered in a bit of a huff. "Mycroft," She removed her light jacket. "One of your agents just got a little handsy. Hi Thea," she said turning her attention to the woman with a wave.
Anthea smiled and went back to her phone. John's face turned stormy.
"Sharon?" Mycroft asked.
"Yeah, that was a very thorough pat down," Mary said as she poured herself a cup of tea.
"Hmm, I'll speak with her." He looked at Anthea and raised an eyebrow.
The PA huffed as she typed something out on her phone, then grumbled, 'Or I will,' under her breath.
"Alright, catch me up!" Mary said with glee.
MI6 Interrogation Room
"I never thank you?" Sherlock finally said.
Molly released an exasperated sigh and stared at the handcuffed man in front of her.
"I say thank you all the time!" he shouted.
"Really? When was the last time you actually thanked me... and meant it, Sherlock? Said something like 'thank you Molly, your assistance is very valuable and appreciated.'"
He looked at her as if she'd lost her mind. "NEVER! Because I'd never say something like that! Have we just met?"
She refused to respond.
He rolled his eyes. "I show my appreciation in other ways."
"Oh, I must have missed them all," she said with a sneer.
Sherlock thought for a moment. "The day we solved crimes!" he shouted suddenly.
She narrowed her eyes. "What?"
"I even told you it was a thank you."
"And forgot my name several times. Felt very appreciated then." She leaned down and scratched her nose.
Sherlock took a deep cleansing breath. "I called you John..." He thought for a moment. "Once, one time."
"Twice that day and four times since, but who's counting."
"Well, you're both doctors. You're both small... practically the same size."
MI6 Observation Room
"Oi!" John yelled. Mary rubbed his back and stifled her giggles.
MI6 Interrogation Room
"... Not to mention, you've recently become nearly as shouty as him."
"Oh, I can see where you'd get us mixed up. I suppose me being a woman wouldn't have helped one bit. Perhaps us having the same size breasts causes you conflict."
MI6 Observation Room
"It's half a stone, damnit!" John ranted covering his chest.
The collective group giggled.
He looked at his wife. "It's sympathy weight. Why are they picking on me?"
"I don't know, love," she said through her laughter.
MI6 Interrogation Room
"I made one comment about your breasts," he looked around. "What... four years ago? I'm never gonna live that down, am I?"
"Think about it this way, Sherl... If I walked into a room full of your friends and told them you had a small winkie, how would you feel?"
Sherlock opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. He thought for a moment, then spoke. "I don't think I'd care. Also it's untrue. I'm well endowed."
Molly turned pink then closed her eyes. "NOT the point." She opened her eyes to a smug consulting detective. "Fine, try this then: what if I told them about the night of the Fall? Laid your insecurities out in front of your closest friends, how would you feel?"
Sherlock blanched. He said nothing.
MI6 Observation Room
"Any idea what she's talking about?" Greg asked John.
"None. I asked them both about that night. Sherlock was more than happy to explain how he survived, but nothing else. He wouldn't say much about Molly. And she wouldn't say... anything." He turned to Mycroft. "You know?"
"Surprisingly, I don't," Mycroft answered as he watched his brother.
"Do you think something... happened?" Greg asked the government official.
No one answered, they all just stared through the window.
MI6 Interrogation Room
"Do you get it now?" Molly asked.
Sherlock nodded.
"Fine," she said. She turned her head back and directed her words towards the mirror. "We figured it out, can we go?"
A voice, Mycroft's voice to be precise, came from the intercom. "Sorry Miss Hooper. You and my brother haven't even scratched the surface."
Molly rolled her eyes and laid her head down on the table.
"This is completely illegal, Mycroft! You're breaking a dozen laws by keeping us here. Surely this is a bit over the top, even for you?" Sherlock bit out.
"I have plenty of reasons to detain you and Miss Hooper for questioning," Mycroft's voice rang out.
"What could you possibly have on Molly?" Sherlock asked.
"There's a matter of some missing body parts. The British government takes these things very seriously, little brother."
"You overstuffed, son of a..."
"Ah, ah, ah. There are ladies present."
"Who?" Sherlock questioned.
Molly huffed.
"Anthea and Mary," Mycroft replied.
"You said ladies," Sherlock quipped.
"Sherlock stop acting like a spoiled baby and talk or I'll come in there and show you how much of a lady I'm not!" Mary's voice suddenly filled the room.
"Fight all you want Sherlock. You're trapped. That goes for you too Dr. Hooper," Mycroft added.
