If there was one thing in the entire blustering universe that was absolutely unnecessary it would be this bulge-fondling excuse for a diplomatic meeting. Pre-diplomatic meeting, to be precise, an unending series of negotiations for an upcoming visit of some trolls of fairly high standing. Very high standing, the crowned princes and heirs apparent of land dwellers kind of importance. Making sure that the accommodations were luxurious was a given, but arguing about exact thread counts of the towels and exactly how many pillows were to be placed for a pile seemed an unnecessarily specific detail to care about.
Perhaps the rise of annoyance was due more to the chill of the floor, or maybe even the painful cramping in his calves; whatever the reason every syllable that spilled from the barely comprehensible Ambassadors mouth made his blood pressure rise.
Eridan was taking the meeting in stride, that was what he was trained to do being the heir apparent for the sea-dwelling kingdom and all, but the systematic tapping of his fingers on his leg communicated to Karkat all he needed to know.
Trying to bore us, make us slip. Going to wrap up. Threat assessments?
Karkat snuck a glance at Sollux, who tapped his middle and pointer finger and twitched his hand in the direction of the other parties guard.
Teal, female, suspicious cane. Investigate.
Karkat shifted in acknowledgement before lifting himself to his feet. It was an old song and dance routine the three had established. Eridan would focus on the politics while Karkat and Sollux ran the guard, and how better to gather information then to appear as something most trolls overlooked? Harem slave wouldn't have been the exact position he would have picked, but it gave both Sollux and him an excuse to stay close to Eridan and get close to the officials. The open vest and the slit skirt showed off far more of him then he necessarily cared for, but it was better than the alternative of actually being a pleasure slave.
Still, fuck Eridan, as platonically as possible.
Eyes followed him as he swept between the guests, a well placed hand there to check for a knife under clothes, a quick look of the form to check for suspicious bumps in clothing. They all took it hook line and sinker, too. Flushes on their cheeks, a following hand. How desperate some of them were for attention. It was too simple a method for distraction, and his prey was all too happy to fall for it. He neared the teal who was watching him, tracking his movements.
Except her eyes were not focused on him, they were close but it was always of by some. Of course the new troll was blind, how else would someone smuggle a weapon in? He'd give his guardsmen load gaper duty for sweeps for such an oversight. A guard who's blind? Strange position, but the cane was a clever hiding place for a sword. All he had to do now was prove it, and to do so he needed to get close.
Next to the teal was an indigo of noticeable size, pointedly not looking at him as he approached. Sweat was breaking out all over his skin and the high blood seemed to be trembling from nerves. Excellent distraction material to get his hands on some actual evidence.
"Hey," Karkat breathed, pressing towards the blushing troll. "What's your name?"
The blue blood shook his head instead of answering and Karkat heard some jealous sighs from behind him, so he swung an arm onto the blue bloods shoulder and sat down on his lap. It was gross, the sweat was touching him and it stank like Sollux's unwashed laundry, but he pressed on. The teal seemed distracted by what Eridan was saying, so he leaned forward against his victim and reached his hands behind the blue towards where she was standing.
"You know," Karkat whispered, moving his lips directly next to the others' ear, "my psiioniic friend over there has a thing for red and blue. Do you know what that means?"
His fingers were brushing up the canes shaft, searching for a seam or divot. The blue shook his head and Karkat forced himself not to grimace as he was splashed by the sweat rolling off the troll beneath him. He pushed down his revulsion, he had time to upchuck his lunch later, now he had found something. He traced the line that circled around the canes diameter, and with gentle flicks of his finger he could feel the bottom half move separately of the top. With his objective completed he retracted his hands, and it took every bit of training in controlling his actions that kept him from jumping when a smaller, cooler hand encircled his wrist.
A glance up revealed the teal looking down sharply at him, a suspicious frown stretching her thin lips. He smiled into the neck of his pinned troll and held his hand open in a sign of surrender. She released his wrist and bent to lean over the pair.
