Another's Sorrow
Summary: They call her weak, but they wouldn't say so if they saw through her eyes.
Warnings: language
Disclaimer: All material belongs to the rightful owners.
Notes: This is a bit of a character study. Also, the story could fit anywhere in the storyline. It is vague for a reason.
…
It was another night of darkness.
It was another night of broken hearts.
It was another night of silent mourning and unshed tears.
In the quiet comfort of solitude, locked tightly in her room, hidden from questioning and judgmental eyes, Lenalee sat and she alone cried.
Her heart ached as she curled up on her bed, clutching her hands to her chest painfully as her figure wracked with unsounding sobs. She cried and cried more than anyone else would. If anyone were to see her now, her friends, her brother, her colleagues, they would feel sorry for her, pity her. They would wonder if she even has what it takes handle it here. They would sigh, not knowing what to say, though they felt the same sorrow she did, and turn away and the whisper of "weak" is not spoken aloud, but implied.
They all knew the crushing feeling of defeat or loss. They knew what it felt like to fail or misjudge. They all knew, but none of them would submit to the tears they obviously felt. None of them, except her.
She was the only one who they could count on to break down the most often, or shed tears for a fallen comrade. It was her they felt they had to comfort, because if they didn't, they thought she would break.
But really, it isn't herself that they should be worried about.
It's a normal human reaction to cry, to feel sadness and express it. It's about the release, the acknowledgement that I am hurt and I am not okay right now. Crying isn't shameful, it's truth.
So why is she the only one capable of telling the truth?
Lenalee knew what to expect tomorrow morning at breakfast. It was nearly the same every time a mission went horribly awry. She knew she would still have the remnants of tears in her eyes as she took in the empty seats of the cafeteria. She would be the only one with glistening eyes.
The rest would look on, quietly giving her a quick nod or a soft pat on the shoulder. It was a clear enough message each time: "Yeah, it sucks. I miss them too, but get the hell over it. You don't see anyone else spending the whole night crying over it."
That would be true. But it wasn't for the reason they thought.
Tomorrow morning Lenalee would have to reign in her tears once again as she looked around at the people she loved most.
She would have to first visit Komui. He would be at his desk, glasses sliding down his nose and his eyes fixed on some image far away. His coffee cup will be empty, forgotten and abandoned while he's lost in thought. Lenalee would softly call his name and his head would snap up as he quickly would adopt a goofy smile and a cheesy joke, in effort to cheer her up, as it would be obvious she had been crying.
Komui would try to be as normal as possible, for her sake, and due to that, he would never share his sadness.
Later she would sit down at her table in the cafeteria. She would see Lavi sitting across from her. He would be reading a book, quickly scanning through the words at a pace only few could hope to match. He would glance up at her as she joined him, he'd offer her a small smile, no teeth, and continue reading. His hair would be tousled, a sign that he got no sleep last night.
To everyone else, that was normal. It was just a busy day in Lavi's mind, with too many facts to learn and too little time.
They wouldn't see what Lenalee saw.
Lavi would be fingering through that book, but if you paid close attention, his eyes moved in an irregular pattern. His eyes would move across the page, dart down, look back up, and continue down the line again. Lavi wasn't reading. He was trying to appear busy, when in reality he was just hiding from the obvious lack of people in the room.
Lavi hid behind his knowledge and his duties. He was under the Bookman's oath. He knew he wasn't supposed to care, so he tried his very hardest not to. So he just kept reading.
Kanda would make his way over to the table eventually. He was always a bit less predictable than the others, but the outcome was always the same. Kanda was never one to vocalize his feelings. Instead of saying "I fucked up on my mission and now there are people dead, it's sort of my fault and holy shit I don't know how to deal with this," he took the less diplomatic route: he would pick a fight.
Typically the victim was Allen, but if he hadn't arrived yet, one of the finders or Lavi would be the target. Kanda would provoke, provoke, provoke, as if he were trying to draw insults from his opponent, taking those hurtful words to heart because that's all he knew how to deal with. He couldn't handle comfort, only criticism.
It only hurt everyone in the end.
Allen was the strangest of all, though. Allen would walk in to the cafeteria tomorrow with a smile on his face. He would greet every person on the way in and offer compliments to the passerby. His smile would almost be offensive or disrespectful in light of the situation, but it was Allen, the most polite and respectful kid you could find in the Order.
Allen was always positive and glowing, so everyone assumed that he quickly got over the most recent tragedy by finding the good in the situation. They would try to follow his example, to show they were strong too, but no one was quite as convincing as the master of disguises himself.
Lenalee knew how much he faked it. She let him keep his mask, though, instead of trying to make him discard it, because honestly, the mask was what he needed. She didn't know what Allen would be like, completely without his disguise. It was almost a part of him at this point. It gave him security in his feelings and a way to escape in the middle of a crowd. She wouldn't take that away from him, but it didn't mean she forgot it was there or wonder what lay underneath it.
She could tell when Allen was upset, because he smiled most when he was. When he was happy and content, Allen was so much closer to being himself. He would joke around with Lavi, affectionately bicker with Kanda, or just simply talk with her. But when he was upset, Allen would just smile.
He would just smile, and everything would be so fake.
None of her friends would cry, but Lenalee came to understand that maybe none of them could.
Komui had to be strong for her, Lavi was under oath not to care, Kanda was too emotionally screwed up to identify and communicate his emotions, and Allen was too afraid to bare himself to others.
It was for these people she cried, these people who had no tears of their own. She expressed their sorrow when they couldn't. She understood them and loved them when no one else did. She was there for them, even if they didn't know it.
They could call her weak. They could wonder if she could handle it. They could think whatever they wanted.
The truth was she was the strongest of all of them.
She bore the sorrow of the world.