The Evil Plan
Please be warned; this is a no-holds barred, weird story with a sick plot and sick humour. Why read it if you don't like that stuff? Review it if you like it!
Once upon a time, in a dirty flat in Kalm, lived a group of smack-heads who once saved the planet from some long haired git hell bent on destroying the world. They had hit hard times after rescuing mankind, and after discovering heroin decided the planet could save itself.
One day, everyone was out buying cocaine, except Aeris and Barret, who were looking after Red XIII, who had come down with a cold.
"Oh, GOD, Barret." Red XIII screamed from his bed. "Keep down the noise!"
Barret was practicing on his trombone, yet again. Aeris was sat in the corner, tissues shoved in her ears and a needle in her arm, completely out of it.
"I've gotta practice, fool!" Barret retorted, throwing Tifa's soiled knickers at him.
"Oh, fucking hell." Red XIII moaned. "I feel sick enough as it is." he rolled over in his bed and vomited down the side. Since Barret was deliberately getting louder to annoy him, Red XIII got up, went over to him playing and vomited as much as he could into the trombone. Barret's eyes widened as the vomit seeped into his gob, and he threw the trombone automatically out the window.
"You cunt!" he screamed, spitting the vomit out. Just then, Tifa entered.
"Oh, my, God!" she laughed. "You'll never believe what just happened."
Barret and Red XIII stopped fighting for a moment and looked up at her.
"What?" Red XIII asked, bleeding from every orifice.
"Well, Cloud just found Vincent's dead body in the gutter! He says he's going to find the murderer. Want to help?" she asked. Since they had nothing better to do, and Red XIII was feeling a little better, they decided to give a hand. Aeris did not, however, as she was enjoying her little heroin session.
"Yep, he's dead all right." Red XIII sighed, dropping Vincent's hand out of his gob; it fell to the floor with no resistance.
"At least he went the way he lived: in the gutter, lying in used syringes." Tifa sighed, a slight smile upon her lips. She placed a white rose on his corpse, and suddenly noticed something on his torso. "What's this?"
Leaning closer, she noticed it was a red matchbook.
"It may be evidence!" Red XIII cried. "The investigation has begun!"
Tifa, Barret and Red XIII walked quietly down the Midgar streets, looking intently for more evidence. Although they had been ambling about for a few hours now, they hadn't found anything of importance.
"You stupid bitch, Tifa." Red XIII spat. "We've been walking round for bloody ages now!"
"Yeah!" Barret joined in. "Why don't we stop at a pub or summat and ask around!"
Tifa sighed and caved; they weren't getting anywhere, fast.
They stopped then, at the next pub they came to, the Clit Iris Inn. It was a nice establishment, full of murderers and rapists.
All three of them sat at the bar and ordered the special, a Flaming Pissoir; it was a tequila mixer with urine in it and dirty syringe placed in the glass.
"Lovely!" Tifa exclaimed, gulping it down. She had to be pat on the back hard by Barret though, after she accidently swallowed the dirty syringe.
"Don't worry." said the barman. "The needle was found up a dead hooker's arse, so there's nothing left in it."
"We want to ask you a few questions." Red XIII began his investigation, while Barret performed CPR on Tifa.
"What kind of questions...?" the barman asked, suspiciously. "If it's about that dead hooker, she was like that when I found her..."
"No, it's about something else." Red XIII exclaimed, as Tifa came around.
"Stop touching my tits!" she screamed, kicking Barret off of her.
"So much for thanks!" Barret shouted, punching her out.
"Oh, well, what is it about then?" the barman wondered, polishing some glasses.
"Today, a friend of ours was found dead in a gutter a few miles away! We don't know who did it, we have no evidence, all we found was a red matchbook placed on his corpse." Red XIII kept his eye on the barman to see any expression he may make.
"A red matchbook..." the barman trailed off, deep in thought.
"Any ideas?" Barret asked.
"Now that you mention it... there is a shop that sells matchbooks in Midgar. The only shop in Midgar that does, actually. It's in Sector 1."
"Sector 1!" Tifa coughed, standing up from the floor. She brushed the cigarette butts and vomit from her clothes and sat down at the bar seat. "That's Shin-Ra territory."
"Hmm, maybe we should give Vincent up." Red XIII sighed.
"Never!" Barret cried. "Not if the Shin-Ra is involved!!"
"Yeah!" Tifa exclaimed, raising her hand in the air.