"If you could kindly remove yourself from my colleague? I do believe you are making him uncomfortable, and when Equius is uncomfortable he stinks." Her voice, even at a whisper, carried an unmistakable tone of authority. He smiled charmingly at her before rising and taking a step back from his captive, but before taking his leave he whispered very quietly and very pointedly at the mess of a troll Equius was presenting.
"Imagine what his reaction would be like if he watched us together."
Karkat stepped and half danced his way back to Eridan, satisfied that he hadn't attracted extra attention with his conversation. Poor Equius was having a more difficult time with the exchange, as it seemed he had fainted where he was sitting and the teal was struggling to remain subtle while keeping his mass from falling over. He smirked and nodded slightly at Sollux.
Suspicions confirmed.
Sollux nodded to Eridan, who then raised his hand and motioned for the other party to be silent. The negotiatorturer looked displeased at the interruption yet made no move to object. He had been grasping at straws for things to demand for over an hour.
"I think we've gone over this matter long enough." Eridan declared to the room. "We will o' course make certain the accommodations for the visitin' Lords is suitable to their standin'. However, your nitpicking is castin' the impression you have doubts about our sincerity for our desire o' peace. I will take this moment to reassure the Ambassador our desires are pure, and look forward to meeting with the Crowned Prince when he arrives. Until then I call this meeting dismissed."
A low murmur broke throughout the room as the spectators and lords talked amongst themselves. Normally Karkat and Sollux would wait until the room had begun to empty, entertaining with other servants and gathering information. Eridan motioned his head as a sign to follow, so this wasn't going to be one of those days.
Sollux moved ahead and held back the curtain dividing the audience chamber and the Royal antechamber, waiting until Karkat and Eridan had walked through before letting it fall. Karkat was already reaching for a actual pair of pants when Eridan let out a distressed yelp followed by a thud. Karkat looked to see Eridan with his face planted on the floor and Sollux not-so-sneakily withdrawing his foot.
"That wath thome meeting ED." Sollux grinned. "I didn't think you would get through it without completely thcrewing it up. I'm imprethed."
Eridan peeled himself to his feet with an undignified squawk.
"Wow Sol way to be a complete and utter asshole about everyfin' ever!" He folded his arms and looked down his nose at Sollux. The mightier-than-thou affect was ruined, however, by the fact they were both the same height when Sollux wasn't slouching, and in order to look down his nose he had to tip his head back to a ridiculous angle. "You're just jealous 'cause I'm takin' the throne. Don' worry about it, it's far more responsibility than you could handle."
"I cannot believe thethe wordth are about to leave my mouth, but I would rather wear thethe ridiculouth panty-hothe and run thecurity then have to run the kingdom."
"Speaking of security!" Karkat said, stopping another argument in its tracks. "Sollux's hunch was right, the cane is a sheath for something. Judging by the thickness of the shaft I would say not much more than a thin blade could fit inside. In other words, the entrance guards fucked up royally."
"Good work Kar." Eridan said, thumping Karkat on the back. The thing about Eridan was that being a sea-dweller and having passed his final molt (which was much kinder to him then it was to Karkat's smaller stature), Eridan was both taller and stronger and often forgot this detail. Karkat tumbled forward from the force and only managed to stay standing my grabbing a nearby chair.
"Thpeaking of thatfths..." Sollux wagged his eyebrows at Karkat, who groaned in response. "What a way to get your information. You really put the moveth on that blue blood. What did you thay that made hith eyeth actually roll up into hith head?"
"I don't think you actually need to know that." Karkat growled. He ignored the 'it must have been saucy' that Sollux retorted with and plowed forward. "The teal is hiding a weapon, and it would reflect poorly on us if we took a cane from a blind person. Also that blue blood is built. I don't think anything less than psionics could bring him down if he were to get into a rage."
"Apparently there were many interesting things in that meeting I missed."