Sherlock looked at Molly. "It seems we have to figure things out. Whatever that means."
Molly tried to rub at her strained wrists.
"Are you okay?" Sherlock asked.
"I'm fine," she answered flatly.
"Of course, you're always fine. You've been fine every time I've asked since I've been back." Sherlock pursed his lips. "Let's talk about you for a moment, shall we?" He paused. "You won't give me the time of day. You work with me, yes. You hand me reports, you run tests, certainly. But when I inquire about your personal life... fine."
Molly said nothing.
"When I ask how you're coping after breaking up with that buffoon, fine. When I ask how your day's going, fine." He shook his head. "I actually made the mistake of assuming we were friends, Molly. I clearly got that wrong."
"You got high!" she shouted.
"It was for a case!" he shouted back.
"Yes, you've done a lot of misguided things lately, all for a case."
He cocked his head to the side and smirked. "Oh, so it's the bridesmaid then... that's what's got you in a tizzy. Upset that I found someone else to use?" He leaned in as far as the cuffs would allow. "You know... I think you have a masochistic streak, Miss Hooper."
Molly thrashed against her restraints and actually growled.
Sherlock sat back and laughed.
MI6 Observation Room
"Oh no he didn't!" Anthea said causing all heads to turn in her direction.
Mary Watson spoke up. "Give me the keys Mycroft. Give them to me and let me uncuff her!"
"And how do you suppose I explain my dead brother to our parents, Mrs. Watson?" He thought for a moment. "No, let them calm down. This will work itself out."
"What are you talking about, Sherlock's perfectly calm," Greg said.
"Is he, Detective Inspector?" Mycroft asked.
"Um, yeah," Greg answered.
"You're as bad as John. I'd expect more from you Gregory. No, look closely." Everyone looked at the consulting detective through the window. "He's sweating, he shaking slightly and that smile? It's fake. Just like his bravado." Mycroft folded his arms across his chest. "No, he's breaking... won't be long now." He smiled.
MI6 Interrogation Room
"How dare you?" Molly yelled.
Sherlock smirked. "Oh Molly. You are so easy to read. Jealousy written all over your face."
"I'm not jealous of a poor woman who got taken in by a fake grin and a pair of tight trousers!" she replied.
"You're not? Could've fooled me."
"NO! I'm angry because I know how it feels! I'm angry because you use and take and what? We're supposed to just keep giving for the privilege of being in your illustrious presence? You really don't get it do you? You just saunter into the lab every day, demanding tests and limbs with a smile and a wink, and I'm supposed to melt. Suddenly I don't give a damn about your twinkly eyes or perfect lips anymore and you can't stand it! Is your psyche so fragile that you can't function without little ole me fawning over you?" She took a breath. "Surely you can find someone else bow down at your designer shoes and fall for your impressive looks."
"And you don't use your appearance to your advantage?" he retorted.
Molly stared. "What?"
He shook his head as he fumed. "Oh, you're so innocent." He raised his voice to a higher pitch. "Never mind me... I'm just Molly Hooper. With my big brown eyes and long brown hair. I'll flutter around while you're trying desperately to solve important cases and try not to look beautiful in my frumpy jumpers and lab coats. Smelling lovely and being brilliant. Seeing you and knowing just what you need." He dropped his voice back once again. "Oh no, Molly... you're diabolical."
The room descended into silence.
MI6 Observation Room
"Well... he broke," John said.
"Told you," Mycroft said with a broad smile.
MI6 Interrogation Room
Molly and Sherlock continued to stare at one another. Finally Molly spoke up. "It's not going to work."
"What Molly, what's not going to work?" Sherlock said with an exasperated sigh.
"I've long ago built up a resistance to your fake flattery. So all of... t-that, won't work," she said looking away from the man.
Sherlock shook his head. "MYCROFT!" he shouted causing Molly to jump. "Get me out of here!"
Mycroft's voice once again came over the intercom. "Sorry Sherlock, but you're not quite ready."
Sherlock hung his head in defeat. Several beats passed then he slowly raised head once again. "I am ready, actually." He directed his words at the mirror, suddenly a devilish smile forming on his lips. "Let me tell you all a little story about Minsk and a lovely young woman named Natasha."
MI6 Observation Room
Mycroft dropped his tea cup and ran (yes ran) as fast as he could into the adjacent room.
MI6 Interrogation Room
The door flew opened and a frantic Mycroft ran in. "You wouldn't!" he exclaimed.
"Remove the cuffs," Sherlock said through clenched teeth.
