A/N: Harry, Ron, and Hermione meet a laughing gassed Snape in the dentist's office. My first fanfic, I know it's long for a oneshot.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
Please review!
Snape on Laughing Gas
Hermione laughed as Harry managed to hit himself in the head with the door he was holding open. "Smooth," she chuckled, and walked into the building.
Harry grimaced and rubbed his head. "So when's Ron coming?" he asked.
"He just had to send an owl on to Molly, he'll be just a minute." She caught sight of a dentist leaning over someone's mouth. "Mum! I need to talk to talk to you," she called.
The dentist finished with the patient and came over. "Nice to meet you, Harry, I've heard so much about you," she said cheerfully, and shook Harry's hand.
"Thanks, you too," said Harry. Mrs. Granger looked at Hermione expectantly.
"Well, Mum, we were just wondering if I could skip dinner and eat out with Harry and Ron," Hermione explained.
"I don't see why not," her mother said. "Oh, on second thought, I believe your father was planning a special dinner. I'll just go ask him." She barreled off, calling, "Andrew! Andrew!"
Harry and Hermione looked at each other in the silence.
"She might be a while," Hermione said, "Dad's always busy here."
Harry nodded, and the two stood in an awkward but companiable silence. Then Harry heard a low, dreamy giggle. "Did you hear that?" he asked Hermione.
"Hear what?"
Harry shook his head and listened. Soon enough, he heard it again—it sounded strangely familiar. He looked at Hermione.
"Okay, I heard it that time," she said. "It's probably a patient going into surgery. Mum and Dad knock them out with laughing gas. Sometimes when I was little, I'd just watch everyone laughing until they passed out."
Harry smiled. "Let's go see, then," he suggested. "It sounds kind of…"
"Familiar?" Hermione finished. "Yes, let's."
She and Harry walked to where the laughter was coming from and pulled back the curtain, but before they could look properly, Ron came through the door.
"Hey, Ron," Harry said, but Ron wasn't looking at him, or Hermione.
"Bloody hell," said Ron weakly, a smile turning his mouth.
Harry turned to look behind the curtain. "What—" His eyes went wide.
It was Snape, gazing dreamily back at them.
"Merlin's beard," said Harry faintly, and then started to laugh.
Snape looked at him, and laughed too, saying, "You're so fuzzy, you're so fuzzy," over and over.
Hermione had an amused expression on her face, but started to pull the curtain closed. "It's not right to look at a Professor in a vulnerable situation," she said in response the Harry and Ron's outraged expressions.
"But it's Snape!" cried Ron, furious.
Hermione sighed. "Exactly, it's Snape. Can you imagine what he would do if he found out?"
Harry grinned. "You mean he won't remember anything? Amazing!"
Ron pulled the curtain back open, and Hermione crossed her arms huffily. "Fine," she said grudgingly, wanting to see Snape on laughing gas as much as anyone.
Snape sat up from his bed, staring at Ron with wide eyes. Ron looked terrified and amused at the same time, waiting for Snape's wrath. Instead, Snape began tracing Ron's freckles with trembling fingers.
"It's—it's—it's—it's—it's—it's a—a whoa. Frog. What a nice sound. Ribbit. Ribbit." Snape burst out into laughter, sticking out his tongue to catch pretend flies.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at each other and Snape, then began to laugh, crying from hilarity as Snape watched them with a six-year-old's confusion.
"I don't understand," Snape whined. "Why is it white?
Ron leaned closer to Snape. "Why is what white?" He flew backwards as Snape blew a large raspberry at him. "Hey!"
Snape smiled dreamily. "Hey is for hippogriffs. Are you a hippogriff? Yes, you are."
Ron laughed, and poked Harry. "Do you have a camera? Please tell me you do, people will pay Galleons for a picture of Snape like this!"
Harry shook his head. "Sorry, no camera."
"Aw, Harry."
Snape burst into uncontrollable laughter. "I know something you don't. I know who you are, Parry Hotter."
"Do you?" asked Harry, amused.
"Yes." Snape became serious, though a maniacal smile twitched to emerge on his face. "You are cattle, hairy otter. You hairy, hairy otter, raised for slaughter, hairy otter." Snape began to badly sing about hairy otters raised for slaughter as Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged puzzled and smiling glances.
Ron took a dental instrument from the tray next to Snape's bed and pressed a button. There was a whirring sound, and a small sponge on its tip began to spin around and around. Snape gasped, snatched it from Ron, and put it on his nose. He giggled, and then placed it in his ear. When he went cross-eyed staring at it, Harry and Ron were bent double laughing and Hermione was crying for her laughter. Snape tossed the instrument over his shoulder, bored, and Harry retrieved it, wiped it off, and put it back.
"This is unbelievable," he said to Ron.
Snape chuckled, then laughed harder and harder. "Believe it, fuzzy." His voice turned dreamy, reminding Harry strongly of Luna searching for Wrackspurts. "Believe what, exactly?" Snape asked himself. He turned his head and said in a high-pitched voice, "Everything, dimwit!" Lower, he bellowed, "Dimwit, am I? You imbecile!" He argued with himself for a minute, then stopped.
"I have the strangest feeling," Snape said.
"So do I, I'm about to explode," Ron told Harry, struggling to contain his laughter. Harry laughed, and watched with glee as Snape absentmindedly smacked his lips and rolled his tongue.
"This is insane!" Hermione burst, laughing as Snape tried to lick his elbow.
Then Snape's head began to loll on his neck, and he lay back down on his back. "This is so… interesting," he said faintly, giggling breezily. "Is this real? Is this real life? Maybe it's… maybe it's not. Maybe it's a dream. Maybe it's—" Snape's glazed eyes suddenly snapped back to clarity, and his breath caught in his throat.
Harry watched with interest as Snape pointed directly at him. "Those eyes," Snape breathed, "I loved those eyes. More than—the world. Gone now. Gone forever…" he trailed off, and Harry, confused, watched him sink back into the bed, his eyes flickering closed.
Hermione broke the silence. "He's out."
All three of them burst into laughter, unable to stop the hysteria at the funniest thing they'd ever seen. They couldn't stop even when Hermione's mother came out to give them permission for dinner, and all through the dinner they laughed. With a great imitation, Harry made Ron and Hermione laugh so hard they choked, making everyone in the restaurant stare at them (that and the fact the Ron had no idea what coffee was). For the rest of the summer, whenever they made eye contact and lolled their head around, they would start laughing uncontrollably. At Hogwarts, poor Snape could never understand why the three so often were laughing whenever he came within sight. Alas, he couldn't give detention for continuous laughing.
A/N: What was Snape doing at a dentist's office? Meh. No idea.
Please review, be harsh, I know I deserve it :)