"Whatever..." Red XIII snorted, as he left the bar. Tifa and Barret followed him out, red in the face.
In Sector 1, the group searched long and hard for the matchbook shop... it took a long time, but eventually they came upon it. Unfortunately for them, it was closed.
"Shit!" Barret sighed.
"Might as well go home." Red XIII suggested, turning back.
"No way! Let's break in." Tifa cried, breaking the glass and jumping through the window. "No turning back now!"
All three of them entered the shop illegally and searched around for clues.
The shop was very dark as it was closed, and they couldn't see much. Eventually, their eyes adjusted, and they searched for any items that matched the red matchbook they found on Vincent's corpse. They did find something: a display case full of red matchbooks. A sign was placed above it that red SHIN-RA SPECIAL, MEMBER ONLY FLOOR 69 69 LOVE!
"Wow... so the Shin-Ra is involved." Red XIII whispered.
"But why...?" Tifa asked. She did not expect an answer.
"All we can do now is go home and tell the others what we found, I guess." Barret suggested.
And that is exactly what they did.
A few hours later, and they were home. Aeris was coherent now, and could talk without drooling on herself.
"Hey, guys." she said, as they entered through the door.
"Where have you been?" Cloud asked. Cloud, Aeris, Yuffie and Cid was sat on the large sofa watching some trashy TV. Cait Sith was in the corner, recharging his batteries, therefore unable to speak.
"Investigating Vincent's murder." Tifa said, off-handedly. "Whatcha watching?"
"Nothing much." Cid muttered, puffing away on his cigarette.
"Well, put it off then! We got summat to tell ya!" Barret bellowed, shooting the television to smithereens.
"Hey!" Aeris exclaimed. "Great! I got bugger all to do now." she went over to the corner of the room again, tightening her hair ribbon around her arm and injecting some heroin into a throbbing vein; within a few seconds she was out of it.
"Thank god, I don't have to put up with her bitching at me for a few hours..." Yuffie sighed.
"So what do you want to tell us?" Cloud asked.
"We found what the little red match book meant." Tifa exclaimed, sitting on Cloud's lap.
"What does it mean, baby?" he stroked her hair and licked her neck; she laughed softly as he started to caress her hips and inner thigh.
"Well..." she started, giggling. "...it means he was killed by someone from Shin-Ra."
"Really..." he whispered, nuzzling her breasts with his chin. Yuffie moved up the sofa away from them, only getting closer to Cid. Cid, getting the wrong message, put his arm around Yuffie and winked at her.
"Ew!" Yuffie exclaimed. But before she could stand up and walk away, Cid locked her in an embrace and snogged her, crushing his unlit cigarette onto her cheek; after trying to resist for a few seconds she gave in, for she actually liked it, and they simply sat there, lips locked, hands exploring over each others bodies as death hung over the room.
"What are we going to do about it, Tifa?" Cloud asked, kissing her neck repeatedly.
"I suggest..." she moaned, gasping for breath. "We break into their building."
"When?" he continued, rubbing her back.
"Tomorrow!" she shrieked as he shoved his hand up her top, and unhooked her bra.
"Good idea." he laughed.
Cid and Yuffie had fallen off the sofa, and were on the floor now, nearly completely naked. While all of this was going on, Barret and Red XIII were in the corner of the room with Aeris, smoking from a hookah and stitching a quilt with a mushroom pattern.
"Tifa, do you love me?" Cloud asked, as he pulled her top over her head.
"Yes..." she whispered and trembled.
"Do I love you?"
"Yes." her lips quivered, as she unbuttoned his jacket. Her breasts were exposed now, as was his chest. He placed his arm underneath her knees and scooped her up, moving her over to the sheet on the floor. In an instant they were under it, making mad, passionate love.
Yuffie and Cid, totally exposed to the others in the room, were also shagging like rabbits, yet they were so out of it on cocaine that they did not give two shits who saw. After Cid had waited for Yuffie to come he did so himself and they lay still, buzzing till the morning came.
When the morning did come, they all got took turns throwing water over themselves to substitute a bath and a change of clothes and got ready for a new day of investigation and infiltration; they were going to break into the Shin-Ra building!
"Right." said Cloud, for he had taken position as leader. "Today we are going to break into the Shin-Ra building today."
"Yes, sir!" they all shouted in unison.
"As you know, that matchbook holds some sort of chip, which allows you to get up to floor 69. Which means we could either sneak in, or blast our way in. I say we sneak in. Who is with me?"