Mycroft looked back and forth between Sherlock and Molly. "Deal?" he asked. "I'll remove the cuffs, but you stay and talk- or... I'll tell everyone," He leaned down and whispered into Sherlock's ear.
Ten seconds later, with a self-satisfied look on his face, Sherlock turned to his brother. "As if I care..." he started until Mycroft looked at Molly and resumed his whispering. A moment later Sherlock's face paled and he nodded his head once in agreement. Mycroft uncuffed Sherlock, then Molly. They both busied themselves rubbing their wrists.
"Okay," Mycroft straightened his waistcoat. "Now that we all understand each other... talk." He turned and exited the room.
MI6 Observation Room
Tea cleaned up, Anthea put a fresh cup in her boss's hand. "Well played M," she said with a small smile.
"Thank you dear."
"Who's Natasha?" Greg asked smiling at Mycroft.
"You'll never know," Mycroft replied then took a long drink.
MI6 Interrogation Room
Sherlock paced in the small space while Molly stood and stretched. "What on earth did he threaten you with?" she asked.
He looked at the mirror and shook his head. "You don't want to know."
She sighed. "Fine. What's the point of all of this?"
Folding his arms across his chest Sherlock squared on the pathologist. "I think, they want us to actually stop being angry with one another."
"Well that's ridiculous. You can't force people to forgive each other."
"Unfortunately for us, Mycroft Holmes thinks he can. And the rest of our friends have, for whatever reason, decided to aid him in his delusion," Sherlock said running his hands through his hair.
"What are we supposed to do?" she said, her arms folded across her middle, head down.
Sherlock looked at her. A long beat passed. "Are you really just upset about the drugs and Janine?"
Molly raised her head and stared at the detective. "That's some of it. But, it's who you are... I suppose."
"What's the rest of it?"
Molly clenched her jaw as tears filled her eyes. She shook her head. "I'm just trying to survive, Sherlock." Her voice was weak and strained.
"What?"
"Before the Fall I was this pathetic, simpering school girl. You barely noticed I was there. When I helped you-when you came to me, it made me feel strong. Trusted. I felt like I was finally someone... important. Then you were back. And I felt myself falling back into old patterns. But I had Tom, so at least..." She hung her head. "Now I'm alone again and you're... you again and I have to protect myself or I'll just become... her." She paused and sat down. "I don't want to be that person again," she whispered. She cleared her throat. "I like feeling strong, even if I come off as a shouty bitch sometimes. I don't ever want to feel like I don't count again." Tears fell down her cheeks.
Sherlock stood stock still for twenty-seven seconds, then he really broke. He ran over to her and dropped to his knees. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and looked her in the eyes. "You were never pathetic, Molly Hooper. And I always noticed you. You are important to me, you've always been important, do you understand me? I don't want you to protect yourself, that should be my job! But I'm an idiot. And I'm..." He paused.
The room was silent until they heard someone thumping on the mirror.
"Okay! I'm scared," he finally finished.
"Scared of what?"
He continued to stare into her eyes then he said, "You getting hurt. I have so many enemies."
A voice came over the intercom once again. "I can protect her, brother mine. That's a non-issue"
Sherlock rolled his eyes. "Of me, then. I don't know what I'm doing. I'll screw this up."
Another voice. "All men screw up," Mary said. "Just this morning John told me that he missed my pre-pregnancy bottom."
"Mary, for fu..." The intercom shut off.
Sherlock and Molly both chuckled for a moment. But they sobered quickly.
"What are trying to say?" Molly pleaded.
He moved his hands to hold hers. "Are you really going to make me say it?"
She nodded. "I'm afraid so. I'm tired, Sherlock." Another tear fell. "If you can't do this, then just tell me. I can work and live and try to be happy. But I'm gonna need my heart back. Someday it might be in a good enough shape to give to someone else."
"Please don't," he said gripping her hands tightly.
"Say it then."
He looked around the room, then back to Molly and took a deep breath. "I care for you."
A chorus of loud thumps erupt from the mirror.
"Right, I get it! No, not just care. I... love... you. Yes. I love you Molly Hooper. God help you, but I do!"
Molly smiled. "Was that so hard?"
"It was actually. Don't I get a reward?" he asked.
"You expect a kiss."
"Many!"
She shook her head, but took his face in her hands and kissed him breathless anyway.
The intercom came on again and they heard several voices cheering along with a round of applause (and a wolf whistle that could only have come from John Watson). The new couple completely ignored it.
Okay, a little different... I know. Please let me know what you think. Love a review! ~Lil~