Warning: Mentions of attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, and depression.
"On Brooklyn Bridge"
Two years ago
The water was choppy below. The moon's reflection dipped and fractured on the waves as a strong breeze whipped around. It wasn't totally dark, but it was definitely evening, and no one seemed to be around. Some concert was nearby, undoubtedly the reason people were avoiding the area. Steve was fine with that. Absolutely fine.
No need for anyone to stop him.
He balanced on the railing, and breathed in and out deeply. He couldn't find Peggy; he didn't understand the technology; there was bad press about the Avengers, even though they'd been trying to help; Bucky had died seventy years ago to everyone else, not that long ago to Steve; Agent Coulson had died because of Steve. Because Loki had gotten to him. Because Steve was distracted.
Everything was unfamiliar. Everyone was unfamiliar. He couldn't take it. He just wanted a way out.
And so Steve stepped off the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge and plunged into the river below.
Steve's head was filled with his new mission: find the Winter Soldier. Find him, bring him home, find Bucky. What remained of SHIELD could go to hell, for all he cared. Natasha was staying behind, but he was lucky enough to have Sam on his side, at least back in DC. There was no way Steve would ever be selfish enough to take him away from the vets who needed Sam's counselling. He even went along to the sessions sometimes, whenever he hit a dead end with Buck— the Winter Soldier.
"Uh, Steve?" Sam called. He'd come over for beer and takeout, and they were going through the latest intel. "Can you come here, please?"
Steve carried a six-pack into the lounge. He nearly dropped it when he saw footage of himself on the television. Footage… of him at the Brooklyn Bridge. Jumping off the bridge.
"SHIELD buried that," he blurted out. "It must've been among the files Agent Romanov released onto the internet."
"Were you ever gonna tell me that you'd attempted suicide?" Sam asked, his eyes narrowed. Steve pursed his lips.
"It was two years ago," he said. "I was in a bad place."
"You're still in a bad place."
"Look, it didn't kill me," Steve said, tearing apart the cardboard and cracking open a beer. "I wanted it to, but… well, you know what happened last time I took a plunge into water. Seems like the serum doesn't want to let me die. At least not by drowning. Some SHIELD agents… or whoever they were, were following me. Someone hacked the CCTV and extracted the footage. I thought it'd been wiped, but… maybe HYDRA wanted to use it against me?" He snorted, and plunked onto the sofa beside Sam, who eyed his beer bottle warily. "How'd you find it?"
"It's not how I found it," Sam said, pointing at the TV. "It's how they found it."
The footage of Captain America's suicide attempt was being broadcast on international news.
"Aw, hell," Steve muttered. He wished he'd never joined Twitter. It was supposed to be a great way of keeping a public profile, a carefully structured and scripted persona. He tried to delete it after everything went to hell in a handbasket, but someone – HYDRA? – made sure that that couldn't happen. If it wasn't for Natasha's help, they might've been able to hack it, as well. And considering that it was Rumlow who'd suggested it in the first place…
"What's up?" Sam asked. They were in a motel room, and he was trying to get the TV to work. Steve looked up from his phone.
"What's that term, when some has a lot of hashes?" he said. Sam looked at him blankly. "On social media."
"Trending?"
"Yeah, that. Shit." He closed his eyes. "My attempted suicide's trending."
"It happens sometimes," Sam said. Steve could imagine him shrugging. "Someone famous tries to kill him- or herself, the world wants to know why. Some people wanna tear `em apart, others just wanna help. Then there are the people who are famous for killing themselves and leaving behind a video, usually a teenage girl or boy who was being bullied."
"I hate bullies."
"I know you do, Cap."
"And now this." He sat up, opening his eyes, and gestured with his phone. "I can't believe it's gone…"
"Viral?"
"Yeah. It's HYDRA's fault."
"Isn't everything?"
"And… you should go home, Sam. You're needed elsewhere."
"Not until I know you're okay."
"You've known me awhile, and never saw any signs of wanting to off myself. Now I've got a reason to live." He looked out the window. "I'm not gonna go repeating this."
Sam turned slowly, just as he switched the television on to the news. "You know, you could use this."
"Oh?" Steve said, raising an eyebrow. Sam sat back, and they watched the latest rerun of Steve's jump. Combined with his disappearance, questions were being asked. Someone had established a watch for him. There was a helpline, for anyone with information about Steve Rogers.
