It wasn't his fault. He hadn't done anything wrong.
At the same time, some spiteful part deep inside her whined that he had done something wrong. He hadn't been fair to her, the voice complained daily. The smiles that he showed to his teammates, to the world when he was proud of Seigaku's accomplishments were nothing in comparison to what he had given her.
True, he had bestowed upon her many things. His kisses, his affection, his attention. But she knew that it wouldn't last. He didn't know it yet, but she did. She realized that his attention was not a given, that she wasn't the thing he cared most about, and that she didn't even stand a chance of ever becoming it.
Oh no, she corrected herself, it wasn't that he didn't care. She understood that he was trying his best, even going so far to ask his cousin Kimiko what to do in certain scenarios. And for a while, she had been happy.
But over time, she had realized that even though he himself might not be (or might be, for all she knew) aware of the fact, if she and tennis were to be placed side by side on her boyfriend's internal scale, tennis was undoubtedly going to win out. Without fail.
And that hurt. That's why each time he showed even the smallest sign of affection now, it was like having the wind knocked out of her. It took everything she had to not break down when he passed by her in the school hallway without a word, but instead with the slightest brush of hands, the barely-noticeable lingering of his fingers on the back of her hand.
Just hold on, she told herself, holding in the tears. Stay calm, you're okay. You're okay. Just hold on...
Even though he wasn't the Child of God and he had never desired a title, either, she knew-he wanted to get up to the highest peak of the tallest mountains.
She smiled at Tezuka's sleeping face on an open book -one of the things that he allowed only her (oh how sweet that sounded, "only her") to see- and stretched out her hand. She touched his arm gently, just brushing his skin to really confirm that he was there. And then she withdrew them, slowly retracting her fingertips until he was no longer within her grasp.
He was so close, yet so very, very, far. And proportionate to each time he got higher, and every step that got him closer, the more despair she felt for the increasing distance between them.
But when the time came, she would stand back and let him go. She wanted to be by his side to support him, and if that meant allowing him (pushing him even) to leave her own, she would have to do it.
She never did, never would, tell him that she loved him. Because she didn't want to become a prison weight on his ankle, dragging him down. He needed to go to Germany, because that was the boost he had to have, in order to get where he wanted.
So, even if it killed her, she would make sure he went there, and then simply stand back and pray for him. She didn't know if his feelings for her would remain the same for forever, but she would wait for him. She had decided that she would look up at him from the ground, as Tezuka Kunimitsu slowly but surely grew into the eagle in the sky, soaring towards the heavens above, until the moment when he finally overcame the highest summits of the tennis world.
Perhaps, when you truly love someone, the best thing you can do for him is to let him go. And when he reaches the peak of his journey, you will rejoice in his name- a name that all of the tennis world will know.