"We are, sir!"
"Good. We'll split into two teams. All the boys are on my team, all the girls on the other. We can't risk getting caught if we are all tempted to shag each other, agreed?"
"Agreed!"
A few hours later, they had all reached the Shin-Ra building. It loomed overhead, like an ugly skyscraped, built for destruction. After the last one was destroyed by the Weapon, it was rebuilt once Sephiroth was killed by popular demand; people was ignorant, they soon forgot Shin-Ra's evil.
The new Shin-Ra building was more secure than ever. Utilising the most up-to-date techniques, they had only ever had one intrusion, and that was a 4 year old girl who had wandered in there by mistake. Everyone had assumed she was an employee; she was quickly neutralised though, and no one ever spoke about it again.
On the north side, outside of Shin-Ra building, the girl team was deciding on how to get inside.
"So, how are we to get inside?" Aeris asked.
"I don't know!" Yuffie sobbed, stamping her feet and sitting on the floor, rolling a joint. Tifa went over to her and slapped it out of her hand; Yuffie watched in horror as it flew away.
"No joints, we have to stay focused." Tifa commanded.
"Just who made you boss, big tits?" Yuffie spat.
"I'm the eldest, therefore I am boss, no tits! Now, let me see..." she trailed off, looking through the binoculars she had found in the trash. Peering through them, she could see someone had left a window open on what seemed to be the third floor. "If we can climb to the third floor, we can get in through that open window."
"No WAY!" Aeris screamed.
"Got a better idea?" Tifa smirked.
"No."
"Then let's go!"
A few moments later, the girls were hanging on to the side of the building, two floors up. They were using suction pads made from padded bras Aeris used for when she was on the game.
"Almost there...!" Tifa groaned, pulling herself up. Eventually, they reached the open window, and Tifa pulled herself in. Yuffie was next to clamber inside, but there was some difficulty with Aeris. Just as she was about to reach the window, the bra strap snapped, and Tifa and Yuffie looked on in horror as Aeris fell three storeys down onto the stone, concrete, cold, cobbled, electrified, barb-wired, mined floor below!
"Oh, leave her, she's gone!" Tifa exclaimed, grabbing Yuffie's hand and pulling her away from the window.
Yuffie and Tifa noticed they were in what seemed to be an office; it was pretty dark, but it was out of office hours. They couldn't hang around there all night though, so they opened the door leading into the hallway and stepped outside. The hallway was long, dark and creepy. Since it was the third floor, security seemed pretty non-existent.
"Let's find a lift." Tifa suggested, pulling Yuffie along.
They stalked along the dimly-lit hallway, until they eventually came across a shitty, dirty lift. Pressing the UP button they awaited for it to come. When it did, they entered it, ignoring the urine smell and the soiled knickers on the lift's floor.
"Ugh, hurry up and press 69, Tifa." Yuffie grunted.
"There are no buttons!" Tifa cried. And she was right! The panel where the buttons would normally be was simply a metal sheet, and there was not even an emergency stop button. Suddenly, the lift's door slammed shut, and they were both sealed inside. A voice rang inside the elevator, it was cold and robotic.
"THANK YOU FOR RIDING WITH SHIN-RA LIFTS TO-DAY. ENJOY YOUR RIDE." it spoke.
"Uh, oh." Yuffie whispered. The lift sprang into life.
"It feels like we are going up." Tifa exclaimed, banging on the metal panel. As she said this, green gas started to seep into the enclosed space; within a few seconds, both were knocked out cold.
-----------------
On the east side of the Shin-Ra building, the boy team was deciding how to enter the complex.
"I say we enter through the front door." Red XIII suggested.
"And how do you SAY that?!" Barret shouted, angrily.
"Don't you think Cloud looks like a woman?" he smirked.
"What the hell do you say for?" Cloud sulked.
"Well, every bloke loves it when a woman turns on the charm..."
"Your point..?"
"Ugh, you are so dense..."
It was late, and at the Shin-Ra reception desk, Dio was very tired. Since he was fired from the Golden Saucer 'cause he was having sex with the customers, only the Shin-Ra would take him on, but he found the receptionist job tedious and dull. Sifting through some papers, he heard some footsteps come through the main entrance door. Lifting his head, he saw it was a woman. A pretty attractive woman, with blonde hair and radiant blue eyes. She walked rather awkwardly, and wore a long pink dress that seemed to not fit her very well, since her muscles were a little well developed, but she was attractive.
