Author's rant: Hey guys! I know I haven't updated my stories for more than five or so months now. School's been hectic. I need to study more if I want to pass the second semester of college and never took a year again to complete the subjects I didn't pass on. Fortunately, I am doing fine on some of my subject. Anyway, I want to say that LMAIA (Love Me as I am) will only have five or six chapters left. If I'm able to write the chapters as soon as Christmas and New Year's break starts here in my country, I will work on LMAIA. I'm still deciding which story will be next as soon as I finished LMAIA. For now, enjoy this one-shot I have written.

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Anticipating Love

-- Mae a.k.a ashli15

Summary: I knew letting her go was a mistake. But I'm not the one who wanted to stop it – she's the one who chose for it to end. I'm just a dumb idiot who fell to a girl who does not care of what I feel. Now that I'm dying, I wanted to let her now how my life went when she left me.

(This story is inspired by the song Only Reminds Me of You and a poem I don't even know the title.)

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I see you, beside me
It's only a dream
A vision of what used to be

June 16. The date taunted me. Unbearably close to a not-so distant memory of my past. A past I had wished never existed. Never happened. It was something I had wished I could take back. Wished that never fell in love with a girl who doesn't deserve the love I had given. I wished I could take everything back – the time I wished I never met her; told her I love her; spent the time with her and especially the time when I surprised her on her birthday – I would take and erase all of the memory we had shared on my mind.

This day, November 25, one year, 5 months and nine days since the day she ended our relationship for a reason she had said was my fault. For all I know, I haven't been doing anything that will ruin our relationship. In fact, I was the one who was building and making it strong. But she's the one who destroyed the walls of our relationship.

Now, the dream of spending my lifetime with her was just a fantasy, fantasy that will only happen on my imagination and dreams.

The laughter, the sorrow
Pictures in time
Fading to memories

"Troy!" someone called after me, followed by a laughter I will imprint on my memory. "Stop running!"

I continued running around the all too familiar green fields of New Zealand. I had lived here when I was five or six. My parents always brought me here when we were having a picnic every weekend.

"TROY!" the person shouted again. "I swear to God I will tie your hands on the back bumper of the car."

I turned my body, running backwards. "Ha! As if you can do that, Gabby. I'm much stronger than you. You can't even get on top of me when we're getting busy on your bed." I smirked. Her expression turned to a look that says 'unbelievable' from a scowling one earlier.

"Eew, Troy! Mental image!" She fakes shuddering. I laughed at her and run towards her. Lifting her and spinning her around.

I put her down on her feet and cupped her face between my hands. As I looked into her eyes, I can see her love for me. I brushed my lips against her. "I love you, Gabriella."

Gabriella. Gabriella Montez. Beautiful name, right? She's the only girl who captured my heart (and the one who broke it). She's a very intelligent, beautiful, can do multi-tasking, and be a leader – the very same meaning I have thought of her when I had searched the meaning of her name on the internet. I doubted that for a beautiful name to exist, a beautiful owner of it should exist. There, I was wrong. It does exist and she really is a beautiful girl – she deserves to own the name.

The name I was used to say every time hurts to recall now. Her name is now a part of the memory that fades in my mind.

How could I ever let you go
Is it too late to let you know

I never regret falling for her. Not even once. You might be asking if until now I regretted falling for her. I will repeat: I never regret falling for her. Regret is just a word that will only make me feel sorry for something that I didn't even do or committed. I was always the honest one in a relationship. Until now that I'm single (and dying), I think I am still the honest one.

The day she left the house we're living in was the most hurtful day of my life – aside from the day when my mom died. I know I was never too late to say I love her. Even if I never said I love you everyday, I always show it to her by doing exactly what she wants in a guy. I guess being perfect to the girl you love is a crime. But if you love someone, you will do anything for that person, right? And when you did exactly what your girl wants, everything will not turn the same thing you expected she will love.