"Hi dual-dad." Sollux greeted as the older troll entered the room.
"So there was a security breech, someone smuggled a weapon into a peace negotiations, and Karkat caused one of our guests to faint. I'm not actually sure I should hand the kingdom over to you three. You know I want to retire, right?" Dualscar was not the kind of troll to openly show affection, and in court he was described formidable at best and pants-shittingly terrifying at worst. For the three wrigglers standing in front of him he could, however, spare a fond smile or two.
"Yeah we know. On a sunny beach with a small hive where you and Psii can spend the rest of time having sloppy make-outs and pailing to death without any pestering grubs to interrupt."
"KK thpare me the mental imageth! I did not need to thee that!"
"Spare me the lip, wriggler." Dualscar ruffled Karkat's hair, much to his annoyance.
"We were discussing how to divvy up security for when the Prince's arrive tomorrow, sir." Eridan explained, spine straight and at attention. Sollux pinched his arm, hard, making him lose his military form. "That hurt."
"And have you decided anything? Or are you still bickering like adolescents?" Sollux muffled his giggles behind a hand as Eridan snapped back to attention.
"We were discussing the gross, sweaty blue blood in their guard. His name is Equius."
"Ooh firtht name bathith already."
"And," Karkat barked over Sollux. "I think if he chose to attack it would take nothing less than a formidable psionic to beat him. The guys a tank."
"Is that so?" Dualscar looked thoughtful. "Do you think you could handle him Sollux?"
"Yeah it thouldn't be hard. He trembled like a wriggler firtht out of molt when Karkat looked at him, the guy will be a puth over. In fact, I call the guardth, all of the guardth. Me."
"Feeling a little over confident Sol?" Eridan sneered.
"I'm thecurity, ED. It'th my job to handle the guardth. I know you're a little thlow, I've only been your perthonal body guard thinthe we were old enough to walk."
"Enough!" Dualscar commanded, glaring both into submission. "Eridan, you'll be in charge of the politicians. You've been trained to play their games, and Sollux has enough mastery over his psionics to contain several trained fighters. Now that just leaves Karkat and the Princes. I want you to get as much information from them as possible, on the chance their intentions are not as well placed as we hope."
"You want me to handle the Princes?" Karkat asked, not even trying to keep the disbelief from his voice. "This is a mistake, a festering mistake that will curl up in a corner and attract attention with the stench of its fetal rotting carcass. I am in no way familiar with pillow talking royalty and of any kind."
"You are a talented information gatherer, and you are well prepared to manipulate information out of the younger one. According to talk around the nobility he's not entirely there, easy to take advantage of. You'll just need to get around the elder of the two, who has been known to be protective of the idiot." Dualscar paused.
"We have no conformation for this, but word has it that one of them possess chucklevoodoos. My finger is on the oldest, Kurloz. I know you are resistant to the psychic abilities of others, but you've never been around this type of mind-fuckery before. Therefore under no circumstances will you be alone with him, ever. You must not talk to either of them of your real status here in this kingdom, the land dwellers are much less kind to mutants and lower bloods then we are. If they knew how important you are then you will become a target."
"This still sounds like a terrible idea." Karkat grumbled.
"It actually really doeth. I don't like it." Sollux leaned into the smaller troll. "Thith plan hath my doom thenthes tingling all over."
Eridan looked over to the two uneasily before glancing back at Dualscar.
"Isn' there anyone else who can woo the Princes?"
"The mission is dangerous," Dualscar acknowledged, "and if I had anyone who was better qualified for the job then I would pick them. Unfortunately, Karkat is the only one with the resistance to psychic attacks and has a low enough appearance in standing to not be considered a threat."
"I'll do it." Karkat's face was set with a determined frown. "I am the most qualified. If the land dwelling highbloods are up to something then I will find it out. I'm not fucking happy about it, you can be damned sure of that, and I will be reminding everyone of this frequently, and an on my shit list basis."