"Could be HYDRA," Sam pointed out.
"Could be."
"You know what you've gotta do."
Steve snorted delicately. "What's that?"
"Tweet it. Let people know you're okay. Tell them the truth."
"How much of the truth?"
Sam looked at him significantly. "All of it. Warn `em the helpline might be run by the bad guys. Tell `em you're on the lookout for Bucky Barnes. Maybe post a video? We could do a blank background, completely soundproof the room, just me running the camera and you giving the full story. Post it on Youtube, Twitter, Tumblr. Come up with an appropriate hashtag. People will spread the word. Once the truth's out there, HYDRA can't suppress it."
"…You think it could work?"
"Got any better ideas?"
"For now, no."
"So… tell the people you're alive. It won't take that many characters."
Grimacing, Steve painstakingly typed out 'I'm alive, but don't tell anyone if you see me. Could be HYDRA. Just pray for me & Bucky. I'm looking for him. Video coming soon. #CapQuest'.
"Good," Sam said, reading over his shoulder. "Time to take back control of the situation."
The media exploded. Every second commercial was for some helpline or other. There were debates in Congress over the care of returned servicemen, a multitude of support videos and messages posted on all the social media sites. On the bad days, Steve looked over them, unable to stop himself from smiling at the love and thanks being expressed by all these strangers. It was something HYDRA couldn't take away from him.
And #CapQuest was trending like wildfire. Anytime someone thought they caught a glimpse of the Winter Soldier, they'd tweet it, or post a photo. Few held any truth, and sometimes Steve wondered whether the information deluge was deliberate; there was no way HYDRA would want to wade through it all to find their weapon when they relied on their own tech and agents so much. But Steve? Steve sifted through everything, occasionally with Sam's help, and sorted out the truth from the obfuscation.
His own video, explaining how everything had really happened, couldn't be deleted from the internet. It was everywhere. Any time it seemed to disappear, it turned out that someone had saved it, and they posted it again. It was impossible to suppress the truth in a world of instant sharing, and Steve had never been more grateful for it.
"Okay, this looks genuine," he muttered to himself. He used the simple tracking system Tony had designed for him. He was able to pinpoint posting locations within seconds, and was out the door in next to no time.
It had been a few months since his first #CapQuest post. It was only when he was halfway down the street that Steve realised why he recognised the place of the latest sighting so easily.
It was only two blocks away.
Now at a run, he pelted down the road and around the second corner. There it was. The place in the picture.
Please, God, don't let it be HYDRA who sent that image.
"You."
Steve whirled around, and stared at the movement in the shadows.
"B-Bucky?" he said.
"What the hell were you thinking, you idiot?" Bucky barrelled out and slammed Steve against the opposite wall. "Trying to kill yourself?"
"Do you remember?" Steve said urgently.
Bucky rolled his eyes. "Enough. Clearly. And you." He gripped Steve's shoulders tightly. "I spent years keepin' you alive, punk, and you wanted to throw all that away?"
"I thought you were dead! I thought everything important to me was gone!"
"That's no excuse, you asshole!" Bucky got right up in his face, and Steve's breath hitched. There was something familiar in those eyes, he could see it.
"Missed you, you jerk," he whispered. Bucky rested his forehead against Steve's.
"Missed you, too," he said. "I'm so sorry. For everything."
"It wasn't your fault, Buck, none of it."
"I should've tried harder—"
"You're only one man—"
"It hurt so bad—"
"I won't let them hurt you ever again, Bucky, I swear it. If they try, they'll have to go through me."
"Still suicidal, then?" Bucky said, glaring at Steve. It lost some of its heat when Steve bumped their noses together.
"Better, knowing you're alive and with me."
"To the end of the line."
The next tweet also went viral:
'#CapQuest complete. Thank you for everything. #CapQuest2 – take down HYDRA.'
A covert Nazi organisation against a world of teenagers, young adults, and other social media users following Steve and Bucky's journey?
Yeah, HYDRA stood no chance.
Prompt from page 74 of round 25 on the Avengers Kink Meme. The premise of the prompt: SHIELD had covered up Steve's attempted suicide after the events of 'The Avengers', and it's one of the things released in Natasha's info-dump; cue media reaction. So… this is what I came up with. And oops, I nearly slashed towards the end there. Bad habit. Sigh.
Please review, peeps! Need to justify my writing somehow.