Letting her go is one mistake that I ever did in my life. Or is it really my mistake that I had let her go? But I don't want to hold her back either if I don't let her go. Just like everybody says, "When you love someone, you should set them free." I did set her free, let her find a new guy that will love her as much as I had loved her (I doubt she will find someone like me), and now, I'm hurting (or was hurting the right word, now?)

I tried to run from your side
But each place I hide
It only reminds me of you

When i turn out all the lights
Even the night
It only reminds me of you

At the first few days that we have been broken up, I had isolated myself from the outside world. I never went out of my room, only if necessary. I always cry myself to sleep. Her words haunt me to sleep or even when I am awake. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't. I knew hating her will never erase the fact that she's the only girl I had loved before I die.

Speaking of me dying, three months before my birthday, I went to the doctor's for a check-up. I have been having symptoms that I thought has something with other disease that I might have, like leukemia, pneumonia, hepatitis and etc. But I am and was wrong of my speculations on the medical matter. I don't have any of those kinds of disease. I have a disease that is uncommon for males.

I waited patiently outside the doctor's office, waiting for the results of the check-up. I'm nervous as hell. I don't even know what to expect.

"Mr. Bolton?" the assistant nurse called out. "Dr. Phillips is waiting for you at his office."

I nodded my head to the assistant nurse of Dr. Phillips as I stood up from where I was sitting. My hands are shaking and sweat is covering my palms. I opened the door to Dr. Phillips office.

"Take a seat, Mr. Bolton." Dr. Phillips said. I knew he was trying to make his voice as professional as he can.

I took a deep breath when I sat down. Dr. Phillips, staring at the brown envelope-like in front of him is hesitating if he's going to tell me the result or just show it.

I heard him exhaled deeply before looking at me again.

"Mr. Bolton," he started. "Do you want me to tell you the result or are you going to see it for yourself?" he asked me. I pondered the question for a minute.

What will hurt most – telling to you about your condition or seeing the results for yourself? I chose the first one. It will be better if the doctor explain it to me first.

"I want you to tell it to me, doctor. I have readied myself for whatever news you will say to me." I replied with courage building up inside me.

"If you say so, Mr. Bolton."

Dr. Phillips flopped open the slightly opened lid of the brown envelope-like he's holding and pulled out a piece of paper, I'm guessing that it is the result of the check-up. He turned it on the table to pass it to me, so that I can clearly see the words on the paper.

I held the paper on my hands, reading the each boxes that has words written to it. One thing caught my eye:

Diagnosis:

Systematic Lupus Erythematosus or Lupus

I looked at Dr. Phillips, his face somber. "What does it mean?" I asked.

"Lupus is a chronic autoimmune disease that can be fatal. It destroys the body's cells and tissue via the immune system. It is most common on women. It's one in a million for a male to have this kind of disease. Right now, it has affected your liver and kidneys." Dr. Phillips explained.

"Is-is there a way to treat lupus?" I asked, fearing of his answer.

"I'm sorry to say, Mr. Bolton, but lupus has no treatment. Lupus is a traitor. You will never know when will it attack."

Oh no. I said to myself. "H-how long will I be able to live?"

"Before you reach the age of twenty-nine." he answered.

Age of twenty-nine – that means I only have a year left to live. I thought to myself. "Thank you, Dr. Phillips for the information."

I got up from my seat and turned to the door. I didn't bothered to shook hands with Dr. Phillips. There are many things running through my head at that moment.

I never thought I would have this kind of disease – it is most common on women and they die before they reach the age of twenty-five. I'm still lucky, though, that I have passed that age limit of dying. Lupus is rare to males. It's really a one in a million that I had this kind of disease.

If I hadn't been diagnosed with lupus, I wouldn't have enough courage to face Gabriella. Not that I don't have bravery in me, I just don't have the guts to tell her of my condition. There are reasons, too, that I am afraid to tell her now that I have enough courage. First, she might have found a new love. Telling her will only ruin everything. Second, she might not be living around New Jersey. And lastly, she might not want to see me again. Forcing her to listen to me is not an option anymore even if she doesn't want to see me again.