"There's a brave lad. Now Sollux, Eridan, get out of here and work out your issues. I will not have anything caliginous start while I'm in the room."
A chorus of horrified gagging was the response.
"Out!" The elder's bellow sent Eridan and Sollux from the room, at each others' heels and bickering the entire way. Dualscar just looked bemusedly at Karkat. "They actually think their kismesissitude is a secret, don't they?"
"They aren't half discreet as they think they are." Karkat shrugged. Dualscar huffed a laugh before plopping down into the nearest chair.
"Karkat," Dualscar ran his hands through his hair. "You know I wouldn't force you to do this if it wasn't important."
"It's fairly obvious the dignitaries are not being honest with us. They could have the decency to pretend, at the very least."
"I know you have your methods for information gathering, and I don't want to hear the details about them - you are my youngest and I don't need to know - but you do know your status is just a formality. I know that Sollux took it a bit too literally and is actually with Eridan..."
"They were a caliginous cliché waiting to happen, and of course I know. I would have to be a pan-rotted moron to have lived here my entire life and not have realized that by now, dad."
"I'm just worried. Kurloz gives even me the creeps, and I don't want you to use your usual tactics with him. The Makara's have always been bad news, and I'd hate for you to end up like your bearer. Not after all I've done to keep you from suffering that same fate."
Karkat huffed, glaring at Dualscar from the corner of his eyes.
"You never talk about him. Psii doesn't either. I feel there's something important I should know, and you're not telling me."
"It's not a pleasant story, and one I think would harm you more than help at this point in time."
Karkat scowled at him, drawing up to his unimpressively full height and squaring his shoulders.
"I'm an adult, you do realize that?"
"Of course I do. You're not a cranky grub that would nap between my horns, haven't been for years. That doesn't mean that immediately leaving your final molt doesn't make you ready for everything life has to throw at you!"
"You can't just throw me to the sharks and toss a flotation doughnut like an afterthought for my safety! Things don't work that way!"
"You know I wouldn't thrust you into this serious a situation if the lives of an entire kingdom didn't rest on it! As its leader I need to make difficult choices!"
"You can't pick and choose what's best for me!"
"I have to for this kingdom. Someday Eridan will need to do the same, and you will always be in danger!"
Karkat snarled, fury burning in his eyes. What red had begun to fill in, Dualscar noted, shined brighter with the heat of it.
"You cannot hide me under your cape when something you don't like comes anymore! You certainly cannot hide me under Eridan's cape either! The world is going to come after me, and you cannot control or stop it."
"That doesn't mean I can't try to push it back a bit longer. I made a promise to keep you safe for fuck's sake! Like hell I am going to let you become what - if I hadn't taken you with Eridan - you were laid for! You know what other trolls would use you for!"
"I fucking know what happens to trolls like me!" Karkat roared, harsh and loud enough it scratched his throat and left an uncomfortable burn in its wake. When he spoke again his voice cracked from the abuse. "I know what my situation is, but I don't appreciate isolation and being kept in the dark to protect me. You gave me this assignment..."
"Screw the assignment, I'll switch Sollux to it. You'll take some extra members from the guard in case you need to subdue the blue..."
"No!" Karkat cut Dualscar off. "Sollux is going to stay on his task! His psionics make him susceptible to psychic attacks, and if I'm at risk then Sollux is in danger and I'm not going to let anything bad happen to him, either."
"Wriggler..."
"I'm taking the Princes, not Sollux, end of discussion." Karkat glared at Dualscar in a quiet challenge to interject. "I'll get what we need for the safety of the kingdom, but when this is over and the treaty has been signed, I want some goddamn answers. Now I'm going to 'coon."
To say he fled the wouldn't be entirely inaccurate, he hadn't expected the conversation to pirouette off the handle so intensely, and as his anger drained exhaustion took its place. He needed to be rested for when the Princes arrived, and if he heard Dualscar call 'good morning' after him then he certainly refused to acknowledge it.