"Hey there, gorgeous." Dio saluted her.
"Hey there, handsome." the woman said.
"What are you doing here so late?" he asked.
"Oh, I got lost, so I wandered in here."
"Where are you going?"
"Anywhere you want, darling..."
"Wow, you are confident, aren't you?"
"What's wrong, don't you like tough women?"
Dio laughed heartily.
"I like my women tough, yeah."
"Then do you think you could handle me?"
"I think so." he smirked.
"Then take me on, 'gorgeous'."
The woman walked awkwardly behind the desk and confronted the man; in an instant she was on his lap, snogging him deeply; just before he was about to shove his hand up her skirt she slapped his hand away. She ran her hand up and down his chest and then down his pants, fumbling around down there; smiling, he pulled away.
"What are you looking for?"
"The keys." she smiled.
"What?" the smile on his face fading. Quickly acting, the woman elbowed him hard in the face; the man was knocked back but not unconscious, so the woman jumped off his lap, backflipped out of the heels and then roundhouse kicked him right in the face, sending him backwards onto the floor, out cold.
"All done!" the woman exclaimed, ripping off the dress to reveal it was Cloud all along!
-------------
Everything was hazy... the whole room spinning, Yuffie opened her eyes a little wider, to take in her surroundings. The whole room was rather dim, like a faint glow came from somewhere.
"Where... where am I..?" she said, opening her eyes widely. She saw she was in a grand room, full of lighted candles; it was a bedroom. On the bed was Tifa, tied down, completely naked with a feather up her arse.
"What's going on...?" she wondered. Standing up she went over to Tifa and attempted to undo the restraints.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." a voice called from behind her. Gasping, Yuffie spun around; it was RUFUS, KING OF SHIN-RA.
"Rufus! You are alive!" Yuffie exclaimed in shock. "Have I been taking heroin again?"
"Uh... no." Rufus sighed, flicking his hair back with his gloved hand.
"What is going on, you bastard!" Yuffie cried, tears in her eyes.
"Aeris is dead." Rufus smirked.
"I mean, what is going on here!"
"Well, uh... Vincent's killing was all a plan to get Aeris here, didn't you see?" Rufus laughed. He went on to explain: Vincent was killed to get Aeris' attention; she would discover the red matchbook and link it to Shin-Ra, coming to the building itself to be trapped by Rufus.
"But now..." he continued. "she is dead, and my plan would be ruined were it not for Hojo's brilliant new idea." he laughed manically.
"New idea...?" Yuffie choked, sitting on the bed. She did not look at Tifa out of embarrassment.
"Yes. We were going to use Aeris womb to create another ancient, to perpetuate a circle and find the promise land. But now that is over, she is dead and her womb is dead. But her DNA is still very much alive, and kept in some tubes. We scooped up her remains found outside the compound, you know. We extracted some cells from her corpse, split up her body parts... and now... Tifa will be enseminated with them. She will be the mother of the new God!" Rufus giggled, raising his hands into the air.
"You're crazy, Rufus." Yuffie sighed. "Tifa's done so much heroin her womb's a shrivelled prune."
Rufus stopped dead, hands in the air; this was Yuffie's chance. Removing her shuriken, she jumped from the bed, cut the ropes from the bed and lifted Tifa over her shoulder. Rufus ran over to her and tried to stop her, but she stabbed him right in the stomach. Grabbing a sheet from the bed, she ran over the door, kicked it down and flew down the corridor. Luckily, there was a window at the end of the corridor, which Yuffie promptly threw her shuriken at, sending glass everywhere, and providing a handy escape route.
If you were on the ground, you could make out a parachute like object floating in the sky from the Shin-Ra building that night, as Yuffie used the sheet as a makeshift air-resistor and safely reached the ground. She escaped the compound and headed home.
Back at the apartment, Yuffie opened the door to home and entered inside, surprised to find all the guys there!
"What the hell are you doing here!?" she screamed.
"Well, we got bored walking around the corridors, and the lift wasn't working." Cid said, non-chalantly.
In the Shin-Ra building, Rufus was not finished with his plans... although he did not have a womb, a new cloning device was being created by Hojo to secure a future for Aeris' body parts.
Standing in his office at the window, Rufus looked out over the city.
"Mwahahahahahah!!!" his laughed echoed through the empty halls of Shin-Ra Building...