I just wished her the best in her life now. I don't want to impose myself to think of what might have happened if we have gotten married a year ago; of what might have happened in our future. I only want is to think of now – the day that I will finally say goodbye to her not personally. But forever, I will take her in my memory.

This is my last entry for this journal of mine. I wish this will go to the hands of the girl I have loved and loving till we meet again in heaven.

Always remember that I will always love you, Gabriella.

--Troy

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Gabriella closed the journal with tears streaming down her cheeks. She never knew that Troy still love her even though they had broken up. She doesn't want to accept the fact that he's gone. That the only memory left of him is the journal she had given him.

Turning on the very first page of the journal, she read the note written down.

To Gabriella,

Keep this journal that I had entitled as "Anticipating Love". I want you to keep it safe with you, for it will be the last memory you will have of me. This contains all of the memories we had shared. You will always have my heart, Gabby. I love you.

-- Troy

She flipped to the second page, revealing a poem without a title and an author.

A song of anticipation follows

Black-leather footsteps

Seconded my the pitter-pattering

Of a fist-sized machine

I am jailed by your memory

These bars of sunlight

And walls of sunset smoke

Even in time, as each broken-hearted

Fragment of elemental disposure

Configures into sympathic visions

Melting to memories

Pictures hanged by cherry wood frames

And dry silk onto the walls

It embeds albums of time and

Glossed fractures of torn destinies

In this cage, I spin into a coffin

And break away to glass

I, a restless bird, yearning for freedom

From the chains of tyranny

In this momentum, I confide,

in which I could never understand

Love travels in a cycle of mirage-fogged aura

It's when the eyes of nightingales

Rise onto angel wings

And the ink they write it on

Has just no story to tell

In riddle, I explain these contritions

In fallen tears of memories

But what is never to be occurred

From the sins you've planted

Tell why I'm alive.."

At the end of the page, there written a message for Gabriella again.

The poem above mean so much. This is what I feel ever since you I fell for you.

"Gabby, are you okay?" Gabriella quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, closing the journal she's been holding.

She cleared her throat. "Yeah, I'm okay, Zeke."

Zeke walked to where Gabriella was sitting. He put an arm around her shoulder. "You know, Troy wants to tell you about his condition. And every time that he will have the guts to tell you about it, he'll back out. He doesn't know what will hit him in the face if he finally see you again."

"Is that why he decided to write it down?" Her voice hoarse as she spoked.

He nodded, "Yes. He reasoned that it will be better if he just wrote it down. In that way, when he die, he will have his mind clear of the image of you crying over his news. Don't hate Troy about that. He didn't told of the gang, except for me and Chad."

Gabriella bit her lip to suppress a sob to bubble out of her mouth. "He should've still told me about it! I will stay by his side until his time come." She let a tear roll down her cheeks.

"Gabby, you can't take back what had happened. You broke up with him. He chose to not tell you about it." Zeke defended. He turned Gabriella to look at him. "Listen to me, Gabby – Troy chose not to tell you because he love you too much. Do you know why he let you go when you broke up with him?" She shook her head no. "He let you go because he knew it is the right thing to do. You're asking for freedom – he gave it to you. Because he doesn't want to hold you back. He wants you to find someone better than him. That's why he let you go even though it hurts him."

"But why didn't he said anything before I broke up with him? I should've never left him then."

Zeke just shook his head. "I can't answer that, Gabby. Everything I had said is what I know. I bet everything he wants to say to you is written on that journal."

Gabriella looked down at the journal on her hands. Running her hands at the cover of the journal, she now knew that Troy had truly loved her. She's the one who made a mistake of letting go.

Zeke stood up, "I'm going to leave. The gang and I are just waiting for you in the living room." She nodded and he kissed her cheek before leaving the room.

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"How is she?"

"Had she read the journal?"

"Did she said something on why she broke up with Troy?"

Different questions bombarded Zeke as he stepped foot in the living room. Heaving a breath, he said, "Stop guys. I can't deal with the questions right now. Gabby had asked me several questions that I don't know the answers. Just give my brain a break." he exclaimed, sitting down on a single couch.

"It's her fault why did Troy died." Sharpay said, hate lacing her voice.

"It's not Gabriella's fault he died. She doesn't even know that he has lupus until he died a week ago." Chad defended, earning a scoff from Sharpay.

"Chad's right, Sharpay. No one of us knew about his condition." Taylor cut in.

Sharpay stood up from her seat. "Chad's not right. He knew about his condition and so does Zeke. It doesn't make a difference, Tay."

Zeke sighed helplessly. This is the last thing he wanted to happen now.

"Guys, STOP!" He yelled, making the two girls stop arguing at each other. "If you two will just argue about the situation, you can go now. Can't you just let it go? Gabriella's hurting right now – and I know that all of us, too, are hurting. You two know that Gabriella is just upstairs, if she heard you two argui--"

"--it's okay, Zeke." Gabriella's voice rang through the room. "You don't have to defend me. It was my fault."

"But Gabby--"

"No, Zeke. Sharpay's right" – she looked at Sharpay who is smirking – "it is my fault that Troy died. If I hadn't broke up with him, I would be with him while he's going through this hard event of his life."

The room fell silent when Gabriella finished. No one dared to look at her face expression, except for Zeke, Chad, Taylor and Kelsi. They can see the pain and longing in her eyes. They want to comfort her, but they knew that it will never make everything all right.

Sighing, Gabriella grabbed her bag that is sitting on of the couch in the room. "I'll just leave. I'm not going to give you all of you a problem. You can have a party now, Sharpay – you will never see me again around here in New Jersey. I'm leaving for Italy tomorrow."

Taylor and Kelsi run to Gabriella and hugged her tightly, tears running down their faces. "We will miss you, Gabby." Taylor spoke out for her and Kelsi.

Gabriella pulled away. "I will miss the two of you. But I have to move on now. This is what Troy wants and I'm going to do it. I'm not going to forget him. I'm not—I'm not going to..." Gabriella broke down into tears. Chad had wrapped her around his arms as quickly as she broke down.

"You don't have to forget him, Gab. He just want you to move on." Zeke said, rubbing her back soothingly.

Gabriella pulled away from Chad's arms and wiped her tears away. "I know that."

"Gabriella," Sharpay's voice called. "I'm sorry for what I have said earlier."

She gave Sharpay a sad smile, "You don't have to say sorry. It will never change anything. Troy's dead, you hated me – what's there to say sorry for? Just be glad that you won't see me at the funeral."

Gabriella turned to Taylor and Kelsi, "Tay, Kelsi – I left a note on Troy's room. I want any of the two of you to put it inside Troy's casket before he's buried down." The two girls nodded. "Thank you, girls."

Gabriella patted Chad's and Zeke's shoulder before turning around. She slung her bag over his right shoulder and she held the journal tightly on her left hand before walking out of the house.

Entering her car, she knew she had lied earlier. Again. Saying she's going to Italy is a lie. She had just said it just to make Sharpay happy and let her hate her more.

Closing a hand over her mouth, Gabriella weep. Not because she's sad on what happened earlier at Troy's house, it's because she's mourning on her lost. She had just lost the only person that loved her more than life. The only person that showed her how to love unconditionally.

Just like what Troy entitled his journal, love is just anticipating its moment. Now that Troy's anticipation for love has ended, he had wished for the very last time before he died that Gabriella's anticipation for love is the one to begin. A new chapter for Gabriella, his love, is waiting somewhere. For now, he'll just watch in the place where he is now for Gabriella find her new love. Because love is just waiting.

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Whoo! Just finished in time. Hope you guys liked it. I cried while I was writing it.

Reminder: All of my stories that are incomplete will be on hold. I'm focusing more on studies. Maybe I will try to make one-shots to fill up for the awaiting chapters of my other stories.

R&R!

– Mae a.k.a. ashli15